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Get a dog that eats sneakers That's how my kids learned to put their shoes away.
Seriously, though, just talk to him: "Your dad and I are really happy to have you here, but please pick up your shoes, etc. Thanks!"
We have to stay with my MIL for a month this summer while our house is being repaired, and I hope she will tell me if there's anything we're doing that is making her less-than-delighted to have us there.
Btw, grown-ups don't have parents footing their bills.
Your words seem rather insensitive at the moment.
It's the fortunate few who graduate with a job offer in hand, so if it takes a few months for him to find the right position, I'm ok with that. He isn't a slacker. I'm glad he felt welcome to come back here.
It's the fortunate few who graduate with a job offer in hand, so if it takes a few months for him to find the right position, I'm ok with that. He isn't a slacker. I'm glad he felt welcome to come back here.
Please do not get me wrong.
I actually do not see anything wrong with families staying together for longer.
I have never understood the "boot 'em out when they are 18" mentality.
But your example of the shoes is kind of my point.
He was not raised to to not leave his shoes lying around?
You say he ignores or is oblivious of your routine.
It is simply more likely that it does not occur to him to care or pay attention and he takes you for granted.
Believe me, if you were a chick he was trying to bang, he'd be neat as a pin and know what time you pooped in the morning.
He has no incentive to care - AND if it has not occurred to him on his own to respect you in the home you have graciously opened up to him, that was something either never taught or didn't stick.
You kind of want 2 things - you want him to be "at home" as your son but you want him to also behave as a responsible, sensitive, considerate adult in your home.
Communication is key, but that which is communicated needs to be as if he was not related to you. How would you want some stranger to behave in your home?
Also, adults cohabitating all put skin into the game. No rent? Fine. Find another way for him to make a meaningful contribution to the household.
It's the fortunate few who graduate with a job offer in hand, so if it takes a few months for him to find the right position, I'm ok with that. He isn't a slacker. I'm glad he felt welcome to come back here.
I agree - I loved having my son or my stepkids around after college.
He sounds like a fine young man.
This is a lot for him . . . he just graduated, takes on a new job, moves back home . . . I would give him some space and recognize that it is a transition and he is not going to be able to suddenly let go of old habits. I would cut him some slack . . . yeah, the shoes are going to irritate you but in the end, there will come a day when you will wish you had him around more and you would gladly pick up the shoes yourself if you only could have him there!!! I promise you!!!
For one of our kids, who simply couldn't seem to make enough money to pay rent and save up much money (low paying job after college) . . . I put most of his rent money aside and then when he was ready to move out after getting a better job (but couldn't come up with all the money needed right away for downpayments, security deposit, etc) . . . I handed him the envelope with that money in it. It was an emotional moment for us both. He had been a good son, had worked hard, and by being responsible with paying rent, I was able to hand some of it back to him and tell him that he had invested in his own future . . . that this is what being responsible is about . . . planning for the future and taking care of yourself and being respectful to those around you. He managed to do all those things.
Once they are gone, you really will find yourself enjoying the household being back in order, but at the same time, realizing you would put up with the laundry on the floor and the shoes kicked off in the middle of the room and the garage door that got left open over night . . . if you could just have them back home for a while. It all goes too fast . . .
Honestly, some stuff left lying around, not noticing when there are jobs that could use a hand, and kitchen use at odd times are pretty minimal problems compared to the shenanigans many young adults get up to, and pretty minimal compared to how bad a lot of people are at housekeeping, too. My suggestion is just to be direct with him. "Please don't leave your things in the living room." "Dad is going to clean out the garage this week - is there a good time for you to help him?" I'd avoid crossing the line into nagging because that's no fun for you or for him, but if he's not a type A personality or a neatnik chances are he doesn't even notice, so there's no point in dropping hints or hoping he'll have a random lightbulb moment regarding tidiness. It's your house, so if you want things a certain way, just say so. There doesn't need to be a value judgement attached to it.
As far as coming and going at random hours goes, he's a competent adult, so there's no point in even giving a whiff of curfew. Just make it easy for him to enter and exit without disturbing anyone. I remember visiting my parents as an adult and they'd leave their yappy dog in the living room at night and an obstacle course of stuff in the entryway and all the doors were creaky and they went to bed at like 9 pm...it was impossible to slip in without making a racket. Now if he's legitimately being too noisy when he comes home, just let him know. "Hon, I need my beauty sleep - if you come in after X time, keep it down."
It's the fortunate few who graduate with a job offer in hand, so if it takes a few months for him to find the right position, I'm ok with that. He isn't a slacker. I'm glad he felt welcome to come back here.
I would tell him to pick up his things, explain to him that you just can't take the mess. If he messes up the kitchen, it is his responsibility to clean it up. Same goes for leaving the bathroom nice.
After that conversation, I would just enjoy having him home again for awhile. Pretty soon he will be gone to live his own life and this could be a nice time for both of you to remember forever.
I'd approach this like potty training a puppy. Place pee pads, in your case laundry baskets, in the corners where he's most likely to leave his little surprises of dirty socks, etc. Yes, you'll have a lot of baskets around to start with but you want to praise him to high heaven when he uses them. Eventually it becomes a habit. Then remove one. Just one. He will seek out another basket. Continue this process over the course of a couple of weeks and at the end, he's dropping his undesirable effects in just one location, hopefully the laundry hamper in his room.
Have fun. He's your son. "laying down the law" isn't exactly treating him like an adult. So I suggest treating him like a puppy. j/k but he's not exactly acting like a responsible adult. Still, you can involve him in regular chores DAILY so he gets those habits ingrained. Don't fight about it. He sounds like a great kiddo.
Honestly, some stuff left lying around, not noticing when there are jobs that could use a hand, and kitchen use at odd times are pretty minimal problems compared to the shenanigans many young adults get up to, and pretty minimal compared to how bad a lot of people are at housekeeping, too. My suggestion is just to be direct with him. "Please don't leave your things in the living room." "Dad is going to clean out the garage this week - is there a good time for you to help him?" I'd avoid crossing the line into nagging because that's no fun for you or for him, but if he's not a type A personality or a neatnik chances are he doesn't even notice, so there's no point in dropping hints or hoping he'll have a random lightbulb moment regarding tidiness. It's your house, so if you want things a certain way, just say so. There doesn't need to be a value judgement attached to it.
As far as coming and going at random hours goes, he's a competent adult, so there's no point in even giving a whiff of curfew. Just make it easy for him to enter and exit without disturbing anyone. I remember visiting my parents as an adult and they'd leave their yappy dog in the living room at night and an obstacle course of stuff in the entryway and all the doors were creaky and they went to bed at like 9 pm...it was impossible to slip in without making a racket. Now if he's legitimately being too noisy when he comes home, just let him know. "Hon, I need my beauty sleep - if you come in after X time, keep it down."
Btw, grown-ups don't have parents footing their bills.
That's my feeling -- a child is a person who is dependent on parents for basic needs -- so as long as my kids are in my house, they are my kids and I can tell them to pick up after themselves.
I allow adult children to stay living in my house so they can get on their feet -- but they know I have to mostly enjoy their presence in it.
I'm actually kind of lax and always have been at least about certain things -- they can clutter their own bedrooms as they like but they can't throw their stuff everywhere. The irony, by the time they're about 16, they all seem to get neater than I am. I don't care if they stay up all night, I'm a bit of a nightowl myself so it doesn't bother me. They seem to want me to stay up with them but I work in the day time.
At any rate, I think the parents can keep most of the same rules whatever they are, the adult kid should be grateful for the free or cheap place to live -- my kids seem to be fine with close to the same rules they always had. That way the parents won't end up resenting the kids.
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That's how my kids learned to put their shoes away.
Great suggestions.
