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Old 04-01-2014, 09:41 AM
 
26,315 posts, read 24,413,788 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luckygirl15 View Post
I was over at a friends house and we were talking about a mutual friends ex-husband. I said, well there ware 2 sides to every story. She was furious that I said such a thing. My friend said that when people say that, it's like saying that's it's one persons fault.

What I meant by that, and I told her this as well, is that I have to hear both sides to make any decision about someone. To dislike someone based on what someone says about them, it's ignorant.

My friend has a lot of girlfriends who are "divorced" from terrible awful guys. I'm not saying that they aren't really terrible awful guys, just that I can't make up my mind until I meet them myself.

This is causing a rift in our relationship now. She thinks I'm wrong and I think she's being ignorant.

Thoughts?
she was defending the mutal friend
She was also feeling that it's all the husbands fault, with no fault to her friend...and she took offense when you said that...like you doubted her...she sounds insecure, and like she doesn't get a much larger picture.
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Old 04-01-2014, 09:49 AM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,135 posts, read 21,823,696 times
Reputation: 23216
Quote:
Originally Posted by luckygirl15 View Post
I was over at a friends house and we were talking about a mutual friends ex-husband. I said, well there ware 2 sides to every story. She was furious that I said such a thing. My friend said that when people say that, it's like saying that's it's one persons fault.

What I meant by that, and I told her this as well, is that I have to hear both sides to make any decision about someone. To dislike someone based on what someone says about them, it's ignorant.

My friend has a lot of girlfriends who are "divorced" from terrible awful guys. I'm not saying that they aren't really terrible awful guys, just that I can't make up my mind until I meet them myself.

This is causing a rift in our relationship now. She thinks I'm wrong and I think she's being ignorant.

Thoughts?
You are right. I have a friend that is forever telling about what someone said or did to her. She never admits to what she did to bring it on. You were saying it is two people's fault. She is the one saying only the ex-husband is to blame.

I once saw a TV program discussing the after life experiences. The person that had died and gone to heaven said she experienced a time when the truth on life's experiences were revealed. She said she could see what she thought, what the other person thought, then the real truth. She could also see the other persons feelings coming from what she had said. Wouldn't it be helpful if we could see this now?
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Old 04-01-2014, 10:13 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,586 posts, read 23,122,267 times
Reputation: 48552
Quote:
Originally Posted by luckygirl15 View Post
I was over at a friends house and we were talking about a mutual friends ex-husband. I said, well there ware 2 sides to every story. She was furious that I said such a thing. My friend said that when people say that, it's like saying that's it's one persons fault.

What I meant by that, and I told her this as well, is that I have to hear both sides to make any decision about someone. To dislike someone based on what someone says about them, it's ignorant.

My friend has a lot of girlfriends who are "divorced" from terrible awful guys. I'm not saying that they aren't really terrible awful guys, just that I can't make up my mind until I meet them myself.

This is causing a rift in our relationship now. She thinks I'm wrong and I think she's being ignorant.

Thoughts?

I think that the "old saying" "there are two sides to every story" is just that - an "old saying".

Sort of like "when it rains, it pours" or "the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree".

Personally, I do not think there are "two sides to every story". Sometimes there are, and sometimes there aren't. That very fact, makes it false.

So that isn't one of my favorite "old sayings".

Perhaps divorce (and divorced men) are not a topic that you should discuss with this particular woman.

And, going on a "fact finding mission" isn't realistic.

So let it go. Just inform her that you want to avoid discussing other people's divorces, and that the issue of who is right and who is wrong, is really none of your business.

Because it really is not any of your business.
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Old 04-01-2014, 10:15 AM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,407,283 times
Reputation: 16753
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leaving4Ca View Post
This is about having your friend's back and her friends' back, not "right" and "wrong." This is about girlfriends sticking together, the ladies having each other's back.
What if...and this is not too far of a stretch...having your ladies' backs means glossing over alcoholism or infidelity? Um, no, not gonna happen. I'll just keep my mouth shut.
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Old 04-01-2014, 10:16 AM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,407,283 times
Reputation: 16753
Quote:
Originally Posted by choo_choo_train_lol View Post
I don't think it's a good thing to enable a friend's possibly inaccurate view of reality. People keep bad habits and have bad attitudes all their life because they don't associate with anyone who will challenge their views. Most of peoples bad behavior towards others comes from a lack of empathy and feeling that their biased view of reality is correct and justified.
I am framing this.
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Old 04-01-2014, 10:21 AM
 
16,990 posts, read 20,594,508 times
Reputation: 33956
Quote:
Originally Posted by FriendOfWaffles View Post
Yes, it's TRUE, there ARE two sides to every story, ALWAYS.

(but sometimes one of the sides is a psycho )

Exactly, do you tell the person who is being stalked by a crazy ex or have been physically abused. "Well there are two sides to every story".

In a case like this as others have said it is best to just nod or as one poster said say "it sounds complicated" and leave it at that.

While the friend overreacted, the OP also misspoke.
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Old 04-01-2014, 10:32 AM
 
Location: SLC, UT
1,571 posts, read 2,275,426 times
Reputation: 3848
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCN View Post
You are right. I have a friend that is forever telling about what someone said or did to her. She never admits to what she did to bring it on. You were saying it is two people's fault. She is the one saying only the ex-husband is to blame.

I once saw a TV program discussing the after life experiences. The person that had died and gone to heaven said she experienced a time when the truth on life's experiences were revealed. She said she could see what she thought, what the other person thought, then the real truth. She could also see the other persons feelings coming from what she had said. Wouldn't it be helpful if we could see this now?
You're misunderstanding what's happening. You have a friend who never admits to her own mistakes. That's not what's going on with the OP. In the OP's case, a friend of the OP was venting about how another friend's husband is a jerk. In other words, the OP's friend was coming to the defense of a third friend who is going through a divorce and hurting. This has nothing to do with the OP's friend denying any of her own culpability - the OP's friend was talking about a third person, not herself.

Frankly, the whole thing is ridiculous. So no one is allowed to be upset anymore without having to view the situation from all sides? The friend was upset for a third friend who is going through a divorce. Because the OP's friend is not good friends with the husband involved, OF COURSE she would take her friend's side. All the OP needed to do was say something like, "It sounds like a bad situation..." The OP didn't need to knock the husband, or even continue the conversation. All she needed to do was listen, or change the topic. Instead, she felt the need to begin an argument. Why? And of course, instead of just apologizing to her friend to smooth things over (especially when the argument was about something that's ultimately insignificant), she's going online and telling strangers about the event in order to validate herself.

It would be similar to this:
Friend: "My friend is having a really hard time. Her boyfriend cheated on her, so now she's trying to get all her things together and move out of his apartment. What a jerk. I can't believe he'd treat her like that."
Me: "Well, there are two sides to every story. Maybe your friend did something to push him away."

What would be the point of me saying that? Saying that doesn't solve anything. It won't help my friend's friend take any ownership of the problems she has with her boyfriend. Ultimately, it's just me being argumentative. All I need to say is something like, "Man, that sucks."

Anyhow, the OP turned what was simply her friend venting into a big issue, and now she's going online to validate herself and making it even more of an issue.
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Old 04-01-2014, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Up North in God's Country
670 posts, read 812,625 times
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Your friend sounds like a control freak.
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Old 04-01-2014, 11:00 AM
 
6,040 posts, read 4,407,283 times
Reputation: 16753
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisfitBanana View Post
You're misunderstanding what's happening. You have a friend who never admits to her own mistakes. That's not what's going on with the OP. In the OP's case, a friend of the OP was venting about how another friend's husband is a jerk. In other words, the OP's friend was coming to the defense of a third friend who is going through a divorce and hurting. This has nothing to do with the OP's friend denying any of her own culpability - the OP's friend was talking about a third person, not herself.

Frankly, the whole thing is ridiculous. So no one is allowed to be upset anymore without having to view the situation from all sides? The friend was upset for a third friend who is going through a divorce. Because the OP's friend is not good friends with the husband involved, OF COURSE she would take her friend's side. All the OP needed to do was say something like, "It sounds like a bad situation..." The OP didn't need to knock the husband, or even continue the conversation. All she needed to do was listen, or change the topic. Instead, she felt the need to begin an argument. Why? And of course, instead of just apologizing to her friend to smooth things over (especially when the argument was about something that's ultimately insignificant), she's going online and telling strangers about the event in order to validate herself.

It would be similar to this:
Friend: "My friend is having a really hard time. Her boyfriend cheated on her, so now she's trying to get all her things together and move out of his apartment. What a jerk. I can't believe he'd treat her like that."
Me: "Well, there are two sides to every story. Maybe your friend did something to push him away."

What would be the point of me saying that? Saying that doesn't solve anything. It won't help my friend's friend take any ownership of the problems she has with her boyfriend. Ultimately, it's just me being argumentative. All I need to say is something like, "Man, that sucks."

Anyhow, the OP turned what was simply her friend venting into a big issue, and now she's going online to validate herself and making it even more of an issue.
The OP is two levels removed from the person with the problem. To me, that means this whole situation is common day gossip and pointless venting (IMHO, 'venting' is a grossly over-rated human activity).

In my opinion, that means just keep your mouth shut and nod non-committingly.
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Old 04-01-2014, 11:10 AM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,769,309 times
Reputation: 25416
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisfitBanana View Post
Frankly, the whole thing is ridiculous. So no one is allowed to be upset anymore without having to view the situation from all sides? The friend was upset for a third friend who is going through a divorce. Because the OP's friend is not good friends with the husband involved, OF COURSE she would take her friend's side. All the OP needed to do was say something like, "It sounds like a bad situation..." The OP didn't need to knock the husband, or even continue the conversation. All she needed to do was listen, or change the topic. Instead, she felt the need to begin an argument. Why? And of course, instead of just apologizing to her friend to smooth things over (especially when the argument was about something that's ultimately insignificant), she's going online and telling strangers about the event in order to validate herself.

It would be similar to this:
Friend: "My friend is having a really hard time. Her boyfriend cheated on her, so now she's trying to get all her things together and move out of his apartment. What a jerk. I can't believe he'd treat her like that."
Me: "Well, there are two sides to every story. Maybe your friend did something to push him away."

What would be the point of me saying that? Saying that doesn't solve anything. It won't help my friend's friend take any ownership of the problems she has with her boyfriend. Ultimately, it's just me being argumentative. All I need to say is something like, "Man, that sucks."

Anyhow, the OP turned what was simply her friend venting into a big issue, and now she's going online to validate herself and making it even more of an issue.
The OP did say that they were talking about a mutual friend's ex-husband. If the OP has a different opinion about the cause of the break-up, or if she thinks the wife was more at fault, is she still obligated to say only, "Man, that sucks."?

It almost seems like some people think there's a "first to comment" rule, whereby only the person who initiates the topic of conversation is entitled to have an opinion about it. All anyone else is entitled to do is affirm the first opinion.

I can understand that if someone is truly beside herself that the listener might not want to express a different opinion and cause the friend more grief, but again, we're talking about some gossip about a mutual friend's ex-husband.
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