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Old 04-12-2014, 10:22 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,331,169 times
Reputation: 1871

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Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
No, but he does continue to lash out at people who do criticize him. Not liking their replies, understandable, but his immature, mean tempered responses, not a good sign IMO. He has a long road ahead of him.
That's probably true, but isn't it a good START that he has acknowledged his mistake? Some people can't even do that or even consider the idea that they might be wrong.
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:28 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,651 posts, read 36,106,549 times
Reputation: 63181
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post

I have no respect for anybody that wants to assault me and no that is NOT my underlying beliefs about women. Please read the whole message.
Well, I DID read the whole message and you still sound like a mysogynist to me. What does her being FEMALE have to do with whether or not she should slap you or whether or not she "knows her place?" NO ONE should slap anyone - it has nothing to do with being female and knowing one's place.

That was a really, really weird thing to pop out of your mouth, and it's even weirder that you can't see the mysogenistic attitude behind it. I think you need to talk with your therapist about this in detail and get to the bottom of why this flew out of your mouth (hint - it's not because of pressure about exams).

Meanwhile - I don't think it's realistic to expect a deep and meaningful relationship with the girl in question - on any level. You both have some serious issues to work through. What person would want to be involved with someone who threatens them with physical violence? And what woman would want to be involved with a male chauvenist who tells women they should "know their place?"

Wow.
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Old 04-12-2014, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,651 posts, read 36,106,549 times
Reputation: 63181
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post
and you are an idiot. The only thing that i have learned is that i should have posted this somewhere else.
More's the pity.
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Old 04-12-2014, 11:52 AM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,988 posts, read 14,663,588 times
Reputation: 14873
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Well, I DID read the whole message and you still sound like a mysogynist to me. What does her being FEMALE have to do with whether or not she should slap you or whether or not she "knows her place?" NO ONE should slap anyone - it has nothing to do with being female and knowing one's place.

That was a really, really weird thing to pop out of your mouth, and it's even weirder that you can't see the mysogenistic attitude behind it. I think you need to talk with your therapist about this in detail and get to the bottom of why this flew out of your mouth (hint - it's not because of pressure about exams).

Meanwhile - I don't think it's realistic to expect a deep and meaningful relationship with the girl in question - on any level. You both have some serious issues to work through. What person would want to be involved with someone who threatens them with physical violence? And what woman would want to be involved with a male chauvenist who tells women they should "know their place?"

Wow.
Yeah, leaning this way, too.

If the OP cannot get why this is so offensive - try substituting telling a black person that as a black, they should know their place. If the OP still doesn't get it - no forum or therapist on earth will help.
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Old 04-12-2014, 11:40 PM
 
45 posts, read 114,160 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by SmartMoney View Post
OP, I read only your initial post and those on the first page - I did not interpret that you were using your need for therapy as an excuse, but as a means to express yourself that you are highly sensitive to others (from your experiences) and did not detect any hostility or possible hostility before you began your bantering. I also get quirky (dark) humor, bad timing and people just too wrapped up in themselves and over-sensitive. Was your behavior rude - yes, but those that don't care what you think would not have reacted. She's giving you too much power to dictate how she feels. Does it excuse you? No, but when I first read your post (I did read it a couple times), I took it as sarcasm, dark humor, border-line back of the bus insulting type. I think you have experienced a combination of all of this and should just let it go and not engage any further. I also suspect you are a "fixer" because of your unique experiences and that is what is frustrating you, you can't fix it. So, I put this back on you, saying you are giving her too much power to dictate how you feel.

Forget about all this crap, study....and just be the best person you can be each day and move on. Life's hard enough as it is. Lesson learned.
Thanks, at least there are a few people that get it and I really appreciate what you said.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatbar View Post
It sounds like you are annoying to her and always have been. She wants you to go away. All the comments you've described yourself saying come across as pushy and annoying. I would rethink these sorts of underhanded attempts to flirt with women who are already in a relationship. It's clearly not welcomed. I don't see why you would be particularly annoyed by this comment she made as I see it as no more annoying than the things you said.



That sort of thing immediately reveals you consider females lower than males (know your place.) The fact that you said it in anger only made it seem more like the truth instead of the silly false front with the unwanted teasing. Of course everyone in earshot would immediately steer clear.



She didn't really want you around to begin with, but tolerated you. Then you were super rude. So now she won't even indulge you in that. Take it as a lesson learned.
The tone of your post is arrogant and condescending. You make it seem like I should feel priviledged for the simple fact that she was around me. That couldn't be further from the truth. I am one of the people that have been in my program the longest. As such, if I was so annoying, then I wish she would have told me that before she asked me for help or what does this or that professor think and is this work correct etc, because lord knows that I have better things to do with my time than help someone that is just going to use me. It is not responsibility to really help anyone.

And she wants me to go away? haha, that's hilarious, well she better pick up her chair and move becuase she sits by me in 3 of my classes..she can move, I don't really care. As for the flirting thing, I am flirtatious but that is my personality, anyone that doesn't like it either needs to deal with or just not talk to me. End of story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatbar View Post
This. OP, you may not have meant your comments to be inappropriate (the teasing) but it's clear they were unwelcome. And the fact that she was in a relationship, that you described her as "pretty" and then made a project out of teasing her every time you saw her may have come across as very aggressive to her. And unwanted. A friendship should be two sided and both people should engage equally. If you describe her as "never smiling" around you there's probably a reason--your actions are making her unhappy and uncomfortable. It's likely not that she looks like she sucked a bowl of lemons all the time--just when you come around. Your mistake here was not picking up on that and taking the hint--accepting the fact that she already had a boyfriend and you weren't it and then respecting that and leaving her alone.
Just when I come around huh? This is funny because she actually has admitted to me things about her personal life that were bugging her so no it's not just me, nice try though!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
You sound socially feral, not to mention like quite the bully. I wouldn't want anything to do with you either. If you're so sensitive about domestic violence then why the hell would you bring it up?

You owe your classmate an apology, but frankly, I wouldn't blame her if she just shut you out entirely. You're a very unpleasant person, apparently.

As others have mentioned, abuse victims frequently don't understand what's appropriate - that is, in fact, how abuse often is perpetuated through generations. You sound like you have no clue what is appropriate behavior. Concentrate very seriously on your therapy, because once you're out in the real world, behavior like you described here is just going to result in broken relationships and terminated employment. At the moment, no employer would hire you upon hearing this story simply because you're a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.
Ok, first of all, I am the one with the domestic violence, beating from family members baggage. Yeah I made a joke of it, but it was at my expense. when someone makes a comment about HITTING ME, and they look serious, you better believe that I am not going to take that.

No employer would ever hire me huh? I have been working since I was 16 and I have never been fired or written up for inappropriate behavior like you describe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tobiashen View Post
Wow, so much reaction! I'd just say to the OP, maybe she also has past family issues that include violence, and that's why she responded that way. Maybe the word "slap" was a trigger to her.


Oh, to live on an island...
that doesnt make sense, it was a trigger for me apparently, but I dont see how it was one for her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd07 View Post
You can post it here. The problem is some people on this site feel they can bash other people and that happens everywhere. It's easier to do on a keyboard because it gives a sense of anonymity and courage that most people do not have when talking to others, face-to-face.

Think about it this way. Many people are obnoxious and NEVER take the time to ask for feedback. They just go around thinking they're perfect and others are crazy. The fact that you asked generally means that you want input and feedback (and that means you want to grow as a person). I know people in their 60s, 70s and 80s that have not matured a lick in all those years. Don't become one of them. Keep asking. Keep seeking. Keep growing.
I always keep trying man, thanks. I know what I said was wrong, but to get ganged up and bullied here aside from the fact that most people aren't even comprehending what I wrote is pretty ridiculous.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
The first comment, no. It was a joke, although kind of a lame one. You should have simply said, "Oh, I don't think you'd do that. I was just making a dumb joke. Sorry."

The second comment, yes. What were you thinking?

Here's the deal. Some people don't share your sense of humor. Get used to it. What's more, it obviously never occurred to you that perhaps she has also dealt with violence in her past and therefore finds such references not funny in the least. But instead of understanding that, you made a sexist comment. Good luck ever getting back into her good graces.

And I really don't care if you are taking comprehensive exams. If find people who use stress as an excuse for bad behavior have not developed the requisite maturity to be a fully-fledged adult. People who are emotionally mature do not take their bad days out on others.
Of course you don't care, and why should you, you know nothing about them, nor do most people on these boards. You try studying for 5 hours a day every day for two weeks on top of having other stresses on top of you and taking 4 graduate courses at the same time. When you walk a mile in my shoes then you can criticize until then, I don't think so.

what I should have said, is if you do that, I would have you arrested. That would have ended it right there. Live and learn I guess.
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Old 04-12-2014, 11:51 PM
 
45 posts, read 114,160 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Henna View Post
Even mentioning "getting slapped" seems inappropriate to me. I can't really imagine this phrase coming out of the mouth of any of my family members or friends. Slapping isn't appropriate behavior. I have never understood why it's done in the movies and made light of.

Also, telling a woman to smile more or lighten up, or whatever you're trying to tell her to do, is also inappropriate and disrespectful. On the street, men telling women to smile is considered to be a version of street harassment. Please see the current street art project about this exact topic. It's been getting quite a bit of press and you can read about it on CNN 'Stop Telling Women to Smile' art project takes on street harassment - CNN.com and many other news outlets.
Yeah, maybe it is, but we have group projects that we have to do and I have to see this person and be around them for 9 hours a week, thats 36 hours a month. Would you want to be around someone that was in a bad mood all the time? I sure as heck dont. I even saw her graduating picture, well go figure she didn't smile for that one either! lol.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
Yes, you were wrong. In fact, your background is what damns you above all else. You claim to have been emotionally abused and in therapy for it.

Yet you turn around and tease someone else, and get particularly nasty about it when she doesn't appreciate it.

Perhaps you should ask your therapist what is wrong with teasing, as it can be considered a form of hostility, particularly when it is relentless in the way you have apparently delivered it to this woman. From where I sit, you appear to have deliberately chosen someone you felt would tolerate your barbs over someone else whom you knew would not. That means you selected a victim.

It is well-known that people who were abused as children grow up to be abusers. You need to look at your own behavior and see where that cycle might be continuing with you.
Wait a sec, I got nasty? And threatening to hit me isnt? Wow and now I am an abuser, I guess next people will find a way to villify me and call me a rapist and a murder next eh?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
No, but he does continue to lash out at people who do criticize him. Not liking their replies, understandable, but his immature, mean tempered responses, not a good sign IMO. He has a long road ahead of him.
I lash out because I asked if what I did was wrong, I may not have phrased it right and what I meant was am i 100% wrong and she is 100% right? Because a lot of times it sure does seem that way. If that's not the case then so be it.

Also, its hard not to be defensive when you have people calling you names and talking about things that obviously arnt true such as she never wanted to be around me. That's not true, she showed me a picture of her daughter last week. And if she didn't want to be around me or talk to me, that's fine. THEN DONT. What gets me is that everyone is talking about me teasing and what not. I am sorry, but I am not buying it. God gave us all a mouth and you USE IT. If she would have brought this up, I would have stopped. Expecting me to pick up on nonverbal cues or whatnot is not acceptable. I am not a mind reader you know. I was going to put more things that she did before this (this is the first time that I have snapped at her) that really aggravated me but I held it in and didn't say anything, but I decided not to because when I mentioned the disability thing, someone gave me grief for it. She did more than just this I am saying. Yes it was wrong what I said, but I have just had enough tbh.
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Old 04-13-2014, 12:46 AM
 
Location: DC area
1,691 posts, read 2,198,355 times
Reputation: 641
I'm hesitant to weigh in here because you, OP, are rather defensive. I understand posting online can be tough. But when you post a message asking for thoughts you have to be prepared to hear all sides, both for and against.

On the whole, reading the OP, I understand you have certain triggers, trip wires and big red buttons. Our past guarantees we're all built with them. She set yours off when she said "what makes you think I won't slap you".

You reacted to that. By your own account I'd say you overreacted - thus my mention of triggers. You could have waved her comment off, laughed it off or any number of things. What you did was react. There isn't anything inherently wrong with reacting but it can get you into trouble as you've now experienced.

Your reaction and return comment...yeah. It's hard to argue you don't think that (that as a woman she should know her place) when you in fact said it. It was your de facto, off the cuff, first thing in your head and out of your mouth comment. Given your history it's not surprising you might have an issue with women but you definitely might want to tell your therapist and work on it or this will not be the last problem you have related to such thoughts and comments.
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Old 04-13-2014, 01:00 AM
Status: "could've~would've~should've used 'have', not 'of'" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,451 posts, read 14,299,056 times
Reputation: 23167
You are apparently aware of nonverbal cues, so you must have some idea that they are indeed something you should be picking up on. I believe I said earlier I thought you might have trouble 'reading' people. The inability to pick up on non verbal cues such as facial expressions and body language would certainly make it more difficult for you. Sounds like something you might need to try to consciously work on.
Lashing out in anger, verbally or physically, might be a learned response given your background, but it's going to make it very difficult to have meaningful relationships with people if you don't learn to control that. (And just because the internet ins anonymous doesn't mean it's okay to lash out here either, just for the record.)
I think you have made a good start by seeking therapy, I encourage you to really work at it.
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Old 04-13-2014, 07:50 PM
 
Location: Johns Creek, GA
2,009 posts, read 2,142,246 times
Reputation: 2281
Amen. If you were serious about working on the problem then you would take criticism and advice from people weighing in on the thread instead of dishing it back out.

It should be telling that you are giving *your* side of the story and the majority of people responding are pointing out mistakes that you made.

Did you post because you truly wanted advice or did you post because you wanted people to validate your excuse for acting like a jerk?

If some of us are coming off as harsh, then that is by design. Your actions were anti-social and sugar-coating that fact won't help anyone.
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Old 04-13-2014, 08:04 PM
 
28,905 posts, read 46,707,147 times
Reputation: 46025
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post
Of course you don't care, and why should you, you know nothing about them, nor do most people on these boards. You try studying for 5 hours a day every day for two weeks on top of having other stresses on top of you and taking 4 graduate courses at the same time. When you walk a mile in my shoes then you can criticize until then, I don't think so.
Are you kidding me? Look, if you can't hack the stress of graduate school without lashing out at others, then you can pretty much forget the real world. Holy mackerel, your life is pretty simple at this point: Go to class and study. I dunno, you might have a side job, too. You simply have no idea.

If you compared your average week with what the average poster on this board faces, you might change your tune. Hell, in addition to juggling multiple clients and pulling long hours, I have three kids to raise, a house to keep maintained, and a host of other commitments. There have been times when I've pulled all nighters, multiple weeks over 100 hours, long road trips, sick kids, late baseball games, homework, Cub Scouts, ballet and violin recitals, you name it. 5:30 a.m. to 11 p.m. Every cotton-picking day. And I'm not the only person on this board who is like this. I'm pretty certain of it.

Yet, somehow or another, myself and the very large majority of other people manage to handle this stress and not say the demeaning things you admitted to in your original post. Yet when we actually point it out that yes, you were indeed wrong, you spew out a bunch of rationalizations on why you behaved the way you did.
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