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Have you ever read about enneagram personality types. I don't know Mary other then what you posted but she sounds like a type 8. 8's like to be in charge and in control. When you challenged her, she took it as a threat. I know lots of 8's. They can be great people but some are more like bullies. I just thought I'd share as it may give you more insight into why she acts the way she does. I could be wrong though too as I don't know her. 8 - Enneagram Type Eight: The Challenger
just wanted to say, that was extremely interesting, thank you for the link
just wanted to say, that was extremely interesting, thank you for the link
Glad it was of interest. I've read a lot about enneagram types and I've found that it's very accurate and helpful in not only understanding others, but in understanding my own personality and motivations and how I relate to other types.
I have seen these exact dynamics crop up in girl groups time and time again. It's probably why I'm leery of getting myself involved in a group of girls. I prefer one to one or a very small group of girl friends. There is a lot of pressure to conform and fit in when in a group like the one you described. No thanks. Too much drama.
There are a lot of people who will hang out with those who they don't like, or who they talk about because they don't want to be alone. I know lots of people who do this, men and women.
I became aware of this "girl groups" thing in about 4th grade. Three friends and two of them always mad at the third one...for something. As an adult working in an office environment reinforced all that for me. I would get upset at the 'unfair' ways women treat one another. The gossip and mean stuff that went on, etc..
I became aware of this "girl groups" thing in about 4th grade. Three friends and two of them always mad at the third one...for something. As an adult working in an office environment reinforced all that for me. I would get upset at the 'unfair' ways women treat one another. The gossip and mean stuff that went on, etc..
I wonder why some women are like this and why some women are not like this. Some women are indeed petty, gossiping, trash talking fools. No doubt. Then, there are other women running 5k runs for breast cancer, volunteering at women's shelters, supporting their friends during tragedy like no other. There's definitely a line drawn in the sand there.
Generalized anxiety disorder (can't relax, overly talkative) & autism (no social skills guaranteed! & only child-like abilities in some areas) may be a couple conditions causing these problems. The best cure is still not legal in most places. You have my sympathy. Best wishes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
Not sure if some of you remember, but, here goes.....sorry, this is going to be long....
Every Friday Nite, a few of us girls would go out to eat together 5-6 of us. In the beginning we all had a blast, then slowly the honeymoon phase slowly started to be over...
(BTW, I wrote about this in another thread, and stopped going)
I'm extremely confident and can take a lot, however, one of the girls started becoming extremely hard to take, and the other girls noticed she was particularly hard on me, why I don't know?
Some examples..
1. Mary, She always needed a soapbox and took control of every conversation and if anyone disagreed with Mary, one of the other girls (Loretta) would immedately take her side, and Loretta was also very rude and had no social skills, she would interrupt conversations and go on and on and on....forever. LOL
2. One night we walked into a restaurant, and Mary, started giving the waitress her order, before we even sat down or got our coats off, we were all so embarressed.
3. If Mary doesn't agree with what someone else is saying, she'd interrupt and go, "No, see, I don't do that, and proceeded to hyjack the conversation away from the original speaker".
4. Mary would come to my house for dinner and constantly complain until I called her on it....like my dining chairs are always so heavy, I make to much food, but seldom said thank you for dinner.
5. If we all had a picnic together, Mary would go to the Dollar store, and buy a few cans of those cheap baked beans, and then bring them in a crock pot and said she doctored them, yet, everyone else would bake or make something? But always, always those stupid dollar store baked beans.
6. Last time I went to dinner with them, Mary really yelled at me, for something really stupid! I was happy remembering an event and sharing it with the group, saying, "the best ever key lime pie"....and of course, Mary interrupted and said, "I don't like Key Lime Pie," and I replied, "oh, boy, but you'd love this, it didn't taste at all like Key Lime Pie," and to my shock, Mary interrupted again and said with a very very angry look and response, "I DON'T LIKE KEY LIME PIE, I DON'T CARE WHERE IT CAME FROM, OR WHO MADE IT!" And I said, "boy whenever I'm happy and sharing a story, you sure know how to break someone's happy bubble!" And of course, the other girl, Loretta, chimes in, "I don't like Key Lime Pie either!"
7. Friday nights were always the girls night out, but when Mary's son came to visit, she would bring him along, instead of going with him alone and leaving us have our own time, and he was the only guy there?
8. Now my other two friends Evie & Blake, always say, they had enough when she started always talking about this guy she is seeing....however, I always say to them, "this didn't just start when she started dating him, this has been going on for a long long time, but you two didn't see it, before", and they didn't. But I'd notice how they'd all sit there including the other two gals that would come off and on, and never say a word, because Mary and Loretta monopolized the conversation....and I mean, they never said one word.
9. Mary had a dinner once, but had it on a time when I couldn't come, oh, yes, she invited me, but I was unable to come and she knew I wasn't able.
And on and on...
So, I stopped going, b/c it just wasn't fun any longer.... Yet, Evie & Blake never noticed, until Mary got her boyfriend and then of course, "he" is all she talked/bragged about...and that other woman Loretta, would of course, chime in.
Now the guy Mary is dating is a down right player, and the woman, Beth, he used to date, lives right in front of Mary and we were all affiliated with.
He ran around on Beth, with a woman Evie knows, and several others. He was a player, most of his life. So, whenever his name came up which was quit a bit, Mary would say, "Oh, I would never date him, I don't need a man that bad"....well, guess who she is now dating? Yup, Him...he lives right aside of her...
So, Evie and Blake went out with her and the other girl a few more times and then they couldn't deal with it any longer. Now Evie is a wonderful woman, very kind & giving, however, she allows people to walk all over her, take advantage of her, and wants to be friends with everyone. And I have no problem with that....I even say hello to Mary and Loretta when I see them but will not ever be with them again, unless they come to me and discuss the situation with me, and after all these months they have not.
So, it's been going very well, and Evie and Blake, both stopped going out with Mary and Loretta, and now the 3 or 4 of us, sometimes 5, we still go out on Friday nites.
Well, Evie, had tickets to sell to an area college musical....she asked me if I wanted to go, and honestly I wasn't interested.
So, she sells tickets to Mary and Blake, and Loretta, so now they are all going together.
I had asked Blake about going to a show in the city with me, however, she said she wasn't into musicals.
So, what would you do....Remember, Blake and Evie always talk about how much fun we all had before all this trouble started....and they said, they didn't like the way Mary was treating me...but apparently it doesn't matter...oh, and Blake....had a labor day picnic last year, and you should have heard her, she was furious and all nervous b/c Mary and Loretta was coming, but now, she's going to spend the evening with her?
And by the way, at that picnic, Mary was very rude to my sister?
So, I feel, Evie and Blake want to go back and start going out with Mary...I cannot, nor want to and I know they want me to, cuz they always ask.
Blake said to me, I go to church every week, and we are taught to forgive.
I forgive them, I'm not angry at them, say hello and talk to them whenever we bump into each other. But refuse to hang out with them....
If I back off, they will start going out with Mary and Loretta again....and everyone will be happy. And I am not angry at anyone, but I'll be darn if I could talk about them one moment then hang out with them another? Doesn't make sense to me and is extremely childish.
So, I'm not angry or anything, just a bit hurt, but, that is people for you, and it is what it is. I would rather remain true to myself then hang out with anyone who is that rude or annoying?
I became aware of this "girl groups" thing in about 4th grade. Three friends and two of them always mad at the third one...for something. As an adult working in an office environment reinforced all that for me. I would get upset at the 'unfair' ways women treat one another. The gossip and mean stuff that went on, etc..
-Well, forgive me if I'm wrong, but not all women are bad, and not all groups are bad...but, it does take some give and take, perseverane and maturity to keep it drama free....
the two gals I ended up with are good women, honestly, and they were not personally affected as I was....so, maybe that is why I'm not as upset or feel slighted, as I can understand their views....however, I believe it is harder for them to understand mine...they keep saying, "they wish it could be like it was before, when we were all together and having a riot". And I keep telling them, but they don't seem to understand, that those times are long gone and were before b/c everyone was being at their best possible behavior....and as time goes by, people tend to feel more comfortable and let it all hang out....? But I don't believe they hear that part.....
so, let them go back, that is fine, they have to be happy, but so do I, and I chose not to.
I follow Sylvia Browns's advice....paraphrased:
Christians are so hung up on love, loving their neighbor...
But if their neighbor has negative energy....get away from them...
You can love them from afar.
I say, And you can wish them well...just not around me until they change.
My perspective is clear...life is short and to be enjoyed...if I have a small headache not
pointing to a brain tumor...I take aspirin to feel great...same thing with people...
Get rid of the headache.
Or another saying of mine with a Martini in hand," I think I'll
swim on the other side of the pool."
Not sure if some of you remember, but, here goes.....sorry, this is going to be long....
Every Friday Nite, a few of us girls would go out to eat together 5-6 of us. In the beginning we all had a blast, then slowly the honeymoon phase slowly started to be over...
(BTW, I wrote about this in another thread, and stopped going)
I'm extremely confident and can take a lot, however, one of the girls started becoming extremely hard to take, and the other girls noticed she was particularly hard on me, why I don't know?
Some examples..
1. Mary, She always needed a soapbox and took control of every conversation and if anyone disagreed with Mary, one of the other girls (Loretta) would immedately take her side, and Loretta was also very rude and had no social skills, she would interrupt conversations and go on and on and on....forever. LOL
2. One night we walked into a restaurant, and Mary, started giving the waitress her order, before we even sat down or got our coats off, we were all so embarressed.
3. If Mary doesn't agree with what someone else is saying, she'd interrupt and go, "No, see, I don't do that, and proceeded to hyjack the conversation away from the original speaker".
4. Mary would come to my house for dinner and constantly complain until I called her on it....like my dining chairs are always so heavy, I make to much food, but seldom said thank you for dinner.
5. If we all had a picnic together, Mary would go to the Dollar store, and buy a few cans of those cheap baked beans, and then bring them in a crock pot and said she doctored them, yet, everyone else would bake or make something? But always, always those stupid dollar store baked beans.
6. Last time I went to dinner with them, Mary really yelled at me, for something really stupid! I was happy remembering an event and sharing it with the group, saying, "the best ever key lime pie"....and of course, Mary interrupted and said, "I don't like Key Lime Pie," and I replied, "oh, boy, but you'd love this, it didn't taste at all like Key Lime Pie," and to my shock, Mary interrupted again and said with a very very angry look and response, "I DON'T LIKE KEY LIME PIE, I DON'T CARE WHERE IT CAME FROM, OR WHO MADE IT!" And I said, "boy whenever I'm happy and sharing a story, you sure know how to break someone's happy bubble!" And of course, the other girl, Loretta, chimes in, "I don't like Key Lime Pie either!"
7. Friday nights were always the girls night out, but when Mary's son came to visit, she would bring him along, instead of going with him alone and leaving us have our own time, and he was the only guy there?
8. Now my other two friends Evie & Blake, always say, they had enough when she started always talking about this guy she is seeing....however, I always say to them, "this didn't just start when she started dating him, this has been going on for a long long time, but you two didn't see it, before", and they didn't. But I'd notice how they'd all sit there including the other two gals that would come off and on, and never say a word, because Mary and Loretta monopolized the conversation....and I mean, they never said one word.
9. Mary had a dinner once, but had it on a time when I couldn't come, oh, yes, she invited me, but I was unable to come and she knew I wasn't able.
And on and on...
So, I stopped going, b/c it just wasn't fun any longer.... Yet, Evie & Blake never noticed, until Mary got her boyfriend and then of course, "he" is all she talked/bragged about...and that other woman Loretta, would of course, chime in.
Now the guy Mary is dating is a down right player, and the woman, Beth, he used to date, lives right in front of Mary and we were all affiliated with.
He ran around on Beth, with a woman Evie knows, and several others. He was a player, most of his life. So, whenever his name came up which was quit a bit, Mary would say, "Oh, I would never date him, I don't need a man that bad"....well, guess who she is now dating? Yup, Him...he lives right aside of her...
So, Evie and Blake went out with her and the other girl a few more times and then they couldn't deal with it any longer. Now Evie is a wonderful woman, very kind & giving, however, she allows people to walk all over her, take advantage of her, and wants to be friends with everyone. And I have no problem with that....I even say hello to Mary and Loretta when I see them but will not ever be with them again, unless they come to me and discuss the situation with me, and after all these months they have not.
So, it's been going very well, and Evie and Blake, both stopped going out with Mary and Loretta, and now the 3 or 4 of us, sometimes 5, we still go out on Friday nites.
Well, Evie, had tickets to sell to an area college musical....she asked me if I wanted to go, and honestly I wasn't interested.
So, she sells tickets to Mary and Blake, and Loretta, so now they are all going together.
I had asked Blake about going to a show in the city with me, however, she said she wasn't into musicals.
So, what would you do....Remember, Blake and Evie always talk about how much fun we all had before all this trouble started....and they said, they didn't like the way Mary was treating me...but apparently it doesn't matter...oh, and Blake....had a labor day picnic last year, and you should have heard her, she was furious and all nervous b/c Mary and Loretta was coming, but now, she's going to spend the evening with her?
And by the way, at that picnic, Mary was very rude to my sister?
So, I feel, Evie and Blake want to go back and start going out with Mary...I cannot, nor want to and I know they want me to, cuz they always ask.
Blake said to me, I go to church every week, and we are taught to forgive.
I forgive them, I'm not angry at them, say hello and talk to them whenever we bump into each other. But refuse to hang out with them....
If I back off, they will start going out with Mary and Loretta again....and everyone will be happy. And I am not angry at anyone, but I'll be darn if I could talk about them one moment then hang out with them another? Doesn't make sense to me and is extremely childish.
So, I'm not angry or anything, just a bit hurt, but, that is people for you, and it is what it is. I would rather remain true to myself then hang out with anyone who is that rude or annoying?
I wonder why some women are like this and why some women are not like this. Some women are indeed petty, gossiping, trash talking fools. No doubt. Then, there are other women running 5k runs for breast cancer, volunteering at women's shelters, supporting their friends during tragedy like no other. There's definitely a line drawn in the sand there.
So true. There are a lot of different types of women. Some are awesome, others, not so much. Having good girl friends is the best. The girl groups who expect conformity and have a leader or a controlling boss type like described in the op are the worst, even if they are nice people, the dynamic is just too stifling and uncomfortable.
I follow Sylvia Browns's advice....paraphrased:
Christians are so hung up on love, loving their neighbor...
But if their neighbor has negative energy....get away from them...
You can love them from afar.
I say, And you can wish them well...just not around me until they change.
My perspective is clear...life is short and to be enjoyed...if I have a small headache not
pointing to a brain tumor...I take aspirin to feel great...same thing with people...
Get rid of the headache.
Or another saying of mine with a Martini in hand," I think I'll
swim on the other side of the pool."
LOL
thank you
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