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Old 05-18-2014, 10:10 AM
1 posts, read 614 times
Reputation: 10


Ok, a little background, I met this girl while I was a Christian and sharing my faith. She was having problems with drugs, relationships, depression, etc. She gets saved and I and my friends encourage her and help her in her new faith and become friends. She then gets married, without telling me, and for last 10 years I don't hear from her.

I am now an atheist and she gets a hold of my number through work and I just ignore it. She calls again just to see what's up and to get back in touch. I don't tell her about my de-conversion since the conversation is short and light, thinking I will probably just hear from her or see her once in a blue moon.

Then a few months later she has what she thinks is a vision from God and is clearly not thinking straight - disjointed thoughts, jittery, confused, etc. Some people think she is on drugs or having a mental breakdown. She calls me again and starts to explain to me almost everything in her past and the present problems that led up to this incident (some of her past I had already known). I am concerned and it bugs me to see her, let alone anyone, struggle like this so I try to help her and encourage her in the right direction and hope she moves on and gets the help she needs.

Well it turns out she was on some new medication because of the depression that resulted from her husband's suicide four years ago, after which she 'backslid' into her old ways - promiscuity, drugs, hanging out with non-believers, etc. Of course now she is back trying to walk with the Lord again and feels guilt and shame as well as loneliness because she has very few friends except her unbelieving ones and a lot of the Christians she has confided in just don’t get her or don’t want to deal with her or her problems and she felt let down by them. She still thinks her vision was from God despite the obvious psychotic break and medication problems.

As she starts to tell me things, sometimes while having problems with her family and their struggles to get her medication right, I feel a responsibility to tell her that I am no longer a Christian. She is floored and upset but still calls and still openness up to me. I am fine with this now that she knows and I just want to help her through this period. She is a single mom, going to school and about to graduate but struggling with it all. Early on she would call multiple times every day worried about numerous problems in her life.

I, at this point, know that this 'friendship' will probably end-up in another 10 year layoff but am just willing to help her get a little space so she can get back on her feet. The friendship seems very one directional. I feel she would have never called me if she knew I was not a Christian at the get go. She seems to have wanted a friend but not necessarily to be a friend. She mostly talks about herself and anything I contribute is not about my beliefs especially the ones that contradict hers. She tells me what the Lord is doing in her life, what she reads in the Bible or heard in a study, etc. but I can't really express my two cents without her feeling uncomfortable or her changing the subject. Also, after saying something about me she will often just start back on about something in her own life.

She is somewhat impulsive and just wants a face to see and hangout with so she invites me to stay over - no sex of course - just a friendly presence. She wants to do things with me and her daughter; she even invited me to go to her mother’s to visit for a couple of days, etc. I am not going but we have hung out and done things together.

At first, I said nothing in opposition to her religious beliefs and just let her expresses herself but eventually I would give an opinion or make a small point – not even in a judgmental way. I know once she finds Christian friends that she can confide in and hangout with this will all stop. Now that I have started to express myself a little more she is starting to ask herself 'why I am telling you all these things' and ‘I now feel uncomfortable expressing these things to you.' I took those comments to be more about the religous things but possibly both the personal and religous.

At first she did not take at face value my reasons for de-converting and thought that I was angry at God or in sin and felt that I still believed deep down - I assured her otherwise. She tried to get me to go to church and to read the Bible. I feel that this is another reason she is still talking to me. She hopes I might come back and says she is praying for me. It seems I am a ‘cause’ for her in her time of need and I probably give her some sense of purpose. Anyway, she now, seemingly, understands that I am probably not going to change back to being a Christian and is starting to pull away. This all took place in 4-5 months.

After about the first month I started to share non-religious things about my life, my past, etc. Now I realize that we kind of have an intimate emotional relationship. When I de-converted I had virtually no friends as well and have been struggling to find close friends. I still have some Christian friends but they are more acquaintances and we really don’t get involved religiously.

Anyway, I guess her openness made me feel I could be open with her. But as I said this friendship is seemingly doomed. I have no problem letting her express her beliefs and being a friend to her but it seems she does have a problem doing the same with me. I know that when her circumstances change for the better she will become more distant – probably absent like before. As I said that is fine if that is what it took to get her to a better place.

At this point her medication seems to be in order; she graduated and is finding fellowship at some church functions, and her family relations are improving so I suspect she will soon be distancing herself. I don’t think any of her behavior is intentionally manipulative but I kind of feel sucked in knowing that the religious differences coupled wither personal problems make for an odd relationship that will not go anywhere.

Here are my questions, finally I know:

Should I end this or let it fade out? If I let is fade out I thought I would not share anymore personal things with her, keep the conversation short (sometimes we talk for hours), and just ask if there is anything I can help her with and if not move on.

Is her emotional intimacy with me a form of emotional promiscuity? I say this because of her openness about sexual promiscuity and her seemingly openness with others who will hear her (just for the record we have never had sex). She says she has told some things to others but has told me most everything including a lot of the details. Am I encouraging this behavior and if so how should I stop it without leaving her hanging and continuing in the same pattern with others? What specific problems does she need to address with a therapist – because I don’t know?

Any personal and professional thoughts are much appreciated.

Last edited by Veridicus; 05-18-2014 at 10:25 AM..
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Old 05-18-2014, 11:16 AM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,695 posts, read 41,411,184 times
Reputation: 82053
Scrape all the religious stuff off the top. This really is not about that anyway.

She is a user, and much like a parasite in the animal world, users suck the life out of you.

I would end this "relationship" and stop letting her use me. You are a crutch for her. Nothing more. You know this, but you are letting guilt and confusion about religion cloud your thought process.

Tell her you cannot continue to be in contact with her because it is harming your health, and block her number.
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Old 05-18-2014, 11:22 AM
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 29,984,374 times
Reputation: 32387
I find a few things about this interesting. I do not group my friend into "Christian" and "Non-Christian." Forget about that aspect and just think of her as a friend. If you aren't comfortable with the things she is doing or talking to you about, put some distance between you.
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