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Old 04-17-2014, 07:34 PM
 
2,575 posts, read 4,692,986 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aquietpath View Post
OP, having a crummy mother has made me a good one to my own kids. Sounds like it has done the same for you. We never know why we ended up with the parents we did, but it can turn out to have a positive effect in spite of it.

I don't care for Mother's Day at all. My relationship with my mother was very difficult, and it was always a problem for me finding a card that didn't express the sappy, loving tribute to mom that I felt wasn't warranted.

As a mother myself, I still dislike Mother's Day. I know my kids love me. They show it in a hundred ways throughout the year and I don't need them to be told to honor me on one particular day. They do anyway, but I wish Mothers Day would just disappear off the calendar.
I could have written the exact words myself. I'd rather have the wonderful relationship I have with my adult son 365 days a year and just get a phone call on Mothers Day than a crappy one 364 days and flowers and a card written by someone else on one.
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Old 04-17-2014, 08:32 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,588 posts, read 5,108,285 times
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I do, a bit. My own mom let me down so many times that i stopped relying on her for anything, which makes her feel unwanted (duh) which makes her somewhat whiny and petulant. Deep down I think she knows she will never be the mother that any of us wanted her to be. So Mother's day is pretty forced. I send a card.

I do enjoy Mother's day with my own kids. I usually make them do something outdoorsy with me, like a hike in the woods. They tolerate it because it is my day and then end up having a good time. They agree not to argue (they are 13 and 16 so for a long time that was the biggest gift they could give me!) We go out to dinner and have dessert. (my treat)

This year, I think we have to go visit my parents because we are moving dad to an Alz facility! Won't that make for a great family gathering!!!??!?!!?!?! Woo.Hooo.
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:33 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,334,529 times
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Absolutely. Having to stand in the card aisle and find something that "fit" was anxiety producing. My mother, like yours, made it no secret that she was doing me a favor. She made my life a living hell every chance she could and relished in it. Interestingly, people said that I didn't/couldn't understand because I didn't have children. However, now that I'm a parent, I understand my mother's actions even less. My children are amazing and they are totally dependent on me and need comfort, consolation and guidance. The idea of beating, verbally attacking and making up random craziness just to rejoice in them being punished has NEVER crossed my mind.

I don't try to have a relationship with my parents today. The primary reason is they are still physically and verbally abusive to me and would be, by extension, toward my children. About five years ago, we were visiting and my mother verbally insulted me and I wouldn't engage so she escalated it. I got my children and started to walk out and she hit me from behind. I righted myself and walked out. I haven't seen them since.

I do not like the idea of going to prison for the rest of my life and ANYBODY that hurts my child/ren is in for a world of pain. So, in everyone's best interest (and freedom), I stopped all contact. My father will email me every now and then, but it's mostly just guilt trips because I'm not willing to ignore my mother's violence.

In case you are interested, there are a few books I found helpful in my journey.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George Simon

I hope you find a balance between your sense of obligation to your elderly mother and your own peace of mind. It's a very fine line to walk and I've come to realize that most people just don't understand unless they've lived with this kind of parent. Society is a bit brainwashed into thinking ALL mothers are loving and kind. Only those of us that did not have that type of mother know the Susan Smiths and Andrea Yates (or some variation of that mindset) are not as uncommon as we are lead to believe.
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Old 04-18-2014, 08:43 AM
pll
 
1,052 posts, read 2,156,809 times
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It's a wonderful day in the fact that I get spoiled by my own family and I have wonderful step mom who has been a part of my life for 40 years. It's also very sad because I haven't had contact with my biological mom in over a decade.(Which btw, was her choice by how awful she treats me. My hubby won't tolerate her around our home).

Some of us have had to make that stand and get the toxic people out of our lives in order to go forward with a successful life.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. At times you feel you are alone and feel ashamed to talk about it. For those that have incredible Mother's, don't ever take it for granted.
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Old 04-18-2014, 10:00 AM
 
239 posts, read 297,260 times
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For years I hated Mother's Day. It was the worst day of the year for me and my Dad. It was the day that everything we had done wrong over the previous year was dredged up and we were put on a day long Guilt trip. Nothing we did was ever good enough. Over the years as I got older, mom began to mellow. Even through it all, I was a devoted son.

My mom passed away one week after Mother's Day last year. It was almost as if she needed to get in one last Mother's Day before she passed. She was in ICU and it was the last day that she was fully conscious and aware of everything. For her it was the greatest day of the year.

I would do anything to have her back. Mother's Day agita and all. Miss her terribly.

If yours is still around, do everything you can to make the day special. It's worth it.
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Old 04-18-2014, 11:33 AM
 
377 posts, read 597,370 times
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It is a wonderful day but I do dread it because my mom died 10 years ago. She also died right around Mother's Day. Double whammy. We were extremely close. What I dread is usually looking on Facebook at all the tributes to my friend's moms. Of course it's jealousy on my part because their moms are still alive and they still have those relationships but the day does reopen the wound in my heart.
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Old 04-18-2014, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,747,361 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nancy739 View Post
As far as the original post and the words regarding her mother who made it clear that she was doing all FIVE of them a favor by raising them ~ News Bulletin: She was! You wouldn't be alive on this Earth and neither would your siblings or your children for that matter were it not for your Mother, who gave you life. If you had lived her life and had FIVE children to raise, who knows what you would have done. Maybe she did and gave tremendously more for all of you than was done for her. Maybe she is a....what's the word....human. Humans are not perfect. Maybe she did the best she could. Did she feed all of you? Change all your diapers? Take care of you when you were sick? Devote the best years of her life to raising ALL of you? Remember, you would not even be alive, and therefore your children would not be alive, were it not for your Mother. Children are not discovered in the cabbage patch. The act of giving birth for most women is nothing short of agony, and many women have died in the process. She did not have to put any of you on the Earth and could have spent all the money invested in you and your siblings on herself, enjoyed the best years of her life not raising children who grow up ungrateful, judging her as a Mother, and expressing what a bother it is to see her on Mother's Day. OMG. She's ninety years old. When you mature a little bit, you are going to appreciate all she did for you and when she is gone, it's too late to say "Thank you".
What a load of B.S.!
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Old 04-18-2014, 04:03 PM
 
Location: SoCal
6,071 posts, read 9,535,742 times
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I do not acknowledge Mother's day to my mom. It would be just too hypocritical. One year she tried to lay a guilt trip on all of us (my sibs are so-so about it). That worked ... not at all!!! So she doesn't make a big deal of it any more.

For Mother's day, one of my sisters and I exchange greetings from our unborn children, whose best gift from us was that we chose not to have them.

Theres's not a great deal of maternal instinct in my family line.
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Old 04-18-2014, 04:52 PM
 
5,002 posts, read 4,258,555 times
Reputation: 3020
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nancy739 View Post
As far as the original post and the words regarding her mother who made it clear that she was doing all FIVE of them a favor by raising them ~ News Bulletin: She was! You wouldn't be alive on this Earth and neither would your siblings or your children for that matter were it not for your Mother, who gave you life. If you had lived her life and had FIVE children to raise, who knows what you would have done. Maybe she did and gave tremendously more for all of you than was done for her. Maybe she is a....what's the word....human. Humans are not perfect. Maybe she did the best she could. Did she feed all of you? Change all your diapers? Take care of you when you were sick? Devote the best years of her life to raising ALL of you? Remember, you would not even be alive, and therefore your children would not be alive, were it not for your Mother. Children are not discovered in the cabbage patch. The act of giving birth for most women is nothing short of agony, and many women have died in the process. She did not have to put any of you on the Earth and could have spent all the money invested in you and your siblings on herself, enjoyed the best years of her life not raising children who grow up ungrateful, judging her as a Mother, and expressing what a bother it is to see her on Mother's Day. OMG. She's ninety years old. When you mature a little bit, you are going to appreciate all she did for you and when she is gone, it's too late to say "Thank you".
I am sorry but I need to address this. Most decent mothers would not tell their kids that they should have put them in an orphanage and gotten on with her life. Even to this day (and I am 49), I still hear ; after all I did for you, I raised you on my own and this is the thanks I get ; this is usually after she telling me I am no good, being taken advantage of and being a fool as I look after my mil (dementia, 87, living alone and my dh and I travel back n forth to help her). No grandmother should have to be told that her preemie grandson needs to be held a lot.

I used to think that my mum did a lot, and did think that she was a decent mother. But I got older, realized that most mums tell their kids they love them, care about them and actually call them. I also realized that all she wants is attention, attention and more attention. That and money.

My son said a great thing to me today ; I was asking if he wanted to go on a hike on sunday and he said ; yes mum, just you and me. I missed you today. He is almost 14.
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Old 04-18-2014, 04:58 PM
 
Location: Idaho
836 posts, read 1,378,153 times
Reputation: 1554
You can't honor the dead, so honor the living what you can and live your own life.
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