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Old 05-23-2014, 11:20 PM
 
13,169 posts, read 20,791,547 times
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My son recently graduated college, and returned home. He has a job, at least for the summer, but not one in his field of study. He's sending out resumes and has had a few interviews. Realistically, he's still dependent on us for food and shelter.

I'm finding it hard to stop treating him like a child, and to recognize him as an adult. Part of that is because after living with his buddies for several years, he's gotten used to dropping his belongings everywhere. He works mostly at night, and sleeps during the day. His meal schedule doesn't coincide with ours, so the kitchen is constantly in use. I didn't expect having him here would disrupt things quite so much, but I do want him to feel welcome, and I want to recognize that he's a (mostly) grown man.

He does help out with jobs around the house, when asked. He's a good guy, but not exactly observant of things that need doing, or our regular routines.

Since so many threads on here involve issues between parents and their offspring, I want to avoid them in my own house. Can any adults living with their parents, or parents who have gone through this, offer advice?
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Old 05-24-2014, 02:12 AM
 
18,352 posts, read 23,527,654 times
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you will always be his mother and mother him..

if he is a slob, then tell him that, if he is disrespecting you, then tell him that...

young men are notorious for taking their mother for granted...

if he wants an adult relationship, then he needs to stop acting like a child- its a 2 way street
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Old 05-24-2014, 06:54 AM
 
7,961 posts, read 9,710,285 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
My son recently graduated college, and returned home. He has a job, at least for the summer, but not one in his field of study. He's sending out resumes and has had a few interviews. Realistically, he's still dependent on us for food and shelter.
Until you start treating him like an adult, he will continue to act like a child. He has a job. It may not be in his field or ideal, but it is a job. Are you making him pay rent? You should be. Realistically, he is not dependent on you for food and shelter. You just assume that, and he is perfectly willing to go along with that belief.
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Old 05-24-2014, 07:52 AM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
7,414 posts, read 12,947,561 times
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Spenc beat me to it. Charge rent. Doesn't have to be a lot. When I moved home (after divorce #1), my dad charged me $125/month to help with utilities and groceries. And if I didn't help my mother do things around the house, rent would go up. But the few times when I was between jobs for a few weeks, rent dropped to a percentage of my unemployment check. $125 doesn't sound like much these days but it was a big chunk of my funds in the mid 70s.
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Old 05-24-2014, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
224 posts, read 824,000 times
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I don't know if I would charge rent. If you charge too much, depending on his income, it may prevent him from saving enough to move out, LOL. I would definitely ask for help with utilities, though. And I'd have him buy his own food since he's not eating with you.

If he's living with you, you have every right to ask him to pick up his stuff. That would be the same whether he was a child or a roommate.
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Old 05-24-2014, 08:43 AM
 
13,169 posts, read 20,791,547 times
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We aren't charging rent. We do expect he will save money out of each paycheck to build up funds to eventually move out. We will not cosign another lease now that he's graduated.

The food is here if he wants it. I don't shop for special foods on his behalf, but I am encouraging healthier eating on his part, so I'm trying to make it easy.

We don't have any problems, per se, it's just been an adjustment on both sides that we're still working through. It's been minor stuff so far, such as the belongings left all around. If my DH did that, I'd probably put them away myself. I don't want to fall into that maid service mode again, but I don't want to tell my son what to do either. If I ask, he picks up, but with his rather lax sense of time. I'd love to hear from some young adults who have gone through this. A list of "rules" is too drastic, IMO, but maybe I need one?
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Old 05-24-2014, 09:01 AM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
21,873 posts, read 23,152,325 times
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Hmmm...we're not there yet Mattie but I get the dilemma. What if you had a sit-down meeting and discussed "expectations" that are inherent in living there as an adult - not necessarily rules, per se. An adult who benefits from living somewhere other than his very own home would be expected to be a gracious houseguest or roommate correct? The same holds true for living in your parent's home. I'd say you are more than happy to have him living temporarily in your home while he is pulling his new life together but that he needs to step up his game and make adjustments just as you are making adjustments (higher bills and various differences in having another person in your home). I'd expect that he would be responsible for picking up after himself, for cleaning his own space (including bathroom, laundry and the like) and doing anything else that he would expect to do if he were living in someone else's home. Good luck...
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Old 05-24-2014, 09:08 AM
 
Location: Texas
43,556 posts, read 52,667,627 times
Reputation: 70811
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
My son recently graduated college, and returned home. He has a job, at least for the summer, but not one in his field of study. He's sending out resumes and has had a few interviews. Realistically, he's still dependent on us for food and shelter.

I'm finding it hard to stop treating him like a child, and to recognize him as an adult. Part of that is because after living with his buddies for several years, he's gotten used to dropping his belongings everywhere. He works mostly at night, and sleeps during the day. His meal schedule doesn't coincide with ours, so the kitchen is constantly in use. I didn't expect having him here would disrupt things quite so much, but I do want him to feel welcome, and I want to recognize that he's a (mostly) grown man.

He does help out with jobs around the house, when asked. He's a good guy, but not exactly observant of things that need doing, or our regular routines.

Since so many threads on here involve issues between parents and their offspring, I want to avoid them in my own house. Can any adults living with their parents, or parents who have gone through this, offer advice?
The only way another adult is coming to live in my house is if they seamlessly integrate into it.

One way you can treat him as an adult is to have an open, honest conversation with him.
His stuff lying around is up for grabs to be tossed out. And so is he.

If you raised him to be clueless, then you fix it BY TELLING HIM.

If he lives with you, he still has to follow your rules. Even as a grown man.
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Old 05-24-2014, 09:15 AM
 
28,905 posts, read 46,733,389 times
Reputation: 46028
Quote:
Originally Posted by spencgr View Post
Until you start treating him like an adult, he will continue to act like a child. He has a job. It may not be in his field or ideal, but it is a job. Are you making him pay rent? You should be. Realistically, he is not dependent on you for food and shelter. You just assume that, and he is perfectly willing to go along with that belief.
This. Your house, your rules. If that doesn't motivate him, nothing will.
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Old 05-24-2014, 09:32 AM
 
13,239 posts, read 17,779,749 times
Reputation: 19903
You and SO have to sit down with him and lay out the rules. He is your child but your are not his house keeper. We had a similar situation with a young lady. She ignored the talk and everything floating around the common area was gone one morning. An adult can clean up after him/herself, be considerate of those whose house he/she lives in and eats for free. There is no mystery to how a wash machine and a mop work!
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