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If you want to be a good friend to her, you are going to have to risk losing her as a friend. If you stand by and watch her marry a destructive guy, you will be partly responsible for any negative events that come out of that marriage. If you state your objections and refusal to support the marriage, you may lose her as a friend but her blood will not be on your hand.
This statement is by far not even remotely close to the truth and this relationship nor anything that happens as a result of it should not be put on anyone but those directly in the relationship.
Anyone who is involved with an abuser or alcoholic is there because they choose to be there and have been convinced by the abuser/alcoholic that they are not good enough for anyone else.
As a friend all you can do is listen, advise and stay out of the rest of it.
As far as the wedding goes all you have to do is say no, that you cannot be in the wedding. No further explaination is needed.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
This statement is by far not even remotely close to the truth and this relationship nor anything that happens as a result of it should not be put on anyone but those directly in the relationship.
Anyone who is involved with an abuser or alcoholic is there because they choose to be there and have been convinced by the abuser/alcoholic that they are not good enough for anyone else.
As a friend all you can do is listen, advise and stay out of the rest of it.
As far as the wedding goes all you have to do is say no, that you cannot be in the wedding. No further explaination is needed.
My point is if she does nothing, she is going to feel partly responsible, even though she is not technically responsible.
If you want to be a good friend to her, you are going to have to risk losing her as a friend. If you stand by and watch her marry a destructive guy, you will be partly responsible for any negative events that come out of that marriage. If you state your objections and refusal to support the marriage, you may lose her as a friend but her blood will not be on your hand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
This statement is by far not even remotely close to the truth and this relationship nor anything that happens as a result of it should not be put on anyone but those directly in the relationship.
Anyone who is involved with an abuser or alcoholic is there because they choose to be there and have been convinced by the abuser/alcoholic that they are not good enough for anyone else.
As a friend all you can do is listen, advise and stay out of the rest of it.
As far as the wedding goes all you have to do is say no, that you cannot be in the wedding. No further explaination is needed.
I agree with both. Yes, the relationship is ultimately the responsibility of those in it - not the OP - but it is more responsible of the OP, as a true friend to do as The Dissenter suggests.
Be her friend first. I was in a abusive relationship, and not one of my friends sat me down to talk about what was happening, I wish they did. Everyone is different, but being in your friend's shoes I wish someone had stepped over the line.
Sit her dowm, let her know she deserves more than this man. She deserves someone who will love her, put her on a pedestal, treat her with respect and make her feel good. Tell her you will be there for her either way she decides, and love her no matter what. Basically, set up an intervention for her.
Sometimes it takes a friend to open your eyes.
Last edited by veuvegirl; 05-06-2014 at 08:54 PM..
If you want to be a good friend to her, you are going to have to risk losing her as a friend. If you stand by and watch her marry a destructive guy, you will be partly responsible for any negative events that come out of that marriage. If you state your objections and refusal to support the marriage, you may lose her as a friend but her blood will not be on your hand.
How on earth would she be responsible for her friends choices? Her friend is an intelligent adult and for some reason is making poor choices.
Some abusers isolate their victims and if the friendship is over, that is just what will happen. There are many reasons why abused people stay in a relationship, and a true friend lets the abused friend know that they are there for them.
Be her friend first. I was in a abusive relationship, and not one of my friends sat me down to talk about what was happening, I wish they did. Everyone is different, but being in your friend's shoes I wish someone had stepped over the line.
Sit her dowm, let her know she deserves more than this man. She deserves someone who will love her, put her on a pedestal, treat her with respect and make her feel good. Tell her you will be there for her either way she decides, and love her no matter what. Basically, set up an intervention for her.
Sometimes it takes a friend to open your eyes.
I can see your argument. What could your friend have told you that would have made you leave your abuser?
Didn't you feel your abuser loved you at the time and was just misunderstood? That he could change and that you could save him? That people didn't understand him like you did?That's how I felt, although it was more of an emotionally abusive relationship.
1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.
3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.
5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.
7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.
9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.
10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.
If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns. Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser’s partner should also seek help for their codependentbehavior at Codependents Anonymous.
If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help. Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful. If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.
Print this out and hand it to her.
yep. If you don't say something you are compliant by silence.
You gotta say something. Do loving it lovingly. Tell her you care. You want the best for her. Ask her to postpone--even for just a few months.
Be her friend first. I was in a abusive relationship, and not one of my friends sat me down to talk about what was happening, I wish they did. Everyone is different, but being in your friend's shoes I wish someone had stepped over the line.
Sit her dowm, let her know she deserves more than this man. She deserves someone who will love her, put her on a pedestal, treat her with respect and make her feel good. Tell her you will be there for her either way she decides, and love her no matter what. Basically, set up an intervention for her.
Sometimes it takes a friend to open your eyes.
Agreed. That's what friends are for. True friends help you when you can't help yourself.
Last Feb, my best friend (37 years old) had purchased her firstcondo. She literally hadn't unpacked her stuff when she called me to tell me she met the man of her dreams at a bar on St Patrick's day. It was whirlwind from that point on. She had flown off to Mexico first class the first two weeksof the relationship. She kept telling me she wanted to "have his babies" right now and that her wedding dress (that she never wore due to a break up) was finally going to get dusted off.
Being the older and voice of reason friend, I tried to tell her to slow downa bit because she was still in that "honeymoon phase". She went on a business trip for 2 weeks and when she came back, she rented herplace out and moved in with this guy. He was very pushy about her moving inquickly which seemed like a red flag to me. She moved in with him exactly two months after she met him.
About two months later she called me to tell me she felt concerned because"they" were drinking a lot. Now, I understand at the beginning thereare a lot of dinners, hanging out with mutual friends etc so I sort of dismissed it. But she said "wow, I took the garbage out and there were aton of glass bottles in there!" She had said it was champagne, beer, wine,whisky and it made her feel weird. Well, little did I know it was mostly him consuming all of that alcohol.
On July 4 last year, he got raging drunk and when he saw pics of her ex on her iPad, he smashed it into several pieces my slamming it on the kitchen counter.
Just to be clear, I believe there have been several incidences she doesn’t tell me about. In fact, I believe I am getting about half the story here. The July 4 story was only told to me a few months ago.
In November was when it really hit her that he is an alcoholic after theywent to the Bahamas for a week. Again, he got raging drunk one night. They were“friendly” playing around when she accidently knocked him in the head with herknee. He went ballistic and threated to hit her. She stood up to him and said “what are you doing to do? Hit me?” Then he threw himself on the bed crying like a 3 year old. He passed out and didn’t remember a thing the next morning.
After that, she had a talk with is mother and his mom explained that shebelieved his dad was (is) an alcoholic as well. She said he used to drink a lotevery night until she gave him an ultimatum and he reduced it to only 2 drinks a night. My girlfriend thought she could convince her BF to do the same. Bad idea.
She has caught him drinking on a Sunday several times and one time he hidthe drink behind the toilet. She called him out on it and he got pissed. Heclaims he doesn’t have a problem but meanwhile, one night, he went to pee in the bathroom and tore the towel hanger off the wall and ended up peeing on thefloor. She made him clean it up after he wanted to call the maid in to do it.
I went with her to Alcoholics Anonymous once because she didn’t want to go alone. I must say it was quite an experience but we left half way throughbecause she felt creeped out and said that it just wasn’t for her.
A couple of months ago, she texted me at 12:30am asking to come over to myplace. I always have told her that she can come to my place if anything getsout of control. That evening, she was with her BF and his best friend at.. (you guessed it) a bar. The BF came out of the bathroom and started telling her theymust go NOW. I guess he was feeling jealous because his friend was talking to her in her ear since it was a loud place. The best friend was scheduled to staysince they were drinking but when they got back to their place, he told hisfriend to go home. How stupid considering he was drinking! The friend saw thatthings were not going well and tried to intervene and stick up for mygirlfriend. He was so drunk; somehow he ended up in his underwear screaming ather calling her a $lut, *****, b*itch and the “c” word. She told him she wasgoing to my place and he tried to pin her to the bed to keep her from leaving. When she got to my place, he was blowing up her phone with calls and text messages. Again, he had no recollection of this in the morning.
[
I didn’t want to get too personal once she was at my place because she was upset but I did tell her I didn’t think things were getting better and that I believe that the relationship was going towards the abusive route. I told her I was concerned. She brushed it off. Ugh.
Then a couple of weeks ago they had a particularly bad weekend. She didn't’ tell me this until Tues which I thought was interesting. She had put him on “probation”because again, at a bar, over that weekend, she had one of her good friends (a guy) come to the bar. The BF “snapped”, got jealous, and again, wanted her toleave. This time she refused. Without her giving me details, I guess it got bad enough to where he got kicked out of the bar by security. A few minutes after getting kicked out, some girl came up to my friend and said “hey do you knowthat guy?” She said “yeah, he’s my boyfriend” and she said “honey, stay AWAY from that guy, he’s trouble”…it ended up being the friend of one of his ex’s!
]The next morning he berated her for 45 minutes, yelling, calling her namesand throwing her clothes on the ground. The next day was Monday and she got flowers at work from him. He did his usual crying and saying don’t leave me…..blah blah blah. He even called her sister in law and begged her to not let my friend leave. Huh? He also startsmaking therapy appointments but doesn’t go. All a sham.
Then literally the next week she is talking about marriage again with this guy?!?!
She told me he use to hide her things like car keys, sunglasses, wallet?
He’s been wanting to get married and buy her a ring, yet, they don’t go out and look for a ring? They have been living in his place and he has been there five years. Now the owner wants to sell it so they have to get out. They will live in her condo. It’s no longer being rented. He doesn’t like the idea. Hmmm......wonder why? All this while they look for a home to buy? They are getting married but he hasn’t popped the question. He tends to be all talk.
So my question is… I know I am going to be asked to be in this wedding insome way. I do not support the idea of this marriage. Yes, I would be the oneto stand up during the “does anyone oppose this marriage” question!
Without losing her friendship, how do I tell her I don’t support her decision? Is that even possible?
Your friend is so far ignoring the lesson that the school of life has in store for her. I really don't see how you are going to change her mind if everything she's been through so far with this loser hasn't disuaded her from sticking around for more. And there will be more, believe me. And it will become ever more unpleasant the longer it goes on. Your friend is incredibly co-dependent that she would so readily assume that just because her BF is a raging alcoholic, she must be one too. Talk about ignoring the problem - she actually dragged you to an AA meeting!!?? That young lady needs to run, not walk to the nearest AL ANON meeting - NOT AA, for heavens sake! Suggest to her as kindly and as strongly as you can that she go to AL ANON and at least post pone marrying Mr. Hard Times and Trouble for a full year. If you lose the friendship, you at least have the consolation of knowing you tried. And remember, a bad drunk like this guy is going to start making your life difficult too by extension if you stick around. I've seen it too many times before. Good luck to you and your friend both.
I was in a similar relationship and the only thing that kept me was we had a child together. I had money, bought a house, a nice car, has a decent savings and he was blowing through it drinking, smoking and at the casino (while I took care of our daughter). He almost killed me one night while drunk but I soon found out I was pregantm and patched things up. Things got worse and he had cut me off from everyone. I wasn't allowed to leave, yet he could disappear for hours. Even if I went to the doctors he had his dad go with me or called every fifteen mins.
One night he came in and jumped on the bed while my daughter was trying to sleep (we hadn't been sleeping together for a while, so he called me a lesbian) anyway, he choked me and threatened to throw me out the second story window. Even though I bought a home he wouldn't let us leave his parents (wonder why...). I yelled to get his hands off me and out of the room. His brother then pointed a gun at my daughter. I immediately left, no shoes on in the snow. His mom tried stopping me, but I couldn't "just let him sleep it off" again. I filed a police report, a restraining order, and have since not had any contact other then at court hearings. He pleaded guilty, got nothing but probation. His brother is pleading next week. I am scared, extremely scared. But I have to protect my daughter. She still cries about it and not wanting mama to get hurt. She says she will protect me.
I had tried calling the cops before but since there were no marks (he is a black belt in various martial arts and used to be a bouncer) they wouldn't even get out of the car. Luckily the second time they helped me out a lot. I have also had a lot of help from the DAs office, and the domestic violence shelter. My family and friends have also helped a lot, considering I cut them off because at the time he belittled everyone and would freak out if he knew I even spoke to them.
Life is so much better not waking up and going to bed to someone demeaning me. Even while we were out he would scream at me, call me names, ask why I don't just kill myself, etc.
He is involved in my life forever, but she doesn't have to be stuck. She needs to get out before she is pregnant and will be intertwined forever. I suggest speaking to a DV group, ask them for paperwork. When I read it I was amazed, on a two page long questionaire "is your partner an abuser..?" He fit everything. It was just like check, check, check. She needs to talk to a pro, bc she won't believe a friend.
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