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Old 04-11-2014, 01:52 AM
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,334,529 times
Reputation: 1871


Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post
Probably the best post here, thanks. I will work on that.
You're welcome.

By the way, we don't "get over" our abusive past. We "get through" to healing. Here are some books I've found helpful in my own journey.

-- Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your LifePaperback by Susan Forward

-- If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth

-- Why You Act the Way You Do by Tim LaHaye

-- Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself by Florence Littauer

-- The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life by Les Carter

All the best to you.
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Old 04-11-2014, 08:51 AM
5,917 posts, read 6,723,049 times
Reputation: 15260
Ummm....seventh grade is NOT grad school.
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Old 04-11-2014, 09:14 AM
1,203 posts, read 805,118 times
Reputation: 4311
Kudos to you for seeking help. I was often the person getting teased alot and sometimes it stopped being funny to getting old. Yes you were joking to this girl but maybe she had/has something going on in her life you know nothing about and teasing her about getting slapped may have triggered something.

For all you know her father may have hit her mother/her and she did not find that funny.
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Old 04-11-2014, 09:36 AM
1,536 posts, read 1,442,365 times
Reputation: 11204
Just wondering why you feel compelled to control the demeanor of your classmate. Do you think your "teasing", which really amounts to harassment, is pleasant for her? How do you think it makes her feel? Do you give any thought to her at all? I think she had probably just had enough of your harassment.
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Old 04-11-2014, 09:36 AM
Location: The Carolinas
2,007 posts, read 2,020,158 times
Reputation: 6104
DarkKnight, you are HOW OLD? Your original post makes you truly sound like a 12-year-old.
You need to grow up. You can't act the way you acted with other grown-ups. Until you know someone MUCH better than you know this girl, you need to keep it MUCH lighter. Hi! How are you? Missed you the other day in class. Do you need notes from the other day?

The way you're headed it seems, you're going to be that sociopathic ****-stain manager that will spawn hundreds of posts here on CD in a couple of years. Step off and re-evaluate.
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Old 04-11-2014, 09:40 AM
Location: Canada
9,077 posts, read 8,351,665 times
Reputation: 19454
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post
Passive aggressive? No, no. I was just trying to put a smile on her face because she always come to class looking like she just sucked on a bowl of lemons, but maybe you are right. I shouldn't care. Screw her feelings and what she thinks. I guess I care too much about others.
Teasing people and telling them to lighten up isn't caring about someone. She doesn't need someone telling her how to wear her face and to change her demeanor to suit them. At any given point we have no idea what is going on in other people's lives to think we have a right to tell them how they should be, that would suit us better.
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Old 04-11-2014, 09:47 AM
15,254 posts, read 16,839,861 times
Reputation: 25432
OP, I don't think you're using your past as a crutch and appreciate the context. Someone who has been physically abused is likely to react differently to "jokes" about hitting and slapping than someone who has not. Still, your remark about "knowing your place" was completely inappropriate. I think you understand that now.

If you want a friendship with this woman, it's not too late to apologize. A simple, "I'm sorry for what I said the other day. It was stupid and I don't even know why I said it" will do. Don't expect anything from her in return, but know you did the right thing.

Finally, here is a long thread about attempts to make women smile, or lighten up. There were different opinions expressed here, but for the most part, women don't like to be told that.
What's the deal with guys always wanting women to smile?

It's not your job to cheer anyone up and you may be aggravating these women by doing so. Just stick to being polite and kind.

Congratulations on going to therapy and good luck with your comprehensive exams.
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Old 04-11-2014, 10:34 AM
7,385 posts, read 13,240,802 times
Reputation: 8997
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post
Really? OMG, hold on a sec...wait ... yep I never said that. I never said it excused my behavior, but it does create context because i know that someone is going to ask why did i say that so there is the answer. I am only brining up what she said. It's the truth. She said it. I was hoping to showcase her personality as this is not the first time that she has been snarky with me. I can accept that I am just as wrong.
Honestly... Your "context" isn't your abusive past; it's that you got mad and made an inappropriate retort in response. If your context of the abusive past was the deal, then this comment should've made sense to you:

Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
I don't see where you get the idea that she was physically attacking, emotionally attacking or was even thinking that way.
Again, that's if the abusive past context is at play here. Your response about the situation to that poster makes it clear it's not even a factor. You got mad because not only did your comment fell flat, but it appears that she was using that opportunity to express her annoyance at you. Perhaps you realize then as well that she doesn't like you.

I know you're show-casing her personality, but it just reeks of you saying that you're a victim with a sad past and she's this big meany (who would take money from those disabled people *gasp* ) I have not even disputed your honesty or contend that the girl could not say such thing ... I'm pointing out about how you're framing it.
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Old 04-11-2014, 11:25 AM
1,640 posts, read 3,296,347 times
Reputation: 3479
A lot of people don't like to be teased and find it offensive or hurtful. I have a friend who is big on the "dry humor" and end ups coming off like a real a-hole because of it. If you find yourself offending people on a regular basis, the problem is YOU, not them.
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Old 04-11-2014, 11:26 AM
1,640 posts, read 3,296,347 times
Reputation: 3479
Also, when people grow up in abusive families (especially verbally abusive families) I think it's sometimes hard to gauge what is appropriate vs. inappropriate. My mom wouldn't have thought twice about telling me my clothing choices were ugly, but do that to a friend or coworker, and you'll end up in hot water.
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