Forgiving your molester (adults, definition, person, member)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I was looking for information about digging under a driveway, when I saw this thread title posted off on the right.
With Mother's Day looming, this subject always pops up for me.
My stepfather sexually molested me and otherwise abused me. I thought he was my biological father until I was about 9. He had adopted me as an infant and my name had been changed. So, I refer to him as my father.
When I told my mom (who was, for what it's worth, a sweet, naive woman) and we left the house with my little brother and sister, his biological children, for a few weeks. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for therapy. I think he was there a month or so. I was 11 at this time. Sixth grade.
We all returned home. He never molested me again but he did begin the emotional abuse and I always felt like Cinderella. The hated step child who got all the chores and disdain, while the siblings were loved.
I was aware this was a taboo subject and it was to be treated as if it never happened. We went to church, my Mom was a PTA mom, Sunday School teacher, and we lived as normal a life, for appearances sake, as we could.
Fast forward some 25 years later. I had a daughter. I cringed when he would say "come give Grandpa some kisses" or pick her up and sit her on his lap. When she was four, it all started pouring out and I had a breakdown. I asked my Mom to come to counseling and she refused. I said I couldn't have a relationship any longer, until she would come to counseling.
We quit speaking, and during that time my father continued to call me and ask me to patch things up with my Mom. You might be wondering why, I quit speaking to my Mom and wanted her to come to counseling. I guess it was because she didn't save me. She moved me back into that house, with that man and I had to live with him and the fake life and the continued emotional abuse for years. She had options. She chose to stay with the man who sexually abused her daughter!
He subsequently went into a depression and called me one day to come over to talk while my Mother was at work. I did. He was a broken man who sat with his face in hands and offered me a very sincere apology. He cried (and this was a "macho man" who didn't cry) and I forgave him.
He committed suicide some months later.
That was 17 years ago and to this day, I have no relationship with my Mother or my brother and sister. She eventually came to counseling with me, about a year after his suicide, but she cried for herself. For her dead husband, her son going through a divorce, and came in with a list of things I had done as a teenager (ran away from home, smoked pot) as some sort of defense "Look what a trying teenager I had on my hands!!" for herself. My counselor asked her "Did you ever think that her teenage trials may have something to do with her sexual abuse?" I couldn't believe it when she said "No, I never did."
However, I am so happy I forgave him. Of course, he was the one who reached out and called me. He asked for my forgiveness. I don't know what would have happened if he had not. I also do not know if he had lived, would I have been able to have my daughter around him, especially as she approached the age I was when he molested me.
I do regret drawing the line in the sand "Come to counseling or we don't have a relationship" because now, I have no family other than my children and my husband. That is wonderful, but I miss my Mom and my sister and brother and now, my Mom is 74 years old.
Every situation is different. I just do not think you can give a pat answer of "they don't deserve forgiveness" or "you must forgive, it is for your sake not theirs". My friends who know of my abuse, say "How could you forgive him?? He was a monster" They don't understand the journey I took and other people might not understand yours. It is a very personal journey. Thanks for letting me get this out. Mother's day is a hard time for me. (I wonder if it is for her...)
My brother tried to sexually abuse me when I was 8 and he was 13.
He chickened out because I cried (thank God). But it's still scarred across my memory.
I never told anyone because at the grand old age of 8, I knew no one would believe me or if they did, it would be my fault anyway. The boys were faultless, me as the only girl of a personality disordered mother = essentially motherless.
Growing up in a house like that, with no one in your corner, and you know it from birth?
I've struggled with this but I do think forgiveness is necessary. I am guarded about things and I don't speak about it because it's not productive to do that. I'd rather not be around them. Fortunately I'm in another state.
I read Karla Faye Tucker Set Free about the pick-ax murderer who was executed in TX. You want a lesson in forgiveness? I urge you to read it. I've been a believer in Christ since the late 80's but until about a month ago I don't think I realized how powerful forgiveness is - until I read that book.
I just don't believe healthy and normal is ever going to happen once a person crosses that line. Don't expect a victim to do that. It's asking too much.
Lily, by not forgiving you harbor the corrosive negative feelings inside that can eat you alive. Forgiving is something you do for yourself, not for the other person. And how? Not sure. I still struggle with it.
Why no relationship? Let's say the molester was a parent. Would it not help to try to create a normal relationship if it never existed before? Especially if it's believed that the molestation was a major contributor to problems in the molested person's adulthood...?
Why would you (or anyone) want to have any kind of "relationship" with someone who molested you as a child???? If your daughter was raped, would you tell her to "forgive" and have a "normal relationship" with her rapist?? No, you wouldn't (or I hope you wouldn't!), so why would you want to have a "normal relationship" with some piece of shiit who molested you as a child and basically destroyed your life??
Screw that. Forgive if you think it would make you feel better but don't try to establish any of relationship with this person. Trust me, the moment you let your guard down, they will do it again OR, even worse, they may molest YOUR children.
Lily, by not forgiving you harbor the corrosive negative feelings inside that can eat you alive. Forgiving is something you do for yourself, not for the other person. And how? Not sure. I still struggle with it.
Forgetting is another story.
I understand what you are saying. I personally have never been molested. I cannot imagine the horror these victims have been through. You are right about the bolded.
Forgiveness is what you do for yourself. You forgive to let go so you can move on. It frees you and allows you to get on with your life. It doesn't mean you let someone off the hook. You simply don't allow them to occupy so much of your soul.
molesters never stop with one kid. you forgiving them is not helping them. its called enabling.
Forgiveness has NOTHING to do with enabling!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
