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Old 12-12-2007, 01:50 PM
 
Location: San Fernando Valley, CA
1,719 posts, read 6,029,868 times
Reputation: 781

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I'm sure we've all had this happen, but here's my story from a mans perspective.

A friend I could consider my best friend since high school got married suddenly back when we were 19-20. Here is exactly how it happened and how I met her. He works at a mall and she works there and he walks up and talks(first time he had ever approached a girl, besides internet) and he tells her "I am going to marry you." Next day he brings her around and we end up in the movies. She comes across as very agreesive and somewhat rude. But it's almost like she is insecure and feels the need to defend herself. She asks me before the movie, "Do you have a girlfriend?" To which I reply, "No."
"I can see why", she says. My "friend" didn't even back me up...this began years of dispute between her and myself, because she had a problem with me being aggressive with him and "bullying" him because I am sarcastic. She was now the "bully" and abused him in ways where she should have had the cops called on her for domestic violence. For 3-4 years my friend I had did NOT hang out and we missed out young 20s to have fun. Well after these years he told me he could have hung out with me while married but he chose not to because it was easier not to deal with her complaining, although she said "go out with your friends" and she went out with hers. They finally divorced and we started hanging out again and had talks about how he was wrong for ditching a very good friend.

So things were going good and he started dating girls, nothing serious and we hung out all the time this past 6 months or so. THEN, he meets another girl (just so happens to be only the SECOND girl he has met away from the internet) and he met her through a friend at school ( I got him back in college because he was impressed with me and wanted to better himself ). Well things were good because we would hang out, but NOW he stopped calling and wanting to go out. He is ALWAYS with her. He emails me and asks how we ended up not talking again and that he doesn't want this. I explained myself to him and told him I wasn't going to keep calling and being told "I'm too busy or I'll call you back...only to get no call back".
He is doing the same thing, and keeps telling me "I'm not rushing into things, I'm not getting married"...when I didn't even accuse him of it.
I'm sure many will say it is obvious my friend had insecurity issues and I know he is very needy. He is the guy always kissing the girl in the pic, as her eyes wander off, and plays more of the female role in the relationship.

I was just wondering if anyone else had gone through this, and if so is there any help? We have fun hanging out and stuff, but once he finds a girl he likes it is like we aren't friends at all and he doesn't realize he CHOOSES to not hang out with me, he thinks it is me not wanting to.
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Old 12-12-2007, 02:08 PM
 
Location: In a tiny, noisy, frigid cube
200 posts, read 794,377 times
Reputation: 142
DH!?? Is that you?!

This must be a more common problem than I thought! My husband had a friend who did the same thing, except he went back to the abusive ex-wife! I could have sworn you were talking about the same people I know, until I realized you're in California.

Husband had a buddy who started dating a girl he met on the Internet about the same time that we started dating. They even lived together.

Next thing you know, one year later, buddy is nowhere to be found, left all of his stuff in the rental house, and we discovered that he and his girlfriend were about to have a baby together.

Long story short, we didn't see buddy for about 3-4 years, then "poof!" one day he calls out of the blue saying he's divorcing because she beats him. We support him (emotionally, not financially) help him through the very tough divorce where he loses virtually everything, and then "poof!" he disappears again. Why? Because he's gone back to the abusive psychopath and has gotten her pregnant for a second time. They've since remarried, and we haven't seen or spoken to him since.

I'm leaving out the psychopathic details, but the similarities in the two stories were striking to me.


I have a girlfriend that's infamous for doing this too.
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Old 12-12-2007, 02:22 PM
 
Location: San Fernando Valley, CA
1,719 posts, read 6,029,868 times
Reputation: 781
I forgot to mention that they were married about 2 months after they met and as you said "poof" gone. And they did separate for several months, she left him.... "cheated" got knocked up and had an abortion and he took her back when she ran out of money and financial support from ole lover boy that knocked her up. The good thing is that this new girl seems to be nicer and smarter, not to mention mature.
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Old 12-12-2007, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Dallas, Texas
3,589 posts, read 2,974,016 times
Reputation: 533
I have not seen a friend of mine as often as I did before I got involved with a new guy, but I bend over backwards to see her when both of us have free time (which isn't often) or to include her in things I do with other people. She is pulling away from me even though I don't feel I've neglected her at all. She has other obligations too and I don't resent her for those.

It goes both ways, you know.
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Old 12-12-2007, 02:37 PM
 
Location: San Fernando Valley, CA
1,719 posts, read 6,029,868 times
Reputation: 781
I understand it goes both ways. But he has free time, he simply chooses to spend it with her. Which is fine with me because my life goes on and I am busy too. But to come at me as if it is my fault.
Last weekend he called and called and wanted to go out. So I finished my homework and called him up to hang out and he shot down my offers. HE couldn't come up with any ideas and kinda hinted towards not wanting to go out anymore. I asked him why and he said he felt scared about the relationship, if it was going to work. It seems as if he couldn't function knowing she was away from him doing as she pleased with her friends or something. It ruined a possible good time for him....that's how it is for him. Sad

I guess the thing that bothers me is the fact I bend over backwards when he needs emotional support or help moving or whatever. But whenever I need something he is never there because he chooses a girl he barely met, instead of a friend of over 10 years. It's not nice knowing you can't count on someone who could be your bestfriend.
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Old 12-12-2007, 02:40 PM
 
Location: Dallas, Texas
3,589 posts, read 2,974,016 times
Reputation: 533
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hungry For Cheese View Post
I guess the thing that bothers me is the fact I bend over backwards when he needs emotional support or help moving or whatever. But whenever I need something he is never there because he chooses a girl he barely met, instead of a friend of over 10 years. It's not nice knowing you can't count on someone who could be your bestfriend.
Nope, but that's just the way it is. At the beginning of a new relationship, almost anyone is going to prefer spending time with their new boyfriend/girlfriend than other friends. It's natural and it's universal. Some people are just more conscious of it than others.
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Old 12-12-2007, 02:47 PM
 
Location: San Fernando Valley, CA
1,719 posts, read 6,029,868 times
Reputation: 781
I guess, maybe I am a bit different but I think spending EVERY day of every week for months would get tiresome. You would think you would want to hang out with friends. I approach dating as seeing maybe a few times a week, and seeing friends at least a few times a month. He goes in and the girl spends the night the first day they meet...kiss like they've been dating for months/years, hold hands. Just moves very fast. I guess that's the shocker, how everything moves so fast, they don't give themselves time to analyze eachother or think. It's a constant "high" because they are together 24/7.
I'm starting to think maybe we're not as good friends as we'd like to be or think we are.
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Old 12-12-2007, 03:57 PM
 
Location: Branson, Missouri
7,268 posts, read 16,849,851 times
Reputation: 3683
I think it's time to seek other friendships. This guy doesn't care about your feelings.
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Old 12-12-2007, 08:04 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
16,469 posts, read 33,425,465 times
Reputation: 15198
You deserve a better friend that that. When he was married that first time (for 3-4 years) who was your best male friend during that period? I would say that every time this particular friend has a woman in his life, he's going to choose spending all of his time in her company rather than share some of it with you. I think that it's time for you to make some new friends.
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Old 12-12-2007, 08:47 PM
 
Location: huh?
3,099 posts, read 1,913,812 times
Reputation: 498
who needs friends when youve got pringles and coolwhip!
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