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Old 05-21-2014, 01:48 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,538 posts, read 5,055,121 times
Reputation: 13970

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Quote:
Originally Posted by kayanne View Post
Here is just one example, out of many in my life:
I had a situation last week, where a cousin with whom I've always been close, called me requesting a favor that I did not feel comfortable saying yes to. Actually, I KNOW I did the right thing to say no, and although that phone conversation seemed to go fine (she didn't sound angry when I told her no), she sent a nasty text message a few days later, and has now "unfriended" me and my husband on Facebook.

I am sick about this. I don't want our relationship to be permanently severed. Part of me wants to send a nasty response back, to stand up for myself and my decision, to "give her a taste of her own medicine," because the things she wrote were rude and hurtful. Another part of me wants to be my usual sweet self, try to gently explain why I made my decision, and try to "win back" our love and friendship.

I've actually been losing sleep over all this, and feeling sick to my stomach. SHE is the one who got rude first; why do I feel like I have to be extra nice and FIX everything? Sometimes I just wish I could "bite back." I find myself wondering, if I could respond back showing more backbone, assertiveness, and appropriate anger in situations like this, would the other person back down, realize she was wrongly rude, and the onus would be on HER to reconcile?....or would the problem and anger just escalate, and the door for reconciliation slam shut? That is, I believe, what I am afraid of in this kind of situation.
Using your example, i suppose it is possible that in the past you have been 'too nice' so your cousin has asked a lot of you and you have complied. Now that you felt a need to draw the line, she is unsure how to handle it.

But I agree with the others who said that being too nice won't be countered by 'giving her a taste of her own medicine.' It will not teach your cousin anything new. If she is THAT petty, this is all on her, not at all on you for being 'too nice'.

Now is the best time to be nice. and patient. She will either come around or she wont. You absolutely did the right thing and you know it. Probably everyone else knows it also. If she is in dire straights....all the facebook posts in the world against you will not prevent her world from crashing down and her ugly secret coming out.
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Old 05-21-2014, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Texas
43,471 posts, read 52,484,972 times
Reputation: 70564
How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You:Amazon:Books

Read this.
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Old 05-21-2014, 02:14 PM
 
Location: Lovely swampy humid Miami!
1,973 posts, read 3,746,279 times
Reputation: 1015
You have NOTHING TO LOSE and she is FAIR GAME. Do your worst.
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Old 05-21-2014, 03:34 PM
 
3,759 posts, read 3,488,362 times
Reputation: 8926
Remove this person from your life. You will be happier and better off. Some people are just not worth it.
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Old 05-21-2014, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Area 51.5
13,904 posts, read 11,454,278 times
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Good God. Stop worrying about what people think, and for sure, stop worrying about what they do on Facebook.

We are starting a generation of people for whom honest, face-to-face communication is non-existent.

The concept of worrying about twits, tweets, texts, facebook, et al, just blows my mind!
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Old 05-21-2014, 04:31 PM
 
Location: A tropical island
4,552 posts, read 4,415,800 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dale Cooper View Post
Good God. Stop worrying about what people think, and for sure, stop worrying about what they do on Facebook.

We are starting a generation of people for whom honest, face-to-face communication is non-existent.

The concept of worrying about twits, tweets, texts, facebook, et al, just blows my mind!
Did you actually read my posts? This is a whole lot more serious than "twits and tweets." Face to face interaction is not an option right now because we live 1000 miles apart.
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Old 05-21-2014, 04:34 PM
 
Location: A tropical island
4,552 posts, read 4,415,800 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blisterpeanuts View Post
Remove this person from your life. You will be happier and better off. Some people are just not worth it.
That seems harsh and insensitive. We have been close for 50 years, she is now struggling with a very serious problem (and I'll mention that gambling addicts have a high risk of suicide), I love her not just as my cousin but as my friend, and this is the first time she has ever lashed out at me.

I'm not going to toss this relationship aside forever, but I probably do need to give her some space for a short while.
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Old 05-21-2014, 04:40 PM
 
Location: A tropical island
4,552 posts, read 4,415,800 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
Using your example, i suppose it is possible that in the past you have been 'too nice' so your cousin has asked a lot of you and you have complied. Now that you felt a need to draw the line, she is unsure how to handle it.

But I agree with the others who said that being too nice won't be countered by 'giving her a taste of her own medicine.' It will not teach your cousin anything new. If she is THAT petty, this is all on her, not at all on you for being 'too nice'.

Now is the best time to be nice. and patient. She will either come around or she wont. You absolutely did the right thing and you know it. Probably everyone else knows it also. If she is in dire straights....all the facebook posts in the world against you will not prevent her world from crashing down and her ugly secret coming out.
I never said she is posting anything negative about me on facebook; I said she "unfriended" me and my husband. I know, to even talk about being unfriended on Facebook sounds a bit high school-ish, but it certainly is a way of saying "I am cutting you out of my life."

Also, she has no "ugly secret." Everyone in our extended family is now aware of the gambling addiction, some because she had asked for money previously, and others (like me) have just found out in the past week or so as she began asking for money.
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Old 05-21-2014, 04:48 PM
 
Location: Canada
3,878 posts, read 2,711,707 times
Reputation: 5061
Quote:
Originally Posted by kayanne View Post
Sometimes I just wish I could "bite back." I find myself wondering, if I could respond back showing more backbone, assertiveness, and appropriate anger in situations like this, would the other person back down, realize she was wrongly rude, and the onus would be on HER to reconcile?....or would the problem and anger just escalate, and the door for reconciliation slam shut? That is, I believe, what I am afraid of in this kind of situation.
Being aggressive and being assertive are NOT at all the same. That was the one of the first things I remember learning when I took an assertiveness training course many years ago. Being aggressive will just escalate the situation!

I think what you probably are aiming for is to be treated with respect. Going on the defensive, behaving like you are in the wrong when you know you're not, is no way to earn your cousin's respect.

I don't know what you said to your cousin. I wouldn't have made any excuses but simply said "I'm sorry but I'm not able to lend you the money at this time. I hope you can find what you need elsewhere."

I'm human though, if she had deleted me from Facebook etc. in response, I probably couldn't have resisted sending a message saying "I see you've set a price tag on our friendship. Good to know." Then I would have ceased communications. I would let her have the last word in the exchange. Silence is a excellent response. It's up to the cousin to try to make amends, not me. I very much doubt it would be lifetime rift. Sometimes gain requires some pain.
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Old 05-21-2014, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
9,090 posts, read 8,238,314 times
Reputation: 19662
Quote:
Originally Posted by kayanne View Post
That seems harsh and insensitive. We have been close for 50 years, she is now struggling with a very serious problem (and I'll mention that gambling addicts have a high risk of suicide), I love her not just as my cousin but as my friend, and this is the first time she has ever lashed out at me.

I'm not going to toss this relationship aside forever, but I probably do need to give her some space for a short while.
From your post I would have guessed you were 21 year olds not 50 year olds.
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