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I think you're in a transitional time in your life. You are ambitious and successful and the people you've known the longest aren't. Sounds like you're basically dropping each other, which is healthy in my opinion. However you got together with those friends in the first place (often just proximity when you are young), those ties are no longer there.
Other friends move on for a variety of reasons ... no reflection on you. I had a year once in my thirties when FOUR of my friends I did social things with very regularly all moved to other states. Married, moved. Job transfer, moved. Relationship drama, moved. I-just-want-a-totally-different-lifestyle, moved. I had a good job and owned a home. I wasn't going anywhere at that time. It worked out, though. I'm always busy with volunteer work and art interests, so I have an endless number of things I can do to fill my time. If you do that enough, you make new friends. If you stay in your house all the time, you won't.
I realize it's hard to get-up-and-go if you feel blue. But don't let yourself fall into that cycle. If you feel depressed, you isolate. And when you isolate you get more depressed.
Make specific plans in advance to go out of your house at least three nights a week. Every week. An event, a volunteer effort, even a freelance job. Meetup is, as others have noted, great to find out about things. Your public library is usually a wonderful source of things to do (lectures, classes, game nights, book clubs). Enjoy kids? Mentor. Like to read? Tutor. Many people here already offered other good suggestions. Take a class (learn to cook, learn to dance, learn another language or software program, learn to play poker or bridge). Join a club (I'll bet there's a professional society related to your career). Get involved in a sport (it takes little athletic skill to join an adult softball team or a bowling group). Interested in politics? Find a candidate you like and volunteer (they'll keep you busy five days a week if you have any office skills whatsoever).
There are plenty of potential friends out there. The 2010 census showed that nearly half of all American adults — 100 million people — are single. The vast majority live alone, some renting, many owning their own homes. Widowed, divorced, never married ... they add up to more than married couples in number. And they are the bedrock of the social fabric of many places, particularly urban areas.
You have to be a friend to get a friend. You haven't had much motivation lately to feel friendly toward people you have a history with. That's not a crime. It's OK to move on, but no one will knock on your door and introduce themselves as your new friend. It's up to you to expand your interests and extend yourself to others.
I think you're in a transitional time in your life. You are ambitious and successful and the people you've known the longest aren't. Sounds like you're basically dropping each other, which is healthy in my opinion. However you got together with those friends in the first place (often just proximity when you are young), those ties are no longer there.
Other friends move on for a variety of reasons ... no reflection on you. I had a year once in my thirties when FOUR of my friends I did social things with very regularly all moved to other states. Married, moved. Job transfer, moved. Relationship drama, moved. I-just-want-a-totally-different-lifestyle, moved. I had a good job and owned a home. I wasn't going anywhere at that time. It worked out, though. I'm always busy with volunteer work and art interests, so I have an endless number of things I can do to fill my time. If you do that enough, you make new friends. If you stay in your house all the time, you won't.
I realize it's hard to get-up-and-go if you feel blue. But don't let yourself fall into that cycle. If you feel depressed, you isolate. And when you isolate you get more depressed.
Make specific plans in advance to go out of your house at least three nights a week. Every week. An event, a volunteer effort, even a freelance job. Meetup is, as others have noted, great to find out about things. Your public library is usually a wonderful source of things to do (lectures, classes, game nights, book clubs). Enjoy kids? Mentor. Like to read? Tutor. Many people here already offered other good suggestions. Take a class (learn to cook, learn to dance, learn another language or software program, learn to play poker or bridge). Join a club (I'll bet there's a professional society related to your career). Get involved in a sport (it takes little athletic skill to join an adult softball team or a bowling group). Interested in politics? Find a candidate you like and volunteer (they'll keep you busy five days a week if you have any office skills whatsoever).
There are plenty of potential friends out there. The 2010 census showed that nearly half of all American adults — 100 million people — are single. The vast majority live alone, some renting, many owning their own homes. Widowed, divorced, never married ... they add up to more than married couples in number. And they are the bedrock of the social fabric of many places, particularly urban areas.
You have to be a friend to get a friend. You haven't had much motivation lately to feel friendly toward people you have a history with. That's not a crime. It's OK to move on, but no one will knock on your door and introduce themselves as your new friend. It's up to you to expand your interests and extend yourself to others.
You can continue to be lonely or you can try to deal with some of the shortcomings of your friends just for a few hours to do something social. You will be hard pressed to find that perfect friend out there, many are flawed.
I validate your decisions on the friendships listed. I had similar situations in my life, too. I even have had gay friends - one came out and didn't want anything to do with anyone who knew her before she came out. Others never really made me feel 100% welcome in their gay circle of friends. So, I get the gay friend situation.
I've also had to let drama queen friends go, when they started trying to enmesh me in their drama. Same with trying to "help" an addict who wouldn't get better, but wanted me to "help" all the time.
I now have just a very few great friends, and they are all really cool, independent, people I love and admire. We help each other, but there's no babying involved and it's not one-sided. I'm blessed to have 3 such friends. None of them live close. But, we do keep in touch through Skype and email and texting.
I recently moved to a new town and got a dog. Wasn't able to have a dog for the last 10 years where I lived/worked (resident apt mgr where no pets were allowed). Not only is my dog good company, but I take her to training classes where I meet people, I take her to the dog park, where dog owners hang around chatting, I took her to watch the whippet club race their dogs and chatted with those people (my dog is a rat terrier). And I'm looking into getting involved in therapy dogs, after she gets more basic training - where we will volunteer to visit patients in hospitals, etc.
I have found that I am okay with just hanging out and chatting with strangers who also love dogs lol! And with being in contact with my good long-distance friends every week, I feel like I am also getting my quality deep friendship needs met. I'm not interested in any more romantic relationships, so I'm doing fine.
But, yes, to meet new people, the key is to get out and get active in something you enjoy where you will meet other people with same interests.
And I agree that you have to make yourself do it. I called the Petco here today to find out about a training course for my dog that is the first step in becoming a therapy dog. I had been putting it off, and finally made myself do it.
So, call about volunteering for something you enjoy, or look through the Meetup options, and make yourself a goal each week to email or call or actually show up at some meeting or event.
It's normal to grieve the loss of so many friends. You hereby have permission to be sad about it for a minute.
Must a friend be so good that you worship them? I'm not perfect & would not expect that from anyone.
Some of my best friends are mostly unemployed, some have an addiction or 3, but they all have something to offer. Do you want idols to worship, or is imperfect OK? You should not need to have 100% in common. Good friends=you are in some ways alike. You wish you were more alike in some ways. You're glad you're not alike in some ways. Seems a combo of these is best.
Friend #1 wife doesn't want him to have friends? Sounds like her problem, not his.
Friend #2 I can see good in most alcoholics when I analyze why they are alcoholics & realize that is only part of their identity.
Friend #3 We gets lots of propaganda against potheads. No ambition comes before use. A person who may be deeply troubled by things that are not their fault.
Friend #4 lesbian girl/woman: maybe she can explain something that would make you less uncomfortable? If it's about her friends or yours, would she agree to be with you & your friends?
Friend #5 Yes, hard to compete w/opposite sex. Either does or doesn't have free time for others.
Distant friends only a real help on few occasions you can get together.
I'm no expert but hope you see a friend or two in those you know or get to know others.
Where I am, wish cannabis was legal as that is what I need to be comfortable so I don't annoy others. But alcohol is very legal here, hang out & drink in a nearby park, friendly 99%.
Those who have the most free time are the best friends for me. Best wishes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanCheetah
So I am a little depressed because I am starting to feel a little lonely.
On the way out
Friend #1-Known since I was 7. Most unambitious and antisocial person I know. Never went to college, knocked up some chick twice by accident, has no motivation in life. Is just coasting by. His wife hates me (and all his other friends) so I am prohibited from visiting the house. He only reaches out to me when it something like his birthday or wedding. Letting the friendship die.
Friend #2-Known since I was 16. He is a drug addict and alcoholic. Always the victim. He has been battling substance abuse for ten years now. In the beginning I was there for him every step of the way, supporting and trying to help him. But after ten years I just gave up. If he can't help himself after all this time I don't think there is anything I can do. No college, works as a line cook for the past ten years getting fired from job to job due to always being drunk. Letting the friendship die.
Friend #3 -Known since I was 14. He is a pothead and has no ambition. He constantly tries to leech money off of me. I also think he is having emotional issues because goes on INSANE rants on Facebook and on the phone. People actually think he is really insane. Totally out of whack. He is another victim that he thinks the world is against him. Has a college degree, but has never worked and is leeching of family. (we are all 28). Letting the friendship be very thin.
Things have changed
Friend #4 - Known since I was 14. She came out as a lesbian two years ago, but the thing is now she is ONLY into that lifestyle. She only wants to go to gay bars, only wants to hangout with gay people. I go out sometimes with her to those places, but can't say I enjoy it. We are having less and less in common. Letting the friendship cool off a bit, but don't want to end.
Friend #5 - Known since I was 20. A best friend, he has fallen in love which is great but since then has disappeared and become a flake. Never goes through with promises and even though we are "best" friends I have only seen him once in the last year and he only lives 20 minutes away. He is too busy with his new girl. Letting it cool off but don't want it to end.
Then I have several other best friends but they all live Florida, California or another city where I am not. So it's best to say I am not happy with my current friends. Actually not happy at all. I don't enjoy them as friends anymore and I am starting to pull myself away. However, I am now finding that I am really lonely and don't have many friends anymore. I am trying to make new ones more aligned to me but it's pretty hard.
Has anyone ever experienced this? How did you handle it?
So I am a little depressed because I am starting to feel a little lonely. Let me put it this way, I am a very ambitious and successful person, very outgoing and social. But I have found that in the past year my friendships have dwindled. Big time. Partially my fault by choice and partially by it happening organically. I have decided to cut some friends out of my life but the result is now I am alone. A big part of the problem is that they are losers or things just aren't as good anymore. Here we go:
On the way out
Friend #1-Known since I was 7. Most unambitious and antisocial person I know. Never went to college, knocked up some chick twice by accident, has no motivation in life. Is just coasting by. His wife hates me (and all his other friends) so I am prohibited from visiting the house. He only reaches out to me when it something like his birthday or wedding. Letting the friendship die.
Friend #2-Known since I was 16. He is a drug addict and alcoholic. Always the victim. He has been battling substance abuse for ten years now. In the beginning I was there for him every step of the way, supporting and trying to help him. But after ten years I just gave up. If he can't help himself after all this time I don't think there is anything I can do. No college, works as a line cook for the past ten years getting fired from job to job due to always being drunk. Letting the friendship die.
Friend #3 -Known since I was 14. He is a pothead and has no ambition. He constantly tries to leech money off of me. I also think he is having emotional issues because goes on INSANE rants on Facebook and on the phone. People actually think he is really insane. Totally out of whack. He is another victim that he thinks the world is against him. Has a college degree, but has never worked and is leeching of family. (we are all 28). Letting the friendship be very thin.
Things have changed
Friend #4 - Known since I was 14. She came out as a lesbian two years ago, but the thing is now she is ONLY into that lifestyle. She only wants to go to gay bars, only wants to hangout with gay people. I go out sometimes with her to those places, but can't say I enjoy it. We are having less and less in common. Letting the friendship cool off a bit, but don't want to end.
Friend #5 - Known since I was 20. A best friend, he has fallen in love which is great but since then has disappeared and become a flake. Never goes through with promises and even though we are "best" friends I have only seen him once in the last year and he only lives 20 minutes away. He is too busy with his new girl. Letting it cool off but don't want it to end.
Then I have several other best friends but they all live Florida, California or another city where I am not. So it's best to say I am not happy with my current friends. Actually not happy at all. I don't enjoy them as friends anymore and I am starting to pull myself away. However, I am now finding that I am really lonely and don't have many friends anymore. I am trying to make new ones more aligned to me but it's pretty hard.
Has anyone ever experienced this? How did you handle it?
Learn to be your OWN best friend, and you won't require so many. Become comfortable and happy in your own skin and mind, then other people won't seem as important to you. I'm never lonely and I have no one.
Wow everyone thanks for your advice this really helps and makes me feel better! Yes I actually am signed up for Meetup.com and I am starting to take different classes hoping to make new friendships. I am also doing different networking events. I think it's just a transition period for me for a lot of reasons. It just hit me really hard on Saturday because I wanted to go out, but I realized that I really did not have anyone to go out with, so it made me depressed. I think it's just period at the moment that I have to deal with of being a little lonely before I start building new relationships.
Also doesn't help that I just broke up with my gf too. So feeling lonely all around!
Must a friend be so good that you worship them? I'm not perfect & would not expect that from anyone.
Some of my best friends are mostly unemployed, some have an addiction or 3, but they all have something to offer. Do you want idols to worship, or is imperfect OK? You should not need to have 100% in common. Good friends=you are in some ways alike. You wish you were more alike in some ways. You're glad you're not alike in some ways. Seems a combo of these is best.
Friend #1 wife doesn't want him to have friends? Sounds like her problem, not his.
Friend #2 I can see good in most alcoholics when I analyze why they are alcoholics & realize that is only part of their identity.
Friend #3 We gets lots of propaganda against potheads. No ambition comes before use. A person who may be deeply troubled by things that are not their fault.
Friend #4 lesbian girl/woman: maybe she can explain something that would make you less uncomfortable? If it's about her friends or yours, would she agree to be with you & your friends?
Friend #5 Yes, hard to compete w/opposite sex. Either does or doesn't have free time for others.
Distant friends only a real help on few occasions you can get together.
I'm no expert but hope you see a friend or two in those you know or get to know others.
Where I am, wish cannabis was legal as that is what I need to be comfortable so I don't annoy others. But alcohol is very legal here, hang out & drink in a nearby park, friendly 99%.
Those who have the most free time are the best friends for me. Best wishes.
My friends don't have to be perfect, but it becomes a problem when Friend #2 shows up drunk to every little thing (yes this includes things like brunch). Every time I see him he is drunk and it's before 6pm. Been like this for 10 years and I just can't deal with it. Or Friend #1 who doesn't hang out with me because his wife doesn't want him to and only comes around when it's convenient. It has nothing to do if they have a good job, are professional or what not. It has to do that it's just not working anymore.
In regards to the pothead friend and the alcholoic I have no problem with the use of those substances (I smoke up and drink as well) but like everything in life too much of anything is a bad thing. They have gone on the deep end of their substance abuse, and it's changed who they are, and don't enjoy them anymore. I am not the only one who has thought of both of those friends like that.
There is a difference of kicking back and smoking up with a friend as opposed to me making plans with Friend #3 and he doesn't show up because he knocked out because he was too high which actually he does a lot. Or Friend #2 that when me and some friends go to Six Flags one morning and drive the 45 minute drive there that at 9am he is drunk and the car wreaks like alcohol the entire way, which if it happened once in a while we could laugh about it, but when it happens all the time at breakfast, when you go to the movies, lunch, etc., it's a different story.
sign up for a class, even dance class, volunteer, help others. I strongly believe that we are put on this earth to help others, and no I'm not a church goer. But the goodness you will spread towards other will come back to you in the form of kindness, trust and friendship of people. That's priceless if you ask me.
You are not alone.
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