U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 04-21-2014, 03:03 PM
 
9,228 posts, read 18,942,794 times
Reputation: 22160

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by UsAll View Post
1. In what way(s) were you bullied or tormented and by whom (i.e., what type of person was your bullier or tormentor, such as a classmate or next-door neighbor or a fellow neighborhood resident or a co-worker or a boss or supervisor or family member or relative or . . . . . ?

In high school, a group of my former friends, a popular group, decided to spread rumors that my new friend and I were lesbians. Although today that might be a "plus" in one's social status, in the 1980s, it was horrible. For months, I would hear taunts in the hallways, at school events, on the athletic fields, from that group, and from people I didn't even know. Sometimes it was just "dyke!" other times it was explicit comments about what my friend and I supposedly did to each other. It kind of killed any hope I might have had of having a boyfriend in high school.

2. Did they, on their own initiative, try to find you and seek you out at some later time in life to make said apology? Or did they send you a letter or email to explain themselves or somehow get your phone number and call you (and how did they know where and how to find you in this manner)? Or did they run into you or come across you unexpectedly somewhere out there in the world and then come up to you to present themselves and apologize?

I was home visiting my parents, on break from college, I think in my senior year. I ran over to my bank to make a deposit, and ran into this girl from that clique in high school. I noticed her, but just pretended not to see her while I waiting in line. She waited for me outside, and approached me.

3. Did they simply put it very short and simple (such as "Hey, sorry" or "Sorry for picking on you" or some similar very short and unemotional response)? Or did they give a more fuller and sincere, emotional, and truly contrite apology to you (even profusely apologizing and beating up on or castigating themselves, for instance)? Were they rather calm and dispassionate about it (even seemng to not care too much but just paying their misdeeds lip service) or did they seem genuinely sad or even weep or shed any tears about it?

She said that for several years she's been thinking about how awful she had been toward me, when I'd never done anything to her. She said it made her sick that she was more concerned with being "cool" to this group than about being a good person. She remembered how we used to be friendly since childhood, and she couldn't believe how she had been so mean to me during that year in high school. She said she's so glad she ran into me, and didn't expect me to even speak to her, but she had to say she was sorry.

4. Did they try to explain themselves and what motivated them or what made them be that kind of person? Or was it simply "Hey, sorry" or "I'm sorry" or "I'm so sorry"?

Not really, she just said "I know I was wrong, and I have no excuse for it."

5. And how did you take their seeking you out to reach out to you or coming across you and taking it upon themselves to approach you to make amends with you? Or did you come across them somehow or someplace out there in the world and confront them and then, at that point, they responded with an apology? However it happened, did you deem their apology to be genuine and heartfelt or not and to what degree? And did you genuinely accept their apology or amends or not? And how did their apologizing to you in the way that they did affect your present and future feelings toward and thoughts about them?

I believed her to be sincere. She could have easily pretended not to see me, and I had been living away at school, so it was really pure chance that we saw each other. She also didn't try to offer excuses, but just owned that it was wrong, and that 5 years later, she still felt ashamed of herself.

6. And did they offer to make any kind of amends to you to make it up to you (beyond them merely saying "I'm sorry")?

No, though she did offer me a ride home, which I politely declined. I told her I really appreciated her telling me all that, and that I accepted her apology.
Wow, after all these years, typing that story brought tears to my eyes. I hadn't thought about it in a long time. Some of the other girls from my former clique are now my facebook friends, but if we had any contact, it was just about grade school memories, and early high school, but we ignore that difficult time period. This girl was the only one who made a point to apologize to me, and it meant a lot. My high school memories have always been colored by that one very bad year when I felt I had very few friends.

Last edited by Tracysherm; 04-21-2014 at 03:57 PM..
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-21-2014, 03:21 PM
 
13,678 posts, read 13,598,122 times
Reputation: 39893
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashley868 View Post
None of my bullies have ever apologized, and I doubt they will. When I was in seventh grade, I got bullied quite a bit. So being an idiot, I started bullying a girl who was an ex friend. Our friendship didn't end badly or anything. It's just we ended up being in different classes the year before and so our friendship just kind of drifted apart. The problem was, I knew she was a shy quiet girl like me and so I used it to my advantage to hurt her. It was something I regretted doing while I was doing (I still don't why to this day I did it when I was getting bullied myself) it and something I regretted for years after. She ended up moving away. She added me to Facebook a few years ago, and I apologized for everything. She seemed to have no resentment for me though. She said she knew why I was doing it, and so she ignored it. It just shows what a good person she is to overlook that. I don't think I could really forgive any of my main torments. There are a few maybe, but not the group of girls who bullied me from seventh grade until even into our twenties. I've moved since then to a new city. But I go back to visit family sometimes, and if one of them sees me they will still make a rude comment. I don't get why. I was a shy quiet girl who barely talked to them, but they really seem to hate me.
I was kind of the same way. I never systematically bullied anyone, but I know I lashed out at people who were lower than me in the high-school hierarchy from time to time. When all around you people treat that behavior as "just the way it is" it's easy to fall into that pattern too. I don't think I ever did any real emotional damage to anyone, but I know I was not at my best back then. I was treading water back then - and any time I needed a boost to keep from drowning, I'd step on whoever was the closest. But most of my classmates did the same too. Still, I sometimes cringe when I remember some of that stuff.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 04:51 PM
Status: "I hate living in Georgia!!" (set 13 days ago)
 
48,186 posts, read 45,495,400 times
Reputation: 15339
My own story. I got bullied alot in middle school and high school. I was short, thin, nerdy, and in some cases, some persons lashed at me with racism(I'm Black). I remember alot of incidents that took place. As a teenager I could be very depressive and prone to lashing out. Among the bullies I remember, 3 persons have apologized to me for what they did. Two guys and a girl.

The woman who apologized, well, she was a meaner version of Lisa Turtle(Saved By The Bell reference). She played a very ugly joke on me in class, within view of the teacher. She placed what appeared to be a dirty tampon on my desk. A few kids laughed. A few years later, she found me on facebook, and apologized to me about her behavior towards me. She admitted how immature she was being. The irony is that I ran into another person, who was one of her associates back then. That woman had a bit of a laugh about it, but the woman who actually perpetrated the ugly joke apologized for it.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 05:29 PM
 
1,950 posts, read 908,049 times
Reputation: 1770
The bully can never really get away from the feeling of power over his victim. As hard as it may sound, if the bully does show repentance and say sorry afterwards, then it is again an extension of that perceived power. They needed that person before to gain a sense of superiority and now they use that person again to explore a sense of compassion within themselves. Lets not forget the bully is a special breed. They can never truly get away from the rush they get from putting down or preying on those perceived weaker than themselves.
The best course of action with an bully is the tried and tested option of taking that stand against them. Whether that is contacting an authority figure or HR dept. in school or work etc. to outline what is happening. Most often the bully, themselves no stranger to feelings of inferiority, will surely back down. If the bullying continues , the victim should always understand that there is help available. The only obstacle being themselves and usually a desire to believe nothing really bad is happening and a state of denial that comes along with it.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 05:33 PM
 
2,415 posts, read 2,426,283 times
Reputation: 2854
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
Never a true bully - but a girl I went to high school with...she was the Miss It back in the day. Perfect 80s hair, cheerleader the school revolved around her basically. However, she was never mean...if you weren't in her circle, she pretty much ignored you other than to say hello if you said it first...but there was no bullying or mean comments like many of the other girls in her clique.

She found me on facebook a couple of years back and apologized for anything that she may have done to hurt me back then and she shouldn't have been more friendly to everyone. I was honest with her, she may have ignored me, but she wasn't a bully and I had no hard feelings about her. We do talk from time to time on facebook, and had a drink together when I ran into her when I went back home for a visit.

The real bullies wouldn't even think about apologizing.

Perhaps it could be said that she chose to wear a "scarlet letter" around her neck for her perceived wrongdoings against you. (note: Just meant as a pun, ScarletG )


(Definition of "scarlet letter" [with the term originally derived from the novel "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne]: A scarlet letter is something that informs others of your flaws, weaknesses or wrongdoings, so that you can be shunned for such characteristics or misdeeds. It is worn by the person on their person as a sort of "badge of dishonor".)
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 05:47 PM
 
2,415 posts, read 2,426,283 times
Reputation: 2854
Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
Wow, after all these years, typing that story brought tears to my eyes. I hadn't thought about it in a long time. Some of the other girls from my former clique are now my facebook friends, but if we had any contact, it was just about grade school memories, and early high school, but we ignore that difficult time period. This girl was the only one who made a point to apologize to me, and it meant a lot. My high school memories have always been colored by that one very bad year when I felt I had very few friends.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story here!

I wonder if it is the case for at least some apologizers that they take it upon themselves to do so because, in the times since their bullying or tormenting of you, they themselves had been bullied or tormented or mistreated or abused or assaulted or brutalized or whatever (however many number of times since knowing you & however seriously they were wronged by others themselves since knowing you) and it shook them to their senses and made them get in touch with their basic humanity and therefore to empathize with you and feel shame, remorse or even grief at what they had subjected you or others to in past times.

Or perhaps some of them have children now and then they see how their own children are abused or tormented by others or they just simply love and think about the welfare of their own children day-to-day (wishing and hoping that all is well with their own children each and every day) and THEN it gets them to think about themselves being wrongdoers to others in their past and it awakens their own moral conscience that was previously suppressed or subsumed by them.

In other words, these examples above expressed by myself may possibly be motivators for at least some of them as to what exactly triggers their motivation to think about you and how they'd been with you or others whom they have wronged. That is, these triggers awaken a sense of empathy that was otherwise subsumed or covered over since the events with you and only brought to the surface by the above-mentioned motivators (i.e., that they needed to be wronged or abused or brutalized themselves to get them to think about and take to heart the wrongs of their own past misdeeds . . . or they needed to have other persons such as family members or relatives or friends or valued associates or co-workers that they either love or have other positive feelings towards to be wronged in similar ways to get them to think about and see the wrongs of their own past misdeeds).

Last edited by UsAll; 04-21-2014 at 06:07 PM..
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 05:57 PM
 
Location: Squirrel Hill PA
1,967 posts, read 1,878,254 times
Reputation: 3997
I did have someone from High School track me down on Facebook a few years ago ad apologize. I accepted her apology ad moved on. Actually I had already moved on. I fact I really don't remember anything specific about the person. I experienced quite a lot of severe bullying throughout my childhood because I came from an impoverished family and very introverted. I let go of that and other things years ago. I am in a great place and have a great life and friends now. The past is just the past. It is a part of what made me who I am today and I like who I am.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 06:59 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,872 posts, read 13,554,924 times
Reputation: 29033
At my 10th high school reunion I had an interesting conversation with one of the class "cool guys," let's call him Joe. He asked me if I knew the whereabouts of one of our fellow classmates, let's call him Mike. But I had no idea what had happened to Mike. Joe said he had come to the reunion for one reason only and that was to apologize to Mike. I asked him why. He said that he felt he had treated Mike poorly when we were classmates and he wanted to make amends to him in person. He said a friend of his who was also in attendance wanted to join in the apology.

I was surprised. I was aware that Mike, who was a rather geeky-looking guy who always knocked himself out inappropriately seeking attention and approval from teachers and administrators, was looked upon with a certain amount of scorn by most of the kids. But to my knowledge it didn't even amount to some of the horror stories we hear about these days called "bullying." That said, perhaps things happened I didn't know about. And no kid deserves any kind of bullying, although I do think Mike could have used some counseling or something because his behavior was strange in addition to the attention-seeking. But something must have happened to cause Joe guilt and he seemed very sincere in wanting to redress whatever wrong he had done. So, yes, to answer the OP, those people DO exist.

Thinking about it, I wonder what kind of environment Mike was raised in. He appeared to have every material thing a kid needs, but looking back as an adult, it occurs to me he might have had bad parenting of some kind. By today's standards, he might also have been on the autism spectrum, as I remember him with many of the characteristics one associates today with Asperger's Syndrome. Having attended public school long before the word "autism" was in public usage, I can think of several kids in my school I'd bet anything would be diagnosed that way today.

I'm truly sorry for Mike if he was bullied, but I also feel bad for people who might want to extend a hand to him today who cannot. Mike no doubt has bad memories of high school and some of his classmates have guilt. You would think that with the more sophisticated and knowledgeable views we have today about school kids with emotional problems, there would be less bullying today rather than more. But I honestly can't think of anything I observed in school that was at the level of meanness you hear about these days. And I wasn't in the in-crowd, so I was just as likely to know the nerds as any tormenters they might have had.

The sense of entitlement and narcissism some kids exhibit today probably calls for counseling as much as those who have self-esteem issues or obvious behavior problems. But what are the chances the parents of today's top dogs think their kids could possibly be badly behaved? Just look at the comments left here when a bullied kid breaks and causes harm at his or her school. People call for them to be punished to the fullest extent of the law with very few asking what might have happened to make them the way they turned out.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 07:01 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,142,831 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by UsAll View Post
Perhaps it could be said that she chose to wear a "scarlet letter" around her neck for her perceived wrongdoings against you. (note: Just meant as a pun, ScarletG )


(Definition of "scarlet letter" [with the term originally derived from the novel "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne]: A scarlet letter is something that informs others of your flaws, weaknesses or wrongdoings, so that you can be shunned for such characteristics or misdeeds. It is worn by the person on their person as a sort of "badge of dishonor".)
I did pass 9th grade english...I know the term Scarlet Letter.

However, in her case, I think she just grew up, went through some issues in her own life and is deep down a nice person. The real bullies really have no clue they hurt anyone....it just doesn't register for them.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 07:32 PM
LLN
 
Location: Upstairs closet
4,981 posts, read 8,749,431 times
Reputation: 6451
I had a girl with whom I had been madly in love during college, and who dismissed me with disdain,tell me , tearfully, she was sorry she never gave us a chance. And on and on about I was the best thing, etc.

Of course, her husband was doing hard time, and at the time, I was rolling high!
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top