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This is such a timely topic for me, because my husband and I were having this conversation last night.
We're both 30, and will be married for 5 years this year. My parents and his parents have held off on the "When are you having kids?" question, but everyone else pretty much thinks it's fair game. On the one hand, I suppose I get it -- after 5 years, you might expect that a kid would be coming along if it's going to. On the other, this question is extremely annoying.
Anyway, we haven't had kids yet because we haven't felt ready and if we're being honest with ourselves, just plain do not want them around yet. We like our lives, we like our traveling and our dinners out and our time with each other, and neither of us feel that a baby would enrich our lives...at this point. Last night, we talked about timelines in general and also -- what would happen if neither of us ever felt ready? Or, like some friends of ours, we don't feel ready until 10 years from now and then are unable to conceive?
The thing is, I'm an only child, so if I don't have kids, my parents will not be grandparents to anything other than our pets. It's not like they would love us any less for it, but that does weigh on me somewhat. But of course, I do know that this in itself is not near enough of a reason to have kids.
I still haven't actually answered the question, just unloaded some of my own issues! Simply -- no, it's not selfish. Just like it isn't selfish to have children if you know you want them and are able to properly care for them. There's so much gray area, though -- I feel like some people have kids because of some sense of "duty" or what they "should" do, when perhaps they don't really want them. That is selfish. I feel that if you're on the fence about having kids versus not having kids, then you shouldn't have them until/unless you get to a point where you know you want them.
I would rather be 50 and regret the kids I didn't have versus having a couple kids only to realize I wasn't cut out to be a parent at all.
I would rather be 50 and regret the kids I didn't have versus having a couple kids only to realize I wasn't cut out to be a parent at all.
And this is an excellent summary of the pros and cons in this entire debate!
Those who didn't have children, and later regret their decision, could (1) adopt, or (2) take solace in the fact that the only persons adversely affected are those already living. Those who did have children, but later regret it, (1) can't "undo" their actions, and (2) adversely affected not only those who would have been already living, but the new life created (namely, the children).
It's true that there would be no families if there were no children. But why limit ourselves to biological families? What makes our blood relatives special, save for the bias of blood? One rarely hears advocacy for adoption or for greater civic activism, from those who so adamantly extol having kids. I gather that it has less to do with contributing to the community, than through the assumed imperative of propagating one's one genes, one's own family's blood-legacy. And that, to me, is the very definition of selfishness!
You have it wrong. People who have children aren't interested in a legacy. They are interested in love of family.
Those who chose to not have a family usually are too into themselves to share anything.
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Originally Posted by 30to66at55
And this is a perfect example of why people who have children see the selfishness in those that don't(or better, wont)
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Originally Posted by 30to66at55
Nothing like speaking the truth about selfishness to get all you barren people in a dither.
Hold on, buddy. I'm a mother to a beloved daughter and I don't think that people who choose to be childfree are selfish. How can you "share anything" with someone who doesn't exist? If a parent ate all the food and spent the money on himself while his child went without, that would be selfish. But making a conscious choice to not have children is not selfish in the least.
Please do not try to speak for all "people who have children" because you can't.
It's not selfish at all. What is selfish is too be with a person who want's kids and string them along. What is even more selfish is too be 100% honest with a woman that want's kids by telling her you do not want children at all.
THEN she get's pregnant, AFTER she told you that her Doctor has informed her that there is a 99% chance she will be unable to become pregnant, she should look in to adoption or freezing her eggs so and find a surrogate and don't bother with birth control anymore because if u can't get preggo then why be on it. That's how it was presented to me anyway. I love my kid, but i'm still not over that deception.
It's not selfish at all. What is selfish is too be with a person who want's kids and string them along. What is even more selfish is too be 100% honest with a woman that want's kids by telling her you do not want children at all.
THEN she get's pregnant, AFTER she told you that her Doctor has informed her that there is a 99% chance she will be unable to become pregnant, she should look in to adoption or freezing her eggs so and find a surrogate and don't bother with birth control anymore because if u can't get preggo then why be on it. That's how it was presented to me anyway. I love my kid, but i'm still not over that deception.
It's only a deception if her doctor didn't tell her that and she lied about the whole thing, in which case she's a lying so and so and there are a lot more problems there.
A vasectomy or tubal litigation offers the same 99% odds, same as an IUD and even the pill is only 98% in best case and perfect circumstance usage.
In your case, if what she was told and told you is true, that's still a 1 in 100 chance of falling pregnant. Just because the odds are low, it doesn't mean it can't and doesn't happen. Deceptive or otherwise, you still took a bet on a 1 in 100 chance. I only wish the lottery odds were so low.
If I am understanding you correctly, no, having a baby is anything but a miracle. It's the well-known result of satisfying one of the two most basic human urges. Not a miracle.
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Originally Posted by Yellow Jacket
Yes and despite a few people who have damned me and told me that I would change my mind. I'm very happy with my decision. There is more to life for me than breeding. I'm still good friends with my surgeon and I send him a gift every Christmas.
Be careful nonetheless. My father had a vasectomy, and a few years later, I had a baby sister. And no, my mother wasn't sleeping with anyone else.
Yes, deciding to have children, or not, is a personal choice.
Some people realize that they don't have maternal or paternal instincts and rightly decide not to become parents. We've all heard stories about people with no parental instincts who have children and what sometimes happens to those poor kids.
That said, there is some truth to the concern about who will be there for you when you age, should you remain childless. My husband and I don't expect our daughter to care for us if we ever reach the point where we are incompetent. In fact, we've told her that if we do reach that point, she shouldn't hesitate to put us in nursing homes. This surprised her when we told her this (she was a teen at the time). I explained to her that she would have her own life and wouldn't need to be burdened with our care. Yet, it is good to know that there is someone around to notice if we are failing and will intervene.
Still, as others pointed out, there is no guarantee that your kids will be there when you age.
So, if you choose to remain childless or are estranged from your own kids, you need to make sure that there is someone who will be there for you as you age.
My great-aunt never had kids of her own. However, my mother, aunt and uncle always looked out for her as she aged. She was there for them when they were kids---especially when my grandmother was so ill that she was literally hospitalized for months. So, when my great-aunt aged, she knew that there were people looking out for her.
I have 2 friends who never married. Each has 2 siblings who also never married. Friend A is now 60 and has her 90-year old widowed mother living with her. Recently, Friend A decided to reconnect with her extended family on her mother's side, even moving across country to live nearby.
Friend B is in her late 50s, as is her younger sister. Friend B recently retired and her sister, who has physical problems, is on disability. The two of them got together and bought a house together.
I write all of this because while to many posting here, old age is a long way from happening. If you decide to remain childless, be sure to make long-term connections be they with family members or with good friends.
It's not selfish to not have children, many people who don't have children chose to give back to the world in other ways. Most people who have children have varying degrees of selfish motivations. Whether to have children, or not is a personal choice, and the only person who can judge the merits of that choice is you. 28 is far too young to know if one will ever have children.
Marry me please. I too have never had the desire or urge to have children. Like you, people have been telling me for years that I might change my mind in time, but, no, I really do not want children. I don't think it's selfish to decide not to have kids. Everyone has different needs and aspirations for their life. Sometimes there is no urge to raise a family because you'd rather focus on other things in life. That's not being selfish that's pursuing your life goals. For me, I have very strong career aspirations. I want to do the job I love and have loved since childhood. Having children would hinder me from reaching that goal (in my line of work that I want to break into at least).
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It's only a deception if her doctor didn't tell her that and she lied about the whole thing, in which case she's a lying so and so and there are a lot more problems there. 
