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Old 04-07-2014, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
2,386 posts, read 2,992,380 times
Reputation: 2838

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[TL;DR VERSION: My mother's son is an addict, a liar and a thief on parole, living with us and wants his girlfriend and her daughter to live with us, too, to be safe from her stalking, violent 'baby daddy' instead of living with her mother in a house where it's safe and they're welcome. I don't think it's right, and too much drama. Am I overreacting?]

I've been living with my mother while I'm looking for work, since I'm currently unemployed. My mother is 74 years old and disabled, meaning I take care of lots of things around the house, make sure her insurance and bill payments are on time, escort her to her doctor appointments, fill and pick up her prescriptions, the grocery shopping, taking out the trash, getting maintenance to repair broken things and make sure she has the mail, house is clean, phones are working, and little things like answering the door when she's bedridden, which is throughout the day. She lives in a very bad area as well.

On top of this, her son was released from prison last December, and just moved into the apartment with us just last week after being released from the halfway house and curfews. He's an addict, but besides drinking beer and wine coolers with his girlfriend (who he also brings in and she spends every night here with him), he hasn't been back in the habit of stealing and being in trouble in the streets with crack and heroine as he was for most of his life (he's 56 years old). He just started a construction job last week.

His girlfriend is in a situation where her ex-boyfriend (her "baby daddy") is stalking her and broke her apartment windows, and making her feel unsafe at her own apartment. She got the police involved and the guy supposedly was put into jail, and she and her daughter were supposed to go to protective custody in a shelter; she took her daughter to her mother's house instead, and now wants to come stay with my mother and I, and her son, in our three bedroom apartment for whatever amount of time.

My mother and I are supposed to be going to a wedding out of town in two days and staying until Saturday, but now she's saying she isn't going, but I still want to go. My mother is a weak woman most people will consider to be a doormat, and she doesn't know how to say "no" to things because she's scared of people and has no principles. For example, my entire childhood, all I knew about her son was that he would break into our house numerous times, and of course Christmas, and steal everything we owned to sell for drugs in the street. One time he even broke in on a day I was at home in the daytime alone, sick from school, and he put a knife to my throat just so he could steal my mother's things. This happened continuously while I was growing up and she never called the police and always just let him come back and keep violating us. How do you let a criminal in your household to hurt your family and terrorize your daughter numerous times??? This is not a mother who has any self-respect, but someone her son has violated his entire life without any consequence or resistance until he was finally imprisoned 13 years ago. He's on parole now for five years and my mother let him live here because he says he doesn't want to stay at a shelter. I have huge objections to this man having the key to our home while we are out of town, or even when it's just my mother here alone, because she's old and weak and easily taken advantage of, and because she isn't involved in anything that happens in the house outside of her bed unfortunately. I don't trust him. And coincidentally, all of this with the girlfriend and her daughter moving in is happening just two days before we're to go out of town for days - which he has known for weeks.

So with that, now he wants to not only stay here, but also bring in a girlfriend to live here with him, and his girlfriend's daughter. His girlfriend's mother will let her and her daughter stay with her where it's safe, but she just wants to be around my mother's son as if she's stuck to him like velcro. It's a shame that she wants to bring her daughter here also, and the two of them are going to sleep together in a twin-sized bed in a bedroom, while making the little girl sleep alone in our living room on a couch in a strangers' apartment. What kind of **** is that? My mother's son's excuse for them moving in here with us is that the "baby daddy" was "accidentally released" from jail after just being put in this weekend, and she's afraid for her life. Instead of moving in with her mother where it's safe, she wants to bring that drama into our home now, and my mother is going to allow it without a word, even though she's on the phone telling her friends about her nerves being shaky and how she's worried and wishes she lived somewhere else so her son wouldn't move in and she wouldn't have to go through this, etc etc etc.

This whole situation is really negative and dysfunctional and so ghetto, and it's just not what I want to be around. I also caught my mother lying to me about her son having gone into my bedroom to look at a bus schedule, and lying to me about him getting ready to move in a whole other family.

I'm already someone who has been this man's victim my entire childhood and naturally have strong reservations about him moving in with my mother and I, I don't trust him one bit because he's still exhibiting some of those same traits he had back then, lying and trying to be manipulative with my mother so he can get his way (knowing she will never tell him 'no'), and drinking. I'm trying to ignore this stuff until I find work and enough money to leave, but it's very difficult to live with someone you know is a thief and a liar, who victimized you your whole life, and be forced to share living space with them.

I'm feeling like I should just move into a homeless shelter at this point and let my mother and her son and all their drama just fester without me being burdened with all this. I want to go to my cousin's wedding and be able to leave the house for weekends, but with all these strangers walking around, I don't feel like I can have peace of mind, knowing how these people lie and steal. I just don't feel like any of this is fair to me since I live here, too, and being treated as if how I feel about living with strangers doesn't matter at all. No one even asked or told me that these people were moving in; I had to find out by eavesdropping on a conversation.

I feel bad for the woman and her daughter in their situation, but I would never burden another family by moving my family in with them when I have safe shelter at my own family's home, just to stay with a boyfriend. It doesn't seem right to me nor for her daughter.

I really don't even know what to do with myself in this situation other than leave my mother's apartment and go to a homeless shelter because I have nowhere else to go and surrounded by too much extra drama that isn't mine to carry. She seems to love her son far more than me anyway as he could get away with committing murder and she wouldn't mumble a word about it.

Does this seem right to anyone or am I just overreacting to harmless charitable acts?

Last edited by Yiuppy; 04-07-2014 at 03:49 PM..
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Old 04-07-2014, 04:02 PM
 
13,006 posts, read 6,219,411 times
Reputation: 10822
I assume that the lease on the apartment is in your mother's name? If so, then you don't have the authority to kick out your half brother, his girlfriend and her child.

Since your mother doesn't have what it takes to just say "no" to the whole situation, then your only choices are, as you said to 1) move into a shelter (which is far from ideal) or; 2) See if there is a friend or relative that will take you in. Since you currently are unemployed, you can offer to help out and do things such as clean their place, cook some meals and do errands for them. That way, you won't be freeloading. Make sure that once you have a job, you contribute to the rent and other living expenses. There must be a friend or family member that you can turn to?

It's sad that you have to watch your mother get taken advantage of and perhaps now have her life in danger due to the girlfriend's baby daddy. However, from what you've written, she is of sound mind so there is nothing that you can do.
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Old 04-07-2014, 05:14 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
2,386 posts, read 2,992,380 times
Reputation: 2838
Both my and her name are on the lease and any income I get will be 30% taken out towards rent. His name is not on the lease and he isn't even legally supposed to be here because he is a felon and on parole.
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Old 04-07-2014, 05:37 PM
 
Location: Sunny Bay Area, CA
1,566 posts, read 1,781,290 times
Reputation: 3250
Yikes. I'm very sorry for you and this situation. Sounds like a nightmare. Not sure what advice I have...but he shouldn't be there because he's not on the lease. Period. Your mother shouldn't even entertain the idea, let alone adding even more people. My heart really goes out to the poor little girl too.

I don't know how it works, but what happens when the apt. mgmt. find out there are three people living at the apartment that aren't on the lease?
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Old 04-07-2014, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
2,386 posts, read 2,992,380 times
Reputation: 2838
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldyViolet View Post
Yikes. I'm very sorry for you and this situation. Sounds like a nightmare. Not sure what advice I have...but he shouldn't be there because he's not on the lease. Period. Your mother shouldn't even entertain the idea, let alone adding even more people. My heart really goes out to the poor little girl too.

I don't know how it works, but what happens when the apt. mgmt. find out there are three people living at the apartment that aren't on the lease?
We get evicted. We being my mother and I. My mother's son will have lots of places to go - his girlfriend's family's house, and plenty of friends. My mother and I will be homeless, especially me because my mother may get a pass on being elderly and disabled, and I will be the one legally responsible as an adult aware of the terms of the lease. I don't like seeming selfish, but it's just painfully obvious how this is going to ruin MY life and no one else will be affected. I'm the one with the most risk here and my mother just has all these things happening without telling me about them and no one even asking me how this feels for me.

I guess no one cares about my opinion because rent money isn't coming out of my pocket. Money means respect to these people, not family.
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Old 04-07-2014, 08:35 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,005 posts, read 17,320,800 times
Reputation: 41259
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yiuppy View Post
Both my and her name are on the lease and any income I get will be 30% taken out towards rent. His name is not on the lease and he isn't even legally supposed to be here because he is a felon and on parole.
What if he parole officer "accidently" found out that he moved into a place where he is not on the lease and is not allowed to live because he is a felon?

How would that get you and your mother kicked out?
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Old 04-07-2014, 08:42 PM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,527,370 times
Reputation: 37896
I think it is time for your mother to move into an assisted living facility. You will get some good advice over at the Caregiving forum.
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Old 04-07-2014, 08:45 PM
 
13,006 posts, read 6,219,411 times
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Get in touch with DC's Elder Abuse agency. Explain the situation. Be sure to tell them that your half brother's girlfriend is also moving in and that her baby daddy has threatened her---this puts your mother at risk.
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Old 04-07-2014, 09:12 PM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,604,538 times
Reputation: 22283
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yiuppy View Post
We get evicted. We being my mother and I. My mother's son will have lots of places to go - his girlfriend's family's house, and plenty of friends. My mother and I will be homeless, especially me because my mother may get a pass on being elderly and disabled, and I will be the one legally responsible as an adult aware of the terms of the lease. I don't like seeming selfish, but it's just painfully obvious how this is going to ruin MY life and no one else will be affected. I'm the one with the most risk here and my mother just has all these things happening without telling me about them and no one even asking me how this feels for me.

I guess no one cares about my opinion because rent money isn't coming out of my pocket. Money means respect to these people, not family.
Can you talk to your landlord about this situation, that your mother is elderly and unable to say no, and that you would say no but no one is going to listen?

Maybe the landlord could make it clear they cannot stay.
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Old 04-07-2014, 10:33 PM
 
2,575 posts, read 4,687,379 times
Reputation: 6378
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Can you talk to your landlord about this situation, that your mother is elderly and unable to say no, and that you would say no but no one is going to listen?

Maybe the landlord could make it clear they cannot stay.
This was going to be my suggestion. Your lease may limit the number of people who can stay in the apartment. If so, let the landlord or management company be "the bad guy."

Also, if the girlfriend has been threatened and is afraid of her child's father, why hasn't she gotten a restraining order? I personally wouldn't allow her in your mother's and your place without one - that is, if she has to move in at all.
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