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Old 04-22-2014, 10:54 AM
 
Location: Plymouth Meeting, PA.
4,012 posts, read 2,057,349 times
Reputation: 1923

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I had one apologize to me a few years ago. I think he may have done it because of the twelve step program for Alchoholics.

Also, a girl I went to grade and high school with who was nasty and bullied me had the nerve to say to me on facebook that she was the one bullied.


Quote:
Originally Posted by UsAll View Post
Have you ever had a former bully or tormentor apologize to you at some later time?

That is, did you ever have some person(s) who used to subject you to verbal or physical bullying or tormenting (teasing, taunting, berating, belittling, et al) in whatever context and, at some later time in life (whether in the nearer time frame to your bullying or torment or at some later time in life), they either sought you out to apologize to you or unexpectedly saw you from a distance or crossed your path and came up to you directly to offer their sincere apologies or to otherwise make amends to you?


If so, please describe how it occurred, in what context or situation, and what transpired. Share whatever you'd be willing to share (whatever you share or don't share is up to you).


Such details can include, for instance:
1. In what way(s) were you bullied or tormented and by whom (i.e., what type of person was your bullier or tormentor, such as a classmate or next-door neighbor or a fellow neighborhood resident or a co-worker or a boss or supervisor or family member or relative or . . . . . ?

2. Did they, on their own initiative, try to find you and seek you out at some later time in life to make said apology? Or did they send you a letter or email to explain themselves or somehow get your phone number and call you (and how did they know where and how to find you in this manner)? Or did they run into you or come across you unexpectedly somewhere out there in the world and then come up to you to present themselves and apologize?

3. Did they simply put it very short and simple (such as "Hey, sorry" or "Sorry for picking on you" or some similar very short and unemotional response)? Or did they give a more fuller and sincere, emotional, and truly contrite apology to you (even profusely apologizing and beating up on or castigating themselves, for instance)? Were they rather calm and dispassionate about it (even seemng to not care too much but just paying their misdeeds lip service) or did they seem genuinely sad or even weep or shed any tears about it?

4. Did they try to explain themselves and what motivated them or what made them be that kind of person? Or was it simply "Hey, sorry" or "I'm sorry" or "I'm so sorry"?

5. And how did you take their seeking you out to reach out to you or coming across you and taking it upon themselves to approach you to make amends with you? Or did you come across them somehow or someplace out there in the world and confront them and then, at that point, they responded with an apology? However it happened, did you deem their apology to be genuine and heartfelt or not and to what degree? And did you genuinely accept their apology or amends or not? And how did their apologizing to you in the way that they did affect your present and future feelings toward and thoughts about them?

6. And did they offer to make any kind of amends to you to make it up to you (beyond them merely saying "I'm sorry")?
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Old 04-22-2014, 11:49 AM
 
Location: US
77 posts, read 84,621 times
Reputation: 261
Apologize? The tiny-minded, small-town imbeciles who simply could not get through the day without yelling insults, throwing things, sticking stuff to/ drawing on my locker, spreading rumors, and other such intellectual feats?

Ahhh... thanks for the laugh. In this case, at least, that's giving humanity WAY too much credit.

What's also funny is that when I do encounter someone I went to school with-- even someone who wasn't a jerk-- they nearly always take on this horrified stare, as if I'm coming at 'em with an axe in each hand. Maybe because I visibly have my shiznit more together and have lost the "doormat" patina... who knows? I gave up trying to understand why years ago. Now I just coolly look them right in the eyes (something I couldn't do back in the day), just for a second, then get on with my life.

Occasionally I run into one who, incredibly, still thinks that I'll put up with their moronic attitude after all these years. Thanks to my abusive father being long dead and shedding most of my "goody-goody"/ socially-clueless traits, that is no longer tolerated. The stunned expressions when they learn this are priceless, and oh so empowering...
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Old 04-22-2014, 12:18 PM
 
2,538 posts, read 4,031,765 times
Reputation: 3334
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
Never a true bully - but a girl I went to high school with...she was the Miss It back in the day. Perfect 80s hair, cheerleader the school revolved around her basically. However, she was never mean...if you weren't in her circle, she pretty much ignored you other than to say hello if you said it first...but there was no bullying or mean comments like many of the other girls in her clique.

She found me on facebook a couple of years back and apologized for anything that she may have done to hurt me back then and she shouldn't have been more friendly to everyone. I was honest with her, she may have ignored me, but she wasn't a bully and I had no hard feelings about her. We do talk from time to time on facebook, and had a drink together when I ran into her when I went back home for a visit.

The real bullies wouldn't even think about apologizing.
Weird, I was about to post a similar story. Out of the blue one of the pretty but often nasty girls from my high school posted a vast apology for her rude and generally b****y behavior in her teen years. She said it wasn't till she had children that she realized how nasty kids could be, and she recognized that she was guilty of some the worst behavior. I guess to some extent all kids had someone they were less than nice to as a child, but the bullies are the ones who went out of their way to target people.
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Old 04-22-2014, 12:22 PM
 
Location: USA
7,478 posts, read 5,789,309 times
Reputation: 12322
Quote:
Originally Posted by jane_sm1th73 View Post
If you are hoping for self-awareness or contrition, you are wasting your time. Narcissists will never, ever change - what they are is hard-wired and it works for them. So, the short answer is NO. And I'm not holding my breath.
Precisely.

Sociopaths don't change. I fully expect that most of the bullies I knew growing up are now sociopath "leaders" and managers who will continue to enjoy tormenting others every day of their lives.
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Old 04-22-2014, 02:28 PM
 
Location: Sunny Bay Area, CA
1,566 posts, read 1,782,299 times
Reputation: 3250
My story's a little different - I wasn't really bullied, but there was a guy who went to my jr. high and he tormented me very frequently. In a sexual type way. I was very scared of him and he made me feel soooo uncomfortable every day. Constantly making comments of a sexual nature, trying to touch me, the works. It was awful for me. I was scared enough of boys as it was, had no desire whatsoever for a boyfriend, and here was this kid pawing at me all the time. I remember at one point the teacher got involved, but for the most part I suffered in silence. I never told my own parents, because I was the type of kid to keep things bottled up.

Anyways, he went to a different high school and I remember being so relieved that he was gone. Stopped thinking of him after a while, and then once in a great while he'd pop up in my mind but I'd just write him off. Then I'd think about all the things he did and wish I had told my parents!

I was contacted by him just last year on Facebook. He asked if I remembered him (like I'd ever forget that name ~ shudders) and then said he's really sorry for the way he treated me. He said he had a huge crush on me and "didn't know how to handle it". I forgave him. We don't really keep in contact but I did see that he recently got married and now has a little baby girl. I really hope someone doesn't treat his daughter someday the way he treated me.

In reflection, I really do appreciate him apologizing and acknowledging his dreadful behavior because at the time it was really bothersome to me. I choose to believe it was sincere.
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Old 04-22-2014, 03:38 PM
 
1,949 posts, read 907,073 times
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True story for everyone. My brother throughout high school was tormented by possibly the worst type of bully out there , that being the psychological kind. From what I was told and now believe the bully was on a concerted effort to interfere in every way with my brothers personal growth and development in school. Some examples are the following. At our school, we had sort of a school diary where we would include our hobbies , likes and dislikes etc. In the section where friends were listed , all members of that class were mentioned , everybody except my brother. This bully would taunt my brother at will and play mind games always with the intent of isolating or hurting him. This went for 4 or 5 years. Needless to say the bully through lack of focus failed all of this exams and left the school with nothing to show for his time there. My brother went on to college and I believe was so motivated to prove this bully wrong, that he acquired a top notch business degree for himself and secured a consultant job in Silicon Valley.
Now fast forward 15 years and a chance meeting took place between my brother and the bully. The bully extended his hand to shake and greeted my brother by his first name. My brother coolly did not extend his hand in return. So, the bully visibly shaken by the initial response launches into small talk about fellow classmates from the past. They chatted a little and at that point our bully friend was by all accounts quivering as he spoke and a paleness filled his face. My brother next mentions to him that you were a bully in school and nobody likes a bully. He replies that people change ...people change. Rightly I believe, my brother reminds him again that he is a bully and nobody likes a bully. A silence descends between them , my brothers sees he is visibly shaking and he bids him farewell.
What I believe was important for my brother to maintain during this time was a sense of composure and control of his own emotions. He assumed an authoritative role in the situation and gave the bully more to think about his conduct in the past. Had my brother let the bully dictate the proceedings, I generally think the bully would regain that feeling of superiority over his victim yet again. When told in detail of this encounter , I applauded my brother for what he did and how be conducted himself throughout.
Again any bully is driven by a need to attain control , whereas the victim must for themselves and in some ways for the sake of the bully disrupt that cycle of power.
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Old 04-22-2014, 08:05 PM
 
2,415 posts, read 2,424,856 times
Reputation: 2854
Quote:
Originally Posted by FKD19124 View Post
I had one apologize to me a few years ago. I think he may have done it because of the twelve step program for Alchoholics.

Also, a girl I went to grade and high school with who was nasty and bullied me had the nerve to say to me on facebook that she was the one bullied.

Now that goes beyond her simply being a narcissist to full-blown Narcissictic Personality Disorder (NPD) on her part. Wholly oblivious to the hurt she causes and, in fact, she turns the tables and projects the blame for it all back to you.

The most useful description thus far I have seen of this disorder and its telltale characteristics was on the Mayo Clinic website (I even copied-and-pasted the entire article into a new document to save it for myself).
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Old 04-22-2014, 08:17 PM
 
2,415 posts, read 2,424,856 times
Reputation: 2854
Quote:
Originally Posted by scirocco View Post
True story for everyone. My brother throughout high school was tormented by possibly the worst type of bully out there , that being the psychological kind. From what I was told and now believe the bully was on a concerted effort to interfere in every way with my brothers personal growth and development in school. Some examples are the following. At our school, we had sort of a school diary where we would include our hobbies , likes and dislikes etc. In the section where friends were listed , all members of that class were mentioned , everybody except my brother. This bully would taunt my brother at will and play mind games always with the intent of isolating or hurting him. This went for 4 or 5 years. Needless to say the bully through lack of focus failed all of this exams and left the school with nothing to show for his time there. My brother went on to college and I believe was so motivated to prove this bully wrong, that he acquired a top notch business degree for himself and secured a consultant job in Silicon Valley.
Now fast forward 15 years and a chance meeting took place between my brother and the bully. The bully extended his hand to shake and greeted my brother by his first name. My brother coolly did not extend his hand in return. So, the bully visibly shaken by the initial response launches into small talk about fellow classmates from the past. They chatted a little and at that point our bully friend was by all accounts quivering as he spoke and a paleness filled his face. My brother next mentions to him that you were a bully in school and nobody likes a bully. He replies that people change ...people change. Rightly I believe, my brother reminds him again that he is a bully and nobody likes a bully. A silence descends between them , my brothers sees he is visibly shaking and he bids him farewell.
What I believe was important for my brother to maintain during this time was a sense of composure and control of his own emotions. He assumed an authoritative role in the situation and gave the bully more to think about his conduct in the past. Had my brother let the bully dictate the proceedings, I generally think the bully would regain that feeling of superiority over his victim yet again. When told in detail of this encounter , I applauded my brother for what he did and how be conducted himself throughout.
Again any bully is driven by a need to attain control , whereas the victim must for themselves and in some ways for the sake of the bully disrupt that cycle of power.

I wish it was always this kind of final outcome for the two different parties involved. That is, with the former tormentor winding up as a washed-up nothing & a nobody in life and the former tormented winding up succeeding in life at-large (career, marriage, fulfilling friendships & relationships, etc.) and moving on with their strength and dignity intact. If only that were the rule or pattern for how it ALWAYS turns out. Unfortunately, it doesn't always turn out that way for everyone (as we all know).
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Old 04-22-2014, 08:27 PM
 
635 posts, read 692,556 times
Reputation: 818
Nope.

The jerks actually greet me and want to hug me when they see me. There have been times when they acknowledge me before I even see them.

With the popularity of Facebook, I have had the undesired pleasure to have these creeps request me as their 'friend.' I know what they want- to be nosy. One woman had the nerve to request me as her 'friend' only for me to deny/ignore her request. Tell me why she confronted me about it...at a baby shower.
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Old 04-23-2014, 12:05 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,515 posts, read 8,762,464 times
Reputation: 12192
Yes, after I retaliated.
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