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So, I know some people in my life whom I have diagnosed with "Superhero syndrome" (I'm not a doctor so its an unofficial diagnosis, just for you who might jump out and attack me). I call it Superhero Syndrome because these are people I know whom always want to go out their way, above and beyond and be a peoples pleaser. The difference (I feel) between a peoples pleaser and superhero syndrome are that people with superhero syndrome tend to it to feel better about themselves and tend to feel like they have a divine right to intervene in everyone's problems, believing they have the right answers and act as if its their duty to fix other peoples problems, its more narcissistic since in the long run they just want to feel like good instead of really doing good. Where areas people pleasers tend to go out their way for people who they are closest too, always tend to go out their way for them but never get much in or get their accolades praised from their peers.
Now, there's obviously nothing wrong with helping people and I certainly love helping the ones I love and I'll go out my way for those I care about and I think people with SS have their hearts in the right place but sometimes can do more damage then good. I'll help a stranger and I can definitely go out my way and be a "hero" every once in a while, at the same time I know I can't help and please everyone and I know where to draw the limit. Admittedly, when I was much younger I feel I suffered from SS and as I grew older I realized that sometimes you have to let people make their own mistakes and you can't always change their fate.
Right now, I know a few people in my life who seem to be ridden with SS. An uncle and a close friend of mine seem to be ridden with the syndrome and I realized how annoying it is. Every time someone close to them needs help with something, they want to jump on the attack, even if that person didn't ask for their help they feel like they "need" to help and be there for them and if they don't help then that person is going to do something wrong and that person won't be able to get anything done without them, anything that's done without their help is inconceivable. I also noticed that people with SS tend to talk and sort of boast about how they're helping everyone and act as if other people are helpless.
People like this I never want to ask anything much of because they'll be more than happy to help you and then I'll feel like I'll owe them something, though I'm the type to always return the favour and I'm always grateful if I get help. People with SS have this mentality of "NEED MY HELP!? SURE!! BECAUSE OF COURSE YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT ME!!!" then they sort of want to be showered with superlatives down the road.
Like I said, I know their heart is in the right place but I feel like its a condition that I probably don't quite understand as I've learned you can't make everyone happy and sometimes you must let other people make their own mistakes, learn from their own experiences and sometimes you simply can't please everybody, some people will just be unhappy no matter how much you try and help them. Trying to explain this to people with "SS" is like talking to a brick wall.
So, does anyone understand where I'm coming from? Know anyone like this as well? Share your thoughts,comments, emotional outburst, ideas and lets discuss.
I haven't found an antidote but I know it makes me want to completely clam up and say nothing when I'm around them.
The subset I unfortunately most often deal with is the superhero who would rather 'help' some random low-level acquaintance than be there for a close family member.
Genuinely helping someone=Expecting nothing in return. The only goal is to help them out of concern and to get them out of a jam. This syndrome you describe is real, Many may do it to make up for the lack of something in their lives, either ego or to get approval and friends.
I would also clarify getting nothing in return does not mean being taken advantage of by the person being helped, There are limits to this also.
Sounds like my boyfriend's mother. She always wants to "help" her daughters when she should really let them go and make their own mistakes. They drag her under and she always insists on "helping" them. They take her money for drugs/booze, she kicks them out, and then allows them to come back only for them to repeat their actions. Helping is great but she's enabling them since she makes it so easy for them to take advantage of her, and it really bugs me more than I like to think.
The two girls have no pity at all for their actions since if they did, they would have changed long ago. This has been going on for 10+ years no joke. Imagine all of the money dumped on these girls to help them when they don't want to change? They're part of the reason why her house is foreclosed and she has literally nothing to fall back on at this old age. In a way, I think it's because she wants them to "depend" on her. It's so sad and depressing. Where is everyone at now? Well, the two daughters are in jail/rehab (I lost track of how often they are transferred form jail or rehab) and my bf's mom has ZERO assets. So now, we have two daughters who will have a difficult time finding a job when and if they get out and an aging mother whose job/skillset can never allow her to get a high paying job to make up for those lost years. How crazy is that?
Then, she gave custody of her granddaughter to the father, but then wants the granddaughter back now (since the granddaughter is unhappy according to her) although her living condition is NOT stable at all. The house is foreclosed and she has no money. How is the granddaughter going to live when she's so financially unstable? She's paying these legal fees again and not giving the granddaughter a chance to live with her dad. Sometimes, it's just so much craziness. Remember that you can only help others when you can help yourself first.
Last edited by heartmydeals; 04-28-2014 at 11:57 AM..
People like this I never want to ask anything much of because they'll be more than happy to help you and then I'll feel like I'll owe them something.....
Genuinely helping someone=Expecting nothing in return. The only goal is to help them out of concern and to get them out of a jam. This syndrome you describe is real, Many may do it to make up for the lack of something in their lives, either ego or to get approval and friends.
I would also clarify getting nothing in return does not mean being taken advantage of by the person being helped, There are limits to this also.
It bugs me when I'm itching for the right words but someone puts the pieces of the puzzle together. My ego aside, this is what I was getting at so thank you for making it clear because that's exactly what I feel when people have SS. It usually comes off like they're trying to compensate for something missing in their lives and gain approval.
Indeed, you could help people and not expect nothing in return and that's how it should be, at the same time you do have to know when to say no and not be a door mat.
Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmydeals
Sounds like my boyfriend's mother. She always wants to "help" her daughters when she should really let them go and make their own mistakes. They drag her under and she always insists on "helping" them. They take her money for drugs/booze, she kicks them out, and then allows them to come back only for them to repeat their actions. Helping is great but she's enabling them since she makes it so easy for them to take advantage of her, and it really bugs me more than I like to think.
The two girls have no pity at all for their actions since if they did, they would have changed long ago. This has been going on for 10+ years no joke. Imagine all of the money dumped on these girls to help them when they don't want to change? They're part of the reason why her house is foreclosed and she has literally nothing to fall back on at this old age. In a way, I think it's because she wants them to "depend" on her. It's so sad and depressing. Where is everyone at now? Well, the two daughters are in jail/rehab (I lost track of how often they are transferred form jail or rehab) and my bf's mom has ZERO assets. So now, we have two daughters who will have a difficult time finding a job when and if they get out and an aging mother whose job/skillset can never allow her to get a high paying job to make up for those lost years. How crazy is that?
Then, she gave custody of her granddaughter to the father, but then wants the granddaughter back now (since the granddaughter is unhappy according to her) although her living condition is NOT stable at all. The house is foreclosed and she has no money. How is the granddaughter going to live when she's so financially unstable? She's paying these legal fees again and not giving the granddaughter a chance to live with her dad. Sometimes, it's just so much craziness. Remember that you can only help others when you can help yourself first.
Feel bad for your boyfriends mother since I know too well how that is since I have family members who've done that to others as well. And to the sentence highlighted in bold: BINGO. The people I know who have SS tend to like (subconsciously) that everyone else "depends" on them and that they are the saviour to their life. When in reality, they're just being used. Damn shame it is.
A side effect of Schadenfreude?: pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others (Wikipedia)
Very simple really. Dumb decisions/mistakes/misfortune reaffirm others smart decisions which put them in a spot to coach them on what they've done wrong. Of course they're willing to help, they're delighting in your misfortune.
The antidote for this and Jealousy are the same in my mind. Realize that success and misfortune do not exist in a vacuum. The "superhero" in this case believes that there is less 'misfortune' to go around because of the suffering of others, while the jealous/envious believe that there is less "Success" to go around because it is being enjoyed by the superhero.
My ex's mother. Constantly in the way. I bought a house but while I was fixing it we lived with her. Everything was "whatever you can do I can do better" especially when it came to my daughter. If I touchd the stove or oven to cook something for DD she would swoop in and tell me "she's got it". Not being nice, but thinking I couldn't possibly figure out how to make nasty soggy breaded chicken breast. Then make snide comments about how I feed DD. How she's "too skinny" etc when she is a normal kid. If she didn't eat 1/2 lb of her chicken for lunch (after a hot dog, omelette, cheese snacks, and pancakes in the morning) I was starving my child.
Her son, my ex, however got away with everything. Anytime he would get angry he would threaten violence or put someone in a choke, including his father. He would sleep in,"poop" for hours (play games on his phone), and sit outside smoking, drinking, and talking on the phone. No job, just bummed off my savings. If she had a diaper that needed to be changed he'd yell scream and call me names instead of doing it himself. Never gave her a bath, or nothing. Playing consisted of us going out, him berating us in public than going to the trunk of the car to drink and talk to his mom on the phone.
Another example, she needed to go to the doctor. I got her fed, ready, and myself ready (in my 10 mon allotment for the day). He spends over an hour in the shower after screwing around all day and we HAVE to stop for booze and cigs, of course we are late and have to reschedule. His father says to me "why didn't you take her to the doctors?" I said I did, but someone took forever and needed to make stops along the way. "Well, you're her mother its your responsibility to make sure the doctor sees her." I wanted to f'ing break something.
Another thing was I wanted to go back to school. I couldn't til I moved, he delayed moving because his parents do everything for him. I said I wanted to get out and register within the next two months and his father says "why aren't you in school already?" Um well, because I can't til I'm a resident there, not here. "Well why can't you just do it now, its your problem." Meanwhile his son is using my money, their house, and everything else. I'm the one paying $500+ a week to live there out of my pocket, and NO ONE watches the kid but me.
I would want to get a shower and he'd "watch" her which means pawn her off to go drink and smoke more. Then I find her in his brothers room where he has firearms. His mom was too busy paying solitaire and the second she walked out of the room she shut the door and locked it. DD is crying wanting to get back in and being ignored. I have to hop out of the shower soaking wet and forget my shower.
Eventually after I was assaulted by my ex and his brother held a gun to my daughters head I ran out that day and never looked back. They plead guilty and got off with nothing. After the gun was pointed at my daughters head his mom tried to stop me from leaving the house saying to just go to sleep and forget it. Then they told the cops "it's a family matter, were just loud sometimes". After that, DUIs, etc and still they support him and make it others fault. Like the cops who stopped him for the DUIs, etc. and now they want custody. They "promise" the brother won't be in the home. Yeah right. Also you didn't bother with her when she was there, now you want her?
So would this be anything like a bunch of people who sign into a web site and sacrifice their time to tell other people how to fix their problems.
I think this board might be full of superhero's then...
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