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Old 05-02-2014, 12:06 PM
 
50 posts, read 65,420 times
Reputation: 163

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Everyone,

I posted here a few months ago and got some great advice, but I'm back..

Dysfunctional Mother

I tried once again to reach out to my mother and at first things looked positive, and my husband and I were going to drive to my parents house to visit on Mother's Day. Then my mother decides her and my father were going to my sister's home for dinner.

Of course my husband and I were not invited. My mother proceeded to tell me it is my own fault that I wasn't invited and that I should "think" about the reason why. She also went on to tell me "You have everything you ever wanted, what do you need us for?" Meaning because my husband does well financially, we are fortunate to have nice things. She throws that in my face often.

Even though it makes me sad I decided I can no longer deal with dysfunction and snarky comments. I called my father (he didn't answer) and I told him he is welcome to call me if he wants to talk, but I will not be coming to visit anymore, unless my mother gets therapy and changes her ways. It is unfortunate that she has my father and siblings wrapped around her finger.

I'm the scapegoat of the family and always will be I guess. My mother claims she is normal and doesn't have any issues and it is all in my imagination.

My husband finds it all very strange since his family dynamic is very positive.

Why won't she do what it takes to have a nice relationship with me??
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Old 05-02-2014, 01:27 PM
 
4,787 posts, read 9,252,812 times
Reputation: 12632
Go back and read the pages of responses you got to your last post on the same matter. It was good advice and it still holds true.

You are you and your mother is your mother. You look at things one way and she another. You cannot make her think the way you want her to think. You cannot make her behave the way you want.

Please take yourself to a good therapist on work on this dynamic. You're in your thirties. You cannot have this eating away at you forever. A therapist can help you come to terms with your mom's behavior and move beyond it. Essentially, you have to let go of the dysfunction..

This doesn't mean you have to cut your mom and your father/ siblings out of your life. Just maintain as much as distance as you need to so you can maintain emotional balance.

Remember, when you have children of your own, behave differently toward them than she to you. Keep remembering that your mom is a good example of what not to do as a parent.
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Old 05-02-2014, 02:07 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,687,533 times
Reputation: 11932
I get exhausted when I read family sagas like this.

My family were a bunch of dicks, I haven't cared for their opinions on anything since I was about 8 years old and realised I am the smartest of the lot.

And, the only one with feelings and a heart.

Genetics are to blame. My maternal unit used to tell me constantly "you're just like your father" which was NOT a compliment.

Now I'm oldish, I can appreciate just how frustrating me and my dads happy go lucky attitude must have been to someone with a major personality disorder.

Haven't spoken to the old dear for 22 years since she started her chit on my new born baby girl, and I'm so incredibly thankful for that.

Nothing but trouble and anxiety down that path.

And bless her, because she has BPD and is always RIGHT, she doesn't care!
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Old 05-02-2014, 02:38 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,985 posts, read 14,629,883 times
Reputation: 14868
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
Everyone,

Why won't she do what it takes to have a nice relationship with me??
Because she doesn't want to. Why are you still communicating with her at all? Nothing has changed. It matters not that you ignore her for a week - or a month - or a year - or 5 years - she will revert back to her old pattern shortly after reconciliation.
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Old 05-02-2014, 02:41 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,687,533 times
Reputation: 11932
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryjohns View Post
Because she doesn't want to. Why are you still communicating with her at all? Nothing has changed. It matters not that you ignore her for a week - or a month - or a year - or 5 years - she will revert back to her old pattern shortly after reconciliation.
Exactly.

Like it or not OP, your mother can't have a decent relationship with you. These are her issues, not yours, although I'm sure she makes you FEEL like you're to blame for her unhappiness/anger/disappointment whatever.

If she's anything like mine, the ego is just so enormous there's literally no room for anyone else. SHE is the only one on the stage, you are just a bit actor.

Folks with personality disorders just can't help it. It's the way they are, dysfunctional by nature. Much like a snake. All very nice and smooth and shiny, but you'd better not go near it because it will try to kill you.

You can't hate the snake, it's only doing what snakes do. Same as your mom.

If you do INSIST on maintaining a relationship with her, it will have to be on her terms. By which I mean, you have to become a mini me, agree with every word she says and ignore all the sarcasm and put downs.

Why you would wish to do this, I have no idea. For me, the desire to protect my own child from her behaviour is what finally severed the cord.
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Old 05-02-2014, 03:41 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,985 posts, read 14,629,883 times
Reputation: 14868
OP, why not find a mother substitute? They are out there. I have had a few in my life. Volunteer at a senior citizen community. Be open to friendships with women older than yourself. I found them and I wasn't even looking for them. The relationships will be so much more rewarding - and you might be adding something of value to their life (their kids could be living in another state - or maybe she only has sons and wanted a daughter). I don't know why more people don't do this. The world is evidently full of narcissist mothers that are toxic to their children (as mine is) but you don't have to put up with it.

One especially dear woman I knew (she is deceased now) had never had kids at all. We just sort of slipped into a mother/daughter relationship without even being much aware of it. I will always treasure the time I knew her.
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Old 05-02-2014, 06:26 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,023,037 times
Reputation: 22370
One of the hardest lessons in life is to really come to embrace that just because we want (or WISH) that things were different w/ our relatives (especially, one's mother) . . . it doesn't mean it will ever be the way we want it to be. And that means - despite our doing all the "right things."

You can be a "good daughter" and that still won't mean your mother will ever be a "good mother" to you.

Your mother is who she is. She has issues. Unfortunately, she enjoys dumping her frustrations with life on you. This is who she is. She is incapable of recognizing that she is the problem. You are the problem. You will always be the problem.

It is soooo difficult to get to the place where we truly accept that people are who they reveal themselves to be -- when those people are supposed to be the ones who protect us, cherish us, care about how we feel, what we think . . . and who appreciate and love us.

But . . . that is what has to happen in order to have a healthy life. You can have a relationship with your mom -- but it will never be a satisfactory relationship. It will always be one-sided, in the sense of your doing all the compromising.

It won't get you anywhere to call your father and lay out your feelings. He is married to your mother and if he intends to stay married to her, he has to toe the line in re: to the "family position" on WHO YOU ARE. He has doubtless enabled her behaviors their entire marriage. To do otherwise would have meant that he would have become her target (or at the least, he would have been subjected to her raging and harranguing to the point where it simply was not "worth" going against her opinions, beliefs, behaviors, etc).

So it is up to you as to how much pain you are willing to endure. You can keep things at arm's distance . . . send the appropriate cards at holidays . . . get together as a family and grit your teeth . . . it is up to you. Perhaps seeing a good therapist would help you learn ways of coping with the mean-spiritedness . . . or maybe it would help you disengage and not feel it is so important to be involved in your mother's life.

In any case, take care of yourself FIRST. Create your own life and support system and limit the interactions with your mom -- and learn to shield yourself from the insults and drama.

I wish you well -- you can find a comfort zone!
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Old 05-03-2014, 11:43 AM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,521 posts, read 28,441,660 times
Reputation: 43376
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
...........Why won't she do what it takes to have a nice relationship with me??
It's because she is broken, OP. That is something that you can not fix.
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Old 05-03-2014, 05:06 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,590 posts, read 14,200,956 times
Reputation: 30217
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post
It's because she is broken, OP. That is something that you can not fix.
Yes. The way she acts is out of your control. You will never have the mother you wish you had.

Please go forward and make your life your own. I like the advice to get therapy. Yes. You are grieving and you need help with how to process this grief. Please do, and take care of yourself. I like the advice to find a mother figure. Do this if you can. But be a nurturing presence in the lives of others. That can help you heal. Make a resolution that the abuse you experienced stops with you. You will not carry it forward.

Please do take care of yourself.
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Old 05-04-2014, 09:10 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,008,494 times
Reputation: 19438
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camille033 View Post
Everyone,

I posted here a few months ago and got some great advice, but I'm back..

Dysfunctional Mother

I tried once again to reach out to my mother and at first things looked positive, and my husband and I were going to drive to my parents house to visit on Mother's Day. Then my mother decides her and my father were going to my sister's home for dinner.

Of course my husband and I were not invited. My mother proceeded to tell me it is my own fault that I wasn't invited and that I should "think" about the reason why. She also went on to tell me "You have everything you ever wanted, what do you need us for?" Meaning because my husband does well financially, we are fortunate to have nice things. She throws that in my face often.

Even though it makes me sad I decided I can no longer deal with dysfunction and snarky comments. I called my father (he didn't answer) and I told him he is welcome to call me if he wants to talk, but I will not be coming to visit anymore, unless my mother gets therapy and changes her ways. It is unfortunate that she has my father and siblings wrapped around her finger.

I'm the scapegoat of the family and always will be I guess. My mother claims she is normal and doesn't have any issues and it is all in my imagination.

My husband finds it all very strange since his family dynamic is very positive.

Why won't she do what it takes to have a nice relationship with me??
OP...because she is the way that she is. I know that it's difficult to reconcile the issues with your family, but sometimes, you have to wait until you grow up and have your own family, in order to have what you're looking for. It's up to you to BE that kind of family you always wanted.

Sometimes, those who were raised in sad, dysfunctional families, end up being the BEST parents, because they give their children what their parents could not. Please don't let them drag your own family down. It's YOUR choice. Be grateful that your husband's family is there to provide that older generational bond. Sometimes, it's best to understand that not all family members are compatible. Clearly, your mother is closer with your other sibling. Clearly...your mother still thinks that your sister still NEEDS them. Clearly...she does not think that you do....and she's right.

Blessings to you. Continue to set your boundaries and do your best to raise your children in a positive, happy, functional household. People have mental health and insecurity issues..period. You have enough work to do, simply keeping your own household running efficiently and happily. Don't let your past influence your family. They are who they are. You are who you are. Belive me....I spent my entire life, feeling like I was switched at birth...until I realized that I was just..."different". I spent the first 30 years of my life wondering what was "wrong" with me...and have been grateful for the last 23 years, because I realized that it wasn't what was WRONG with me....it was what was RIGHT with me and WRONG with them.
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