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Old 04-22-2014, 09:12 AM
 
Location: Savannah GA/Lk Hopatcong NJ
13,106 posts, read 24,889,480 times
Reputation: 11146

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mjd07 View Post
Several years ago a very large website decided to host a sub-forum for people with toxic relationships with their mothers. Many people with loving mothers wanted to "crash" the group complaining that we were just ungrateful and unappreciative offspring with the mindset that "all" mothers are loving and nurturing.

About ten years ago I ended a friendship with a woman that insisted on asking me "How is your mother?" every time I spoke to her. She did it simply to rub in my face that I did not have a loving and kind mother like she did. She didn't even know my mother! She just could not get her brain to accept that everyone did not have that kind of mother. The saddest part about her deep denial is that her own oldest sister did not have a loving and kind relationship with their mother so the same dynamic was happening in her own family.

I have never been angry or jealous of people who have loving mothers. I am not even angry at my own mother. I just refuse to tolerate her emotional and physical abuse any more and absolutely will not tolerate it toward/in front of my children. That's non-negotiable. I just wish that people with loving and kind mothers (or parents) could accept the reality that not all of us had that. We are forced to live in a world that honors mothers as being almost omnipotent. Why can't they bend a little and accept that the the world is not going to explode by acknowleding the reality that some of them are downright hateful and abusive?
I'm starting to think that only us who lived with these types of Moms understand. Most people with wonderful mothers have no idea the damage done by toxic mothers.
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Old 04-22-2014, 09:16 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,333,186 times
Reputation: 1871
Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I'm starting to think that only us who lived with these types of Moms understand. Most people with wonderful mothers have no idea the damage done by toxic mothers.
Unfortunately, they don't. I appreciate the ones that at least make the effort not to be nasty and judgmental.

My all time favorite judgmental question was "What did you do to your mother to make her act that way toward you?" My answer, stated calmly and sincerely "I managed to be born."

I try to find the joy in every day and the beauty of having a hateful, toxic mother is that I don't have any frame of reference. I can't "miss" something I've never experienced so there is no "sense of loss" relative to that. I can feel it for/toward my children because they don't have loving, doting grandparents, but I don't feel it toward myself. Plus, I don't put myself through the anxiety dance at the card aisle any more. What a relief!
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Old 04-22-2014, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Northern Illinois
2,187 posts, read 3,616,156 times
Reputation: 6346
I'm not a mother, but I loved mine a LOT and we lost her on the Friday before Mother's Day in 1998. Went shopping for a dress to wear to her funeral on that Sunday, Mother's Day - and cried all day when I kept seeing other women out with their mothers for an afternoon - taking them to lunch or shopping, or just spending time. It was awful. Time heals - and now on Mother's Day I remember her and talk to her and try to do something I used to do with her that she enjoyed - usually working in her flowers or eating something yummy like lemon meringue pie! Honestly though, I never needed a special day to show or to tell my Mom how much I appreciated her - she was a great Mom and we were really close.Now when I see others with their Moms I'm just happy for them, that they still have the ability to hold her and tell her how much she means to them. It'll have to do.
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Old 04-22-2014, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,881 posts, read 7,307,509 times
Reputation: 5139
Yes, I have always loathed Mother's Day simpley because I have never been close with my mother, in fact growing up we had a very strained relationship but every year just to keep the peace I had to find some stupid card and gift to appease her.

Worse are those Mother's Day cards. Its hard to find a card that say "You weren't that great of a mom, but here's a card so you won't *****. Happy Mother's Day".

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Old 04-22-2014, 11:40 AM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,679 posts, read 28,720,526 times
Reputation: 43727
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Crabcakes View Post
..........Worse are those Mother's Day cards. Its hard to find a card that say "You weren't that great of a mom, but here's a card so you won't *****. Happy Mother's Day"..........
I'm starting to think there is a good business opportunity to produce neutral holiday cards.

"It's Mother's day. I thought of you"

"It's Thanksgiving. I hope you enjoy your turkey dinner."

"Merry Christmas. My family is enjoying it without you" (that one is maybe a little bit hostile.) Maybe, "Here's a Christmas tree for you on this holiday", with a drawing of a decorated tree.

Probably, many of us must guard against becoming passive aggressive which, in of itself, is not a good personality trait. It comes about when a person is powerless to defend themselves, but if we are aware of it, we can out grow it. (No, I didn't claim it would be easy)
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Old 04-22-2014, 11:42 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,333,186 times
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It's kind of ironic since the kind of mother that could take a joke wouldn't need a card like those. There's definitely a hole in the card marketing business.
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Old 04-22-2014, 12:05 PM
Status: "Be yourself. What's the alternative?" (set 20 days ago)
 
8,695 posts, read 10,842,175 times
Reputation: 12754
I had the MIL from h*ll. But, I don't think I ever gave her a Mother's Day card either. She didn't deserve one. Maybe my husband put my name on the card from both of us. Thank God for the defense mechanism of repression! I actually can't remember. Back then, those holidays always stirred the pot, but not anymore. I never had that experience w/ my own mother.
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Old 04-22-2014, 12:11 PM
Status: "Be yourself. What's the alternative?" (set 20 days ago)
 
8,695 posts, read 10,842,175 times
Reputation: 12754
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post
I'm starting to think there is a good business opportunity to produce neutral holiday cards.

"It's Mother's day. I thought of you"

"It's Thanksgiving. I hope you enjoy your turkey dinner."

"Merry Christmas. My family is enjoying it without you" (that one is maybe a little bit hostile.) Maybe, "Here's a Christmas tree for you on this holiday", with a drawing of a decorated tree.

Probably, many of us must guard against becoming passive aggressive which, in of itself, is not a good personality trait. It comes about when a person is powerless to defend themselves, but if we are aware of it, we can out grow it. (No, I didn't claim it would be easy)

OMG, too funny-- "My family is enjoying Christmas without you." Wow, you can call your card company, "Dysfunctional Unlimited" perhaps? I guess I probably would send one, even though like you say certain personality characteristics are best avoided. But, the fantasy of it...
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Old 04-22-2014, 01:38 PM
 
297 posts, read 668,762 times
Reputation: 276
I hate MD because I miss my own deceased mother so much, plus we live far from our (wonderful) grown kids. They're great and they send cards, call, etc. but we don't have a lot of money to travel. So on MD I'm very lonely and feeling sorry for myself. Also, I resent all the "mother-daughter" teas and so forth that I read about. Not all us mothers have daughters.
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Old 04-22-2014, 01:43 PM
 
25,953 posts, read 26,767,982 times
Reputation: 26716
My brother and sister in law's son died and last year, the first of his death, his birthday fell on mother's day last year. I imagined her ripping the calendar off the wall and collapsing to the floor in utter agony. I was right it's exactly what she did. Mother's day is one of the most excruciating thing for her.

For mother's day and father's day I go to the cemetery the day before and leave them letter on how wonderful parents they are.
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