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Old 04-10-2014, 08:36 PM
 
45 posts, read 114,180 times
Reputation: 19

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OK, so this may offend some people, but keep in mind that there is a back history involved.

With that being said, I am in college right now and I am going for my grad degree. I have been seeing a therapist over past family issues which include family violence and the fact that my mom abused me during childhood, mostly physically and some emotionally. This is a disclaimer.

Well, anyways, I always kind of tease this girl in one of my classes. Shes pretty I will admit, but she has someone so I just tease her and I think that sometimes she needs to lighten up and what not because she always seems serious. Well I saw her yesterday and I told her jokingly that I had to tease her more today since I didn't see her a few days ago in another class. We kind of joked around and then I was talking to another girl and I made the off hand comment, "yeah, I couldn't talk to her, because I would get slapped" (laugh). This girl, the first one, says, "And what makes you think that I won't slap you" Woah, I grew up in a house full of domestic violence and I have been in a violent relationship. I was JOKING and I look over at her to see if she was and nope. No smile, no nothing. So of course I got mad about it for a sec and said well you are female and you know your place.

After that, she refused to talk to me! I thought she was playing around at first, but she kept saying, nope, not going to talk to you. I finally gave up and I was like yep, you were a negative person when I first met you and nothing has changed. She also told me once that she wanted to take away money given to disability persons by the government! Geez...So my question is, am i wrong for what I said? I mean, I just reacted and didnt even think and I pretty sure my background and seeing the therapist (who I had seen that day) had something to do with it. Also I am taking my comprehensive exams and I did tell her that I was really stressed out and not to pay me any mind. I told her this before all this even happened.
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Old 04-10-2014, 08:54 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,988 posts, read 14,665,561 times
Reputation: 14873
Both of you were inappropriate. Rather than attack the fact that she is female (which made you look 100% misogynistic), it would have been better to just quietly say "Well, then I would press charges, if you did. Assault is assault". She was wrong (even not knowing your history) - but you attacked like with like. Instead of making her feel like a louse, you also made yourself one. Sounds like that friendship is gone.
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Old 04-10-2014, 09:00 PM
Status: "could've~would've~should've used 'have', not 'of'" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,452 posts, read 14,303,163 times
Reputation: 23177
I didn't follow the half of that, but the only thing that really matters is if you actually said "well you are female and you know your place". That speaks volumes about your underlying beliefs and thoughts about women. If I were you I don't think I'd expect her to be more than cool towards you from here on out.
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Old 04-10-2014, 09:06 PM
 
45 posts, read 114,180 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryjohns View Post
Both of you were inappropriate. Rather than attack the fact that she is female (which made you look 100% misogynistic), it would have been better to just quietly say "Well, then I would press charges, if you did. Assault is assault". She was wrong (even not knowing your history) - but you attacked like with like. Instead of making her feel like a louse, you also made yourself one. Sounds like that friendship is gone.
Thanks, I figured that. I am not saying that I am right by any means, but people like this always make me feel like I am 100% wrong and they are right. I acknowledge that I did wrong. It wasn't much of a friendship anyway. That was a better comeback by the way. I should used that, thought hopefully there will not be a next time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
I didn't follow the half of that, but the only thing that really matters is if you actually said "well you are female and you know your place". That speaks volumes about your underlying beliefs and thoughts about women. If I were you I don't think I'd expect her to be more than cool towards you from here on out.
I have no respect for anybody that wants to assault me and no that is NOT my underlying beliefs about women. Please read the whole message.
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Old 04-10-2014, 09:08 PM
 
16,017 posts, read 19,666,166 times
Reputation: 26195
Sorry...Your family background is no excuse for being a jerk. If someone doesn't respond favorably to your teasing...Which imo is passive aggressive BS....unless you know someone really well and it is mutual....Don't do it. And...following her remark with a sexist remark....You're a female and know your place....Really??.... Grad school degree aside...Smarten Up!
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Old 04-10-2014, 09:15 PM
 
7,385 posts, read 13,224,704 times
Reputation: 8979
Stop trying to victimize yourself with your "disclaimer" (lame excuse, man) and stop trying to make the girl look bad (In RE: gov't $). Yes, your comment puts you in the wrong and was very off putting-- there is no justification, other than the fact you're being a jerk. And you actually expected her to continue to be friendly towards you? Someone who you say is very serious?
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Old 04-10-2014, 09:22 PM
 
45 posts, read 114,180 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Sorry...Your family background is no excuse for being a jerk. If someone doesn't respond favorably to your teasing...Which imo is passive aggressive BS....unless you know someone really well and it is mutual....Don't do it. And...following her remark with a sexist remark....You're a female and know your place....Really??.... Grad school degree aside...Smarten Up!
Passive aggressive? No, no. I was just trying to put a smile on her face because she always come to class looking like she just sucked on a bowl of lemons, but maybe you are right. I shouldn't care. Screw her feelings and what she thinks. I guess I care too much about others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post
Stop trying to victimize yourself with your "disclaimer" (lame excuse, man) and stop trying to make the girl look bad (In RE: gov't $). Yes, your comment puts you in the wrong and was very off putting-- there is no justification, other than the fact you're being a jerk. And you actually expected her to continue to be friendly towards you? Someone who you say is very serious?
And you can shut it. I was putting that in there so people could understand. I do go to therapy so the only lame excuse here is you. I am not trying to make anyone "look bad". If she looks bad, then that's her. I told the situation EXACTLY how it happened. Yeah she is serious, maybe both of you need to lighten up.

Last edited by Darkknight01; 04-10-2014 at 09:35 PM..
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Old 04-10-2014, 09:42 PM
Status: "could've~would've~should've used 'have', not 'of'" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,452 posts, read 14,303,163 times
Reputation: 23177
So you come here asking if you were wrong and get nasty when we tell you yes? You thought you were going to get some kind of validation? Might I suggest you run both your initial conversation with the girl AND this little foray past your therapist, to gain a little more insight?
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Old 04-10-2014, 09:44 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,005 posts, read 17,327,635 times
Reputation: 41271
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkknight01 View Post
Passive aggressive? No, no. I was just trying to put a smile on her face because she always come to class looking like she just sucked on a bowl of lemons, but maybe you are right. I shouldn't care. Screw her feelings and what she thinks. I guess I care too much about others.
...
I was a little confused by your first post----something about teasing her and wanting her to "lighten up" and "women should know their place".

Have you ever considered that she may have a reason for not smiling?

I'll always remember the time when I was filling my car with gas and someone started telling me to smile because it would make the gas station "look prettier" and a bunch of stuff like that. I happened to have just left the funeral home after making arrangements for my mother's funeral and I was not in the mood to "smile to make a gas station look prettier". It was my right to have privacy and not be bothered by some jerk who did not like that I wasn't laughing & smiling.

By the way, many people feel that any type of teasing is inappropriate and cruel.
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Old 04-10-2014, 09:49 PM
 
16,017 posts, read 19,666,166 times
Reputation: 26195
Not to beat a dead horse, but...Attacking folks.....that you invited to critique your scenario, and express that criticism in response to your topic.....Lots of hostility is looking like your normal MO when dealing with folks who do not agree with you. The common denominator being you... Maybe this hostility warrants some exploration. Just saying... Peace out.
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