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Old 03-29-2014, 07:33 PM
 
Location: NW AR
2,438 posts, read 2,152,808 times
Reputation: 2265

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I have read your post and to be honest, your relationships are not working out. I think being 29, you should recognize this. Your parents being there for you is a good thing, but they are not responsible for your relationship issues. You need to keep the two separate and quit trying to combine them, for whatever reason you are trying to justify here. It's a better situation than being on the streets but you chose this route of relationships. It's called ownership.

Wearing S*** clothes at twenty nine shows a lack of maturity is what I think your mother is saying.. maybe in the wrong ways, but I feel that is what she is conveying. ( Even though she takes it to an opposite right)

I think you need to continue counseling
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Old 03-29-2014, 08:11 PM
 
3,260 posts, read 2,978,452 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thegreenflute334 View Post
I have read your post and to be honest, your relationships are not working out. I think being 29, you should recognize this. Your parents being there for you is a good thing, but they are not responsible for your relationship issues. You need to keep the two separate and quit trying to combine them, for whatever reason you are trying to justify here. It's a better situation than being on the streets but you chose this route of relationships. It's called ownership.

Wearing S*** clothes at twenty nine shows a lack of maturity is what I think your mother is saying.. maybe in the wrong ways, but I feel that is what she is conveying. ( Even though she takes it to an opposite right)

I think you need to continue counseling
I dunno though, it sounds like either the OP or her mother have an atypical view of what is and what isn't appropriate attire.

If you (MyWhat...) come from money (and it sounds like you do since the parents aren't asking for any financial help whatsoever) a potential way around the clothing issue is a mother-daughter shopping trip. You can pull guys just as easily in a sundress and flats as a skirt and heels if you do it right, and a more elegant look will reduce your mother's concerns about exposed skin (since "that looks slutty" has a component of "I won't be comfortable with you looking that way around my friends" that a more classical look will solve even if it doesn't involve a lower hemline). Encourage her to try some stuff on as well - the whole point is to make her happy, thinking along the lines of living through you, and later make it much more difficult for her to be critical/controlling of what you wear because she had a hand in getting it with you. Anthropologie is a good option if there is one in your area. Also, by 29 it is honestly time to start dressing well (note: not modestly per se, but well - there's a difference) and you won't have the money for a new wardrobe for a while on your own so this knocks out two birds with one stone.
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Old 03-29-2014, 08:36 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,560 posts, read 4,046,574 times
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Well, I have young adult children -- 23 and 25. The 23 year old is finishing up an internship and living at home. They do not have a "curfew" -- how ridiculous! They are adults -- they have been at college and are out in the world, where do I get off telling them what time they have to be home like they're in high school again? The ONLY thing I ask is that they text me by midnight to let me know if/when they will be home that evening. She handles her own laundry, helps walk the dogs, takes responsibility for cooking dinner a couple of nights a week and cleans up after dinner on the other nights, keeps her bathroom clean and vacuums regularly. She's an ideal roomie. :-)

Your parents have your back -- but that doesn't mean they own you.

Also, the clothing issue might be a reflection of where they currently live -- if it is a small conservative town where everyone knows everyone else's business, then the OP might find herself talked about if she wears something that is too "current" or shows too much skin. Perhaps her mother is trying to avoid the gossip? I remember when I was 14, "scooter shorts" were all the rage -- it was a short tunic with matching shorts under it, slit up the front to show the shorts. I took a set with me to my grandmother's (total population 879, 3/4 of whom were cousins of some degree or other :-) ) When I put it on to walk to the drug store and the post office, my mother winced and said, "Honey, you need to change -- M_____ isn't ready for scooter shorts." :-) So, there might be a reason for her mother's hesitancy. Or maybe it's the OP's mother's way of saying, "Sweet cheeks, your butt is hanging out of your shorts . . . "
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Old 03-29-2014, 10:34 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,370,834 times
Reputation: 22268
Quote:
Originally Posted by MyWhatAHappyDay View Post




My mom has a hard time talking with others without yelling to get her point across... So it's really hard to talk with her
She might be hard of hearing -- some people talk loud because they need others to talk loud, they don't even realize how loud they talk.
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Old 03-30-2014, 12:13 AM
 
Location: NW AR
2,438 posts, read 2,152,808 times
Reputation: 2265
Quote:
Originally Posted by ALackOfCreativity View Post
I dunno though, it sounds like either the OP or her mother have an atypical view of what is and what isn't appropriate attire.

If you (MyWhat...) come from money (and it sounds like you do since the parents aren't asking for any financial help whatsoever) a potential way around the clothing issue is a mother-daughter shopping trip. You can pull guys just as easily in a sundress and flats as a skirt and heels if you do it right, and a more elegant look will reduce your mother's concerns about exposed skin (since "that looks slutty" has a component of "I won't be comfortable with you looking that way around my friends" that a more classical look will solve even if it doesn't involve a lower hemline). Encourage her to try some stuff on as well - the whole point is to make her happy, thinking along the lines of living through you, and later make it much more difficult for her to be critical/controlling of what you wear because she had a hand in getting it with you. Anthropologie is a good option if there is one in your area. Also, by 29 it is honestly time to start dressing well (note: not modestly per se, but well - there's a difference) and you won't have the money for a new wardrobe for a while on your own so this knocks out two birds with one stone.
No, I didn't come from money but I know how to make it. I had to learn how to make it because my parents have five kids.. I can remember when my mother took a loan for my first car. Cripes, the lectures I received was like I was asking for a million dollar advance. I grew-up fiercely independent but I couldn't agree with more on the bonding issue. I think that "key" here for the OP and her mother to bond.. even on something minimal such as a clothing issue.

My mother was a very blunt, head strong, stubborn, straight-forward female. She loved to laugh and would give people the benefit of the doubt but simply wouldn't do it all day. She would eventually call you out and make you accountable. It was embarrassing at times but a person simply can't change their parents. All parents want to be able to give their children everything, but sometimes not in the position to do that. They give what they can give..but I had to learn how to respect that. Good post by the way.
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Old 03-30-2014, 05:57 AM
 
14 posts, read 13,630 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by ALackOfCreativity
"I understand that in the end it's your house and your rules, but I'm not getting any younger and would like to meet a guy while I can still have kids, and if you would allow it I think [whatever] would help with that" will work wonders.
I've definitely thought of saying something along those lines if need be...more so when I'm ready to get back out there...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ALackOfCreativity
If you (MyWhat...) come from money (and it sounds like you do since the parents aren't asking for any financial help whatsoever) a potential way around the clothing issue is a mother-daughter shopping trip. You can pull guys just as easily in a sundress and flats as a skirt and heels if you do it right, and a more elegant look will reduce your mother's concerns about exposed skin (since "that looks slutty" has a component of "I won't be comfortable with you looking that way around my friends" that a more classical look will solve even if it doesn't involve a lower hemline).
...I mean, I'm already thinking I'll have to do the cliche change-in-a-public-bathroom thing...seriously, I dress 'normally', not skimpy clothes. Just for another example from when I was a kid- I was in band in middle school, and for special events, girls were to wear white button down shirts and black calf-length skirts- my mom always made me wear pants. The only girl who had to wear pants.

And I don't dress slutty, to throw it out there. When I was 15 and my mom said that, I was wearing an orange bell-sleeved sweater; when you wear a shirt, it rides up when you lift your arms up...nothing slutty about it, yet she has a warped sense of how women should dress. Like I said, the shorts I've been wearing are 3 inches from my knee- I have shorter shorts that I haven't worn here. She thinks showing any skin is inappropriate, except maybe your arms.

johngolf, thank you so much for the rules that you used with your son- I really appreciate your insight.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thegreenflute334
I have read your post and to be honest, your relationships are not working out. I think being 29, you should recognize this. Your parents being there for you is a good thing, but they are not responsible for your relationship issues. You need to keep the two separate and quit trying to combine them, for whatever reason you are trying to justify here. It's a better situation than being on the streets but you chose this route of relationships. It's called ownership.
I appreciate your feedback, but I don't understand what you mean... I never said my parents were responsible for my relationship issues. If my former roommate is included in "relationships," I paid the last 2 months of the lease and moved in with my ex (probably was a bad decision). When I first told my dad my ex and I fought, he didn't understand the extent I was talking about, and then once he did, he said I could move in, and I still waited until things got really physical. So, moving in with my ex may have been a poor choice, but I know that my parents had nothing to do with that, and I know that they didn't have to take me in and help me financially.

Another example of my mom being controlling (but I see that it's coming from a place of caring): my mom is anti-debit cards and since I moved in (and 3 times in the time it took me to write this post!) is telling me that I should make my debit card into an ATM-only card, and that have too many credit cards & to close some; my dad said that it's my choice what I do. Even getting mixed messages from my laid-back dad and controlling mom. Even this morning I had to tell my mom, "I can't take you sometimes, I don't mean to be rude;" I'm still damanged from my ex's abuse when someone yells, and I literally can't handle yelling (yes, someday getting back into counseling is ideal). malamute, she may be hard of hearing, I'm not sure. My dad does say that she just doesn't know she's yelling. But still, my mom and dad argue, with yelling, all the time. It's also hard because my mom repeats herself. All the time. It's part of her being controlling. She'll just say the same thing forever, and then if you do what she says, she'll still talk about it.

And I am being nice about it, about these issues, since I am beyond grateful to not be on the streets now. I know how she is and I think (about the yelling, for example), she understands that I've gone through what I have, and she's trying to be accommodating about that issue.

Again, I appreciate everyone's feedback- you all are giving some good pointers.
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Old 03-30-2014, 10:11 AM
 
4,102 posts, read 3,726,936 times
Reputation: 11215
Thank goodness for your parents! Don't spend a penny except for job hunting. Find work ASAP, save up a deposit, and move out. Thank your parents frequently, in both word and deed. Meaning, say "Thank you!" often. Meaning, take out the garbage, clean up, do anything your mother will let you do. Keep your room looking like a hotel room when you first walk into it. If they are bickering, go into your room and close the door, or go out for a walk. Be only sweetness and light and gratitude. And get a job and move out.
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Old 03-30-2014, 10:22 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,648 posts, read 6,928,612 times
Reputation: 13911
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
I agree with being grateful -- a free place to live, you don't have to put out sexually to have a place to live, and they aren't out to abuse you.

I think it would be best to be a good guest in their home, help out where you can, save up money, get your life back on track. Sometimes it's not so much about a curfew but the worrying that someone in the home is not in by a certain time and that leads to worry and lack of sleep. It's always nice to let someone you're staying with know when you'll be out late just so they don't worry.
That's always been the understanding in our house, when anyone goes out, to let others know they'll be late, or approximately what time they expect they'll be home. It's an acknowledgement, as I see it, that the others love you and worry about you, it's not intended to be a restrictive measure.

Our 29 year old daughter is living with us- as a result of a life threatening medical condition that derailed her life plans. She's better now, and trying to get her life back on track. Sometimes she'll call DH and me when she is home and we're out, thinking that we 've been out longer than she thought we would be ( we don't stay out that late, being golden oldies ourselves, LOL). She calls to see if everything is ok, and I'm touched when she does that. I try not to do that to her, though, and she's always been very good at getting home when she said she would...
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Old 03-30-2014, 10:26 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,648 posts, read 6,928,612 times
Reputation: 13911
Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
I had to move back in with my alcoholic mother and brother after my marriage imploded and I moved myself back from California. I had a job in weeks and was planning on moving out until it rained and the roof leaked into the dining room. I put a new roof on the house and it delayed my departure from my own personal hell a couple more months. I think I lived there less then 6 months. They barely saw me. I worked a lot. It could be worse. You could have my family. Be grateful that you have decent parents that love you. Do what you need to do and start over. Imagine what it would have been like if you didn't have that support system and had to figure it out on your own.
I hear you. I never could have lived with either of my parents ( divorced) had I needed help when I was younger. IN fact, there was no support, physical, moral, or financial from either of them once we hit age 18.

Made me stronger, though, and also made me realize that it was all up to me to get out of any problems I had. For that I have to be grateful.
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Old 03-30-2014, 10:28 AM
 
12,969 posts, read 15,281,544 times
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It's no walk in the park for them, either, having you live with them. They are doing you a favor. It's their house. You don't move back in and tell your mom not to yell so loud because it's traumatic for you. They don't have to change their lives/themselves just because you needed a place to live and moved in with them. Save up your money and move to your own place where you can control your environment. While you are living with them, it's their house/their rules. There might be tension between them because YOU are there; maybe that is why they are fighting.

I can see it from both perspectives because I moved out at 18 and moved back in with my parents when I was about 25 for about 6 months. I hated it and it just feels weird to be an adult living in your parents' house and feeling like a child again.

I also have adult children now and have had one move back in for a while. It completely changed our empty nest vibe we had going on and changed the dynamics in the house and was uncomfortable. We had gotten used to having the whole house to ourselves and we liked it! But we would let any of our kids move back in if they needed to. She did move out and we have our empty nest back.
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