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Old 05-12-2014, 10:00 PM
4,644 posts, read 6,453,981 times
Reputation: 5388


This is crazy. He does something out of the kindness of his heart with expectations. Then he cops an attitude if you want to be alone. When he took you out for pool and whatever he should have informed you he expected you to treat him in the future so you could make a decision at the time if you agreed to the expectations.

Cmon man. For Ed Lover fans,,Cmon Son..
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Old 05-12-2014, 10:16 PM
Location: oHIo
623 posts, read 600,141 times
Reputation: 1325
Originally Posted by wit-nit View Post
Hey if someone looked after me when I was down and out I'd be sure and return the favor as soon as I could. How old are you/
100% this.
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Old 05-12-2014, 10:26 PM
820 posts, read 991,014 times
Reputation: 1168
You need to return the favor man you got a job now, no excuses, go to a gambling city like AC for the night, and go hard.
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Old 05-12-2014, 11:26 PM
Location: Manayunk
513 posts, read 596,194 times
Reputation: 1189
With my friends we always pay for each other. There's no running "count". Whoever can at that time will. You should have offered to pay, instead of him asking.
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Old 05-12-2014, 11:42 PM
16,992 posts, read 20,598,336 times
Reputation: 33956
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
I understand your point, to a point, but the OP was unemployed for several months and has only quite recently returned to work. Anybody who's been similarly down and out for a while knows full well that you don't miraculously spring back to financial security and it often takes several months before you can even treat yourself to a McD Happy Meal without feeling guilty!

If the friend was starting to feel used when he was being nice enough to foot the bill when his friend was unemployed he should have curtailed the benevolence there and then but basically demanding repayment when his friend returns to work is simply crass. If the shoe is ever on the other foot then he may well learn a lesson then.

Exactly, someone who has been out of work for several months usually gets behind on their bills, they're playing catch up and really aren't in the position to start treating other people.

That being said the OP could have done something small for the "friend".

The only thing the OP should have done differently is decline some of these invites. Clearly the friend was keeping a running tab, and if the OP had declined some of these nights out maybe this wouldn't have come up. The OP could have said there is no way I can pay you back for all the times you have treated me.

Sounds like the OP despite not having an income didn't cut back on their social life, which is the first thing most people cut back on.
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Old 05-13-2014, 01:37 AM
Location: Canada
3,869 posts, read 2,706,816 times
Reputation: 5055
Originally Posted by xhayatox View Post
I've been unemployed for the last few months, and during that time, on many occasions he would take me out to play pool, etc, and he paid for me during those times
Originally Posted by xhayatox View Post
during the argument yesterday, I mentioned to him that there are certain days that I want to be alone and don't want to always hang out with him, to which he replied "If you want to be alone, we can manage without you like we did last year" (I wasn't in contact with him last year, we just recently started hanging out again".
So, if I understand the above timeline correctly:

- You weren't in contact with your friend at all last year while you were employed.

- Earlier this year, you became unemployed and started hanging out with him again, presumably because he would take you out frequently and pay your way.

- Now you are employed again and tell your friend that you don't want to hang out with him as much.

Is it any wonder that your friend might be wondering if only reason you hung out with him was because he paid your way? I don't blame him for feeling resentful and hurt and wanting to get some of his money back. It would make him feel less like he paid for your company.
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Old 05-13-2014, 11:34 AM
174 posts, read 264,265 times
Reputation: 287
It sounds like you are a girl? If your guy friend didn't say anything about this you probably wouldn't have thought twice about paying for lunch or dinner and would probably go prancing around saying "Oh, my friend is so nice...pays for my dinner during my unemployment and doesn't expect anything in return. No romantic intentions either!". To me you sound like one of those girls that use guys to your advantage.

In this situation it isn't so much that he wants his money back, he wants you to show that you care for him as a friend too. Friendship is a two way street and he was there for you during your tough times. That's a true friend. You would be surprised at how many people ditch you when you are unemployed. To show him some recognition for his care the LEAST you could do is treat him back. He's probably hurt that you didn't even think twice about treating him back, I would be too. Don't be the "friend" that just takes and takes and takes.

He's not keeping "count", but really just looking to see if you care about him as a friend too. Evidently that hasn't happened.
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Old 05-13-2014, 12:23 PM
9,228 posts, read 18,860,839 times
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Like I said in the related thread, I don't blame the friend for "keeping score." I know lots of people say friends should do things for each other out of the goodness of their heart and never keep score, etc. But friendships are supposed to be equitable and reciprocal. when there's mostly a balance, no one needs to keep score. But even a super-nice, generous person will start keeping score when they experience a severe imbalance.

If someone has helped you out, when you finally do have some money, it should be a major priority to return the favor.
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Old 05-16-2014, 08:25 AM
61 posts, read 54,864 times
Reputation: 145
Originally Posted by nikitakolata View Post
I think both the OP and their friend are a little preoccupied with keeping score.

In a friendship, it doesn't matter how much money someone makes; the friend making more doesn't mean that the OP can always take, take, take. Likewise, the friend shouldn't be demanding that the OP pay as some sort of quid pro quo arrangement, either.

IMO, the friend was probably starting to feel used and was upset that the OP never volunteered to do anything nice to show his appreciation now that he is employed again and has the means to do so. The friend probably said things he shouldn't have and didn't phrase himself all that well out of frustration.

I am split on this; on one hand, you shouldn't be treating your friends to things as some means of getting things from them in the future. I'm a generous person by nature and I tend to buy things and pay for things somewhat at random. I don't expect my friends to buy me things in return. That said, they give to me in other ways (sometimes by buying food/entertainment/things) and I don't end up feeling used, which is really the key.
^^^ Agreed. It doesn't matter who makes more, no one should be able to just "take take take" and go about taking some more next time. That's called using someone and it's not right. The friend probably felt being taken advantage of and no one likes that; friendships are ruined when there's an imbalance.

My two friends make good money while I was working part time and one even has an inheritance, but then that doesn't mean that I would just take from them every time. We normally split the bill or if they pay for the bill, then I pay for the tip. Next time, I'll pay for the bill and they're pay for the tip. If my friend drove, then I would pay for the parking or toll. I do the same thing with my boyfriend. Eventually, someone would feel a bit of resentment if they were to bear all of driving, money, etc.

If you're financially unable to, then even doing something small like bringing over some wine and takeout is thoughtful. Even offering to just drive them somewhere or help them with something is too.

Originally Posted by xhayatox View Post
Thanks for all the input everyone I really appreciate it.

One thing I would like to greatly stress is that during the argument yesterday, I mentioned to him that there are certain days that I want to be alone and don't want to always hang out with him, to which he replied "If you want to be alone, we can manage without you like we did last year" (I wasn't in contact with him last year, we just recently started hanging out again". So yes, this isn't the first time that I stopped talking to him or had any particular problems with him.

He claims to care about me, yet he insists that he can manage without me. So I don't know what to do here. I saw him briefly today, and he pretended like everything was alright and normal. He claims I take him for granted, etc, which is all nonsense. I'm a loyal and caring friend to him, and I show him respect and I never lied or crossed him. Yet somehow I am the bad person in all of this. I really don't know if this friendship can be salvaged any longer. I usually talk to him everyday and we are very close, but if he doesn't value my friendship and tells me that I'm not a good friend, then what can I really do then?
Of course your friend can manage without you just fine. He shouldn't be dependent upon you and you dependent upon him as sole company. That's not good if one party feels that they can "do better." Friendships needs to be healthy. Your friend seems a bit dramatic in all of this, so I would sit down with him and explain to him what you're feeling and how to go about making him feel that you care over some food/wine that you paid for. If he insists on keeping score, then it was never meant to be.
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Old 05-17-2014, 08:05 AM
Location: sumter
8,509 posts, read 5,324,585 times
Reputation: 6573
I would have never asked you for anything for the sole purpose of paying me back for the things I did for you when you had no job. I was helping you out in your time of need and having you pay it forward at some point down the road when the situation arises would be good enough for me. However, a little show of appreciation for the things he did would have been a good gesture and I wouldn't have given him a chance to ask me for anything. I would have been way ahead of him on that, I would have already let him know that dinner was on me once I start getting a paycheck.
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