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Old 04-21-2014, 03:31 PM
 
261 posts, read 285,064 times
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Several points others have said which makes me feel as if I wasn't the only one in the world with a dysfunctional mother:

- I could never call my mother "mom" either as it was a term of endearment that I couldn't get myself to say. She was always "mother" to me. A mother is defined as a female who gave birth and yes she did give birth to me so there's that (under protest - if abortions were legal at the time she would've had one).

- It would be hard to find a card that didn't say "Best Mother in the World" or "To My Dear Mom" or something that wasn't so endearing. I would always look for the simple card that would say "To Mother" with nothing much written inside except "Happy Mother's Day". Not easy to find.


Those of you who have or had wonderful mothers cannot possibly understand how those of us who had dysfunctional mothers feel. It goes to the very core of your identity. I have had many years of therapy to undo the damage that she (and my father by his absence) have caused me. I cannot even imagine what it's like to have a mother (and father) who would've unconditionally loved me, supported me, was proud of me and made me feel that I wasn't a burden - but a joy and special - at least to them. I grew up never knowing those things and thinking I must be unlovable to everyone. After all - if your parents don't want or like you - who else will? This is what I thought for so long. It is a huge sense of loss that some can never comprehend and one that I have struggled my entire life to overcome.
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Old 04-21-2014, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,025 posts, read 17,342,168 times
Reputation: 41321
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
My mother takes the opportunity every year to bring up how hurt she still is that I didn't send her anything for Mother's Day 3 years ago. Of course, I was going through treatment for Stage IV cancer at the time and was so impoverished that I couldn't afford decent food and wasn't able to fill many prescriptions, but that didn't matter to mom. She wanted a gift. I was so sick the day of Mother's Day that I didn't call. And by sick, I mean the kind of can't get out of bed to feed myself or use the bathroom exhausted that I never knew existed until I went through chemo. I was so ill, I had no idea what day it was.

Mind you, I'm not allowed to be hurt that she and my father chose to plan a 2 week trip to Scotland after my diagnosis, all while claiming they couldn't afford to visit me or offer me any kind of assistance.

Some of us have parents like that. Nothing was ever good enough for my mom. Even as a child, I dreaded her birthday or Chanukkah because she would belittle every gift my brother and I got for her. My school had a holiday shop that allowed kids to spend their allowance to buy gifts for friends and family during the holidays - it was all junk, but the point was to allow kids the autonomy to buy something without having to get the help of another parent. My mom scoffed and rolled her eyes.

The year before that famous Mother's Day, I sent my mom a bouquet. It was a big deal - I was in my senior year of college and didn't have much money after paying for books and food, but wanted to do something nice. She called me to tell me she had thrown out the flowers because they made her eyes water. No thank you. Just guilt.

These days, I call but that's it. And I need to set an alarm because if my mom does not have a phone call by 10AM, she will start sending me nasty messages or call me to berate me.
charolastra, it is lucky for me that I don't know where your parents live. I really don't think that I would be able to control myself and I would punch each of them HARD in the face for how they treated you while you were fighting cancer. Then I probably would be arrested and put in jail. So, thank you for not telling me who they are and where they live because you are keeping me out of jail.

I am so sorry that your parents treated you so poorly. Good luck to you.
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Old 04-21-2014, 04:59 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,656 posts, read 23,235,665 times
Reputation: 48819
No. I love it. I have a wonderful husband and children.

Yes. My mother has been dead for 30 years. I have a sister who has four children and each year she cries about "mommy". ???

There is a time when the torch is passed and one celebrates Mother's Day as a mother, and not a child.

A group I really do feel compassion for are women with infertility. I was once one of them.

I think that it can be a devastating choice for the "childless not by choice".
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:08 PM
 
5,002 posts, read 4,252,664 times
Reputation: 3020
I am so happy that I have two boys who know that no matter what, I will love them and care for them. They know I have their back and will fight for them.
My mum is all about appearances. When i was pg with my second child, I was in hospital on bed rest and had a 15 month old at home. There was nobody here to help us as we do not have any family in this country. Anyway, I had my son 8 weeks early, my mum came to visit as it was the good thing to do. Well my son was on life support in NICU, I was getting over an emergency c-section, had a baby at home and my dh was working. So one would presume that my mum was coming to help!!

I ended up making her tea daily, making dinner etc, going to the hospital, taking care of the baby at home. I ended up with double pneumonia and was in hospital for a week ; baby was on one floor, I was on another. This went on for a week and how many times did she go to the hospital to see me, or even see her sick grandchild ; NOT ONCE. My dh would make sure my son was asleep every night before he would leave to go and see me and the baby. When I asked her how come she didn't come to see me, she replied ; I wasn't asked. When I asked her why she didn't go to see the baby (all he needed was to be held), she said she didn't know she had to do that and wasn't asked.
Last year we were in Ireland for a visit and my nephew (26) was in hospital for appendix. On his first day in the hospital, she was into see him.
Its her loss. She dosnt know my kids, dosnt know the kind hearted boys they are, dosnt know the ambition they have.
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:12 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,656 posts, read 23,235,665 times
Reputation: 48819
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
My mother takes the opportunity every year to bring up how hurt she still is that I didn't send her anything for Mother's Day 3 years ago. Of course, I was going through treatment for Stage IV cancer at the time and was so impoverished that I couldn't afford decent food and wasn't able to fill many prescriptions, but that didn't matter to mom. She wanted a gift. I was so sick the day of Mother's Day that I didn't call. And by sick, I mean the kind of can't get out of bed to feed myself or use the bathroom exhausted that I never knew existed until I went through chemo. I was so ill, I had no idea what day it was.

Mind you, I'm not allowed to be hurt that she and my father chose to plan a 2 week trip to Scotland after my diagnosis, all while claiming they couldn't afford to visit me or offer me any kind of assistance.

Some of us have parents like that. Nothing was ever good enough for my mom. Even as a child, I dreaded her birthday or Chanukkah because she would belittle every gift my brother and I got for her. My school had a holiday shop that allowed kids to spend their allowance to buy gifts for friends and family during the holidays - it was all junk, but the point was to allow kids the autonomy to buy something without having to get the help of another parent. My mom scoffed and rolled her eyes.

The year before that famous Mother's Day, I sent my mom a bouquet. It was a big deal - I was in my senior year of college and didn't have much money after paying for books and food, but wanted to do something nice. She called me to tell me she had thrown out the flowers because they made her eyes water. No thank you. Just guilt.

These days, I call but that's it. And I need to set an alarm because if my mom does not have a phone call by 10AM, she will start sending me nasty messages or call me to berate me.

I'm so sorry that you went through this. From what I know of you on CD, you are a kind, interesting and caring person.

My mother was somewhat like yours. Very controlling and critical. A cold narcissist.

There were some good traits that I learned from her. But, mostly I learned how not to be a mother.

On her death bed, around this time of year she hissed "you know, I'll never forgive you. You're sisters are so much more like me." I agree with the last part. They are.

I am still not sure what she was supposed to forgive me for. And, at this point, I really don't care.

I also hope that your health has improved.

Hugs!
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:19 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,332,341 times
Reputation: 1871
Quote:
Originally Posted by VistaCat View Post
Those of you who have or had wonderful mothers cannot possibly understand how those of us who had dysfunctional mothers feel. It goes to the very core of your identity.
Several years ago a very large website decided to host a sub-forum for people with toxic relationships with their mothers. Many people with loving mothers wanted to "crash" the group complaining that we were just ungrateful and unappreciative offspring with the mindset that "all" mothers are loving and nurturing.

About ten years ago I ended a friendship with a woman that insisted on asking me "How is your mother?" every time I spoke to her. She did it simply to rub in my face that I did not have a loving and kind mother like she did. She didn't even know my mother! She just could not get her brain to accept that everyone did not have that kind of mother. The saddest part about her deep denial is that her own oldest sister did not have a loving and kind relationship with their mother so the same dynamic was happening in her own family.

I have never been angry or jealous of people who have loving mothers. I am not even angry at my own mother. I just refuse to tolerate her emotional and physical abuse any more and absolutely will not tolerate it toward/in front of my children. That's non-negotiable. I just wish that people with loving and kind mothers (or parents) could accept the reality that not all of us had that. We are forced to live in a world that honors mothers as being almost omnipotent. Why can't they bend a little and accept that the the world is not going to explode by acknowleding the reality that some of them are downright hateful and abusive?
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:25 PM
 
17,002 posts, read 20,672,524 times
Reputation: 33987
Quote:
Originally Posted by sacredgrooves View Post
Yes, because she is no longer with us. I was lucky to have an awesome mother and would give anything to celebrate another Mother's Day with her.
Thank you. My mother was also an awesome mom and I lost her in 2012. Still grieving.
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:32 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,717,541 times
Reputation: 11933
Quote:
Originally Posted by VistaCat View Post
Several points others have said which makes me feel as if I wasn't the only one in the world with a dysfunctional mother:

- I could never call my mother "mom" either as it was a term of endearment that I couldn't get myself to say. She was always "mother" to me. A mother is defined as a female who gave birth and yes she did give birth to me so there's that (under protest - if abortions were legal at the time she would've had one).

- It would be hard to find a card that didn't say "Best Mother in the World" or "To My Dear Mom" or something that wasn't so endearing. I would always look for the simple card that would say "To Mother" with nothing much written inside except "Happy Mother's Day". Not easy to find.


Those of you who have or had wonderful mothers cannot possibly understand how those of us who had dysfunctional mothers feel. It goes to the very core of your identity. I have had many years of therapy to undo the damage that she (and my father by his absence) have caused me. I cannot even imagine what it's like to have a mother (and father) who would've unconditionally loved me, supported me, was proud of me and made me feel that I wasn't a burden - but a joy and special - at least to them. I grew up never knowing those things and thinking I must be unlovable to everyone. After all - if your parents don't want or like you - who else will? This is what I thought for so long. It is a huge sense of loss that some can never comprehend and one that I have struggled my entire life to overcome.
It's only now at nearly 50 that I truly appreciate the damage a lack of maternal love does to a child.

You really never get over it.

As my psych said "you were set up to fail" by a mother who treated me as her own personal emotional dart board.

Then I married her...not really, but my ex hub was exactly the same type of hot/cold, abuse, anger, name calling and blaming.

My psych says they both had BPD and I am unerringly drawn to people who wish to put me down.

Ayyyyyyyyyyyy..........!
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:48 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,025 posts, read 17,342,168 times
Reputation: 41321
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd07 View Post
Several years ago a very large website decided to host a sub-forum for people with toxic relationships with their mothers. Many people with loving mothers wanted to "crash" the group complaining that we were just ungrateful and unappreciative offspring with the mindset that "all" mothers are loving and nurturing.

About ten years ago I ended a friendship with a woman that insisted on asking me "How is your mother?" every time I spoke to her. She did it simply to rub in my face that I did not have a loving and kind mother like she did. She didn't even know my mother! She just could not get her brain to accept that everyone did not have that kind of mother. The saddest part about her deep denial is that her own oldest sister did not have a loving and kind relationship with their mother so the same dynamic was happening in her own family.

I have never been angry or jealous of people who have loving mothers. I am not even angry at my own mother. I just refuse to tolerate her emotional and physical abuse any more and absolutely will not tolerate it toward/in front of my children. That's non-negotiable. I just wish that people with loving and kind mothers (or parents) could accept the reality that not all of us had that. We are forced to live in a world that honors mothers as being almost omnipotent. Why can't they bend a little and accept that the the world is not going to explode by acknowleding the reality that some of them are downright hateful and abusive?
I am sorry that people who did not understand "crashed" the group. I had wonderful parents but I can certainly understand that not all children were so lucky.

It is too bad that everyone can't understand that.
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:51 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,332,341 times
Reputation: 1871
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I am sorry that people who did not understand "crashed" the group. I had wonderful parents but I can certainly understand that not all children were so lucky.

It is too bad that everyone can't understand that.
Thank you for posting that, Germaine.
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