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Old 04-18-2014, 09:41 PM
Location: Maryland
158 posts, read 186,510 times
Reputation: 196


Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat View Post
Which is worse? To not have kids that try to make your day "special" or to have kids who ignore you and don't seem to care about you? I'd say the latter...

Of my four other siblings I have one brother who sends my mom flowers but won't pick up the phone to call or come see her...he lives 3 miles away. I do a lot for my mom and especially for her b'day and Mother's Day and it makes me mad that the rest ignore her. She never did anything 'wrong' to them so I don't 'get it'. My kids are the same way with me and I don't 'get' that either. I try to make excuses that they are 'busy', have their own life, etc. but a five minute phone call seems to be 'too much'. Oh well, life goes on. My mom's b'day and Mother's Day are only a couple weeks apart too.
We teach people how to treat us. Your kids and siblings have learned from someone that this behavior is acceptable. You need to teach them that it isn't acceptable!
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Old 04-18-2014, 09:43 PM
Location: Maryland
158 posts, read 186,510 times
Reputation: 196
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Nope, my Mother knows I love her everyday and she does not care if I send her a special card or not.
She prefers contact throughout the entire year not just one day of the year.
Isn't it possible to do both? My kids do both, they come to see me on Mother's day, bring me flowers or a small gift. We do something together that I love, and they also see us the rest of the year too.
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Old 04-19-2014, 05:56 AM
558 posts, read 872,439 times
Reputation: 1039
My Mom died when I was 32 (2009) of breast Cancer, it sucked big time, so Mothers Days isn't really "dreaded" by me anymore, it's more just another day to me now. Like it's non-existent. I used to envy you who still have your parents and treat them like crap. Wont waste my energy on that anymore. Plus some parents really are not good people and should not be worshipped just because they simply gave birth, anyone can have a kid but it takes a great woman to be a Mom. Mine was great.
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Old 04-19-2014, 08:27 AM
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,623 posts, read 9,696,398 times
Reputation: 11007
Originally Posted by LillyJo View Post
We teach people how to treat us. Your kids and siblings have learned from someone that this behavior is acceptable. You need to teach them that it isn't acceptable!
I know exactly where my kids learned this behavior. I'm not about to try to 'teach' them anything. They are all in their late 40s/early 50s. As for my siblings...they are in their 60s and I'm not going to 'teach' them anything either. It doesn't bother me for MY sake but for my mom's, yes it does.
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Old 04-19-2014, 09:13 AM
Location: 500 miles from home
30,123 posts, read 16,646,161 times
Reputation: 22663
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
My Mom is deceased so I dread it for that.
Me too. Malamute, me too. My relationship with my Mom was pretty rocky growing and we were both far from perfect. But, once my son was born, I think I matured and she just loved him so much that we started to get along.

She died when he was about 6.

Originally Posted by okaydorothy View Post
I am glad that I am not alone. I am also happy for those who have wonderful relationships with their mothers ; my husband is one of those. I used to be very proud of my mum when I was in my 20's and 30's. However while I had some issues with her, as I get older I realize that while she was overwhelmed and tired, she could also have been a little more sympathetic, compassionate, caring, loving, and proud of all her kids, instead of just being there for the older two.
As a friend of hers said once, nobody argues with your mum as she is always right and you are always wrong. No matter what, it was always about her and never about her children ; always about the fact that she was alone, never about the kids who didn't have a father growing up. We were the worst kids on the street no matter what we did.
Mind you, we are all grown with families of our own, have good jobs, no mortgages, three of us put ourselves thru college, four of the grandkids have masters, and still she will say that she did it all alone.
What kid of mother would try suicide twice in front of her kids, leave three of them locked outside every afternoon for hours( I was the youngest at 9), refuse to let three younger go to their fathers funeral (again, youngest was 18), but still have a memorial for the man she supposedly hated (just so neighbors could see her), and many many more. While I may feel selfish, at what age does one accept this and move on. I cannot change her, and yes, I do respect her for her age, I make sure my boys get praise, love, hugs, attention, acceptance and respect and the knowledge that their parents tried their best. But its so hard realizing that a mother could not provide basic love.
You do have some legitimate gripes sounds like. One day your mother will be gone. *Poof* and gone from the face of the earth forever. Then what?

Make the best peace you can now so that you do not have regret later. Sounds like you might have already done that.
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Old 04-19-2014, 09:27 AM
223 posts, read 264,496 times
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I dread it only because I have trouble thinking of what to give or do for my Mom. She's in her 70s now and I make sure to let her know how much I love and appreciate her. More so on Mother's day.
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Old 04-19-2014, 12:59 PM
Location: Lake Norman, NC
7,187 posts, read 11,238,374 times
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Originally Posted by sacredgrooves View Post
Yes, because she is no longer with us. I was lucky to have an awesome mother and would give anything to celebrate another Mother's Day with her.
Me too! Love ya' ma!!!
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Old 04-19-2014, 02:56 PM
3,637 posts, read 2,700,916 times
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Originally Posted by okaydorothy View Post
But I guess I resent those who have great relationships with their mums and wish I did, but I don't and never will. She did have a hard life, but made it clear to all 5 of us that she was doing us a favor raising us and not dropping us off to an orphanage like my uncle told her to do when my dad left. Then she focused on the older 2, and left the younger 3 to raise each other. There is 5 years between us all and I am the youngest and lives the furthest away. There is a lot of bad history and things that she has done that I do not understand.
But no matter how bad things get between a child and a parent - there is always good memories - or reasons you are alive that are dependent upon them.

I hate Mothers days and fathers day. I hate valentines day. Ok hate is over dramatic and unrequired. I dislike - shall we say - any day that is designed to put us in the mind of being mindful - romantic - thoughtful - or thankful.

I do nothing for my mother on mothers day. And she knows this. I do nothing for my partners on valentines day or their birthdays either. Or on our anniversary.

Instead what I do is I spend my year/time thinking about everyone in my life. And if I see a gift - a card - or if I think of a message - that seems relevant to a person in my life - I just go on ahead and send it.

Your relationship with yours seems beyond troubled - but you are still invested enough in that relationship to care enough about it to FEEL it - and to ask us about it - rather than worry about dates - worry about expressing the actual parts of that relationship that matter to you.
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Old 04-20-2014, 11:26 PM
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,934 posts, read 14,421,262 times
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I don't pay much attention to Mother's Day, frankly. I doesn't do any good. My kids, with whom I have good relationships, don't seem to see it as important, and I think I didn't think it was that important with my mom, either, although I always remembered to commemorate it.

Now that mom has died, I wonder how I will feel on mother's day. But my mom was so old and so impaired when she passed, that I don't mourn her loss like some would. She lived a very full life. We all knew that we loved each other. And we talked and laughed many times on the phone about this and that, until dementia robbed her of the ability to keep a conversation going over the phone. When I think of those times I do grieve though.

One gift I received from my mom, was her love. She loved all of us. I have never doubted that. How will I feel on Mother's Day? I don't know. I am glad she is not struggling now, that she has peace.

For myself, I don't require a big dinner out, or anything much. I will probably get calls from the kids, and that will suffice. DH and I will no doubt eat out, but we do that anyway every Sunday. DH will probably get me a flower that will die in three days and the wrong sort of chocolate. But honestly, its all OK. I have nothing to complain about.
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Old 04-21-2014, 07:46 AM
Location: Camberville
12,047 posts, read 16,786,314 times
Reputation: 19810
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Why does she send you a nasty text? I thought mother's day was for people to send their mom a card or flowers or take her to dinner or thank her --- I didn't know moms sent out texts at all for that day.
My mother takes the opportunity every year to bring up how hurt she still is that I didn't send her anything for Mother's Day 3 years ago. Of course, I was going through treatment for Stage IV cancer at the time and was so impoverished that I couldn't afford decent food and wasn't able to fill many prescriptions, but that didn't matter to mom. She wanted a gift. I was so sick the day of Mother's Day that I didn't call. And by sick, I mean the kind of can't get out of bed to feed myself or use the bathroom exhausted that I never knew existed until I went through chemo. I was so ill, I had no idea what day it was.

Mind you, I'm not allowed to be hurt that she and my father chose to plan a 2 week trip to Scotland after my diagnosis, all while claiming they couldn't afford to visit me or offer me any kind of assistance.

Some of us have parents like that. Nothing was ever good enough for my mom. Even as a child, I dreaded her birthday or Chanukkah because she would belittle every gift my brother and I got for her. My school had a holiday shop that allowed kids to spend their allowance to buy gifts for friends and family during the holidays - it was all junk, but the point was to allow kids the autonomy to buy something without having to get the help of another parent. My mom scoffed and rolled her eyes.

The year before that famous Mother's Day, I sent my mom a bouquet. It was a big deal - I was in my senior year of college and didn't have much money after paying for books and food, but wanted to do something nice. She called me to tell me she had thrown out the flowers because they made her eyes water. No thank you. Just guilt.

These days, I call but that's it. And I need to set an alarm because if my mom does not have a phone call by 10AM, she will start sending me nasty messages or call me to berate me.
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