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Old 05-08-2014, 08:31 AM
28,906 posts, read 46,573,170 times
Reputation: 45995


She will not listen to you, sorry to say, until she hits rock bottom. You cannot save people from themselves. I wish it were otherwise.
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Old 05-08-2014, 09:30 AM
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,985 posts, read 14,621,932 times
Reputation: 14868
She is 37 - wants to get married and have kids while she still can have them. Understandable. Unfortunately, every day, month and year she spends with this bozo keeps that from happening, while the biological clock keeps ticking away - and keeps her from having a better relationship with someone else. She is screwing up her own goal.
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Old 05-08-2014, 11:00 AM
346 posts, read 417,347 times
Reputation: 674
Originally Posted by Gcs15 View Post
Yes, he would drink a handle a day. Didn't work, didnt do anything except scream at me. Ie: Diaper needs to be changed or she needs to be fed its my job and my job only because I am her mother. Never got a break even while sick, and throwing up. If I asked for even a few hours to relax I was a POS mother who should just kill herself.. White trash.. The only thing keeping him from killing me was our daughter "liked me".

Funny everything was my job as a "mother" yet he didn't do anything a "father" should. Just drained my bank accounts while saying "I can make money easy" yet not surprisingly, never did. Every day was me get up with her while he slept in. Don't wake him or he will get angry, while making her breakfast. His parents even slept in everyday til 10 then when he finally got up he would spend an hour "in the bathroom" playing on his phone. Then have to "make phone calls" til finally right before she was about to take a nap say " okay ill play with her"

After her nap I would feed her lunch, get her dressed and ready and ask if I could get a shower. No I can't. He'd getting a shower, even though he had all morning/afternoon (she sleeps cuddling me in bed, hard to leave but hard to know anything else since that's all she knew). He gets a shower for over an hour. Than has to drink, smoke and make more "phone calls". Finally around 4 (she woke at 1), he would say I could get ready. 10 min later the screaming started about how I'm holding everyone up. Then we would go out to wherever, and he would drink out of the trunk while I ran with DD. sit, drink, make phone calls, smoke. Occasionally yell at me calling me and her names, white trash, retarded, etc.

Go home, I give her a tub and get her ready for bed. Finally I feed her again and she goes to sleep. He comes around to call me a lesbo bc I won't have sex with him. Calls me boring, waste of life, as I try to keep DD asleep and not react. Then he moves on to his parents with the name calling and if he's drunk enough gets Physcial with his parents or brother. Then goes out, drunk driving, to the casino or bar. Passes out in the wrong driveway or pees on the seat. Start our day over.

One day she was supposed to go to the doctor. At 3:30. I told him to get ready. Like always though he waited til I was done getting her fed, ready, etc to hop in the shower at 2:50. Finally got out at 3:20 saying "lets go" meaning I had no time to even brush my teeth. I get in the car and we get there late and won't take us. If I say a word, I will get yelled at. However, if I made her late for an appt I wouldn't hear the end of it. The berating and name calling would start in the office, car, and last til he passed out that night. Then worst of all, I get pulled aside by his father who asks why she didn't go to the doctors? I said I was up, got her ready, and he wouldn't let us leave, heck he even stopped for cigerettes on the way (but I couldn't brush my teeth) and he scoffs and said "Well you're her mother its your job to make sure she gets to the doctor on time.."

Another thing was I wanted to reenroll in school. He wouldn't let me do that saying "who will watch her" umm, you? Considering you haven't worked in years. Nope "not fair" to burden him with "babysitting" when it's my child. Wasn't allowed to sign her up for pre school or day care either. "Those are bad for her and she needs to be around family". Yet no "family" would watch her. The grandparents would lock themselves in the computer room and she would knock and cry just to say hello and they would be on the other side laughing. Of course as I dealt with it. Usually in that 10 min window I had to get ready because he was too busy drinking and on his phone to watch her while I got ready. The gparents were too busy on eBay or playing solitaire. Then when I wasn't ready in 10 because I had her with me and trying to make sure she doesn't get into anything while washing my face, etc I was screamed at.

I even wasn't allowed to touch the stove to cook. If I tried his mom would come along and say she would do it while rolling her eyes. Then after a 3 year old eats a hot dog, two pancakes, an omelette, and some cottage cheese, if she didn't have 1/2 lb breaded soggy chicken for lunch I was "starving her". She is perfectly fit. She is in the thin side but eats what she needs and stops when she is full. Why pressure a 3 year old when her stomach isn't that big. I was so scared of being called names and screamed at I had to hide food. That's how bad it was.
Sorry for what you and your little girl went through. What a sick, demented, disgusting family. Is there any wonder why he is the way he is?

OP, you've received some wonderful advice from posters on this thread. I hope your friend sees the light and leaves this mess. Otherwise, she'll be subjecting herself and future children to a miserable disaster. Hope you show her this thread.
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Old 05-08-2014, 11:57 AM
Location: In my skin
9,043 posts, read 14,268,551 times
Reputation: 8900
Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
An abuser needs someone willing to be abused.
With all the information out there, there is just no excuse to be this clueless. That is also a choice.

"Willing" implies consent. Abuse, by its very nature, does not seek consent. I don't ever recall a case where an abuser actually asked for permission before verbally assaulting/threatening/beating/raping/killing his/her victim.

To the OP, be very careful about the advice you take with you here. There is a wealth of really useful and valuable information out there backed by facts, not emotion and ignorance.

To answer your post:

1) The only person responsible for his behavior is HIM. Not your friend. Not you. HIM. Your friend is a victim. The fact that she chooses to stay doesn't make her any less so. There are valid reasons that explain why victims stay. They may not make sense to everyone but there is nothing sensible about abuse. It's not up to anyone here to decide if these reasons are good enough or not. And it is not as simple as some here would like you to think. Here is some useful info on that topic.

Myths and Misconceptions | Project Rising

2) She does have a choice to stay or leave, but leaving can often be scarier than staying. The violence does escalate for a lot of victims after leaving. And you're probably right, you're probably not getting the whole story. Victims often downplay the abuse, so it is probably a lot worse than she lets on, making it even scarier than you might think.

3) If you don't support the marriage, don't be a part of it. Don't pretend to be OK with it. Let her know how you feel.

4) She will not leave until she has had enough. There is nothing you can do other than offer your support, on YOUR terms. You do have to see to your safety and your well being. Family, friends, co-workers and employers can also become targets. If you want to be there for her, make yourself available away from her home and away from him. If you feel it is too much for you to handle, that's understandable as well. Here are some tips for people like you who want to help but don't know what to do.

Help a Victim | Project Rising

I really hope your friend finds her way out of this. Good luck to you both. *hugs*
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Old 05-12-2014, 10:49 PM
1 posts, read 512 times
Reputation: 10
Default Time to Let Go

I too have a best friend who has a controlling, jealous boyfriend. Except he's not an alcoholic, he has a bipolar disorder and has not been taking meds.or sought any treatment for it. She met this guy through an online dating site and within less than two months, they became inseparable. She was happy and I was happy for her. Then I started noticing that he had been using her car a lot and would be out all hours of the night, hanging with his buddies. He would leave her at his mother's house and would not return until nearly dawn. There would be times she would call me about twelve or one o'clock in the morning to come pick her up. I would say stop letting him use your car if he's not going to return it at a reasonable time, but she wouldn't listen. There were other instances where he would be just insulting to her and blaming her for every little thing wrong in their relationship. The unfortunate part of this whole relationship is that she has been battling cancer for nearly two years and eventhough he is aware of her illness, he has not been supportive of her. He accused her of being manipulative and that this was her way of trying to get his attention. I have repeatedly told her that she needs to concentrate on her health but again she would not listen. He has emotionally abused her and has drained her financially. It kills me because she cries to me everytime he does something to her yet she still clings to him. She saus she does not want to be alone and wants to be loved. He tells her he lives her but his actions do not show it. I am drained from listening to her crying to me and I have become sick physically from worry. I know it is hard to break up a longtime friendship, but believe me, it is best to back off, otherwise if you try to intervene, it will only backfire and she will either end the friendship or he will end it for you. I would rather be the one to back off and take a break from the friendship than for the friendship to end for good. In time she will realize that she cannot continue with this toxic relationship and she will.need you to be there for her. Trust me, I know how hard it is to let go of a longtime
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Old 05-13-2014, 07:01 AM
25,953 posts, read 26,667,972 times
Reputation: 26711
We are going through this exact same thing with my SIL's young sister.

Take her to a battered women's shelter to hear their stories and how they experienced the same things. Horrible things. Talk to her about bringing children into this picture.

The YMCA has a terrific website on this. Battered Women's Shelter

PLEASE PLEASE scroll down and click on the various subjects under 'what is domestic violence,' and particularly the points on emotional abuse. Simply give her the information.

Unfortunately, there may not be much you can do and people throw themselves into these situations time and time again. A lot of insecurities play a role in this.

My SIL's sister is losing all of her support systems they are sick of it. He is not allowed in anyone's home ever - not even holidays. She blew all of her inheritance on him and she has to account for every minute of her whereabouts with him. I met him at my nephew's football game and oh man, he just reeked of alcohol. She introduced him to me as her 'fiance' and I about fell over. I was pleasant, but I found it soooo sad.

Last edited by Thursday007; 05-13-2014 at 07:10 AM..
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Old 05-13-2014, 07:23 AM
3,492 posts, read 4,931,133 times
Reputation: 5377
Lesson to adults of both genders:

If you're not an alcoholic, you shouldn't be looking for a marriage at a bar.

For the women:
The men at the bar are there to drink and either watch sports or find a comfy bed for the night. If he's talking to you, it's probably the latter. This is not the man you want to marry.

For the men:
The women at the bar are there to drink and relax. If she goes home with you, she probably isn't the kind of woman you will feel comfortable with for the rest of your life. Even if she doesn't, you're not finding the brightest girl if she thought she would find husband quality there.

It's wise to find someone that enjoys the same things and places. That way you know you'll have something in common. If the only thing you enjoy doing is going to the bar, congratulations, you are an alcoholic. The bar is the correct place to meet someone. If you are truly lucky, they'll be a sponsor instead of a spouse.

Note: I have nothing against drinking alcohol. I drink a few times per year with friends and have a great time.
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