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Old 04-02-2014, 11:15 PM
 
2 posts, read 2,288 times
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Warning: this is really long. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so it's a bit of a rant. I'll put a short version at the bottom.

I've been friends with T for about 7 years, since I was 14. She moved to my hometown from another country, and while she got a lot of attention from the 'popular' crowd at first, the eventual consensus was that she was a 'weird kid', and she stopped receiving invitations to parties, lunch tables, etc. I was a 'weird kid' as well, and after we had hung out once, we were immediately friends. When the inevitable high school drama started to tear our group of friends apart, our friendship was unaffected. It was never a possibility that we would stop being friends, because we connected so well. We spent nearly all our free time hanging out. When her dad kicked her out of his house, my family took her in, and we lived together for almost a year. We opened up completely to each other, discussing all of our anxieties, dreams, bad memories, everything. We both had depression and anxiety, and we pushed each other to exercise, eat healthy, and learn something every day. It worked. We were both happy again, for the first time in years. We made a promise to always be friends, and always have each others' backs.

Then I met my current boyfriend, M. He lived in another state, and while I didn't want T to feel abandoned, I started to spend 3-4 days at a time visiting him. When I was home, we were still as close as ever, but I could tell that she was bothered by the possibility of being left behind. About a month into dating M, we decided to plan a camping trip. He invited 3 of his friends, and I invited 3 of mine - T, my brother, and a male friend of mine, L. Prior to this trip, T had expressed a lot of interest in dating L, and on the 3 hour ride to the campgrounds, they were snuggling in the back seat and they were holding hands. I was happy for them; L is one of the nicest, smartest people I've ever met. When we arrived, after all the introductions had been made, I pulled T aside and warned her that one of M's friends, J, was a serious drug addict and had been known to steal. (M invited him along because they used to be best friends, and he had a vague hope that getting out of the house, into nature, and having fun without putting anything up his nose would be good for J) We all went for a hike and then set up camp, started a fire, and started to get drunk. M had been feeling sick for a few days, but hadn't wanted to cancel the trip. Once it started to get late, and he'd had a drink, he felt worse and went to bed early. I stayed up for another hour or two, but I got worried about M and said good night to everyone. T was engrossed in conversation with M's friends and didn't mind at all. A few hours after I had gone to bed, I heard people approaching our tent. T had planned to share our tent, but I could hear her giggling with someone. Imagine my surprise when she unzipped the tent flap and climbed in with not L, but J - the drug addict and thief. They proceeded to make out and tickle each other all night, while poor sick M and I tried to get some sleep. (Turns out M had mono, and was in danger of having his spleen rupture) The next morning, she announced that she and J were in love, she was going to help him get clean, and she was moving in with him.

The next 1.5 years were an endless cycle of 'Guess what! J is finally clean! I'm so proud! ... oh, oops, he was actually doing drugs behind my back.' Over the course of their relationship he stole her credit card, ruined her birthday, told countless lies, and stole from a disabled child to fund his habit. She moved them both to the middle of nowhere, paying for everything, to try to get him away from the people who were selling him drugs. He found new dealers and lost his ****ty job. She ran out of money. They moved back to his house. He got addicted to something worse. She moved them to a very expensive apartment in a major city so that he would be closer to support groups and far away from everyone he knew. He got caught shoplifting cough syrup. Throughout ALL of this, I was supportive. I repeatedly told her that I really hoped J would actually get clean this time, but if he didn't, she needed to decide where her boundaries were. When they first started dating, she said he would have 3 strikes, but he must have racked up 50+ strikes. I hate J, and it probably showed, but I tried so hard to be a good friend to T and make her feel loved and supported.

After the shoplifting incident, they broke up for the 3rd time, this time for good (so far). After a few weeks had gone by, I thought she might be starting to see what a mistake it had been to spend almost 2 years trying to drag this ******* out of a pit, but she was talking about getting back together with him when he got clean. I wasn't harsh, but I told her that she deserved to be treated much better than he had treated her, and that he wasn't in the right mental state to be a good boyfriend. She flipped out and said she didn't blame him for anything he did, it was all the addiction, nobody understands, if only I knew him like she does, I would understand, blahblahblah. We agreed not to talk about him anymore because we obviously don't see eye to eye.

A few weeks later, I had a really big fight with M. I found out that he had said some really horrible things about me behind my back. I went to her for advice/comfort, and she immediately told me to dump him. It took me a few days to work through my feelings about it, but I realized that it was incredibly unfair of her to tell me to give up on my 2 year relationship with M, who I love dearly, and have almost no issues with, when I NEVER told her to break up with J. That was her decision to make, and it wasn't my place to tell her to do that, even though it was obviously what she should have done. I nudged her in that direction, telling her that his behavior was unacceptable and she shouldn't stand for it, but I never said 'you could do better, you should just leave.' To make matters worse, I haven't seen her in almost 6 months, because she always has some excuse about 'oh, my crippling illness that makes no medical sense' (more on that later) or 'I can't afford bus fare, but I can afford all these new dresses and makeup'. But when she told me to dump M, she immediately started making plans like 'after you break up with him, I'll come visit you all the time, for weeks at a time!'

I confronted her about it, telling her that I was very uncomfortable with the fact that she wants me and M to break up, and that it wasn't fair, given how considerate I was throughout her entire relationship with J. She very stiffly said something along the lines of 'I'm sorry you took it that way'. I was so upset I started to run through all of my memories with her in my head, and I've realized that SHE'S HORRIBLE. I don't know how I didn't see it before.

-She's always been incredibly selfish, but I just ignored it, telling myself I didn't mind, because I used to have absolutely no self worth and not care if someone walked all over me. Now that I've realized I matter, I don't want anything to do with people who always have to have their way. [Example 1: always has to listen to the music she wants to listen to, even if she's at a party, someone else's house, or being driven somewhere in someone else's car. The one time I tried to put my foot down when she tried to change the music I was playing in my own bedroom, she threw a tantrum and stormed out, saying she would never hang out in my room ever again.] [Example 2: T and J came to visit me and M, she spent the whole time trying to tickle J and cuddle with him, completely ignoring me, and also disrupting the conversation M + J were trying to have.] [Example 3: I couldn't visit her at J's house because several people in his household are chain smokers and I have asthma. She lived literally 2 minutes away from me for over a year and came to visit maybe 4 times, and every time was when I had something she wanted, like when she desperately needed to borrow money for emergency Tums for J's 'stomach ulcers' (which mysteriously disappeared).]

-The way she acts around men is disgusting. She craves their attention and does anything she can to get it, but if a guy actually approaches her, she acts like he's a pervert. [Example 1: We went to a music festival together, she started dancing in just a bra and a skirt, in a big group of people. A guy started dancing up next to her, not grinding or anything, just trying to dance with her, and she gave him an awful look and then walked over to me and our friends talking about how gross he was. She also called him a pedophile, even though she was 19 at the time.] [Example 2: She met a guy at a party and gave him a blowjob because he had a cool motorcycle and she wanted him to take her for rides on it. He tried to finger her and she threw a drink in his face, called him a pig, and left the party. He tried calling her, sent her apology messages, and tried to buy her a gift to apologize. She never responded and still talks about what a 'creep' he was] [Example 3: Posts pictures of herself pole dancing on facebook, talks **** to me about how gross and desperate all the guys are who like or comment on the pictures]

-She constantly talks about getting low blood sugar, and claims she has severe hypoglycemia. This makes her unable to do anything for herself. When she was living with J, he would have to make every meal for her, and sometimes even carry her around the house. Her symptoms are: when she's faced with having to do anything, she suddenly gets lightheaded and the only thing she's capable of doing is sitting/laying down with her hand on her forehead and a distressed look on her face. Also she is extremely bitchy and argumentative for no reason, all the time, and then says 'sorry, I had low blood sugar'. I think this is mostly her imagination/a lie. She has consulted ONE doctor in the 2.5 years that she's supposedly had this condition, and that doctor told her to eat more sugar and fiber, for example, fruit. T flipped out and ranted to me about what an idiot the doctor was. The only thing that helps her blood sugar is protein. Massive amounts of protein. Like bacon wrapped turkey legs. Protein isn't converted into glucose, and therefore wouldn't help with low blood sugar... There's a reason diabetics don't go around eating slim jims. Also, despite being pretty much bedridden for most of the time that she's 'been sick', when a birthday present for J arrived at M's house, she SPRINTED down a very busy road, retrieved the package from me, and sprinted back down the road to J's house before he got home. Crippling illness, my ass.

-Her personality changed completely while dating J. Before J, she was tough, sarcastic, interested in science, not afraid to be weird. She wouldn't back down from a fight and even got into fistfights with guys on a few occasions. When she started dating J, she started trying to act like J, but the problem was, J was trying to act like her, so they both ended up acting incredibly artificial all the time, and her real personality became this weird flakey flower child, always giggling and doing 'quirky' things, trying to be cute, talking about how all the world's problems could be solved if everybody would just love everybody (eyeroll). And she lost all interest in going to school or exercising. When I would try to motivate her by reminding her of how much fun it was when we would hike + ride bikes together every day, she would just say "pfffft." Now I kind of think that her personality before was just her trying to act like me, because I'm tough, sarcastic, interested in science, and not afraid to be weird. It seems like she just attaches herself one person at a time and imitates them.

The more I think about every interaction I've had with her since moving out of my house (and some before then), the less I like her. She pisses me off. She's incredibly transparent in her attempted manipulations, and more than anything, she's fake. She was so worried about being left behind that she latched onto the first person she found who would be willing to take care of her, and then tried to morph into a copy of him. I don't like who she's become. I find myself talking to her less and less, and I really want to tell her what I think of her, but we have a lot of mutual friends, and they would probably side with her because she's really good at playing the victim.

But on the other hand, I remember how close we used to be, and the promise we made. She's obviously mentally ill, and because she helped me out of my deep depression, I feel somewhat obligated to help her out of whatever the hell is wrong with her now. I also feel like an ******* because I'm not letting on how I'm feeling at all, and she still thinks our friendship is healthy and happy. It makes me feel two-faced.

Is it worth holding onto a dying friendship with someone like this, just because we used to be best friends?

Short version: Friends for ~7 years. We were best friends from day 1. My family took her in when she had nowhere to go. We were both horribly depressed and our friendship + encouraging each other made us happy again. We made a promise to always be friends and always support each other. I got a boyfriend and was spending lots of time in his town. She started dating the first guy from his town who showed interest in her (I think just to follow me), despite my warnings that he was a drug addict and a thief, and moved in with him the day after meeting him. She got trapped in a toxic relationship with an addict and changed completely. She now claims to have a debilitating illness - the most severe hypoglycemia the world has ever seen, which makes her get such low blood sugar that she can't move for fear of fainting and falling down. (She has never fainted in her life) But she won't see a doctor, because they're all idiots who don't know what they're talking about. After finally breaking up with her piece of **** boyfriend, she tried to get me to break up with mine. She is selfish, manipulative, fake, and annoying. I'm sick of her bull**** and I don't like her anymore. But I can't stop thinking about the promise that we made to each other, and I have this little glimmer of hope that the old version of her might come back... but I don't know if that version was ever real.

Last edited by terriblefriend; 04-03-2014 at 12:07 AM..
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Old 04-03-2014, 12:29 AM
 
10,789 posts, read 7,994,238 times
Reputation: 16874
First time post from a new user, yet there are so many elements I've read here before. Eerily so, deja vu, I've read some of the exact words before. No matter, we can easily put this away.

Quote:
Is it worth holding onto a dying friendship with someone like this, just because we used to be best friends?
Easy question. The answer is: You're perfectly free to choose your friends. You're perfectly free to choose the people with whom you associate. You're perfectly free to decide if you want to hold on or move on.
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Old 04-03-2014, 12:49 AM
 
Location: in your dreams
10,892 posts, read 13,484,406 times
Reputation: 15338
I think this is really sad.. The way that women allow themselves to be distracted by men and basically destroy their own friendships. And OP, it's not all her fault.. She moved away from her home country, lost her home with her own family, all she has is this guy, and quite possibly you may be the only real friend in her life...Most likely she probably saw you happy with a bf and wanted to be included, instead of left behind.. You have to look @ the bigger picture and ask yourself do you really hate HER or is it her behavior in this situation??
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Old 04-03-2014, 01:04 AM
 
2 posts, read 2,288 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by D217 View Post
I think this is really sad.. The way that women allow themselves to be distracted by men and basically destroy their own friendships. And OP, it's not all her fault.. She moved away from her home country, lost her home with her own family, all she has is this guy, and quite possibly you may be the only real friend in her life...Most likely she probably saw you happy with a bf and wanted to be included, instead of left behind.. You have to look @ the bigger picture and ask yourself do you really hate HER or is it her behavior in this situation??
She isn't all alone in the world. She's in contact with her dad, and she has a brother here who she's close with. She also has lots of friends, and currently rents a room in a friend's house. It may be true that I'm her only real friend, but I don't know if I can bear the responsibility of being the one who's supposed to help her, when she's not even interested in being helped, because she doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior. I've tried for so long, but she never listens to me.
Perfect example:
'Hey, stay away from that guy, he's a drug addict and will steal your money.'
'I'm moving in with him! Oh no, he stole all of my money!'
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Old 04-03-2014, 01:52 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,820 posts, read 6,340,604 times
Reputation: 4879
too much drama..people grow and hopefully grow up...These lifelong friendships are a thing for the movies, they happen very rarely. Most of the time they're people holding on to the past for whatever reason. Let her do what she wants with her life. She's gonna anyway. Might as well go on with yours...and quit hating for how someone decides to live their lives, it's a waste of time and energy. It's not your choice to make.
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Last edited by MaggieZ; 04-03-2014 at 02:02 AM..
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Old 04-03-2014, 05:43 AM
 
1,339 posts, read 2,954,169 times
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Thanks for the warning about the long post. I just scrolled to the bottom and started typing. Thanks again!
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Old 04-03-2014, 05:52 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 58,022,800 times
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Some good friendships continue to grow through the years despite numerous changes in the parties' lives and others just burn out because of them. This is the latter. When a "friendship" becomes a burden it's time to move on. Move on and good luck!
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Old 04-03-2014, 06:01 AM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
15,012 posts, read 11,958,186 times
Reputation: 16468
If you feel guilty about not being her friend anymore....remember you can
be nice to someone, but be so busy you don't have time to call back, or go to
lunch...you can still love them and wish the best for them...but, take a step
away from being around them too much....so you have a friendship "shift"...
It's like moving into a different Season of your life...some might call it growing up
or being wiser, more discerning, or protecting yourSELF.
I'm so sorry. Don't hate her, but hate her behavior.

A thought...what would you do if you're friend was drowning...and as you tried to help
she only kept pulling you down with her?
Eventually you have to throw her a lifevest, but push yourself away.
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Old 04-03-2014, 06:37 AM
 
525 posts, read 504,231 times
Reputation: 493
If you go by this simple rule, your course of action will be very clear: it is not what people say, but what they do, that counts.
A person can swear they will or won't do anything but when push comes to shove, and they do it anyway, does that not speak volumes?
Broken promises or the fear of breaking them indicates much about the kind of person you are. You deserve better. Now go out and get it.
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Old 04-03-2014, 07:55 AM
 
Location: Prosper
6,268 posts, read 12,813,138 times
Reputation: 9361
You're 21. One of the hardest lessons in life to learn (but also one of the most important!) is when to move on. Sometimes, people aren't ready to move on with you, and you need to leave them in the past. If they are truly a good friend, then someday they may catch up with you and you can renew what you once had.

I had a friend a long time ago in middle school who got hooked on drugs. At first it was just pot, but it gradually became harder stuff. This progressed through high school, and then our freshman year of college. He just slipped further and further away from the good friend he used to be, the final straw was when he called me to come pick him up. So I did.

I had no idea he was asking me to come get him from a drug dealer's house after a deal that had gone bad. It was a very dangerous situation to be put in. After that, I cut him out completely. If I hadn't he might have taken me down with him. He never managed to straighten out his life, and died a few years later.

Not all people are meant to be your friend for the long haul. Very few, in fact, will still be there after settling down, getting married, having kids, etc. Hopefully your friend will eventually wise up and realize that her bf is holding her back, and if that happens I wouldn't be surprised at all if your friendship can continue again.
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