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Old 04-21-2014, 08:05 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,331,898 times
Reputation: 1871

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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
Some of us have parents like that. Nothing was ever good enough for my mom. Even as a child, I dreaded her birthday or Chanukkah because she would belittle every gift my brother and I got for her. My school had a holiday shop that allowed kids to spend their allowance to buy gifts for friends and family during the holidays - it was all junk, but the point was to allow kids the autonomy to buy something without having to get the help of another parent. My mom scoffed and rolled her eyes.
I'm sorry you went through that. I went through something very, very similar. In fact, I went to my parents to talk to them personally when I had my health scare. My mother's ONLY question was "Who is your beneficiary?" They never came to the hospital, offered any kind of emotional support or kindness at all. In fact, to this day, eleven years later, they have yet to ask how I'm doing. I think they get some kind of handbook on how to be as obnoxious as possible.

Congratulations on your survival. I know it wasn't easy, especially with a mother that still chastises you for not making the world revolve around her at that time.
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Old 04-21-2014, 08:07 AM
 
4,881 posts, read 4,849,288 times
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^^^^So sorry to hear that.....and boy oh boy can I relate and understand. Regarding the gifts you mentioned, same
situation with my mother. She would either throw them away or give them back. ???????
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Old 04-21-2014, 08:25 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,331,898 times
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Same here. Mine would throw them back in my face, literally. Nothing is good enough. Well, my death would be a welcome event for her, but nothing short of that and I have no intentions of obliging that request.
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Old 04-21-2014, 08:36 AM
 
Location: Florida
2,291 posts, read 4,944,698 times
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My mother is a narcissistic drunk, she is 88 years old, and, has made the family's life a pure hell....now, no one talks to her, brother, nieces, nephews, all 30 of no contact , step-daughter, 5 years, and me, 4 yrs, 10 yrs, now 3....not to mention, she has not one friend. The only one who stays in contact with her on occasion is my brother.

When we kids use to buy her cards it was a full time job trying to find one that didn't say "To The Best Mother In The World", "Thanks For Being There For Me" and so on, trying to buy a generic card for a mother from hell, is difficult at best.

So, glad to no longer have that burden on my shoulders, haven't spoken to her for 3 years and will never do so again. When she told my brother and I that we were both useless and to F off on Christmas Eve, that did it,I grabbed my stuff and left.
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Old 04-21-2014, 08:49 AM
 
Location: Camberville
12,011 posts, read 16,758,787 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd07 View Post
I'm sorry you went through that. I went through something very, very similar. In fact, I went to my parents to talk to them personally when I had my health scare. My mother's ONLY question was "Who is your beneficiary?" They never came to the hospital, offered any kind of emotional support or kindness at all. In fact, to this day, eleven years later, they have yet to ask how I'm doing. I think they get some kind of handbook on how to be as obnoxious as possible.

Congratulations on your survival. I know it wasn't easy, especially with a mother that still chastises you for not making the world revolve around her at that time.
My mom lost it when I informed her that my younger brother was my beneficiary. My mom, in some of her more threatening moments as a child (like when she picked up the phone to call the "foster care people" so they would take me away and put me with a mean family who would put out cigarettes on me - that's what she told me when I misbehaved at 7 or 8) would point out that she had enough of an insurance policy on me to bury me. I confirmed that when I got sick and then put my fairly generous employer's life insurance policy in my younger brother's name. She was LIVID.

Now, my parents are in a one-up war with my brother's future in-laws. They are getting married next year and my parents have come up to visit several times and have at least two more trips planned before the wedding next year. My brother lives about 150 miles north of me and really wants nothing to do with my parents, but they have a habit of showing up and expecting my brother to allow them to stay at his house now that he is a homeowner. It is very frustrating to the both of us (and the in-laws, who hate my parents for what they did to me) that I was fresh out of college and desperately needed help that they "couldn't give", but now my parents are insisting on paying for all kinds of stuff for the wedding. Like a hibatchi grill rehearsal dinner - forget that neither my brother or his fiance like Japanese food.

Meanwhile, my dad hasn't worked in a decade and my mom makes very little money - their house is falling apart from deferred maintenance. I could accept that my parents couldn't afford to help me financially during treatment or couldn't visit. What I can't accept is that they could somehow afford the $1500 a piece round trip flights to Edinburgh and 2 weeks of hotels and car rentals when a flight to my city could easily have been bought for <$500.

My mom paints herself the martyr in my cancer story to anyone who will listen. She came up for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society walk a few months out of treatment - it was the first time she saw me, and she made me feel like crap that I didn't raise any money nor have friends walking. It was like she couldn't understand that I had been a little busy the past 6 months trying to balance trying not to die with full time work, part time fighting with insurance companies, and trying to keep myself fed and bathed with no help whatsoever from anyone.

My childhood wasn't all bad- there were a lot of good moments. But there was also a lot of dysfunction that I had no perspective to realize until I got out. It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist through treatment when I realized it wasn't normal for my mom to spend the first 20 minutes of every phone call complaining about how tired she was or how sore her throat was when I had just gotten out of chemo that day and was experiencing all kinds of side effects. My mom is a relatively healthy woman in her early 50s - and yet it was normal to me that she was in more pain and discomfort than I was at 23 dealing with cancer and pretty much every chemo side effect in the book (and some that weren't)! Its hard to look back at my childhood and not see just the bad, because as my eyes have been opened to normal family relationships, I realize the "good" wasn't all that great either.

My mom gave birth to me and raised me and my brother in a decent neighborhood. I can be thankful for that, but I think doing the bare minimum to support your children emotionally isn't deserving of BS cards or boxes of chocolate.
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Old 04-21-2014, 09:02 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,331,898 times
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I think the "Martyr" chapter is in the book along with "Guilt Trips." Mine also plays the "worried mother" act for anybody that will listen yet she has never picked up the phone much less visited during any of it. I am going through some pretty difficult health stuff at the moment and it never dawned on me to contact my parents. Well-meaning people will say "that's what families are for" but they really have no concept of how toxic families can make it a million times worse. No thanks. There is a huge difference between a parent that is strict and toxic and, fortunately, many people just have no frame of reference of what that really means for those of us who've lived with the latter.

I don't refer to my female parent as "mom" because I consider it a term of endearment. For most of my childhood I was not permitted to call her that anyway. She would make me call her Mrs. Married Last Name and then gets offended that "mom" doesn't just roll off my tongue. Ugh.
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Old 04-21-2014, 09:36 AM
 
8,886 posts, read 2,758,586 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
My Mom is deceased so I dread it for that.
Me too malamute. Now that I'm older, I realize I could have been a much better daughter. My mother and I were close, and she knew that I loved her. But I wasn't always there when she wanted or needed me to be. I tell her all the time how I would do things so differently if she were still here. I hope she knows that.
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Old 04-21-2014, 11:45 AM
 
6,306 posts, read 5,049,308 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oddstray View Post
I do not acknowledge Mother's day to my mom. It would be just too hypocritical. One year she tried to lay a guilt trip on all of us (my sibs are so-so about it). That worked ... not at all!!! So she doesn't make a big deal of it any more.

For Mother's day, one of my sisters and I exchange greetings from our unborn children, whose best gift from us was that we chose not to have them.

Theres's not a great deal of maternal instinct in my family line.
My mother wasn't a bad mom, maybe an over-whelmed mom, but at least she recognized that. I remember her telling us that in her day (1940s), there wasn't much choice on how her life would go because she was female and Hispanic. Marriage and lots of kids.

She said if she had been born a man, she would not have married, but would have enjoyed life and traveled. This must have made an impression on me, because I paid attention to the fact that I NEVER had the urge to have kids. Some might feel this way, but still take the plunge.

I have 10 siblings. All the males reproduced, but only three of the females. I can think of only one grandchild that is or appears to be emotionally intact. Not that they are in the streets or unproductive, just not without any ongoing drama in their lives.

All five brothers emotionally abandoned their families and some financially. They are fine as step-fathers. Isn't that terrible. I don't see how they can do that.

The sisters with kids are so clingy that it pushes them away and then they get hurt. They are clingy, so they didn't do what they should have to make them emotionally independent. Every tale of woe is repeated. I never did that - kept my personal life private from my mother. Why cause her to worry?

But then I have friends who wanted to be all touch feely with their parents and were not, so they have this type of relationship with their kids and kind of hate it. Guess my sisters are like this also.

Oh well.
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Old 04-21-2014, 12:35 PM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,669 posts, read 28,685,250 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
........ No thank you. Just guilt. ..........if my mom does not have a phone call by 10AM, she will start sending me nasty messages or call me to berate me.
Take some good advice and stop trying so hard.

Nothing you do or don't do is ever going to please her. You might as well admit that to yourself and stop wasting time, energy, and money on her.

Sometimes people can be trained just like a dog. If she whines about every gift, you don't take one. When she starts trying the guilt thing because you didn't bring a gift, you tell her that she whines no matter what. She whines if you bring a gift and she whines if you don't bring a gift. You've decided that it is cheaper to not buy the gift since you get an equal amount of complaining whichever you do.

If she calls to berate you, you tell her that you don't want to talk to her unless she can be pleasant and that she can call back when her manners are better. Then hang up on her.

She has years of bad habits, so it will take some effort to retrain her.
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Old 04-21-2014, 12:46 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn,NY
10,613 posts, read 13,143,988 times
Reputation: 16173
My mom left this world in 1985. It's hard, yes. As is fathers day for me. You always pine for not being able to spend time with them, having lunch, talking, even arguing because they are no longer here with me. (As are many other family members) We grieve, we move on in our lives but the memories and thoughts of what could have been-In this present time remain. And it's normal to feel this way no matter how many years have gone by.
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