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Old 04-07-2014, 08:59 PM
 
Location: Weehawken, NJ
149 posts, read 167,165 times
Reputation: 151

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I'm not sure if I'm in the correct area but I need some advice on approaching something that has happened in my life and has affected different aspects of my relationship.

My fiancé and I have two children and are planning on purchasing our first home soon. About a year ago my fiancé received a phone call from her sister-in-law saying she could no longer live with her mother in law and she needed to stay with us until she figured out what she was going to do. At first I did not want this to happen but I had to be understanding regarding the delicate issue. Initially her stay was only meant for a month, however we are now coming up to the one year mark. Space is a HUGE issue since we have a two bedroom apartment for 3 adults and 2 children.

We have begun looking for homes and my fiancé now wants to make her stay permanent because her mother has "no where else to go". Keep in mind her mother has 5 children which have the space to dorm her but no one wants to take her in.

Also another point her mother has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder; as long as she is on her medication it I not much of an issue. This makes me feel uneasy due to the fact that I have the children around. There was an issue where she got off her meds which caused her to be kicked out from where she was living.

If anyone has ever experienced anything REMOTELY similar, what are you suggestions to talking to my fiancé regarding having her find elsewhere to live? I have brought it up twice and each time it turns into a really bad argument so I have been avoiding it.

Any suggestions would be great!
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Old 04-07-2014, 09:09 PM
Status: "could've~would've~should've used 'have', not 'of'" (set 5 hours ago)
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,399 posts, read 14,242,376 times
Reputation: 22923
Have you thought about the possibility of a duplex, or a house with an in-law suite with a separate entrance? My children and I have tentatively discussed that option in the event that I'm not capable of living entirely on my own as I get older.
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Old 04-07-2014, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,002 posts, read 21,660,762 times
Reputation: 22120
I don't have advice but feel for you. My sister and I both do not get along with my mother, if she should have to move in with one of us, it will probably be me. I think my husband would go crazy.
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Old 04-07-2014, 09:46 PM
 
Location: Weehawken, NJ
149 posts, read 167,165 times
Reputation: 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Have you thought about the possibility of a duplex, or a house with an in-law suite with a separate entrance? My children and I have tentatively discussed that option in the event that I'm not capable of living entirely on my own as I get older.
Yea that has been an option on my mind, maybe getting a home with a finished basement that has a separate entrance.

The biggest issue is our budget and the area were looking to move might not give us this possibility. All the homes we have seen on the realty sites are 3-4 bedrooms without basements.
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Old 04-07-2014, 09:54 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,929 posts, read 17,228,282 times
Reputation: 40915
My brother and his wife agreed with his wife's sister and her husband that their mother (my brother's MIL) would live 6 months with one daughter and then six months with the other daughter. My brother had a small house, several children and no extra bedroom. The other family had a huge house with two extra guest bedrooms.

Six months went by and they called to make arrangements for Mom to move to the other daughter's house. The sister said, "Not right now, we are taking a month long vacation. She can come next fall".
Next fall came and the sister said "This isn't a good time a Sonny will be starting college soon" and on and on, excuse after excuse.

After 2 1/2 years, my brother and his wife finally drove MIL/Mom to the other daughters home for her six month turn. Guess what? After a few days, that daughter said that Mom was driving her crazy and sent her back (just drove her to the airport and put her on a plane).

End result? 2 1/2 years at one house and 10 days at the second house and then 1 more year at the first house.

My point? Mom was at your house for one year already INSIST that she spend time at another daughter's house for a period of time or she may live with you until she dies. How can your wife justify having 3 adults and 2 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment. There are four other sisters where Mom could go.

OP, tell your wife that she needs to "share Mom's love" with her sisters instead of being a selfish and keeping Mom's love and affection just for herself. (say it with a straight face). Also, point out how your children are growing up and need more space and privacy and need time alone bonding with you and your wife.

Good luck to you.

Last edited by germaine2626; 04-07-2014 at 10:03 PM..
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Old 04-07-2014, 10:31 PM
 
Location: CO/UT/AZ/NM Catch me if you can!
4,694 posts, read 4,338,055 times
Reputation: 10278
OP, does your MIL need someone to keep an eye on her? Is she healthy? Do her finances force her to live with her children because otherwise she couldn't afford a decent place to stay? Was she living alone when she went off her bi-polar meds and if so, for how long was she on her own? It's hard to comment without knowing the answers to these things.

Right now you aren't even married to your finance' and you're already having reservations. It's going to be even more difficult if you go ahead and get married to her and then start feeling REALLY trapped. I'd suggest you sit down with your fiance' and as diplomatically as possible share your concerns. Your fiance' should not force you to take on a woman who even her own children don't want to share their homes with.
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Old 04-08-2014, 05:05 AM
 
Location: Weehawken, NJ
149 posts, read 167,165 times
Reputation: 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
OP, does your MIL need someone to keep an eye on her? Is she healthy? Do her finances force her to live with her children because otherwise she couldn't afford a decent place to stay? Was she living alone when she went off her bi-polar meds and if so, for how long was she on her own? It's hard to comment without knowing the answers to these things.
You are right, so for the sake of fairness let's answer your questions.

MIL used to run a successful daycare center in MA,'after her diagnosis she lost her license and has since been unemployed. She was been very careless with her income which is why she cannot afford to live on her own. This is the main reason why she can't live alone; she simply cannot afford it on her SS Disability checks.

When she went off her medication she was living with her daughter and her 3 children. I don't know the facts of what happened when she got off but it was something serious which caused her to be kicked out. Since then she has been living with me.

There was also another event when she went off her meds which she says "God spoke to her" and told her she needed to fly back to her country to help kids. She basically emptied her checking account and used a credit card to buy a flight. Once she arrived to the Dominican Republic she called my fiancé crying saying she didn't know where she was and she has no way of getting back.

Guess who had to fund her return flight?
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Old 04-08-2014, 05:16 AM
 
525 posts, read 506,249 times
Reputation: 493
What advice would you give to another person who has told you the very same story you just told us? There is no doubt that you are a wonderful and caring person for acting as you did. That is a very nice thing to be if it has not, as you have stated, changed things for you so that you are now asking for our input.
Generosity, such as you have shown, comes in many forms. One way of being generous to a person is to encourage them (in any way possible) to become all they can be. Enabling them to live an aimless life and freeload, is not doing this woman any good. If she was able to think clearly she surely would not want to be such a burden to her loving children. In that case, what she really needs is a facility that can cater to her needs so that she may reach her full potential. Find such a place and allow her to peacefully and happily (for you) enter it.
Complaining will do you no good. No one in your family wants to listen to you and every moment that passes brings you closer to a time where you will surely look back and realize how much precious time has been wasted of what could have been a very happy life for you and your household.
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:03 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,929 posts, read 17,228,282 times
Reputation: 40915
Sometimes there are situations where an adult needs to choose between their parent and their fiancée (or possibly fiancée & her children). This may be one of those situations.

I am not saying that you have to make your wife choose but it is something that you may need to consider in the future. Perhaps even bringing up the possibility of you leaving may encourage your wife to consider possible alternative living situations for her mother (another sister, a group home, an independent living facility). It sounds like your future MIL is fairly young (?50). Could you imagine her living with you, your fiancee and your growing children for the next 40 years?

Discuss this honestly with your fiancée. You may have to have a family meeting with all of the siblings.

Last edited by germaine2626; 04-08-2014 at 06:17 AM..
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:06 AM
 
525 posts, read 506,249 times
Reputation: 493
In that case, better to find out now, before too much damage has been done...
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