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Old 04-10-2014, 10:02 PM
 
7,385 posts, read 13,240,802 times
Reputation: 8997

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post

And you can shut it. I was putting that in there so people could understand. I do go to therapy so the only lame excuse here is you. I am not trying to make anyone "look bad". If she looks bad, then that's her. I told the situation EXACTLY how it happened. Yeah she is serious, maybe both of you need to lighten up.
It's lame because you seem you think it's supposed to somewhat excuse your behavior.

If we were to make a judgment about her views, you do realize that it still reflects badly off of you? If such views were offensive, then why was it not enough for you to disassociate and have nothing to do with her? No, your bringing up her views about the Gov't/disabled people and money was intended to make her look bad... and had nothing to do with the event/situation between you and the girl. Seriously, you've done her a favor by revealing yourself, just as she has. Accept that you're just as culpable and very wrong.
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Old 04-10-2014, 10:40 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,899 posts, read 14,397,959 times
Reputation: 30791
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post
OK, so this may offend some people, but keep in mind that there is a back history involved.

With that being said, I am in college right now and I am going for my grad degree. I have been seeing a therapist over past family issues which include family violence and the fact that my mom abused me during childhood, mostly physically and some emotionally. This is a disclaimer.

Well, anyways, I always kind of tease this girl in one of my classes. Shes pretty I will admit, but she has someone so I just tease her and I think that sometimes she needs to lighten up and what not because she always seems serious. Well I saw her yesterday and I told her jokingly that I had to tease her more today since I didn't see her a few days ago in another class. We kind of joked around and then I was talking to another girl and I made the off hand comment, "yeah, I couldn't talk to her, because I would get slapped" (laugh). This girl, the first one, says, "And what makes you think that I won't slap you" Woah, I grew up in a house full of domestic violence and I have been in a violent relationship. I was JOKING and I look over at her to see if she was and nope. No smile, no nothing. So of course I got mad about it for a sec and said well you are female and you know your place.

After that, she refused to talk to me! I thought she was playing around at first, but she kept saying, nope, not going to talk to you. I finally gave up and I was like yep, you were a negative person when I first met you and nothing has changed. She also told me once that she wanted to take away money given to disability persons by the government! Geez...So my question is, am i wrong for what I said? I mean, I just reacted and didnt even think and I pretty sure my background and seeing the therapist (who I had seen that day) had something to do with it. Also I am taking my comprehensive exams and I did tell her that I was really stressed out and not to pay me any mind. I told her this before all this even happened.
You say you come from a background of physical abuse, and you jokingly threaten to slap a girl? Come on, where is your self awareness? Why would you even think of saying that?
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Old 04-10-2014, 10:43 PM
 
45 posts, read 114,346 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
So you come here asking if you were wrong and get nasty when we tell you yes? You thought you were going to get some kind of validation? Might I suggest you run both your initial conversation with the girl AND this little foray past your therapist, to gain a little more insight?
I don't mind if I am wrong, I automatically assumed that I was, but having someone saying that my disclamer was lame, well that's rude and insensitive considering that I am in therapy. If that kind of action is considered "good" then I don't see how what I would have done is wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I was a little confused by your first post----something about teasing her and wanting her to "lighten up" and "women should know their place".

Have you ever considered that she may have a reason for not smiling?

I'll always remember the time when I was filling my car with gas and someone started telling me to smile because it would make the gas station "look prettier" and a bunch of stuff like that. I happened to have just left the funeral home after making arrangements for my mother's funeral and I was not in the mood to "smile to make a gas station look prettier". It was my right to have privacy and not be bothered by some jerk who did not like that I wasn't laughing & smiling.

By the way, many people feel that any type of teasing is inappropriate and cruel.
I was trying to get her to open up a bit. We have new classmates, everyone has already known each other and we are working together. I was just trying to help. However, if she doesn't want to be part of the group, then she can have fun working alone. I tease people because I like them, not the other way around I would think that someone that would think it's cruel would be hypersensitive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Not to beat a dead horse, but...Attacking folks.....that you invited to critique your scenario, and express that criticism in response to your topic.....Lots of hostility is looking like your normal MO when dealing with folks who do not agree with you. The common denominator being you... Maybe this hostility warrants some exploration. Just saying... Peace out.
Look at what I put above. If you think that me putting the fact that I go to therapy is rude, how am i supposed to act.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post
It's lame because you seem you think it's supposed to somewhat excuse your behavior.

If we were to make a judgment about her views, you do realize that it still reflects badly off of you? If such views were offensive, then why was it not enough for you to disassociate and have nothing to do with her? No, your bringing up her views about the Gov't/disabled people and money was intended to make her look bad... and had nothing to do with the event/situation between you and the girl. Seriously, you've done her a favor by revealing yourself, just as she has. Accept that you're just as culpable and very wrong.
Really? OMG, hold on a sec...wait ... yep I never said that. I never said it excused my behavior, but it does create context because i know that someone is going to ask why did i say that so there is the answer. I am only brining up what she said. It's the truth. She said it. I was hoping to showcase her personality as this is not the first time that she has been snarky with me. I can accept that I am just as wrong.
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Old 04-10-2014, 11:14 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
9,221 posts, read 8,313,712 times
Reputation: 20028
No offense but you are both nuts and pushed each other's buttons.

Move on.
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Old 04-10-2014, 11:22 PM
Status: "could've~would've~should've used 'have', not 'of'" (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,507 posts, read 14,335,765 times
Reputation: 23361
Alrighty, you have misunderstood about half of what has been said to you here by various posters. You have shown that you are defensive and oversensitive and quick to blame others. I'm guessing you don't read other people very well.
In all seriousness you probably should bring this incident up to your therapist. Flying off at the handle and trying to justify it because you are in therapy isn't really a great response to the whole situation.
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Old 04-10-2014, 11:28 PM
 
35,108 posts, read 40,267,404 times
Reputation: 62061
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post
Passive aggressive? No, no. I was just trying to put a smile on her face because she always come to class looking like she just sucked on a bowl of lemons, but maybe you are right. I shouldn't care. Screw her feelings and what she thinks. I guess I care too much about others.



And you can shut it. I was putting that in there so people could understand. I do go to therapy so the only lame excuse here is you. I am not trying to make anyone "look bad". If she looks bad, then that's her. I told the situation EXACTLY how it happened. Yeah she is serious, maybe both of you need to lighten up.
I don't see where you get the idea that she was physically attacking, emotionally attacking or was even thinking that way.

By the way, quit using the childhood abuse as a crutch, many many people have gone through that and don't allow it to continue to control their lives as they grow into adulthood. Some had it better than you and some had it worse but the fact remains it is your choice to feel attacked and continue to use it as a crutch.

Now before you tell me to "shut it" know that I personally know how all of the abuse you described and much more abuse goes so I do actually have life experience when it comes to this issue.
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Old 04-10-2014, 11:45 PM
 
45 posts, read 114,346 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
You say you come from a background of physical abuse, and you jokingly threaten to slap a girl? Come on, where is your self awareness? Why would you even think of saying that?
Omg, lol. I had to laugh at this. Man, seriously? I have an excuse..i don't think you do though as to reading my post. I NEVER SAID I WAS GOING TO SLAP ANYONE. I made a JOKE, that I couldn't play around with someone as they would probably slap me and the other girl said, "and what makes you think that I wont?" You need to go back and REREAD my post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueherons View Post
No offense but you are both nuts and pushed each other's buttons.

Move on.
I can deal with that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Alrighty, you have misunderstood about half of what has been said to you here by various posters. You have shown that you are defensive and oversensitive and quick to blame others. I'm guessing you don't read other people very well.
In all seriousness you probably should bring this incident up to your therapist. Flying off at the handle and trying to justify it because you are in therapy isn't really a great response to the whole situation.
Well I am highly stressed out and studying for comprehensive exams so...and considering what I have read, some posters have read what I put and have given me appropriate feedback (which i am thankful for) and others have attacked and gained up on me and then wonder why I get defensive..hmm I wonder why... Oh, I am actually head of you dubble, I will see her tomorrow and it will be the first thing out of my mouth. I am not trying to justify anything, again just giving some background info because SOMEONE is going to ask, why did i say that or what not and considering the fact that I was abused for years and now trying to get over it, it puts some things into perspective.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
I don't see where you get the idea that she was physically attacking, emotionally attacking or was even thinking that way.

By the way, quit using the childhood abuse as a crutch, many many people have gone through that and don't allow it to continue to control their lives as they grow into adulthood. Some had it better than you and some had it worse but the fact remains it is your choice to feel attacked and continue to use it as a crutch.

Now before you tell me to "shut it" know that I personally know how all of the abuse you described and much more abuse goes so I do actually have life experience when it comes to this issue.
OMG, and we got another one! You need to REREAD my post as well. Nobody physically attacked me, she asked me a question that I found offensive. I gave her an answer which I am pretty sure she found equally as offensive. End of story.

Quit using my childhood as a crutch? Umm, what qualifications do you have? Are you a licensed therapist or some guy that just has no clue? Oh so you have life experience that's right...so I guess somebody told you to just quit using it as a crutch or not bring it up and you think that is the right answer. Well it's not. Telling me that is like telling someone that was molested as a child to just get over it.

And I had to work really hard in my classes this year, now that I think about it. I told her I got a 100 on one paper in the hardest class we all have this semester and she rolled her eyes. I wasn't bragging as someone asked me what I made. They encouraged me and told me that I did good which made me feel good, but that eye rolling...yeah the more I think about this, the more I feel like maybe she deserved it. And just like the previous situation, I didn't say anything to her about it.
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:07 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,334,529 times
Reputation: 1871
Darkknight01, yes, you were wrong. You've already been told that.

The problem, though, is you want people (us, your audience here) to take into consideration YOUR background and frame of mind when you made these comments to a classmate, right? Well, doesn't she deserve the same consideration? I mean, how do you know that she wasn't abused and your "joke" bothered her? Or, how do you know what she was *thinking* when she made her comments to you? The reality is you only know your own background, frame of mind and intent in what you said. She does not.

What are you studying for in Graduate school? Almost all positions require some understanding of human interaction. It would be to your benefit to try to give people the same courtesy and understanding that you would like from others. It not only feels better, internally, it helps to build better relationships.

All the best to you.
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:34 AM
 
45 posts, read 114,346 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd07 View Post
Darkknight01, yes, you were wrong. You've already been told that.

The problem, though, is you want people (us, your audience here) to take into consideration YOUR background and frame of mind when you made these comments to a classmate, right? Well, doesn't she deserve the same consideration? I mean, how do you know that she wasn't abused and your "joke" bothered her? Or, how do you know what she was *thinking* when she made her comments to you? The reality is you only know your own background, frame of mind and intent in what you said. She does not.

What are you studying for in Graduate school? Almost all positions require some understanding of human interaction. It would be to your benefit to try to give people the same courtesy and understanding that you would like from others. It not only feels better, internally, it helps to build better relationships.

All the best to you.
Probably the best post here, thanks. I will work on that.
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:46 AM
Status: "could've~would've~should've used 'have', not 'of'" (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,507 posts, read 14,335,765 times
Reputation: 23361
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post
.so I guess somebody told you to just quit using it as a crutch or not bring it up and you think that is the right answer. Well it's not. Telling me that is like telling someone that was molested as a child to just get over it.
Well, to a certain extent it's the only answer that works. Not that people should be expected to get over something like that, one, two, three. But you can't hang onto it and use it forever either. At some point you need to move past it, whether you are 'over' it or not. Sorry, but I'm dealing with someone who can't let go, and it's a thing that can really hold you back in sooooo many ways. The more you tell yourself 'it's because of that horrible thing in my life' the harder it will be to get beyond that.
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