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Old 04-12-2014, 09:06 AM
 
28,906 posts, read 46,587,988 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd07 View Post
He's already admitted that he was wrong. He's already said that he is trying to improve his behavior. Doesn't a person deserve an opportunity to prove their words by improving themselves? Or should everyone just be tarred and feather for making a mistake?
I disagree. The OP didn't say, "I am wrong." He asked the question, "Am I wrong?" Big difference between the two. In fact, he added two other comments such as "Screw her" if she was offended by his remarks and "If anyone's wrong it's her."

In other words it was, at best, a half-hearted admission of partial responsibility. He was essentially saying, "I might have been wrong, but...." That is not an admission of wrongdoing on any level I know of.
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:25 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,323,322 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
I disagree. The OP didn't say, "I am wrong." He asked the question, "Am I wrong?" Big difference between the two. In fact, he added two other comments such as "Screw her" if she was offended by his remarks and "If anyone's wrong it's her."

In other words it was, at best, a half-hearted admission of partial responsibility. He was essentially saying, "I might have been wrong, but...." That is not an admission of wrongdoing on any level I know of.
That is correct relative to his first post. After that, he has written all of the following...

I am not saying that I am right by any means

I don't mind if I am wrong

I gave her an answer which I am pretty sure she found equally as offensive.

I will work on that.


All I'm suggesting is that he has acknowledged that his response was not okay, is in counseling and said he would talk to her when he saw her in class again.

Shouldn't a person be given an opportunity to learn and grow without being bashed over the head for the same offense?
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:37 AM
 
28,906 posts, read 46,587,988 times
Reputation: 45995
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd07 View Post
That is correct relative to his first post. After that, he has written all of the following...

I am not saying that I am right by any means

I don't mind if I am wrong

I gave her an answer which I am pretty sure she found equally as offensive.

I will work on that.


All I'm suggesting is that he has acknowledged that his response was not okay, is in counseling and said he would talk to her when he saw her in class again.

Shouldn't a person be given an opportunity to learn and grow without being bashed over the head for the same offense?
Well, that's a good point and it speaks to the limitation of threads such as these. Because I really don't want to plow through umpteen pages of back and forth. I read the first few responses on his part and found a lot of self-justification and rationalization.
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:42 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,323,322 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Well, that's a good point and it speaks to the limitation of threads such as these. Because I really don't want to plow through umpteen pages of back and forth. I read the first few responses on his part and found a lot of self-justification and rationalization.
That's understandable. I only know that he's acknowledged his shortcomings and promised to make amends because I read it all. That's why I was asking for some compassion for him. It would be different if he had held steadfast to the bad behavior and rationalizations. He didn't though.
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:46 AM
 
Location: St. George, Utah
756 posts, read 878,236 times
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For whatever reason, she is not interested in your "banter" with her, much less a friendship. It might be about you, and it might not. You like some people and not others, and we can't expect everyone to like us.

That said, regardless of her behavior, you behaved like a jerk at least on that occasion. Take responsibility, apologize briefly but without reservation, do not expect anything in return.

It sounds like you might still be learning the finer points of identifying boundaries, so in the future it might be best to err on the side of caution by keeping things a bit less personal, rather than alienating someone from the get-go.

If we're smart and approaching emotional health and maturity, we take responsibility for our missteps so that we can learn from them and move on to being a better person. What the other person said/did or was motivated by is not the point.

Last, I'd say don't overthink and overanalyze every interaction you have with others. Some are good, some go terribly wrong. For all of us. That you are in grad school tells me you must be very functional in many areas of life. If personal interactions are your weak point, you can work on that but don't obsess about it!

Live and learn.
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:51 AM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,462,523 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post
OK, so this may offend some people, but keep in mind that there is a back history involved.

With that being said, I am in college right now and I am going for my grad degree. I have been seeing a therapist over past family issues which include family violence and the fact that my mom abused me during childhood, mostly physically and some emotionally. This is a disclaimer.

....

So of course I got mad about it for a sec and said well you are female and you know your place.


...

So my question is, am i wrong for what I said? I mean, I just reacted and didnt even think and I pretty sure my background and seeing the therapist (who I had seen that day) had something to do with it. Also I am taking my comprehensive exams and I did tell her that I was really stressed out and not to pay me any mind. I told her this before all this even happened.
Yes, you were wrong. In fact, your background is what damns you above all else. You claim to have been emotionally abused and in therapy for it.

Yet you turn around and tease someone else, and get particularly nasty about it when she doesn't appreciate it.

Perhaps you should ask your therapist what is wrong with teasing, as it can be considered a form of hostility, particularly when it is relentless in the way you have apparently delivered it to this woman. From where I sit, you appear to have deliberately chosen someone you felt would tolerate your barbs over someone else whom you knew would not. That means you selected a victim.

It is well-known that people who were abused as children grow up to be abusers. You need to look at your own behavior and see where that cycle might be continuing with you.
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:55 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,323,322 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
It is well-known that people who were abused as children grow up to be abusers. You need to look at your own behavior and see where that cycle might be continuing with you.
SOME abused children grow up to become abusers. Many do not. According to CPS, most abused children grow up to be more lenient toward their own children which leads to other complications in maturing to adulthood.
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:05 AM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,462,523 times
Reputation: 28900
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd07 View Post
SOME abused children grow up to become abusers. Many do not. According to CPS, most abused children grow up to be more lenient toward their own children which leads to other complications in maturing to adulthood.
Sure, many do not. I should have said, "are at high risk for becoming abusers." The fact remains that a third of them do. They are also much more likely to engage in criminal activity, develop substance abuse problems, and engage in sexual risk-taking.

National Child Abuse Statistics | Childhelp

Regardless, the point is that I see it in the OP.
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:08 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,323,322 times
Reputation: 1871
Hopefully, the feedback to his question, an ongoing relationship with his therapist AND his willingness to improve himself will help make him one of the statistics that does NOT become an abuser.
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:10 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,379 posts, read 14,221,785 times
Reputation: 22854
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd07 View Post
That's understandable. I only know that he's acknowledged his shortcomings and promised to make amends because I read it all. That's why I was asking for some compassion for him. It would be different if he had held steadfast to the bad behavior and rationalizations. He didn't though.
No, but he does continue to lash out at people who do criticize him. Not liking their replies, understandable, but his immature, mean tempered responses, not a good sign IMO. He has a long road ahead of him.
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