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Stava I get your situation....no more details needed. I can relate.
Right now I know one person that is using another. It's also not a friend situation. I want to shake the person using and let them know I see what they are doing and tell them to stop behaving the way they are but I can't. All I can do is watch it play out and it's so hard. It's hard for me to be around the user but I can't say anything because I'm afraid the person being used would resent me so I stay out of it. It worries me a lot though.
I was to be around these people Memorial Day weekend but I just couldn't right now so made excuses why I couldn't be there. It's hard to watch. There's nothing I can do but it is so hard to just sit back but that's what I'm doing.
As far as the people in your life and your situation all you can hope is one day the kind and more passive person will one day have enough of this mean person and stand up for themselves and tell the mean person off. I think only then will it help that person gain the respect of the mean person and gain respect for them-self.They need to stand up for themselves and hopefully soon that happens.
I would stay out of it -- sometimes passives don't want to change -- and as long as someone interacts with them, they're more or less fine even if it's not the best interaction.
Passives and aggressives seem to find each other. The aggressives can't handle assertives -- you can only try to help the passive one become more assertive -- but only if they want to change.
"You" are the only person you can change. It's admirable you want to rescue your timid friend, but it's impossible to take on another's issues without you also being affected - and usually it doesn't change anything about the other person's situation.
Unfortunately there are people who take a person's kindness as weakness and prey on them, it's a sad but true fact.
If you can't maintain your friendship with your 'kind' friend without her issues becoming part of your life as well, you may have to back off somewhat as far as being a friend.
If both of these people are in your life, then why not have a talk with the mean person about why she treats the kind person this way. Ask her what's the problem if you are not afraid of taking sides. Sounds like a bully to me.
Because the mean person will only resent it and double down on being mean. I know this from decades of experience with mean people. Yes, you are right, that's a bully. They don't change, ever.
Try to help your gentle friend by spending time with them without the bully, if you can. Go out to lunch, go to movies, take short car trips out of town, involve them with others who are caring people, and so on. Help them see what normal relationships and respectful adult interactions are like.
Since this person has a history of being around others who were "mean", their behavior may be a deeply-rooted survival tactic, or they may unconsciously be trying to fix things that happened long go. It's very likely that the bully first appeared to be attentive, supportive, kind and caring, and that the attachment developed then, and the kind person may still view the bully as she first presented herself, and may be trying to "bring her back". It's likely that she will continue to make excuses for both her and to blame herself, since she first became attached to someone who behaved very differently than they do at present, and the initial attachment is very persuasive.
This is a very common pattern and one which is hard to overcome, as traces of the original presentation continue to emerge on occasion and the kind person will seize upon them as evidence that the other individual has changed or that the bully is both misunderstood by others (and needs defending) and has also misunderstood the kind person's good intentions, etc. Sadly, that's rarely the case.
So - spend time with your friend and try to bring more happiness (and balance) into her life, or at least reduce her exposure or counter her exposure to this dysfunctional relationship. Don't tell her this is your intention, of course. If she brings it up, you can ask leading questions, but don't go on the attack, since this will make her leap to the bully's defense and avoid you.
You can't fix the bully and you can't really fix your friend - but you can be supportive and help make it potentially possible for her to put things back into perspective and make the needed changes in her life.
I chose to back off from the situation about a month ago, and the nice friend is slowly coming around. I've kept things very light and impersonal with her, and I think she's slowly starting to see the huge difference in how she FEELS when she's around me versus the mean person.
But, at this point, I don't have anything invested in this, because just seeing how my nice friend was so willing to kow-tow and even stand up for the person who was bullying her, was enough to make me want to run in the other direction. Her behavior is not normal and I can't invite dysfunction, lack of truth or lack of clarity into my life.
Funny how stepping back and letting drama run its course frees up so much time and space for you to do your OWN thing, to pursue what makes YOU happy, instead of focusing on what others need or "should" do.
Think you need to just figure out why you need to be the hero. Passive people often look for others to solve their problems. Why are you attracted to people that aren't able to stand up for themselves.
Rescue yourself from both personality types and spend time with people that add more to your life than drama.
Think you need to just figure out why you need to be the hero. Passive people often look for others to solve their problems. Why are you attracted to people that aren't able to stand up for themselves.
I have always had a strong sense of justice and I hate to see anyone be taken advantage of. I don't like to idly sit back and watch someone's boundaries get violated. I think it's disgusting how very often people will not call a bully or abuser out on their behavior and will instead turn a blind eye to the abuse. That makes me sick.
It's not being the "hero" that is the draw for me, it's making sure the person has consequences for their bad behavior. If I could stop a bully or abuser in some way, and no one ever knew it was me that did it, that would be perfectly fine with me. As long as they would be stopped.
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