U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-21-2014, 07:44 PM
 
32,532 posts, read 30,573,823 times
Reputation: 32341

Advertisements

Only one. A girl who worked very hard to make every day my own personal hell in junior high school sat down next to me on the bus on the last day of school. She looked at me and said, "I wish we'd been friends. You're really not so bad after all."

I thought, "Well, gee. Thanks for noticing."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-21-2014, 07:48 PM
 
2,411 posts, read 2,410,961 times
Reputation: 2835
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post
At my 10th high school reunion I had an interesting conversation with one of the class "cool guys," let's call him Joe. He asked me if I knew the whereabouts of one of our fellow classmates, let's call him Mike. But I had no idea what had happened to Mike. Joe said he had come to the reunion for one reason only and that was to apologize to Mike. I asked him why. He said that he felt he had treated Mike poorly when we were classmates and he wanted to make amends to him in person. He said a friend of his who was also in attendance wanted to join in the apology.

I was surprised. I was aware that Mike, who was a rather geeky-looking guy who always knocked himself out inappropriately seeking attention and approval from teachers and administrators, was looked upon with a certain amount of scorn by most of the kids. But to my knowledge it didn't even amount to some of the horror stories we hear about these days called "bullying." That said, perhaps things happened I didn't know about. And no kid deserves any kind of bullying, although I do think Mike could have used some counseling or something because his behavior was strange in addition to the attention-seeking. But something must have happened to cause Joe guilt and he seemed very sincere in wanting to redress whatever wrong he had done. So, yes, to answer the OP, those people DO exist.

Thinking about it, I wonder what kind of environment Mike was raised in. He appeared to have every material thing a kid needs, but looking back as an adult, it occurs to me he might have had bad parenting of some kind. By today's standards, he might also have been on the autism spectrum, as I remember him with many of the characteristics one associates today with Asperger's Syndrome. Having attended public school long before the word "autism" was in public usage, I can think of several kids in my school I'd bet anything would be diagnosed that way today.

I'm truly sorry for Mike if he was bullied, but I also feel bad for people who might want to extend a hand to him today who cannot. Mike no doubt has bad memories of high school and some of his classmates have guilt. You would think that with the more sophisticated and knowledgeable views we have today about school kids with emotional problems, there would be less bullying today rather than more. But I honestly can't think of anything I observed in school that was at the level of meanness you hear about these days. And I wasn't in the in-crowd, so I was just as likely to know the nerds as any tormenters they might have had.

The sense of entitlement and narcissism some kids exhibit today probably calls for counseling as much as those who have self-esteem issues or obvious behavior problems. But what are the chances the parents of today's top dogs think their kids could possibly be badly behaved? Just look at the comments left here when a bullied kid breaks and causes harm at his or her school. People call for them to be punished to the fullest extent of the law with very few asking what might have happened to make them the way they turned out.

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful and insightful comments on this matter.

Yes, quite so (i.e., as to your statement that a goodly number of persons who were subject to varying forms of bullying or derision by others could likely be deemed to be characteristic of someone with Asperger's Syndrome . . . which, for those who don't know, is what is referred to as "high-functional autism"). I happen to have a degree in psychology (though I ultimately pursued a different career path in the longer run, but have always maintained interest in these areas).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 07:52 PM
 
Location: Between West Chester and Chester, PA
2,586 posts, read 2,288,414 times
Reputation: 4361
The bullies from my past have never contacted me to apologize. It's mainly because I stopped being their target and made them my target. The only way to stop a bully from being a bully is to stand up to them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 08:17 PM
 
2,411 posts, read 2,410,961 times
Reputation: 2835
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
I did pass 9th grade english...I know the term Scarlet Letter.

However, in her case, I think she just grew up, went through some issues in her own life and is deep down a nice person. The real bullies really have no clue they hurt anyone....it just doesn't register for them.

Just posting the definition of "Scarlet Letter" for the benefit of those other readers of this thread who don't know what it means . . . not assuming that you yourself didn't know (chances are that you yourself did know already and this pun or a similar variant of it may, in fact, have even been presented to you by someone else in the past because of your name being "Scarlet").

================================================== ===============

As to your quote "The real bullies really have no clue they hurt anyone....it just doesn't register for them" (and, in a earlier posting of yours, you'd said "The real bullies wouldn't even think about apologizing"):

Yes, agreed. And they may justifiably be described as some type of "sociopath". In the course of studies for my psychology degree, the definition I was taught about what constitutes a "sociopath" (versus a "psychopath")-- though the two terms are often used interchangeably by laypersons and even by some mental health professionals yet they have somewhat different connotations, depending on in what context one uses the term --is that a true "sociopath" does know what society-at-large deems to be right vs. wrong & yet they consciously and willfully choose to perpetuate "wrong" anyway because it pleases or fufills them. Whereas a so-called "psychopath", in contrast, has physical or organic brain damage or deficit or developmental challenges that have rendered them rather incapable of telling reality from unreality and, in this case, wholly grasping the concept and practice of "right vs. wrong". For instance, for someone who has been a heavy-alcoholic for years, a goodly number of them eventually develop "Korsakoff's syndrome", whereby the very-heavy and persistent alcohol consumption over the course of time has physiologically debilitated or destroyed portions of their brain such as the brain centers for higher cognitive function and/or for impulse control and so on. So their brains have been rendered "incapable" to whatever extent and, in a court of law, such a person could be ruled as "innocent by reason of insanity."

Yet a "sociopath", in contrast, is not insane nor out-of-touch with reality and can function independently in this world. They just willfully and consciously choose to do "wrong" because they lack empathy and can be colloquially termed what we call "evil" (i.e., willfully and consciously choosing to do & perpetuate wrongful deeds). Of course, there ARE some who do wrongful deeds because of a well-entrenched sense of narcissism (perhaps even possibly being characteristic of so-called "Narcissistic Personality Disorder") but that is not necessarily the same as someone being an out-and-out "psychopath". And they may or may not grow out of that narcissistic character over whatever course of time, depending on how deeply entrenched it is in them. Yet some of them (for example, what you termed "the real bullies") just seem hopeless and unredeemable in this regard. They make a way-of-life out of manifesting this type of character in life-at-large.

Last edited by UsAll; 04-21-2014 at 08:36 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 09:26 PM
 
1,242 posts, read 1,250,455 times
Reputation: 3643
Quote:
Originally Posted by TracySam View Post
Wow, after all these years, typing that story brought tears to my eyes. I hadn't thought about it in a long time. Some of the other girls from my former clique are now my facebook friends, but if we had any contact, it was just about grade school memories, and early high school, but we ignore that difficult time period. This girl was the only one who made a point to apologize to me, and it meant a lot. My high school memories have always been colored by that one very bad year when I felt I had very few friends.

Thanks for sharing that. I admit to bulling a few people during high school. For the most part I always stuck up for the underdogs and found a home with them, however I remember two distinct people I picked on and feel very ashamed. I remember feeling embarrassed as I was doing it and I can't even say why, I wish I could say sorry but we moved a few times each year and I don't even remember their names or the schools they went to. Anyhow, I think of them occasionally especially now that I have a teenager and hope that life worked out for them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 09:58 PM
 
2,575 posts, read 4,677,944 times
Reputation: 6373
For three or four years in elementary school, two older boys who lived down the street used to chase me home after school with switchblades (I'm female). They would hide at various points on the route home so I never knew if, when, or where they would appear. I was totally stressed out about walking home from school for years, and when my mother complained to their mothers, one of them laughed in my mother's face and called me a liar. Three of the four boys in that family eventually went to prison for various crimes as young adults.

Frankly, if either of them tried to apologize to me, I'd give them the middle finger and a big F-U. Because there's no way I would allow them to feel better about themselves after what they did to me. There are many small things I forgive very easily, but not making me fear for my physical safety.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 10:12 PM
 
Location: DFW - Coppell / Las Colinas
31,826 posts, read 36,486,800 times
Reputation: 38286
In Junior High there was a mentally and physically handicapped boy who was picked on quite a lot by all the kids. He was different, could barely communicate and we had never been around a boy like him. Kids like him were usually not in public schools at that time.

After all these years I'd love to apologize, not so much for the way I treated him but the way everyone treated him.

You know, in life there are 4-5 people I'd like to tell I regret the hurt that happened. Not due to Bullying but just the way life went.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 10:14 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,577 posts, read 74,459,549 times
Reputation: 48026
no it has not happened but if it did i am happy for them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 10:36 PM
 
Location: SLC, UT
1,571 posts, read 2,278,513 times
Reputation: 3848
Once a guy apologized a few years later. I thought it was weird, though, because my instant reaction whenever someone tried to bully me was to turn it around on them and make it worse (so they wouldn't do it again). I was mean to the guy. One day he actually swerved and went through a window instead of running into me, and then apologized for nearly running into me (this is after I made him cry). Later on when he apologized for being a "bully," I think he was probably just flirting, or trying to be manly.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-21-2014, 11:02 PM
 
2,411 posts, read 2,410,961 times
Reputation: 2835
Quote:
Originally Posted by ukiyo-e View Post
For three or four years in elementary school, two older boys who lived down the street used to chase me home after school with switchblades (I'm female). They would hide at various points on the route home so I never knew if, when, or where they would appear. I was totally stressed out about walking home from school for years, and when my mother complained to their mothers, one of them laughed in my mother's face and called me a liar. Three of the four boys in that family eventually went to prison for various crimes as young adults.

Frankly, if either of them tried to apologize to me, I'd give them the middle finger and a big F-U. Because there's no way I would allow them to feel better about themselves after what they did to me. There are many small things I forgive very easily, but not making me fear for my physical safety.
I wholly agree. One of the prices of committing grievous wrongs against another (such as what you described) is that the perpetrators run the risk of always being thought of in an unfavorable light and never being able to redeem themselves in the other person's eyes and mind. That is, when you just cross over the line too much in intensity or grievousness of wrongdoing and/or prepetuate such wrongdoings too often & over the course of time, you run the risk of "burning your bridges behind you".

Take the case of an Austrian man named Josef Fritzl who, in 2008, was found to have held his daughter Elizabeth Fritzl captive as a sexual slave for 28 years from her ages 18 through 42 in a concealed corridor part of the basement area of the large family house in Austria (and, prior to this, from her ages 11 through 18, would molest and rape her from time to time in his home above the basement). His daughter is free now (since 2008 when she was age 42) and Josef Fritzl was given life imprisonment at age 73. Note that the abuse by her father resulted in the birth of seven children and one miscarriage; four of the children joined their mother in captivity, and three were raised by Josef and Rosemarie Fritzl and reported as foundlings. Note that, upon seeing his daughter unexpectedly appear in court in disguise during the second day of proceedings of the charges against him and after the court at-large watched an 11-hour video testimony of hers to the police about what he did to her and the children he fathered with her, afterwards he recognized her sitting in the courtroom, his eyes met with hers, and he went pale and broke down . . . and, the next day, Fritzl began the proceedings by approaching the judge and changing his pleas to guilty on all charges.

Now, after what he had done to her (and to the children he fathered by her and the one extra baby child he cremated in the basement furnace after it went very ill), if he sought "forgiveness" from her, is he meriting of true forgiveness from her? He has severely psychologically traumatized and scarred her for life and damaged her physically (and the seven children as well) and he would expect a pat on the back after his "tears of contriteness" and to have said to him "Oh, it's all ok, I understand. Forget about it."? No, some crimes are just unforgiveable.

Now, some would say "Well, they were children in elementary school at the time and children don't have fully-formed minds yet" and yet your perpetrators grew into adulthood to be practicing sociopaths/criminals who are now in prison. Gee, what a surprise . . . . . . NOT!

Last edited by UsAll; 04-21-2014 at 11:28 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:24 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top