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Old 04-14-2014, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,404 posts, read 8,099,769 times
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Most friendships back from childhood don't always last anyway, since people change drastically between then & adulthood. I don't know why you didn't let go friends 1, 2, & 3 long ago. I guess 4 & 5 are OK to keep around, but that's good that you're not expecting too much from them.

Meet people at positive, healthy places. Join a gym & go to the cycling classes, etc. You're much less likely to meet druggies there since they should be all about good health.
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Old 04-14-2014, 12:25 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
1,653 posts, read 1,222,246 times
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Well, in all honesty you come off as being very negative. You use words like unambitious, anti-social, alcoholic, drug user, pot head, insane, leech, losers, etc. to describe your "friends" while you are social, outgoing, successful, etc. Try being more positive and less judgmental. I'm sure they had their good points or else they wouldn't have been your friends to begin with.
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Old 04-16-2014, 07:15 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,872 posts, read 13,493,435 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1986pacecar View Post
Well, in all honesty you come off as being very negative. You use words like unambitious, anti-social, alcoholic, drug user, pot head, insane, leech, losers, etc. to describe your "friends" while you are social, outgoing, successful, etc. Try being more positive and less judgmental. I'm sure they had their good points or else they wouldn't have been your friends to begin with.
Honestly, a lot of people are like that. And the fact that the OP was depressed when writing that may have made it sound worse that it is. A cheered-up OP thanked up for our help later and sounded better. I'm sure this will work out. Many people grow up to find out they've outgrown people they've had around them since their youth.
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Old 04-16-2014, 10:35 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,463,567 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanCheetah View Post
So I am a little depressed because I am starting to feel a little lonely. Let me put it this way, I am a very ambitious and successful person, very outgoing and social. But I have found that in the past year my friendships have dwindled. Big time. Partially my fault by choice and partially by it happening organically. I have decided to cut some friends out of my life but the result is now I am alone. A big part of the problem is that they are losers or things just aren't as good anymore. Here we go:

On the way out

Friend #1-Known since I was 7. Most unambitious and antisocial person I know. Never went to college, knocked up some chick twice by accident, has no motivation in life. Is just coasting by. His wife hates me (and all his other friends) so I am prohibited from visiting the house. He only reaches out to me when it something like his birthday or wedding. Letting the friendship die.

Friend #2-Known since I was 16. He is a drug addict and alcoholic. Always the victim. He has been battling substance abuse for ten years now. In the beginning I was there for him every step of the way, supporting and trying to help him. But after ten years I just gave up. If he can't help himself after all this time I don't think there is anything I can do. No college, works as a line cook for the past ten years getting fired from job to job due to always being drunk. Letting the friendship die.

Friend #3 -Known since I was 14. He is a pothead and has no ambition. He constantly tries to leech money off of me. I also think he is having emotional issues because goes on INSANE rants on Facebook and on the phone. People actually think he is really insane. Totally out of whack. He is another victim that he thinks the world is against him. Has a college degree, but has never worked and is leeching of family. (we are all 28). Letting the friendship be very thin.


Things have changed

Friend #4 - Known since I was 14. She came out as a lesbian two years ago, but the thing is now she is ONLY into that lifestyle. She only wants to go to gay bars, only wants to hangout with gay people. I go out sometimes with her to those places, but can't say I enjoy it. We are having less and less in common. Letting the friendship cool off a bit, but don't want to end.

Friend #5 - Known since I was 20. A best friend, he has fallen in love which is great but since then has disappeared and become a flake. Never goes through with promises and even though we are "best" friends I have only seen him once in the last year and he only lives 20 minutes away. He is too busy with his new girl. Letting it cool off but don't want it to end.

Then I have several other best friends but they all live Florida, California or another city where I am not. So it's best to say I am not happy with my current friends. Actually not happy at all. I don't enjoy them as friends anymore and I am starting to pull myself away. However, I am now finding that I am really lonely and don't have many friends anymore. I am trying to make new ones more aligned to me but it's pretty hard.

Has anyone ever experienced this? How did you handle it?
To me it sounds like you've held onto your childhood friends for a very long time, maybe too long and you hung onto them instead of making new friends.

The problem with childhood friends is that most of the time people's interests change as they get older and just because you had enough in common a long time ago, doesn't mean you still do.

I'd let the friendships die a natural death - no need to force anything but try to find some people you share more with. Also don't look for things to ever be just as they once were -- lots of things change, leaving childhood behind changes some things.
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Old 04-17-2014, 09:19 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
15,894 posts, read 12,696,454 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanCheetah View Post
Wow everyone thanks for your advice this really helps and makes me feel better! Yes I actually am signed up for Meetup.com and I am starting to take different classes hoping to make new friendships. I am also doing different networking events. I think it's just a transition period for me for a lot of reasons. It just hit me really hard on Saturday because I wanted to go out, but I realized that I really did not have anyone to go out with, so it made me depressed. I think it's just period at the moment that I have to deal with of being a little lonely before I start building new relationships.

Also doesn't help that I just broke up with my gf too. So feeling lonely all around!

Sorry to hear about the break up.

I move from Germany to Virginia and then to California and I found friends in the neighborhood, at work and through meetup.com.

I didn't have much luck in regular activity meetups, because there is alot of couples and the women get catty on me. But I found great friends in single people meetup events and will go out with a bunch of other single women this upcoming weekend.

If you have a hobby like bicycling, rock climbing, motorcycle riding, painting, surfing, hiking - find some groups with other enthusiasts and you will see, you will find lots of nice people.

No need to hang on to old friends who aren't worth a dime. They were okay back in the day but times are changing, you are changing and you need people now who have the same interests as you do and who don't abuse your friendship for old times sakes.

Good luck!
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Old 04-26-2014, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Midland, MI
505 posts, read 523,033 times
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This subject really resonates for me. When I left a long term marriage, most of the friends went with. And I moved. Just joined a church to help with social stuff, although it is one that I share values with. It is tough as you get into your 40s and 50s though for sure.
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Old 04-26-2014, 02:35 PM
 
4,881 posts, read 4,826,233 times
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^^^^I had a different situation (got ill) so I can relate. Some times people hold onto a friendship because of it's history
and time invested and later realize it's time to let go. It may not be hard meeting new people in your 40's, 50's and
60's but it is tough making friends. Meetup and other suggestions are a good place to start, but I found that most
of these (in the area we moved to) have already established their inner circle of friends.
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Old 04-26-2014, 04:42 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,818 posts, read 2,182,448 times
Reputation: 2772
Speaking from personal experience, you need to become more selfish and just focus on what makes you happy. Like a previous poster said, a lot of people generally suck and they don't know how to cultivate a successful or meaningful relationship, not even with themselves. Being that your old friends are unambitious slackers, you might have a big heart and feel like you can't abandon these people. But they will only drag you down and leave you feeling more lonely and depressed.

Cutting out downers from your life is always a good idea.
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Old 04-26-2014, 04:46 PM
 
5,002 posts, read 4,224,785 times
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It is so hard to meet good friends. I moved to NY from ireland when I was 20, then onto Pittsburgh 2 years ago. So we have no extended family here and no school friends here in Pittsburgh. Can it get lonely ; heck yes ; today is one of those days. Just a few things hit home today and it sucks.

I have told my sons to marry into good, big, close families so they will always have someone who cares about them around. Then hang onto your good friends. I thought i had one for 25 years and today, well today was just one of those days. People will use you as much as possible and I am the kind type.
So I agree with the poster who says become more selfish ; go right ahead and think of yourself.
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Old 04-26-2014, 07:49 PM
 
Location: Kirkland, WA (Metro Seattle)
3,918 posts, read 3,212,920 times
Reputation: 6954
Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanCheetah View Post
So I am a little depressed because I am starting to feel a little lonely. Let me put it this way, I am a very ambitious and successful person, very outgoing and social. But I have found that in the past year my friendships have dwindled. Big time. Partially my fault by choice and partially by it happening organically. I have decided to cut some friends out of my life but the result is now I am alone. A big part of the problem is that they are losers or things just aren't as good anymore. Here we go:

Has anyone ever experienced this? How did you handle it?
Sure. I let go a small(er) group of people who were dials on zero going the other way a couple years ago. No explanation is, or was at the time, necessary. Choose your company. You'll have more free time, as a result. Whether that is a plus or minus is up to you; in your case, there is a downside. Thus the thread. In mine, it was only upside because I don't find any value in dealing with people in other than small doses anyway.

Some years back, just about all my friends revolved around motorcycle racing, my primary hobby. Some were also employed at a large Redmond-WA software firm where we all worked, so there was that too. Men congregate on interests.

I really don't have much, if-any, guilt but others do when dealing with this kind of personal stuff. So letting people go is really something you either can, or cannot, deal with. Depends how much you want to "take care of you", emotionally speaking.

So find some new interests. When I was in grad school a couple years ago, made a new group of friends as a result. For example. Or take up with a new romantic partner: that tends to eat up a lot of spare time.
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