U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
View Poll Results: How Do You Feel About Drop-In Visitors?
I'm under 40 and prefer to be called the day before. 51 15.94%
I'm under 40 and prefer at least an hour's notice. 50 15.63%
I'm under 40...drop on by anytime. 12 3.75%
I'm over 40 and prefer to be called the day before. 109 34.06%
I'm over 40 and prefer at least an hour's notice. 62 19.38%
I'm over 40...drop on by anytime. 36 11.25%
Voters: 320. You may not vote on this poll

Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-10-2014, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Arlington, VA and Washington, DC
23,578 posts, read 33,312,074 times
Reputation: 32144

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Henry10 View Post
I used to think naively the same way, until I lost a couple of very good friends. So I changed my policy and went back to being flexible, hospitable and accomodating as best I could. So I can go "play-dates", drop in, tech, whatever helps my relationships with the people I care for. However I try to maintain reciprocity. I think this is more important than "if you dont call ahead you dont respect me" BS.
I am flexible. If a friend from Louisville or Southern VA is in town and texts me during the morning and says "Hey Diss, I'm in town and need to kill an hour or two, you up for a visitor tonight?" I would say, "Yeah, come by around 7pm and make sure you bring beer." That gives me time to get my place set and to decompress from work (I'm home before 5pm). That notice allow me to be hospitable and accommodating. You can't give me 15 minutes and expect me to be that.

If friends cannot give me courtesy to check with me before they come over, those friends won't be any big loss anyway.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-10-2014, 07:22 PM
 
Location: Arlington, VA and Washington, DC
23,578 posts, read 33,312,074 times
Reputation: 32144
Quote:
Originally Posted by shyguylh View Post
Amen, amen, amen.

You took the words right out of my mouth, "have to make an appointment," I've actually said that to people. "Appointment? What are you, a dentist or something?"

I am over 40 and totally voted "drop by anytime." I LOVE a community where people actually visit and don't have to make a freaking APPOINTMENT first. It's like children and "play dates"--why does playing now have to be done by appointment? What about letting your kids just play outside by themselves and then when your neighbor's friend asks your child over he/she just sticks their head in the door and yells "mom I'm going to Kara's is that okay" mom yells out "fine, but be back in an hour" and off you go? Now anymore you have to make an APPOINTMENT for children to play together, which I think is silly--and a logical extension of this "call before you come over" mentality.

We are supposed to respect how people feel, but even though I do call ahead if people seem to want that, I frankly don't agree with it. I think it's very self-centered, all you care about is that your precious perfect universe was interrupted for a bit, as if there aren't plenty of hours in the day when the visitor ISN'T around for you to get some solitude and alone-time. I understand fully the whole solitude and privacy thing, I myself like to have time at home where I just do what I want without any obligations, I cherish that greatly and so I understand.

However I also don't want to erect barriers to friendships and make people feel like they need PERMISSION to, oh my God, visit me? Oh the horror! [sarcasm]. Again, it's not like one won't have plenty of solitude otherwise. I don't want a friend feeling like I view them as nothing but an interruption of my perfect habitat they're not welcomed into with practically mailing back an RSVP. It's like what the other poster said, even if the one being visited was about to head out the door, they didn't flip out at the visitor for not calling first, and the visitor wasn't mad that the person they were visiting couldn't entertain spontaneously. Instead the one at home would say "sorry, but I was on my way to the store" etc and the one visiting would say "oh, I'm sorry, I can come back later," and everything was fine.

Drop in anytime, no appointment needed. I'm not a dentist or the CEO of GM, I know I'm "not all that," and people demanding a call first sure aren't either--though many of them sure seem to THINK they are.
Jesus Christ, this is the most outlandish post of the thread.

Calling me and saying "hey Diss, I'm gonna be in your hood in an hour. Want to chat over a cold one?" is not making an "appointment." It is just showing consideration for me and my time and my household. That is it, nothing else.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2014, 08:17 PM
 
3,279 posts, read 4,056,325 times
Reputation: 6149
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
Jesus Christ, this is the most outlandish post of the thread.

Calling me and saying "hey Diss, I'm gonna be in your hood in an hour. Want to chat over a cold one?" is not making an "appointment." It is just showing consideration for me and my time and my household. That is it, nothing else.
Like I said, for the people who for whatever bizarre reason INSIST that you MUST call first else you've committed The Unpardonable Sin, I do it, because it's not worth losing a friend over.

Even so, I still stick with my assertion that it's kind of ridiculous at some point. Understand: since it requires so little effort to do, and since cellular phones are a given anymore, then on some level no big deal in terms of that it's not a hard or particularly painful thing to do, and since it makes that much of a difference for whatever reason, I bend and do it.

I'm simply saying that for someone to get so way upset that you didn't call first and to regard it as The Unpardonable Sin, I think it is kind of ridiculous. As the one poster said, used to if someone just showed up but the one at home was in the middle of something or was on their way out, they simply said so and you the visitor weren't offended and that was it. It didn't result in the visitor feeling dismissed and it surely didn't result in the one at home getting upset and aghast that someone didn't call first.

I remember years ago when I first started bicycling long distances, it actually was wild to me that one could go so far on a bicycle vs just a mile or so (I was around 15 at the time). I used to show up at people's houses on my bicycle and get a sip of tea or whatever, it was part of the adventure--you're on your bicycle making headway down the road, next thing you know "oh, there's Ms Tyson's house, and I'm kind of thirsty, think I'll stop in and say hello." I would do so and they were not only okay, they were even cheerful at my showing up that way. I'd get a sip of tea, chat for 10 minutes, and was on my way. No one threw a fit that I didn't call first or whatever, and it really provided a wonderful sense of community that just isn't the same when you have to practically schedule everything like an appendix operation. Also, once you're that close to their house, it's kind of silly to pull over by the side of the road not even 1/10th of a mile from their house to call when you're right there anyway, what's the big deal.

That's really my point--what's the big deal? So someone showed up at your house wanting to be friendly with you and didn't call first--well gosh darn, how awful of them, they had the audacity not to make an appointment with my secretary first, how dare they! Sorry, I am ALWAYS going to view it as being like that.

For any one person to have their preference, okay, and again I honor it. I'm just simply saying I've lived in what I just described (and even experienced much of it again last 2013 when I visited my old stomping grounds) and I've lived in an atmosphere where drop-ins are scorned as highly as they are, and I definitely prefer the atmosphere of the former. It feels so much more warm and friendly, and while I understand people have the right to their preferences and we should honor them however silly we may think they are, I nonetheless say give me warm and friendly spontaneous interactions any day over scheduled and sterile "by the book."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2014, 08:23 PM
 
13 posts, read 13,497 times
Reputation: 17
Don't invite yourself over at all. Call and chat and if I want to invite you over, I will do it. It's up to me. If you would like to invite me over to your place or out somewhere, that is much preferable.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2014, 09:22 PM
 
4,424 posts, read 5,436,170 times
Reputation: 6505
Just wondering. For all those who say they refuse to answer their doorbell or a knock at the door without a heads up, if someone was getting attacked in your front yard or your neighbor's house was on fire and people were banging on your door for you to call 911 would you blow them off?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2014, 09:25 PM
 
4,424 posts, read 5,436,170 times
Reputation: 6505
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
Jesus Christ, this is the most outlandish post of the thread.

Calling me and saying "hey Diss, I'm gonna be in your hood in an hour. Want to chat over a cold one?" is not making an "appointment." It is just showing consideration for me and my time and my household. That is it, nothing else.
If thats what someone wants to do then fine. However, id never need a call first or to be asked if i want the person to come over. They can simply come over.

appointment
noun
1.
a fixed mutual agreement for a meeting
2.
a meeting set for a specific time ("in one hour") or place ("your house")
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2014, 09:52 PM
 
665 posts, read 509,352 times
Reputation: 654
I prefer at least a one year notice before a visitor drops by. That gives me time to move.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2014, 10:25 PM
 
12,895 posts, read 6,175,580 times
Reputation: 10748
Quote:
Originally Posted by pythonis View Post
Just wondering. For all those who say they refuse to answer their doorbell or a knock at the door without a heads up, if someone was getting attacked in your front yard or your neighbor's house was on fire and people were banging on your door for you to call 911 would you blow them off?
If someone was pounding on my door asking me to call 911, I would do it. That said, I also wouldn't open the door if I didn't know the person.

Last edited by BOS2IAD; 05-10-2014 at 10:37 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2014, 10:35 PM
 
12,895 posts, read 6,175,580 times
Reputation: 10748
As to the topic at hand --- At one time in my life, I didn't mind drop-in visitors. When I was a kid, if a friend came to the house and I was allowed to go out and had no other plans, I would respond. When I lived in the dorm in college, if someone knocked on my door, I would call out "Come in!". Of course there were exceptions. If I wanted to sleep or just have alone time, I would be sure the door was locked and I wouldn't answer the knock. I learned to lock the door when I wanted some quiet time alone. One weekend night, my roommate had a date. Since she and I were friends, we tended to spend most of our free time together. That night, I looked forward to having the room to myself. I put on some music and was relaxing when there was a knock on the door. I didn't respond but I hadn't locked the door either. In barged one of my next door neighbors who was in tears because she had her roommate had a big fight. She asked if we could go out and do something because she wanted to get away for a while.

Once I got out of college, had a place of my own and a full-time job, I just didn't want drop-in visitors. Nor did I just drop in on friends. I knew that our lives were different now and we needed to plan our visits.

My husband and I are still that way. We don't answer the door bell unless we're expecting someone. But then again, we're both introverts who value our privacy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-11-2014, 12:23 AM
 
Location: Arlington, VA and Washington, DC
23,578 posts, read 33,312,074 times
Reputation: 32144
Quote:
Originally Posted by pythonis View Post
Just wondering. For all those who say they refuse to answer their doorbell or a knock at the door without a heads up, if someone was getting attacked in your front yard or your neighbor's house was on fire and people were banging on your door for you to call 911 would you blow them off?
If someone is banging on my door at all, I'm not answering the door at all for safety issues. I don't know whether that is a legit call for help or someone trying to break in.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top