I do not accept the care and feeding of your monkey. (person, member)
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I'm more of a fan of just the NO....they aren't due an excuse...I mean explanation!
Some of you need sales training...overcoming objections 101...any excuse invites inquiry and is just a minor roadblock to overcome...a NO followed by silence is tough to overcome.
I'm more of a fan of just the NO....they aren't due an excuse...I mean explanation!
Some of you need sales training...overcoming objections 101...any excuse invites inquiry and is just a minor roadblock to overcome...a NO followed by silence is tough to overcome.
You are absolutely right, and I see this dealing with the needy/leech seniors in my building who are always asking me for favors, usually for rides in my car.
But, it's tricky when you want to have an otherwise friendly relationship. For instance, I don't want to p*ss off one of these people badly enough that they will go slash my tires or something.
A situation that I'm dealing with right now, is that I go to food banks in town. Of course, the other seniors would like to go, too. But, I don't really want to take them, because so far, none of them ever offer to give me gas money. And sometimes they ask me to take them other places.
So, I've decided that I don't want to take any of them anywhere anymore.
I've been asking friends (who don't live here) for advice. A flat out "no" could be awkward, as I see these people every day, and some are weird enough that they are capable of slashing my tires.
So, I'm going to try saying "Sorry, I need to go alone." And not, "Sorry, I need to go alone today," for instance, as one friend said, if you include the word "today," they'll ask again tomorrow.
The same could be said for "Sorry, I need to go alone," but the hope is that they will then assume I have to go somewhere private or I'm neurotic or whatever, but that they will quit asking.
And adding something past the "no," is just more polite, and easier on keeping things friendly - while still saying "no."
Or that's today's theory anyway LOL!
I am helping a woman in my building who had minor surgery on Wed. I said I'd take her dog out for her for a few days. Then, the night before her surgery, she said it might be for a long time. I wasn't sure how to react, so I didn't say anything.
What I finally did yesterday, though, is tell her I can do this through Sunday, which will give her 5 days, but I can't do it past that. Her dog pulls badly, and I have a bad neck, and I told her it's just too hard on me, physically. What I do, is load up her dog and my dog and take them to the dog park. It's easier to get them to the car, than try and wrestle two dogs on leash to get them to do their business. And, no I don't want to even have to take them out separately. Taking them both to the dog park is easiest, plus then her dog gets exercised, so it will be mellower for her at home.
She kept offering to let me use her car, and I kept saying, I'd rather take mine. I don't want to have to figure out your car, it's just easier to take mine. I thought she was trying to be generous.
So, this morning I say no to using her car again and she says, "But, it's been sitting there for a few days, what if it has a ticket on it?"
OMG
I actually had my faculties about me this morning, and I said, "I do not accept the care and feeding of that monkey."
Just kidding.
What I did say, is "I can't deal with your car."
And then she said, "But what if it won't start?"
And I said, "I can't deal with your car," and rushed out the door.
Jeez Louise.
And I had already told her several times that my neck was killing me and my left hand was numb from the extra physical exertion from dealing with her sled dog (as in, it pulls like a sled dog on leash) - my neck can cause my left hand to go numb if I overdo it.
Did she care about my numb hand and my pain?
But, hey, her car might not start...
If it looks like a monkey, and walks like a monkey...
Last edited by NoMoreSnowForMe; 06-13-2014 at 03:17 PM..
I just used it on my son. He realized late last night that he needed clean clothes for work today, so he threw a load in the washing machine before he went to bed. I was the one who waited for the cycle to finish so I could put it in the dryer.
When he got home from work, I told him I wasn't taking on the care of his monkey. After he got done laughing, I explained the premise. No hard feelings, point made, all is good.
You are absolutely right, and I see this dealing with the needy/leech seniors in my building who are always asking me for favors, usually for rides in my car.
But, it's tricky when you want to have an otherwise friendly relationship. For instance, I don't want to p*ss off one of these people badly enough that they will go slash my tires or something.
A situation that I'm dealing with right now, is that I go to food banks in town. Of course, the other seniors would like to go, too. But, I don't really want to take them, because so far, none of them ever offer to give me gas money. And sometimes they ask me to take them other places.
So, I've decided that I don't want to take any of them anywhere anymore.
I've been asking friends (who don't live here) for advice. A flat out "no" could be awkward, as I see these people every day, and some are weird enough that they are capable of slashing my tires.
So, I'm going to try saying "Sorry, I need to go alone." And not, "Sorry, I need to go alone today," for instance, as one friend said, if you include the word "today," they'll ask again tomorrow.
The same could be said for "Sorry, I need to go alone," but the hope is that they will then assume I have to go somewhere private or I'm neurotic or whatever, but that they will quit asking.
And adding something past the "no," is just more polite, and easier on keeping things friendly - while still saying "no."
Or that's today's theory anyway LOL!
I am helping a woman in my building who had minor surgery on Wed. I said I'd take her dog out for her for a few days. Then, the night before her surgery, she said it might be for a long time. I wasn't sure how to react, so I didn't say anything.
What I finally did yesterday, though, is tell her I can do this through Sunday, which will give her 5 days, but I can't do it past that. Her dog pulls badly, and I have a bad neck, and I told her it's just too hard on me, physically. What I do, is load up her dog and my dog and take them to the dog park. It's easier to get them to the car, than try and wrestle two dogs on leash to get them to do their business. And, no I don't want to even have to take them out separately. Taking them both to the dog park is easiest, plus then her dog gets exercised, so it will be mellower for her at home.
She kept offering to let me use her car, and I kept saying, I'd rather take mine. I don't want to have to figure out your car, it's just easier to take mine. I thought she was trying to be generous.
So, this morning I say no to using her car again and she says, "But, it's been sitting there for a few days, what if it has a ticket on it?"
OMG
I actually had my faculties about me this morning, and I said, "I do not accept the care and feeding of that monkey."
Just kidding.
What I did say, is "I can't deal with your car."
And then she said, "But what if it won't start?"
And I said, "I can't deal with your car," and rushed out the door.
Jeez Louise.
And I had already told her several times that my neck was killing me and my left hand was numb from the extra physical exertion from dealing with her sled dog (as in, it pulls like a sled dog on leash) - my neck can cause my left hand to go numb if I overdo it.
Did she care about my numb hand and my pain?
But, hey, her car might not start...
If it looks like a monkey, and walks like a monkey...
You sound like a very nice person. Unfortunately, niceness is sometimes confused with weakness. I hate to see people taken advantage of just because other people don't want to deal with their own problems. I know it will probably be difficult for you, but what I suggest is that you try to make excuses, hell, I would even tell them you have a gynocologist appt or just make up whatever excuse you have. Of course, there are some people that that may not work on and for those you may have to be direct, short and to the point.
Remember, we TEACH people how to treat US. If you are always available to help people, then they will come to associate you with always being available, even if it is an inconvenience for you.
In our house, "remind me to…" is met with "that's what Siri is for."
I can just imagine if I told my kids that I do not accept the care and feeding of their monkey. They would turn it to mean "mom said we can have a monkey as long as she doesn't have to take care of it."
I'm a grown woman and I laughed. Kind of what I thought initially.
I try to be kind to people, perhaps too kind but I just couldn't say that; from me, it would come out snotty and that's not me.
I'd probably write out a post it note and put it on the co-worker's computer.
No need for a cute phrase. "No." is a complete sentence that requires no explanation.
OP here.
To clarify - I don't go around saying "I do not accept the care and feeding of this monkey" INSTEAD of simply saying "no." But it's a learning tool that I use with kids, co workers, neighbors - anyone who tends to CONSISTENTLY try to push their own responsibilities off on me. In other words, I use it in the context of explaining the concept and why I won't take on whatever it is they're trying to push onto me.
It also comes in handy when differentiating between choosing to simply be nice, or inadvertently taking on someone else's monkeys on a regular basis.
The phrase falls into the same category as the similar phrase that others have mentioned (one I grew up with in our military family - it's a favorite in military culture): "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." Of course I don't just throw that out every time I THINK it - it's a personal philosophy though - a sort of reminder to myself, not just to others. In other words, I apply both mind sets to myself as well as others. I don't want to be "that person" who abuses the generosity of others.
By the way, I didn't make this concept up - it's been around a while. I believe the phrases "Who's got the monkey" and "I do not accept the care and feeding of your monkey" originated in the Harvard Business Review in 1974 and has been one of the HBR's top selling and most requested reprints of all time.
Unfortunately, this rarely is the case.
Oftentimes, the people who are always helping and bending over backwards for others-- are the ones shafted when they need help.
It's the nature of the beast!
This has been my experience. I have had to learn to set up better boundaries and say no to favors. I like helping people, but friendship is a two way street.
To clarify - I don't go around saying "I do not accept the care and feeding of this monkey" INSTEAD of simply saying "no." But it's a learning tool that I use with kids, co workers, neighbors - anyone who tends to CONSISTENTLY try to push their own responsibilities off on me. In other words, I use it in the context of explaining the concept and why I won't take on whatever it is they're trying to push onto me.
It also comes in handy when differentiating between choosing to simply be nice, or inadvertently taking on someone else's monkeys on a regular basis.
The phrase falls into the same category as the similar phrase that others have mentioned (one I grew up with in our military family - it's a favorite in military culture): "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." Of course I don't just throw that out every time I THINK it - it's a personal philosophy though - a sort of reminder to myself, not just to others. In other words, I apply both mind sets to myself as well as others. I don't want to be "that person" who abuses the generosity of others.
By the way, I didn't make this concept up - it's been around a while. I believe the phrases "Who's got the monkey" and "I do not accept the care and feeding of your monkey" originated in the Harvard Business Review in 1974 and has been one of the HBR's top selling and most requested reprints of all time.
Thank you...just started reading these. They are excellent.
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