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Old 05-12-2014, 12:57 PM
 
3,173 posts, read 3,069,257 times
Reputation: 3699

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post


It's not a favor to raise 5 children that you chose to bring into the world.
Keyword here is "chose". She did it and she deserves honor and respect for doing it. Nobody is perfect and nobody should expect anybody else to be perfect.

We should have a new holiday, lets call it Forgiveness Day.
We will have this day to spend alone instead of together and forgive the people who have hurt us by contemplating ourselves in their shoes, what they may have been going through. Giving them some understanding and the benefit of the doubt.
We will come out a better and happier person on the following day.
Especially if the person you need to forgive is your mother or father.
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Old 05-12-2014, 05:11 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,677,078 times
Reputation: 32302
Default Meaningless platitudes

Quote:
Originally Posted by mag32gie View Post
Keyword here is "chose". She did it and she deserves honor and respect for doing it. Nobody is perfect and nobody should expect anybody else to be perfect.

We should have a new holiday, lets call it Forgiveness Day.
We will have this day to spend alone instead of together and forgive the people who have hurt us by contemplating ourselves in their shoes, what they may have been going through. Giving them some understanding and the benefit of the doubt.
We will come out a better and happier person on the following day.
Especially if the person you need to forgive is your mother or father.
I have to wonder if you have read this entire thread. To write "nobody is perfect and nobody should expect anybody else to be perfect" is to skew the whole discussion with a Pollyanna-like, banal, tiresome, and meaningless platitude.

It is not a question of falling short of perfection, as you are trying to pretend. It is a question of positively evil people who have caused atrocious suffering to innocent children.

To recommend that everybody just sit down and forgive everything done to them and the people who did it is to depart from reality. Often the only way to move on beyond the evil and hatred is to distance oneself from it.
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Old 05-13-2014, 11:26 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,591 posts, read 23,151,009 times
Reputation: 48585
Quote:
Originally Posted by mag32gie View Post
Keyword here is "chose". She did it and she deserves honor and respect for doing it. Nobody is perfect and nobody should expect anybody else to be perfect.

We should have a new holiday, lets call it Forgiveness Day.
We will have this day to spend alone instead of together and forgive the people who have hurt us by contemplating ourselves in their shoes, what they may have been going through. Giving them some understanding and the benefit of the doubt.
We will come out a better and happier person on the following day.
Especially if the person you need to forgive is your mother or father.

One can not force "forgiveness" by making a holiday out of it, and more than one can force parental love by claiming a day a "holiday".

No one needs to have gratitude for being borne.

For being raised and loved? Yes. People naturally will be grateful for those things, without a mandatory
"holiday".

Forgiveness is also a choice. You can't legislate it.
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Old 05-13-2014, 11:30 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,591 posts, read 23,151,009 times
Reputation: 48585
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
I have to wonder if you have read this entire thread. To write "nobody is perfect and nobody should expect anybody else to be perfect" is to skew the whole discussion with a Pollyanna-like, banal, tiresome, and meaningless platitude.

It is not a question of falling short of perfection, as you are trying to pretend. It is a question of positively evil people who have caused atrocious suffering to innocent children.

To recommend that everybody just sit down and forgive everything done to them and the people who did it is to depart from reality. Often the only way to move on beyond the evil and hatred is to distance oneself from it.

Could not have said this better.
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Old 05-13-2014, 11:59 AM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,547 posts, read 28,491,298 times
Reputation: 43403
In my opinion, all of us should try to forgive our mothers and the other abusive people. Carrying around resentment, hurt, hatred, only hurts us. It doesn't affect them at all.

However, forgiving, does not mean that you have to accept them as your new best friend. You don't have to open yourself up to allow them to do it all over again. You can forgive and not allow any contact.

Forgive, understand if you can, and move on. If you have to stay away to protect yourself, then stay away. Just understand that you can make the choice to no longer allow them to hurt you and it certainly isn't in your best interest to allow them to continue to damage you, even when you never see them.

If you have internalized their abuse, make some effort to spit it out. Not easy, I know, but it makes more sense than allowing them to continue to ruin your life by remote control.
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Old 05-14-2014, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Austin
4,103 posts, read 6,060,706 times
Reputation: 6708
Quote:
Originally Posted by mag32gie View Post
Keyword here is "chose". She did it and she deserves honor and respect for doing it. Nobody is perfect and nobody should expect anybody else to be perfect.

We should have a new holiday, lets call it Forgiveness Day.
We will have this day to spend alone instead of together and forgive the people who have hurt us by contemplating ourselves in their shoes, what they may have been going through. Giving them some understanding and the benefit of the doubt.
We will come out a better and happier person on the following day.
Especially if the person you need to forgive is your mother or father.
Sorry, but no.
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Old 05-14-2014, 09:01 AM
 
Location: Austin
4,103 posts, read 6,060,706 times
Reputation: 6708
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post
In my opinion, all of us should try to forgive our mothers and the other abusive people. Carrying around resentment, hurt, hatred, only hurts us. It doesn't affect them at all.

However, forgiving, does not mean that you have to accept them as your new best friend. You don't have to open yourself up to allow them to do it all over again. You can forgive and not allow any contact.

Forgive, understand if you can, and move on. If you have to stay away to protect yourself, then stay away. Just understand that you can make the choice to no longer allow them to hurt you and it certainly isn't in your best interest to allow them to continue to damage you, even when you never see them.

If you have internalized their abuse, make some effort to spit it out. Not easy, I know, but it makes more sense than allowing them to continue to ruin your life by remote control.
See I see things a little differently. A little bit of anger is okay in my book. I'm not saying let it consume you but anger helps keep the eyes open and walls built where they need to stay up. I'm not going to forgive my mother or father. Does it mean I think about how they've wronged me constantly? Absolutely not. I have a life to live. It does keep me guarded when they come around, though. Anger isn't always debilitating. Sometimes it's useful and protecting.
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Old 05-14-2014, 07:09 PM
 
5,002 posts, read 4,233,381 times
Reputation: 3019
Oh I do respect her for raising us all alone. And I do honor her and appreciate the fact that she did what she thought was her best.

However, what does hurt is the fact that she still expects thanks constantly for doing what any mother would have done. Yes, she did it alone and times were tough.

I spent Mothers day in Ireland celebrating my mothers 90th birthday which fell on the day before. We and a great party for her and were surrounded by cousins who we didn't see in years. On the actual Mothers day, we all went for lunch to celebrate my sons 14th birthday. It is my honor to be the mother of a great kid, to raise him to be the sweet caring child he has become.

When we left yesterday, my mum gave me a peck on the cheek. My 85 year old mother in law who suffers from dementia, can barely walk and cannot remember anything, gave us the biggest hug, said she loved us and couldn't let go.

My mother who is 90 now, still drives, plays bridge, walks, shops and is immensely independent just dosnt get it and never did.
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Old 05-15-2014, 06:23 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,988 posts, read 16,719,555 times
Reputation: 19625
A friend shared this article on Mother's Day and it's a must read: Abusive parents: What do grown children owe the mothers and fathers who made their childhood a living hell?

Quote:
Loved ones and friends—sometimes even therapists—who urge reconnecting with a parent often speak as if forgiveness will be a psychic aloe vera, a balm that will heal the wounds of the past. They warn of the guilt that will dog the victim if the perpetrator dies estranged. What these people fail to take into account is the potential psychological cost of reconnecting, of dredging up painful memories and reviving destructive patterns.
As expected, I had a nasty text by noon when I had not called my mother to wish her a happy mother's day. I spent the entire day before with my grandmother (her mother) at the hospital dealing with a potential cancer diagnosis, which is very difficult for me not only because its my grandmother who I am very close to, but also because I have serious PTSD in connection with my OWN cancer history. At noon, I was not even awake because I needed to sleep it off. Then I proceeded to get barraged with phone calls, texts, Facebook, and gchat messages from both parents about how much I had hurt my mother.

When I did speak to my mom, she made sure to let me know "how embarrassed" she was that she'd have to lie to her coworkers about what I did for her for mother's day because I didn't send flowers or a card. She didn't seem to remember the flowers she had previously thrown away or all the cards she nitpicked over the years, which is why I no longer do cards or gifts for ANYONE in the family, no matter what the occasion.
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Old 05-15-2014, 08:33 AM
 
Location: Austin
4,103 posts, read 6,060,706 times
Reputation: 6708
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
A friend shared this article on Mother's Day and it's a must read: Abusive parents: What do grown children owe the mothers and fathers who made their childhood a living hell?



As expected, I had a nasty text by noon when I had not called my mother to wish her a happy mother's day. I spent the entire day before with my grandmother (her mother) at the hospital dealing with a potential cancer diagnosis, which is very difficult for me not only because its my grandmother who I am very close to, but also because I have serious PTSD in connection with my OWN cancer history. At noon, I was not even awake because I needed to sleep it off. Then I proceeded to get barraged with phone calls, texts, Facebook, and gchat messages from both parents about how much I had hurt my mother.

When I did speak to my mom, she made sure to let me know "how embarrassed" she was that she'd have to lie to her coworkers about what I did for her for mother's day because I didn't send flowers or a card. She didn't seem to remember the flowers she had previously thrown away or all the cards she nitpicked over the years, which is why I no longer do cards or gifts for ANYONE in the family, no matter what the occasion.
I'm really sorry to hear that . My mother had not been speaking to me for a couple of weeks due to me calling out her bad behavior. I debated a lot over whether to text her Happy Mother's Day or not. I knew it probably wouldn't end well. I ended up doing it and I've been regretting it ever since. I wish I would've just been the crappy daughter that didn't acknowledge her on Mother's Day. Boundaries are being put in place now. Very strict boundaries. I'm in the process of moving to a town an hour and a half away. She's not getting the new address. I'm seriously thinking of blocking her number. If she comes over to start a fight like she did on Tuesday then she gets a warning that the police will be called. If she still doesn't leave the police will be called. I have enough on my plate right now. I don't have time to deal with her crazy.
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