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Old 05-11-2014, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Canada
3,873 posts, read 2,705,846 times
Reputation: 5055

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
Why won't she do what it takes to have a nice relationship with me??
Bottom line: Because she doesn't want to. She gets some sort of sadistic satisfaction from the putdowns. That's more important to her than a "nice" relationship.
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Old 05-12-2014, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Balkans
54 posts, read 54,511 times
Reputation: 111
Yep, I had to put my mother on a iceberg. She was never going to be reasonable or amiable. I'm much happier now
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Old 05-12-2014, 11:12 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,266 posts, read 7,860,746 times
Reputation: 53224
Welcome to my world. My mother and brother were drinking buddies and I was the outsider on every level. From my youth on it was obvious that my mother only wanted one child and I wasn't it. I also realized that there was nothing I could do about that dynamic and I started to plan my escape from a very young age. I finally had my own place at 20, but they barely saw me from age 18 until I had enough money to get my car and apartment. I saw her occasionally until I finally drifted away and hadn't seen her for three years. She was dieing of cancer and was down to her last couple of weeks. She wanted to see me but we were strangers at that point. After all those years apart nothing had changed. Just like they probably won't with your mother Camille. You can be the good one and do everything right and still be wrong in her eyes. Try not to beat yourself up over it, just accept what can't be changed and make your life happy.
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Old 05-12-2014, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,005,469 times
Reputation: 19438
Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
Welcome to my world. My mother and brother were drinking buddies and I was the outsider on every level. From my youth on it was obvious that my mother only wanted one child and I wasn't it. I also realized that there was nothing I could do about that dynamic and I started to plan my escape from a very young age. I finally had my own place at 20, but they barely saw me from age 18 until I had enough money to get my car and apartment. I saw her occasionally until I finally drifted away and hadn't seen her for three years. She was dieing of cancer and was down to her last couple of weeks. She wanted to see me but we were strangers at that point. After all those years apart nothing had changed. Just like they probably won't with your mother Camille. You can be the good one and do everything right and still be wrong in her eyes. Try not to beat yourself up over it, just accept what can't be changed and make your life happy.
That's the thing.....once you've learned that they will never be there for you, how do you "jump start" those feelings again? It's funny, we can spend our entire lives, yearning for a relationship with a family member, aching and hurting, trying and being rebuffed and pushed away, until eventually...you stop trying, you stop hoping....and finally say, "It's never gonna happen. Clearly, they don't share that longing and clearly, want absolutely nothing to do with me. Okay....fine...accepted. It is what it is."

All of a sudden...they get a pang, because they're feeling "not good enough", because ALL of their kids aren't around them...and it's just too late. Too little....too late. We've moved on, realized they were never going to be in our lives and eventually...we fill our lives with people who DO want us in their lives. Sadly, yes....those same parents get to realize that THEY are the ones who made the choice to push us away.

Sometimes, the only way to deal with those hurtful people...is to simply not think about them at all. To do so, causes too much pain..you just stop thinking about them. They don't exist. Sad....but true.
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Old 05-12-2014, 12:58 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 39,996,116 times
Reputation: 62022
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
Everyone,

I posted here a few months ago and got some great advice, but I'm back..

Dysfunctional Mother

I tried once again to reach out to my mother and at first things looked positive, and my husband and I were going to drive to my parents house to visit on Mother's Day. Then my mother decides her and my father were going to my sister's home for dinner.

Of course my husband and I were not invited. My mother proceeded to tell me it is my own fault that I wasn't invited and that I should "think" about the reason why. She also went on to tell me "You have everything you ever wanted, what do you need us for?" Meaning because my husband does well financially, we are fortunate to have nice things. She throws that in my face often.

Even though it makes me sad I decided I can no longer deal with dysfunction and snarky comments. I called my father (he didn't answer) and I told him he is welcome to call me if he wants to talk, but I will not be coming to visit anymore, unless my mother gets therapy and changes her ways. It is unfortunate that she has my father and siblings wrapped around her finger.

I'm the scapegoat of the family and always will be I guess. My mother claims she is normal and doesn't have any issues and it is all in my imagination.

My husband finds it all very strange since his family dynamic is very positive.

Why won't she do what it takes to have a nice relationship with me??
Obviously because she does not want to do whatever it is you think she needs to do to play nice.
She does not see any issue that is hers alone, all the issues and fault is yours.

Why do you continue to allow her to control your life? Let it go, cut all contact for good and move forward in your life. If you qut allowing her actions to get a reaction from you then she loses complete control.

When/if she calls or emails or whatever, ignore her calls, do not respond, be done. No explaining why, no other chances, just be done for good. If you respond and engage her she gains control again. Then you will again find yourself on a public forum asking perfect strangers why your Mother doesn't like you.
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Old 05-12-2014, 06:00 PM
 
Location: In my skin
9,043 posts, read 14,273,249 times
Reputation: 8900
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
Everyone,

I posted here a few months ago and got some great advice, but I'm back..

Dysfunctional Mother

I tried once again to reach out to my mother and at first things looked positive, and my husband and I were going to drive to my parents house to visit on Mother's Day. Then my mother decides her and my father were going to my sister's home for dinner.

Of course my husband and I were not invited. My mother proceeded to tell me it is my own fault that I wasn't invited and that I should "think" about the reason why. She also went on to tell me "You have everything you ever wanted, what do you need us for?" Meaning because my husband does well financially, we are fortunate to have nice things. She throws that in my face often.

Even though it makes me sad I decided I can no longer deal with dysfunction and snarky comments. I called my father (he didn't answer) and I told him he is welcome to call me if he wants to talk, but I will not be coming to visit anymore, unless my mother gets therapy and changes her ways. It is unfortunate that she has my father and siblings wrapped around her finger.

I'm the scapegoat of the family and always will be I guess. My mother claims she is normal and doesn't have any issues and it is all in my imagination.

My husband finds it all very strange since his family dynamic is very positive.

Why won't she do what it takes to have a nice relationship with me??
Sadly, some people are so set in their dysfunctional ways, there really isn't any way to get through to them. When you are driven by your ego, no one wins.

It may just be time for you to accept what is and let her go. I know it's hard not to take it personally, but it really isn't coming from you. You know why you feel what you feel, and it looks like you're right to feel it. You don't need her to own it in order for it to be true. You just need to remove the problem if it can't be fixed. That's really all there is left to do.
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Old 05-12-2014, 06:51 PM
 
2,839 posts, read 4,969,248 times
Reputation: 3702
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
That's the thing.....once you've learned that they will never be there for you, how do you "jump start" those feelings again? It's funny, we can spend our entire lives, yearning for a relationship with a family member, aching and hurting, trying and being rebuffed and pushed away, until eventually...you stop trying, you stop hoping....and finally say, "It's never gonna happen. Clearly, they don't share that longing and clearly, want absolutely nothing to do with me. Okay....fine...accepted. It is what it is."

All of a sudden...they get a pang, because they're feeling "not good enough", because ALL of their kids aren't around them...and it's just too late. Too little....too late. We've moved on, realized they were never going to be in our lives and eventually...we fill our lives with people who DO want us in their lives. Sadly, yes....those same parents get to realize that THEY are the ones who made the choice to push us away.

Sometimes, the only way to deal with those hurtful people...is to simply not think about them at all. To do so, causes too much pain..you just stop thinking about them. They don't exist. Sad....but true.
Had to do this with my father. I didn't talk to him for 5 years. It was hard but I moved on. Then years later he came out of the blue and said he loved me and wanted to be in my life (really after all the hurtful things you said?!).

I said okay but it's all been on my terms and TBH I don't think he will fully be in my life ever again. That was 2-3 years ago but our relationship is still strained.

I tried asking my dad if he wanted to come to my babyshower and he said "babyshowers are for women" and I was slightly crushed but I realized he's missing out, not me.
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Old 05-15-2014, 10:32 AM
 
50 posts, read 65,389 times
Reputation: 163
I really appreciate all of the thoughtful advice. Reading other people's opinions and stories does help me to heal. I have found that stopping contact with my mother also comes with the rest of my immediate family not wanting to speak to me - Dad, brother and sister. I never really felt very close to my siblings anyway, as my mother often pitted them against me in her own ways. I have tried to talk to my sister one on one and she basically says she "doesn't want to hear my crap". Oh well.

I got married last year and I had thought that may be a turning point for things to be better. My family was very different during that time, there was a kindness and peace I hadn't felt before. But unfortuntely it didn't last long.

I guess I don't really "miss" them too much because I always felt like a punching bag when I was around them, esp my mother. I let them make me the scapegoat for so many years and I'm not anymore. I think this change makes my mother very angry and it takes away any control she had over me. I begged her to change but she won't. So I'm now doing whats best for me and I do feel very guilty, but I don't have any other option.
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Old 05-15-2014, 11:37 AM
 
Location: Mt. Lebanon
1,843 posts, read 1,934,844 times
Reputation: 1899
well, I am not sure why you weren't invited at your sister for dinner. It seems strange to me like a ssiter needs to be invited to her sister for dinner. My mind doesnt comprehend that. Unless you guys fought and you are enemies and your mother is on your sister's side. There's something we dont know here.
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Old 05-15-2014, 12:00 PM
 
50 posts, read 65,389 times
Reputation: 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by XRiteMA98 View Post
well, I am not sure why you weren't invited at your sister for dinner. It seems strange to me like a ssiter needs to be invited to her sister for dinner. My mind doesnt comprehend that. Unless you guys fought and you are enemies and your mother is on your sister's side. There's something we dont know here.

I wasn't invited because I decided that unless my mother treats me with dignity and respect I can't have a relationship with her. My sister is the favorite, she will never understand. I told her I would like to have a relationship with her separate from my mother, I don't think she wants to. That is her choice.
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