U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-15-2014, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Canada
3,874 posts, read 2,710,739 times
Reputation: 5060

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
I wasn't invited because I decided that unless my mother treats me with dignity and respect I can't have a relationship with her.
That makes no sense. You planned to spend Mother's Day visiting your mother but you weren't invited to dinner with your mother at your sister's house that day "because I decided that unless my mother treats me with dignity and respect I can't have a relationship with her."

Why wouldn't your mother want to spend Mother's day with her other daughter as well, particularly since she is closer to her than she is to you?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-15-2014, 12:30 PM
 
50 posts, read 65,484 times
Reputation: 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdnirene View Post
That makes no sense. You planned to spend Mother's Day visiting your mother but you weren't invited to dinner with your mother at your sister's house that day "because I decided that unless my mother treats me with dignity and respect I can't have a relationship with her."

Why wouldn't your mother want to spend Mother's day with her other daughter as well?

you should read the entire thread.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-15-2014, 02:17 PM
 
Location: Canada
3,874 posts, read 2,710,739 times
Reputation: 5060
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
you should read the entire thread.
I did. In your opening post you said:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
Of course my husband and I were not invited.
Then in the other post I quoted you said it was YOUR decision to not be invited by your sister. This apparently was before your mother said to think about why you weren't invited and criticized you.

Edited to add: You're portraying yourself as 100% victim in this thread. I don't buy it. If you are talking crap to your sister as she says, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to hear it. If you badmouth your mother to your father, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to hear it as well.

Last edited by cdnirene; 05-15-2014 at 02:29 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-15-2014, 04:10 PM
 
50 posts, read 65,484 times
Reputation: 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdnirene View Post
I did. In your opening post you said:



Then in the other post I quoted you said it was YOUR decision to not be invited by your sister. This apparently was before your mother said to think about why you weren't invited and criticized you.

Edited to add: You're portraying yourself as 100% victim in this thread. I don't buy it. If you are talking crap to your sister as she says, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to hear it. If you badmouth your mother to your father, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to hear it as well.

No we were not invited. Your opinion is wrong but thanks for your input. Have a nice day .
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-19-2014, 05:44 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,015,827 times
Reputation: 19442
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
I wasn't invited because I decided that unless my mother treats me with dignity and respect I can't have a relationship with her. My sister is the favorite, she will never understand. I told her I would like to have a relationship with her separate from my mother, I don't think she wants to. That is her choice.
Camille, it sounds like there's a whole lot of backbiting and insecurity going in your family. Maybe it's time for you to do a little bit of soul searching here. It appears as if your mother "likes" your sister more. That happens. Some family members seem to have closer emotional bonds. Clearly, your sister has learned to accept your mother the way she is and has figured out a way to have a relationship with her....ANYway.

Some people are excellent at that. Some people are far more eager to go with the flow and can still love and tolerate those who have emotional issues such as your mother. Clearly...your sister HAS accepted your mom and her personality "flaws". Because your mother feels accepted and "good enough"...(loved, in spite of her faults), by your sister, they have a realationship.

You can't accept your mother for the way she is. She is not good enough for you or your family. Do understand this though...that your children are watching, comparing and judging. Make damn sure that you're not simply overly sensitive, okay? Some people have thinner skin than others and I'm NOT saying that's a bad thing. Extremely sensitive people can be the most helpful, caring, loving folks out there. Unfortunately, they can also be incredibly difficult to be around, because you've got to "walk on eggshells" around them, CONSTANTLY, for fear of saying or doing something that might offend them.

People are, who they are, Camille. Accept them for the way they are and they'll likely reciprocate. You seriously have to let go of this sh*t. It's not only affecting you, but it's affecting your family as well..as in, YOUR family. You might not even realize it, but it is. Let it go and accept that your personalities are different. Most importantly, you must realize that just because YOU want some validation from them, that you were "mistreated", that is likely never going to happen. Truth be told, they've always felt like you disapproved of them, like they've never been good enough for you. Truth be told, you put them on the defensive, with your "constant need to talk about them behind their backs".

Your sister probably didn't want you there on Mother's Day, because she knows you can't just leave the past in the past. You put people in a position...where they feel as if they need to defend each other against your disapproval. Leave it in the PAST! It does not matter and it does not exist anymore. Get over it. I understand that you "think" you need your feelings validated, but Camille.....understand that your "passed" memories are yours and yours alone. The way YOU perceived things to be...may simply be YOUR perception of those events. Others may not remember things quite the way you do. Truth be told, these people are wondering why they're not good enough for you.

You have repeatedly said that you try to talk (negatively) about family members to each other. STOP it! Just STOP it! Your father knows full well that his wife isn't perfect, but he LOVES her. How dare you talk sh*t to him about his wife!? Stop it! Your sister loves her mother and clearly feels protective over her. Don't talk sh*t to her about her mother! Keep it to yourself! You need to work on your empathy a little bit, I think. Imagine how they feel...you talking crap about their loved ones. It just makes YOU look mean and petty.

Remember Thumper~ If you can't say nuttin' nice....don't say nuttin' at all. You have kids watching. They will be as tolerant of your imperfections as YOU are of others' imperfections. You are setting the standards and modelling the behavior.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-19-2014, 10:48 AM
pll
 
1,052 posts, read 2,152,441 times
Reputation: 1070
Some very thoughtful and wise comments on this thread. It's nice to know there are other's that struggle with a complicated Mom-Daughter relationship.

The good news is you have a few choices on what direction you can go with your relationship with her. 1) You can love and accept your Mom with all her faults and unkindness toward you. In other words, you will have to overlook her faults in order to keep the relationship going. Prepare your mind in advance when you communicate with her and know in advance that your time with her may not be pleasant. Schedule a massage, shopping trip or something fun for yourself after to life yourself up. 2) Or, you can distance yourself from her and have your relationship that is more businesslike. Talk only a couple times a month and keep conversation light and superficial. You can bring your husband for support if you want when you spend time with her. 3) Last resort, if the relationship is toxic, you will have to make a hedge of protection around you and your family and not have contact with her. This is only after you have tried everything in your power to make it work much to not avail. If she continues to be abusive and disrespectful to you and your family then this may be your only option.

I had a very similar relationship with my Mom and I did all of the above. After 44 years I had enough of the negativity. After I stepped away and became a Mom myself, I began to see that how destructive she was to me and how she truly didn't care for me. I had the confirmation of many people around me and they come to the same conclusion. This stand actually strengthened my marriage, my family & me. It's not easy stand to make because it can cost you relationships with siblings and other relatives. They may feel the need to take sides and you may loose contact with them as well. Also, if you have children, they may be curious and one day want to have a relationship with their "Grandma" as they become adults. That's for another thread.

I would encourage you to go forward with your new life and new family. Surround yourself with people that will encourage and lift you up. Find mentors who will gently guide & teach you the proper way to love your spouse, children, and your others. Learn to let go of negative self talk and actually pray for your mom. Holding on to anger will destroy you. Counseling can be very helpful as well as reading some books on this subject.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-20-2014, 09:05 AM
 
50 posts, read 65,484 times
Reputation: 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Camille, it sounds like there's a whole lot of backbiting and insecurity going in your family. Maybe it's time for you to do a little bit of soul searching here. It appears as if your mother "likes" your sister more. That happens. Some family members seem to have closer emotional bonds. Clearly, your sister has learned to accept your mother the way she is and has figured out a way to have a relationship with her....ANYway.

Some people are excellent at that. Some people are far more eager to go with the flow and can still love and tolerate those who have emotional issues such as your mother. Clearly...your sister HAS accepted your mom and her personality "flaws". Because your mother feels accepted and "good enough"...(loved, in spite of her faults), by your sister, they have a realationship.

You can't accept your mother for the way she is. She is not good enough for you or your family. Do understand this though...that your children are watching, comparing and judging. Make damn sure that you're not simply overly sensitive, okay? Some people have thinner skin than others and I'm NOT saying that's a bad thing. Extremely sensitive people can be the most helpful, caring, loving folks out there. Unfortunately, they can also be incredibly difficult to be around, because you've got to "walk on eggshells" around them, CONSTANTLY, for fear of saying or doing something that might offend them.

People are, who they are, Camille. Accept them for the way they are and they'll likely reciprocate. You seriously have to let go of this sh*t. It's not only affecting you, but it's affecting your family as well..as in, YOUR family. You might not even realize it, but it is. Let it go and accept that your personalities are different. Most importantly, you must realize that just because YOU want some validation from them, that you were "mistreated", that is likely never going to happen. Truth be told, they've always felt like you disapproved of them, like they've never been good enough for you. Truth be told, you put them on the defensive, with your "constant need to talk about them behind their backs".

Your sister probably didn't want you there on Mother's Day, because she knows you can't just leave the past in the past. You put people in a position...where they feel as if they need to defend each other against your disapproval. Leave it in the PAST! It does not matter and it does not exist anymore. Get over it. I understand that you "think" you need your feelings validated, but Camille.....understand that your "passed" memories are yours and yours alone. The way YOU perceived things to be...may simply be YOUR perception of those events. Others may not remember things quite the way you do. Truth be told, these people are wondering why they're not good enough for you.

You have repeatedly said that you try to talk (negatively) about family members to each other. STOP it! Just STOP it! Your father knows full well that his wife isn't perfect, but he LOVES her. How dare you talk sh*t to him about his wife!? Stop it! Your sister loves her mother and clearly feels protective over her. Don't talk sh*t to her about her mother! Keep it to yourself! You need to work on your empathy a little bit, I think. Imagine how they feel...you talking crap about their loved ones. It just makes YOU look mean and petty.

Remember Thumper~ If you can't say nuttin' nice....don't say nuttin' at all. You have kids watching. They will be as tolerant of your imperfections as YOU are of others' imperfections. You are setting the standards and modelling the behavior.
I'm not even sure what to respond to in your response. Firstly, my mother is wonderful to my sister. That is why they get on so well. It is like we had two different mothers. My mother was/is negative, rude and condescending towards me, NOT my sister. I was hit constantly as a child, NOT my sister. I was not given the same oppotunities my sister was given. My mother made these choices out of favoritism. My sister doesn't have to accept bad behavior from my mother because she doesn't get treated badly, I do.

Oh and I don't have children yet.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-20-2014, 09:08 AM
 
50 posts, read 65,484 times
Reputation: 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by pll View Post
Some very thoughtful and wise comments on this thread. It's nice to know there are other's that struggle with a complicated Mom-Daughter relationship.

The good news is you have a few choices on what direction you can go with your relationship with her. 1) You can love and accept your Mom with all her faults and unkindness toward you. In other words, you will have to overlook her faults in order to keep the relationship going. Prepare your mind in advance when you communicate with her and know in advance that your time with her may not be pleasant. Schedule a massage, shopping trip or something fun for yourself after to life yourself up. 2) Or, you can distance yourself from her and have your relationship that is more businesslike. Talk only a couple times a month and keep conversation light and superficial. You can bring your husband for support if you want when you spend time with her. 3) Last resort, if the relationship is toxic, you will have to make a hedge of protection around you and your family and not have contact with her. This is only after you have tried everything in your power to make it work much to not avail. If she continues to be abusive and disrespectful to you and your family then this may be your only option.

I had a very similar relationship with my Mom and I did all of the above. After 44 years I had enough of the negativity. After I stepped away and became a Mom myself, I began to see that how destructive she was to me and how she truly didn't care for me. I had the confirmation of many people around me and they come to the same conclusion. This stand actually strengthened my marriage, my family & me. It's not easy stand to make because it can cost you relationships with siblings and other relatives. They may feel the need to take sides and you may loose contact with them as well. Also, if you have children, they may be curious and one day want to have a relationship with their "Grandma" as they become adults. That's for another thread.

I would encourage you to go forward with your new life and new family. Surround yourself with people that will encourage and lift you up. Find mentors who will gently guide & teach you the proper way to love your spouse, children, and your others. Learn to let go of negative self talk and actually pray for your mom. Holding on to anger will destroy you. Counseling can be very helpful as well as reading some books on this subject.

Thank you for the thoughtful response.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-21-2014, 05:43 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,015,827 times
Reputation: 19442
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
I'm not even sure what to respond to in your response. Firstly, my mother is wonderful to my sister. That is why they get on so well. It is like we had two different mothers. My mother was/is negative, rude and condescending towards me, NOT my sister. I was hit constantly as a child, NOT my sister. I was not given the same oppotunities my sister was given. My mother made these choices out of favoritism. My sister doesn't have to accept bad behavior from my mother because she doesn't get treated badly, I do.

Oh and I don't have children yet.
It's sad....it is. One wouldn't think that a parent would automatically be more drawn to and more loving to....one child over another, but it happens every day. Clearly, there is something about your personality which reminds your mother of someone who hurt her very deeply. There is clearly something very reassuring about your sister's personality. Sorry.....it doesn't get much simpler than that.

When we go through life, butt hurt and sullen, because someone is treated better, not punished as much, loved more, talked to more, we can repel the very people we are trying to convince of our worth.

Look, I'm the youngest of 9 kid and my hubby is the middle of 11 siblings. In both of our families, there are children who feel so insecure about themselves (because they didn't and don't get enough attention), that you can't have a conversation with them, without it ALWAYS turning to "backstabbing". Oh....they call it just "talking"....or "sharing"...but it's nothing more than malicious gossip, designed to put down someone that they're envious of. Period.

The worst part....is that they spent their entire lives, "tattling" on everyone else, to their parents and anyone else who'd listen to them...everyone's tired of their whining and tattling. As a parent of grown children...you get sick and tired of getting sucked into everyone else's damn conflicts and sick and tired of constantly being expected to play referee or take sides.

Years ago, a couple of my 30something sisters had gotten into an argument. My mother told me that they'd both called her...talking crap about each other. To this day....I will never forget what she said and I've shared it with my adult children. "Jesus Christ!!!! I'm so sick of this sh*t! I've been a GD referee for over 40 years and I'm SICK OF IT!!! GD it! When are those girls going to grow the he** up and learn to solve their own problems. It is not my PROBLEM! and I am NOT taking sides and I am NOT going to be my children's f*cking referee, anyMORE!"

Seriously....again, when you go around trying to get people to take sides with you, especially when you're talking negatively about someone they love, you will be the villain....every.....single......time. Please just accept that they have more compatible personalities. As you get older, you are more than likely going to appreciate that YOU are not burdened by having to "entertain" your mother. You have nothing in common! You....unlike your sister....are free to live your own life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-22-2014, 09:39 AM
 
50 posts, read 65,484 times
Reputation: 163
Got a text from Mom yesterday just saying "I love you" ...ugh and the guilt gets worse.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:47 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top