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Old 04-13-2014, 07:34 AM
 
102 posts, read 260,866 times
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So...one of my best friends is dating a guy who is NOT a bad guy - which is the somewhat difficult part in all of this. He's not a bad guy, but I have many doubts that he's the RIGHT guy for her.

I would describe their relationship as more of "convenient arrangement" than an actual romantic relationship or true "life partnership", if you will. Their commonalities include: both middle aged (40's), both divorced, both have kids (older - teen to young adult age range), and they care about each other on a human (maybe friendship level) aaaaand, that's where the buck stops as far as commonalities.

In my opinion they seem to have pretty significant - what I would call - foundational differences:

1) My friend is very outgoing, personable, friendly, a traveler - he is NOT. She often tells me that he "never wants to do anything" (literally, they may go to dinner once every two weeks). No pre-planned dates, no concerts, no surprises, very few trips - nothing. I feel that she would do MUCH more if she had a partner as equally as active as she was.

2) He has a few emotional hang-ups (I know, everyone does, but). I.E: he goes into full tantrum mode if my friend is on the phone past a certain time at night, or doesn't go to bed the same time he does, or feels as if she's not spending enough time (sitting at home) with him.

3) My friend has told me (multiple times) that she "is not in love with the guy" and they really don't converse on a deep level - ever

I know relationships look/feel different for different couples. Love and a committed, emotional, partnership is not the end goal for everyone, but in my heart of hearts, I believe that this is what my friend wants.

Unfortunately, up until this point in her life her (albeit few) prior relationships were not true examples of love (marked with some levels of emotional/physical abuse, infidelity, etc), so she hasn't experienced what true, healthy, committed (where love is freely given and received) feels like. She kind of accepts this guy/relationship as "good enough", and I think, is afraid of risking being alone at this point in her life. When I hint that there are other "fish in the sea", she never objects.

They're now (HIM urging) considering moving in together. Almost all of their reason are logistical, and nothing to do with "wanting to take next steps in their relationship", or being together more - no - it's all about splitting bills, minimizing commuting time to work, not having to travel as far, etc, etc. I think this would be a mistake as my friend would be the one uprooting her life (leaving her house to live in his - no joint mortgage), and would only magnify their issues, as they seem to argue more, the more time they spend together. However, on the other hand, maybe this is what she needs to determine whether or they DO or DON'T work??

I think the world of my friend - she is a fantastic person, and I really hope for the best for her; I just don't honestly feel that this guy is the BEST. She has insecurities from her past relationships, and if we truly "accept the love we think we deserve", I'm not sure that she thinks she's deserving of a big, genuine, love (which is kinda heart-breaking).

I'm not sure how to address this without sounding critical or disapproving.

I would love an outside opinion on all of the above. Should I have a heart to heart with my friend...let it go...what are your thoughts?
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Old 04-13-2014, 07:44 AM
 
3,154 posts, read 3,064,368 times
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Why would you even think that was your business? It's not your place to tell your friend if someone is right for her or not.
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Old 04-13-2014, 07:45 AM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
15,395 posts, read 12,143,677 times
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It is natural to want the best for all our loved ones...when we see soomething they don't
we do want to say something...as we watch their hearts break down the road....

You can mention your perspective and how you want the best for her...but from my
experience....that's it....once and then, drop it...and tell her you are only going to "mention"
it once, and that's it.
We all create and do what we do and learn from it all.
Hard to watch my girlfriend make the same guy mistakes over and over ...and over.
Oh well!
I don't say a word anymore....

(Well, unless she starts blaming the guy...once I did step in and say she should figure out why
"she" is attracting the same type of guys...she looked at me like, "What? ME? What do I have
to do with it?" Then, I really dropped it, but, I'm sure it got her thinking.
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:12 AM
 
5,574 posts, read 5,837,726 times
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They are adults. You need to let them navigate their relationship.

If you interfere (though your word "meddle" is more accurate), there's a high possibility that it will backfire on you. She could stay with him and cut you out of her life because she knows you don't approve. She could leave him and then blame you for her being alone.

Stay out of it, and be a supportive friend if their relationship tanks.
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:37 AM
 
9,412 posts, read 11,734,668 times
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Mind your own business. Meddling is obnoxious.
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Old 04-13-2014, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,055 posts, read 17,369,523 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by apexgds View Post
They are adults. You need to let them navigate their relationship.

If you interfere (though your word "meddle" is more accurate), there's a high possibility that it will backfire on you. She could stay with him and cut you out of her life because she knows you don't approve. She could leave him and then blame you for her being alone.

Stay out of it, and be a supportive friend if their relationship tanks.
Great suggestions.

There may be things in private that you do not know about.

We were at a fundraiser last night and one of the guests at the next table got obnoxiously drunk.
She was extremely loud, inappropriate and making stupid comments about everything. My husband dryly said to the people at our table "I assume that she is really good in bed" after she started braying like a donkey (literally braying, and I'm not joking). What my hubby was implying was that there must be something about that relationship that didn't cause her non-drunk husband/boyfriend/date/whatever to take her home immediately.

Perhaps there is something in the relationship of your friend & her lover that you do not know. Maybe he is wonderful to her when she is sick, maybe he treats her mentally ill mother with kindness and respect, or maybe he is fabulous in bed and the very best lover that your friend has ever had. You do not know, so back off with the advice.
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Old 04-13-2014, 12:44 PM
 
102 posts, read 260,866 times
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Great feedback - thanks, everyone!

I guess I should have noted that I have not yet given any advice on any of this.

I NEVER initiate conversation about their relationship (when it's brought up, it's always by my friend), and even after initiation my comments/questions are usually neutral - a lot of "Yes, I understand's" and "How do you feel about that?" type feedback.

This is only top of my mind as my friend is bringing up her relationship more frequently (and even asking "what do you think?"). My OP here was really just to gauge whether I should or shouldn't give my opinion.

Again, thanks for your honesty!
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Old 04-13-2014, 12:48 PM
 
35,108 posts, read 40,257,322 times
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Without reading all that mess I can tell you the answer to your thread title question is always: NO, stay out of other's business and personal affairs. It is their life, their choice and nothing you can/should do to try and change their minds about.

When they ask "what do you think" tell them you have no opinion about any of it because it is their life and their choice.
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Old 04-13-2014, 06:06 PM
 
28,905 posts, read 46,745,065 times
Reputation: 46028
Dear OP: Stay out. Unless he is abusive, it's just not your business.
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Old 04-13-2014, 06:11 PM
 
12,540 posts, read 12,531,731 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OhHey! View Post
So...one of my best friends is dating a guy who is NOT a bad guy - which is the somewhat difficult part in all of this. He's not a bad guy, but I have many doubts that he's the RIGHT guy for her.
So what? It's not for you to decide. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. If she is happy with him, that is all that matters. I would mind my own business if I were you.
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