U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-23-2014, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Earth
4,565 posts, read 3,800,490 times
Reputation: 6911

Advertisements

Mainly a friend, or maybe ex-friend now.

Maybe you grew apart, they upset you, or you just don't feel close with them anymore, etc, and you just ignore them? Don't take their calls, talk to them, until they get the point you no longer wanna talk or hang out? Rather than a drawn out fight, and/or drama/awkwardness?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-23-2014, 12:46 PM
 
Location: Arlington, VA and Washington, DC
23,647 posts, read 33,445,874 times
Reputation: 32369
Quote:
Originally Posted by VanillaChocolate View Post
Mainly a friend, or maybe ex-friend now.

Maybe you grew apart, they upset you, or you just don't feel close with them anymore, etc, and you just ignore them? Don't take their calls, talk to them, until they get the point you no longer wanna talk or hang out? Rather than a drawn out fight, and/or drama/awkwardness?
I cut one friend out just last night on Facebook for making a stupid comment regarding gay marriage. Not like the friendship was that close anyway. I do not associate with anyone that small minded.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2014, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Long Island, NY
7,846 posts, read 10,830,398 times
Reputation: 9199
Quote:
Originally Posted by VanillaChocolate View Post
Mainly a friend, or maybe ex-friend now.

Maybe you grew apart, they upset you, or you just don't feel close with them anymore, etc, and you just ignore them? Don't take their calls, talk to them, until they get the point you no longer wanna talk or hang out? Rather than a drawn out fight, and/or drama/awkwardness?
Yup. Had a close friend years ago. We were in each other's bridal parties, hung out almost every weekend. Her BF lived about 2 hrs away. When they got married she moved there and dropped off the face of the earth. I emailed and called her often and she rarely responded. Never invited anyone over to watch their video and never gave the bridal party any pictures. I stopped trying to communicate with her. Friendship works both ways.

Now that I think about it, I guess you can say she cut off everyone, huh?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2014, 02:06 PM
 
28,905 posts, read 46,745,065 times
Reputation: 46028
Several friends of mine. Or should I call them acquaintances.

When I was twenty-two, my father fell ill and died. These were guys whom I had let sleep on my couch, lent money, and gotten them out of major jams. A day wouldn't go by when they'd be by my apartment.

Then my father fell ill and died a week later. Nary a peep. None of them could be bothered to show up to the funeral even though it was a Saturday morning and none of them so much as called for a week afterwards. Then they wanted to act as if nothing had happened.

Of these six guys I hung with, only one had the wherewithal to call me up or come to the funeral. That guy is my friend to this day. The others I wrote off immediately and have never missed them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2014, 02:21 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
2,747 posts, read 1,705,599 times
Reputation: 8541
Quote:
Originally Posted by VanillaChocolate View Post
Mainly a friend, or maybe ex-friend now.

Maybe you grew apart, they upset you, or you just don't feel close with them anymore, etc, and you just ignore them? Don't take their calls, talk to them, until they get the point you no longer wanna talk or hang out? Rather than a drawn out fight, and/or drama/awkwardness?
Yes, but I wasn't proud of myself for it. A woman I had gotten to know through work and I had become casual friends, lunch, walks, etc. Then another woman I knew through work developed a repetitive strain injury. The first woman was very dismissive of the injured woman's situation, speaking sarcastically about her and intimating that she had made up the injury and was lying in order to get compensation.

I had suffered a very similar repetitive stress injury some years earlier, and had considerable pain and loss of use of my right hand that lasted for several years. I was always very sensitive about other people feeling I was a malingerer, because the injury didn't show like, say, a split open skull.

When it got to the point where this woman was talking trash about the second woman nearly every time we met up, I had had enough. By that time we didn't work together any longer. I was going on vacation and I told her I would call her when I got back, and I just never did.

I am sorry I did it that way, especially since later we met up by accident and I could tell her feelings were hurt. If I had it to do over, I hope that I would at least express myself to her instead of just fuming in silence and then cutting her off. But I did not like her callous attitude and her easy assumption that a friend of mine was a liar and a cheat.

I had two other friends I broke up with via email. That in a way was even worse. It is so difficult to break up a friendship. Unlike a romantic relationship, you can't just say, "I want to see other people," and hurt feelings are bound to occur no matter how you do it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2014, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Earth
4,565 posts, read 3,800,490 times
Reputation: 6911
I wondered if it was lowdown. I am doing that now. We were friends for a few years, met in HS. She's white, and i'm black.

He weren't close the 1st year, as we didn't hang outside of school, but he hung out and chatted on the bus, then we moved to texting. Then hanging out outside of school.

She outright told me her family was racist. which made me uncomfortable. But then she showed a few signs herself. I don't think she hates any races, but she clearly doesn't think highly of some--or is just ignorant and puts the whole race on alert due to some bad eggs.

When she would come to my house, he's make at least 1 comment about herself, or family being nervous about being in the neighborhood, because she was white and thought she'd be shot, or jumped on.

She says she'd never date anyone that's black.

When she came to pick me up once--the last night I hung with her, she wanted me to meet her at the car because she was nervous outside by herself.

I seem to be the only black friend she had. And she says her family doesn't mind me because I don't look black. So, I have to wonder if that was in the back of her mind as well.

And she just seemed close-mined. Like once she'd made up her mind about something, she couldn't see it any other way, and there was no room for discussion with her.

I may have her totally wrong. But she did make me very uncomfortable. My cell phone broke back in Feb. So, I had to get a new one. Since I got it, I haven't texted her--so she doesn't have my number. But she does have my house phone number, and she called today, which I didn't answer. So I haven't spoken to her in 3 months, heading toward 4. Because I haven't spoken to her since before Feb 7. It was a few days before I got my new phone.

So, I kinda wondered if it's considered cowardly, or heartless to just cut someone out. But, I like to avoid drama, awkwardness and fights when I can--given the drama I have had in my home for years. And with cutting out, you can drift apart in silence rather than the raging fight, or awkward conversation that may follow before breaking it off.

It's just a simple way to get the point across, and avoid the drama. Now I would try not to do this with a boyfriend, or guy I am dating. But a friend--one I am not really to close to, doesn't seem quite as bad.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2014, 05:33 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
2,747 posts, read 1,705,599 times
Reputation: 8541
Quote:
Originally Posted by VanillaChocolate View Post
I wondered if it was lowdown. I am doing that now. We were friends for a few years, met in HS. She's white, and i'm black.

He weren't close the 1st year, as we didn't hang outside of school, but he hung out and chatted on the bus, then we moved to texting. Then hanging out outside of school.

She outright told me her family was racist. which made me uncomfortable. But then she showed a few signs herself. I don't think she hates any races, but she clearly doesn't think highly of some--or is just ignorant and puts the whole race on alert due to some bad eggs.

When she would come to my house, he's make at least 1 comment about herself, or family being nervous about being in the neighborhood, because she was white and thought she'd be shot, or jumped on.

She says she'd never date anyone that's black.

When she came to pick me up once--the last night I hung with her, she wanted me to meet her at the car because she was nervous outside by herself.

I seem to be the only black friend she had. And she says her family doesn't mind me because I don't look black. So, I have to wonder if that was in the back of her mind as well.

And she just seemed close-mined. Like once she'd made up her mind about something, she couldn't see it any other way, and there was no room for discussion with her.

I may have her totally wrong. But she did make me very uncomfortable. My cell phone broke back in Feb. So, I had to get a new one. Since I got it, I haven't texted her--so she doesn't have my number. But she does have my house phone number, and she called today, which I didn't answer. So I haven't spoken to her in 3 months, heading toward 4. Because I haven't spoken to her since before Feb 7. It was a few days before I got my new phone.

So, I kinda wondered if it's considered cowardly, or heartless to just cut someone out. But, I like to avoid drama, awkwardness and fights when I can--given the drama I have had in my home for years. And with cutting out, you can drift apart in silence rather than the raging fight, or awkward conversation that may follow before breaking it off.

It's just a simple way to get the point across, and avoid the drama. Now I would try not to do this with a boyfriend, or guy I am dating. But a friend--one I am not really to close to, doesn't seem quite as bad.
I was gasping when I read some of these things. Wow, I can see why you don't want to continue this "friendship" or whatever you would call it.

I don't see really how you can do it any other way. But even knowing that she is the problem, not you, isn't comforting and probably doesn't make you feel better about not answering her calls. It's just a difficult situation, and I think trying to talk to her about it won't really get you anywhere if her racism is that bone deep. She would probably put it back on you and then you'd just go around and around.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2014, 05:38 PM
 
35,108 posts, read 40,257,322 times
Reputation: 62056
People grow apart, change, move, get different jobs, get married, have children, etc. etc., life goes on and there is no need for any dramatic drug out I don't like you any more because......

No contact will usually give a good hint to the other person and they probably won't pursue the friendship any longer outside of a "how are you" from time to time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2014, 06:11 PM
 
Location: Earth
4,565 posts, read 3,800,490 times
Reputation: 6911
Quote:
Originally Posted by irootoo View Post
I was gasping when I read some of these things. Wow, I can see why you don't want to continue this "friendship" or whatever you would call it.

I don't see really how you can do it any other way. But even knowing that she is the problem, not you, isn't comforting and probably doesn't make you feel better about not answering her calls. It's just a difficult situation, and I think trying to talk to her about it won't really get you anywhere if her racism is that bone deep. She would probably put it back on you and then you'd just go around and around.
Well given my offense level with her, I don't really feel guilty at all. My tolerance is very low, and when I am offended, positive feelings go out the window, sans with my parents of course.

Like in my school years, and had crushes on guys and thought they were cute, but they would tease me, say other girls looked better, or that I was ugly, and big surprise soon as that happened, I instantly hated all of them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2014, 08:59 PM
 
532 posts, read 748,346 times
Reputation: 650
Yes one and almost another.

Friend A -- we met when we were kids, were roommates twice, I was in her wedding. She was married with a child, I am single and don't have any kids.

Marriage was going bad, new friendship with male neighbor, felt like I was being used as a sounding board/.babysitter.

What ended up being our last meal together was a joke, she only wanted to talk about herself. Now, if a friend calls and wants to meet to talk about a problem, an issue, fine, let's talk, but this was just a lunch" for all the interaction I could have sent a photo of myself.

Came home and called another friend and told her, I realized I was yelling out of frustration. My friend asked me one question -- "what are you getting out of this friendship"? I realized absolutely nothing.

She called a month or so later I made up an excuse and never heard from her again.

We did reconnect a couple of years ago on FB, she is in a better place and much happier, we have limited communication with each other.

Another friend, friend B and I have known each other for almost 30 years, about 10 years ago I realized that when we met for dinner, I asked about her kids, husband, job, etc., and she would ask me one question and that was about my parents.

I started to see a pattern and I thought, maybe our friendship has run its course,. I sent her an e-mail that had me in tears writing it.

She responded in shock, we talked a day later and decided to meet over wine and chips. We talked for HOURS, I got everything off my chest, she said she has such a busy life and wanted to go to dinner with me, but was so exhausted. I brought up a sticking point concerning a guy in my life and how it felt not to be able to talk about it with her. She agreed and apologized.

She told me to speak up when we go out and not wait for her to ask me about my life, just tell her.

That was 8 years ago and we are still very, very good friends.

I think that talk was wonderful, cleared the air and our friendship grew as a result.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top