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I had to move back in with my alcoholic mother and brother after my marriage imploded and I moved myself back from California. I had a job in weeks and was planning on moving out until it rained and the roof leaked into the dining room. I put a new roof on the house and it delayed my departure from my own personal hell a couple more months. I think I lived there less then 6 months. They barely saw me. I worked a lot. It could be worse. You could have my family. Be grateful that you have decent parents that love you. Do what you need to do and start over. Imagine what it would have been like if you didn't have that support system and had to figure it out on your own.
Just put up with their "rules" best you can. Definitely know what annoys them so you can avoid any confrontations with either of them. I have a very particular, controlling mother as well and could not live with her for any length of time, but would be thankful if I were in a situation like yours. Save your money and move out after being a very polite, thoughtful house guest. Good luck in getting a job quickly.
I agree. Suck it up, keep your head down and your mouth shut, do chores, work and save to get out.
My parents will pay for my needs, everything from food to car insurance, which will help me save up some money.
That alone shows that the situation isn't so bad. Things could have been worse. Your parents could have said "We'll let you stay here but you'll have to pay rent and we won't be responsible for any of your personal bills."
Well maybe you DID put the plate in the dishwasher wrong. It IS possible, you know. Like taking up the space for 10 plates with a platter or having a plate banging around against a pot.
There's only a finite space of where to put things in there, so I'd just let her show me and do it that way. Even if it's stupid.
It's funny how people interpret posts on the internet.
When I read your mother said not to wear shorts outside...I picture daisy dukes, cutoffs up the the butt or some other beat up attire.
I'm pretty sure she wasn't against actual "shorts" if you're living in FL.
You're in the position to suck up, because you're incredibly fortunate.
It IS interesting you suggest your mom is controlling and you were in dependent and abusive situations. A good thing to contemplate and probably not going to help you psychologically by continuing to live with her but...priorities.
When you are a parent, you see the other side of curfews.
When you feel responsible in any way for someone and you don't know where they are and have no idea if they're okay or in danger or maybe laying in some ER trauma room, it's hard to sleep. It's not so much about trying to treat someone like a little child -- if for example an adult relative came to visit and I expected they'd be back by late evening and it's now 2 am, I would worry. Those are the times that you seem to hear more ambulance and police sirens.
Plus some people can't sleep well until their house is locked up for the night, no more doors opening and people coming and going.
Ditto to all the other comments re. letting them know when to expect you home at night. I'm 31, and still tell my parents when I'm going to be back if I go out while visiting them. I even text my mother when I'm at my own home and out late, if she knows I'm going to be out.
You haven't lived at home since you were a teenager, so you mother might not really "know" you as an adult. Likewise, you mostly know your parents as parents, not as peers. The more your mother sees you acting mature and responsibly, the more she will respect you as an adult.
As far as chores and helping out, I wouldn't approach this as a house guest, but as an adult with roommates. If the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, empty it. If the garbage is full, take it out. Anything else you notice that needs to be done around the house, do it. You should be doing at least 1/3 of the housework, if not more since you aren't working full time and not paying rent.
Offer to make some financial contribution, to the extent you can. Maybe that is buying groceries. Maybe take over the cable or power bill. Even if it's only $20/month, it will go a long way towards demonstrating maturity and responsibility.
Take some time to observe how they do things around the house, and try to do the same. If you notice something is dangerous or wasteful, politely suggest doing it a different way. If it's just not the way you would do it, be a little flexible.
As for inter-personal stuff, sit down and talk to both of your parents. You are an adult. You should be able to have a rational, mature conversation about expectations and responsibilities. Start out by thanking them for helping you, then simply state that you want to make sure you're all on the same page. Do not accuse or blame anyone of anything. Let them know how you are planning to contribute to the household, and ask if they think that is adequate or if there is anything else they want you to do. Ask them if they have any other expectations of you. If there are any ground rules you want to ask of them (e.g. don't go in bedroom without asking), tell them clearly but politely.
Be grateful that you have decent parents that love you
Believe me, I am, and they know it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors
When I read your mother said not to wear shorts outside...I picture daisy dukes, cutoffs up the the butt or some other beat up attire.
Nope...my "slutty" shorts are packed away. Any skin showing is basically a no-no to her, really (and she's not a Christian Conservative). She's been wearing long sleeves and long pants.
Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors
It IS interesting you suggest your mom is controlling and you were in dependent and abusive situations. A good thing to contemplate and probably not going to help you psychologically by continuing to live with her but...priorities.
Let's just say that when I was in counseling when I was married years ago, I stopped going because it turned into me talking about my mommy issues. I know I need to stop living with controlling people. Just need to get back on my feet first!
malamute, I get that, that they want to know that I'm safe, and my mom definitely is a lock-up-the-house-the-second-you-walk-in kind of person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mpheels
Offer to make some financial contribution, to the extent you can. Maybe that is buying groceries. Maybe take over the cable or power bill. Even if it's only $20/month, it will go a long way towards demonstrating maturity and responsibility.
I'm lucky in that it was my parents' idea to help me with my bills...they wouldn't accept me paying for anything. And I've definitely been doing chores. I'm still in the process of unpacking, so the garage and my room still need to be organized, but I've been helping out around the house.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mpheels
You should be able to have a rational, mature conversation about expectations and responsibilities.
My mom has a hard time talking with others without yelling to get her point across... So it's really hard to talk with her.
I'm not complaining for the sake of complaining about that- I don't know what I would have done if they wouldn't have taken me in during this hard time- but like I originally said, I moved out originally because my mom is controlling, to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. And yeah, I'm finding myself not being as argumentative as I would have been when I was younger. But things like the shorts comment- my dad (and friends who asked how my mom's being) and I both got mad at her for that; he told her that I'm an adult and I can dress how I want. I just measured- these shorts are 3 inches from my knee!
I didn't want to complain on here, just to wonder how other people have dealt with moving back home (especially with a controlling parent). I do appreciate all the feedback!
I was living with a roommate, money was running out, the guy I was dating asked me to move in with him (not knowing my financial situation), so I moved in (I figured it was easier than asking my parents for money). It turned into an abusive relationship, and I couldn't afford to get out. Things got so bad, I recently moved in with my parents in another state, leaving my job behind.
I moved out of my parents' home originally when I was 19, and I went to college and got married and got divorced, then moved to another state for grad school (which didn't pan out). All this to say, I moved out for a reason initially (my mom is very controlling), and now I'm living here again. My parents will pay for my needs, everything from food to car insurance, which will help me save up some money. I'm job hunting, so I feel like I shouldn't even go out, whether that means driving an hour or so to see friends (I lived in a different part of this state previously) or exploring the town. When I am working again, I don't know how I'm going to hang out with friends or date- will I have a curfew like I did when I was a teenager?!
Have any of you gone through this and have any advice?
My son (at age 30) and his live in girl friend broke up. As it was her condo, he was out. He asked if he could live with us for a few months to get his feet back on the ground. I said of course but a few rules:
1) We agreed on a period of time. No longer then 6 months. After that you are a deadbeat.
2) We do not care where you go or when you come home but it is normal to worry so at least give us an idea of the plan. Like I will not be home tonight, etc.
3) You will do your own laundry and room cleaning. Also the same for any part of the house you use, especially kitchen and bath. We are not your servants.
4) You will not drink nor eat the last of anything. I do not want surprises like I go for a bowl of cereal and there is no milk.
5) You will help around the house. Simple chores but none the less there will be chores for you to do.
6) No one spends the night unless we know about it. Do not to want to run into a stranger in my own home.
7) Treat them with respect. You are a guest in their home. You not a child they are raising.
Tough love here but accept you are having growing up/life issues and get them cleaned up. Accept some of your decisions have not been wise ones. Learn from them or be doomed to repeat them.
1. Do the chores. Yours and some for your parents on top of that. Do it quietly without making a big deal of it; they will notice even if they don't say a word. This does two things. One, it makes their lives easier which they will appreciate. Second, it will establish that you aren't a kid anymore and that things aren't like they were back when you were 19 -- which will extend beyond the chores you are doing.
2. Try to avoid direct fights with your mother about her being controlling as this will cause her to be more controlling. Instead, let her have that control but appeal to what she wants to get your way. In terms of independence to date, stay out late, dress as you like etc. a snide "I'm not 15 anymore" will do harm, "I understand that in the end it's your house and your rules, but I'm not getting any younger and would like to meet a guy while I can still have kids, and if you would allow it I think [whatever] would help with that" will work wonders.
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