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I mean you no malice at all, but this is going to be somewhat blunt. I suspect you're not going to like all of what I say, but please understand, I'm not attacking you. I just want to point out a couple of things you may not be seeing, and trying to look at it from the eyes of the other people in the church.
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Originally Posted by aneye4detail
Thank you OHKY and thinkalot. I too was a little annoyed at his "assumption" and "jump to conclusion" based on the few words I said.
Mmm, OK. But then...
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Originally Posted by aneye4detail
Yes, I am going in hopes of receiving help with my addiction to alcohol.
So why were you annoyed? He correctly interpreted what you were saying, so what's the problem? That's a dead-serious question. I'm not trying to provoke you, or poke at you with a stick, but I think it's an important question, and if you gave it some serious reflection, it might give you some insights into why you're having trouble forming friendships at your church.
You may think you didn't give us much information to work with, but the reality is, the information you did give strongly suggested a pretty clear picture, and quite a lot of us probably interpreted it rather accurately. And you find it "annoying" that you weren't able to conceal your true self as well as you'd hoped. I suggest that if this sort of dynamic is typical of your personal relationships with the church people, it could help explain why they aren't eager to form close friendships with you.
Or, maybe I'm making too much of that, and am way off target. Only you can decide. It's just some food for thought.
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Originally Posted by aneye4detail
Yes, omg, I sat there in a meeting with a group of women and spoke of how I wish to be healed of my addiction and then was busted out by one of them when she got behind me in line at the grocery store after the meeting and there was a six-pack of beer in my cart! How embarrassing!!! And yep, humans being humans, that information could quickly be sent back to everyone at church!
It's not often that I find myself in the position of defending devout Christians, but again, this could explain a lot about why the people in the church are keeping you at arm's length. If these are truly dedicated Christians, who take the tenets of their faith seriously, they may very well feel a little skeptical about someone who talks the talk in one venue but walks a very different walk when she's at the liquor store.
Yes, I know that people are human, and the road to recovery is a very difficult one - and that it doesn't always follow a straight line. My father was an alcoholic, who quit when I was a child, and I saw what he went through. Let's just say you have my deepest respect for even trying to do what you're doing; I'm not judging you at all if you slip once in a while. I'm just saying that some of them might, and that's understandable - especially if they're still trying to get to know you.
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Originally Posted by aneye4detail
I just figure hey, I'm in a process right now of being shown that I do have a problem and that I do need to address it. Will I quit for good some day soon? I don't know to be honest. Have I stopped doing much of the debauchery associated with it? For the most part. So it is a journey...........
it is a journey - a long one, and a hard one. As I said, you have my utmost respect and admiration for even having the guts to set out on that journey, and I'm wishing you nothing but success. You strike me as someone who's basically a really good and decent person, and a sincere one - even though I know that might not sound consistent with what I said in this post. I think you're someone who really is trying, and is in the very early stages of a process that can be difficult to understand while you're going through it. Best of luck to you, and I hope I didn't make you feel badly with what I wrote.
So why were you annoyed? He correctly interpreted what you were saying, so what's the problem? That's a dead-serious question. I'm not trying to provoke you, or poke at you with a stick, but I think it's an important question, and if you gave it some serious reflection, it might give you some insights into why you're having trouble forming friendships at your church.
You may think you didn't give us much information to work with, but the reality is, the information you did give strongly suggested a pretty clear picture, and quite a lot of us probably interpreted it rather accurately. And you find it "annoying" that you weren't able to conceal your true self as well as you'd hoped. I suggest that if this sort of dynamic is typical of your personal relationships with the church people, it could help explain why they aren't eager to form close friendships with you.
Yes, I know that people are human, and the road to recovery is a very difficult one - and that it doesn't always follow a straight line. My father was an alcoholic, who quit when I was a child, and I saw what he went through. Let's just say you have my deepest respect for even trying to do what you're doing; I'm not judging you at all if you slip once in a while. I'm just saying that some of them might, and that's understandable - especially if they're still trying to get to know you.
it is a journey - a long one, and a hard one. As I said, you have my utmost respect and admiration for even having the guts to set out on that journey, and I'm wishing you nothing but success. You strike me as someone who's basically a really good and decent person, and a sincere one - even though I know that might not sound consistent with what I said in this post. I think you're someone who really is trying, and is in the very early stages of a process that can be difficult to understand while you're going through it. Best of luck to you, and I hope I didn't make you feel badly with what I wrote.
I was annoyed because he immediately threw me in a box. Obviously by a couple of other responses, I was justified in feeling so.
You're right about me painting a pretty clear picture. I know I am an open book, I really don't try to hide things.
Thank you for saying that I have your deepest respect; that you see me as a decent and sincere person. I will take that and soak in it!
Community group went well last night. A woman from CR brought fudgesicles specially for me. She too spoke of wanting to surround herself with Christian women, and she seems to be succeeding. So maybe I will get some tips from her. I did tell them of my issues with my best friend who is not living the Christian life either. So they know I've currently got my foot in both worlds right now. Ugh. Time to pick a side!
I was annoyed because he immediately threw me in a box. Obviously by a couple of other responses, I was justified in feeling so.
You're right about me painting a pretty clear picture. I know I am an open book, I really don't try to hide things.
Thank you for saying that I have your deepest respect; that you see me as a decent and sincere person. I will take that and soak in it!
Community group went well last night. A woman from CR brought fudgesicles specially for me. She too spoke of wanting to surround herself with Christian women, and she seems to be succeeding. So maybe I will get some tips from her. I did tell them of my issues with my best friend who is not living the Christian life either. So they know I've currently got my foot in both worlds right now. Ugh. Time to pick a side!
It's not a box, it's the truth. If it quacks like a duck, it's a duck - you said you were an alcohol abuser attending recovery meetings. That says you're an alcoholic pretty clearly - should I have not mentioned it out of politeness? You're on the wrong board for that.
If you can't own it, you're never going to be able to address it successfully.
It's not ALL you are, but it's a part of you - just like your blood type, your hair color, etc. You're currently still viewing alcoholism as a lifestyle choice rather than an illness that you can decide to treat or not treat. And treating it means you give up alcohol.
You're playing at getting sober right now. It's all "I'm religious now, I have different people in my life, I go to meetings!" but have you stopped drinking?
Yes, you're absolutely right - it's time to pick a side. But do you know what the sides even are? Your current outlook appears to be "Christian and sober" vs. "alcoholism and depravity" (speaking of boxes). That's not really how the world divides up.
I'm not saying it's easy - I know people who have come through addiction and I am in awe of them. You have a hard road ahead of you, and, imho you need to get in the right head space to do it. If you want to really move forward, you should probably get a therapist - there are plenty that approach things from a Christian perspective, and you could probably find one through your church.
But you asked originally about finding like-minded friends that will keep you on the right path - the way to do that is to act like a functional adult (rather than act like an addict). You will attract friends who match your behavior. You're in that weird transitional phase in between right now, and that makes it harder to form permanent friendships.
I guess I didn't grow up as this kind of Christian. The kind I have always professed to be accepts people, flaws and all. We don't judge others or put ourselves up as someone that has all the answers. Jesus accepted everyone and loved them all. If you are attending a church or trying to be friends with so-called Christian women that don't accept you, they are not living as Christians.
I guess I didn't grow up as this kind of Christian. The kind I have always professed to be accepts people, flaws and all. We don't judge others or put ourselves up as someone that has all the answers. Jesus accepted everyone and loved them all. If you are attending a church or trying to be friends with so-called Christian women that don't accept you, they are not living as Christians.
This is what I was logging on to say.
OP, any church is full of sinners, and any true Christian knows that. Of course, you can't be a person who says, "OH, well, I have flaws!" and not work to overcome them.
That old saying is appropriate: "Every saint has a past; every sinner has a future."
I guess I didn't grow up as this kind of Christian. The kind I have always professed to be accepts people, flaws and all. We don't judge others or put ourselves up as someone that has all the answers. Jesus accepted everyone and loved them all. If you are attending a church or trying to be friends with so-called Christian women that don't accept you, they are not living as Christians.
Well, we don't know for sure that they were being judgmental. They could be very good, devout Christians, true to their faith, who simply don't want to be friends with the OP. Telling her that she'd have more success forming friendships if she weren't drinking isn't necessarily judgmental - it could just be them being honest and objective about why they don't want to be friends. If the OP is living a lifestyle that's significantly different than theirs, it's not surprising that they don't see a basis for close friendship. That might just be all that's happening here, for all we know.
To be clear, the ladies that told me that I need to stop drinking in order to be healthy meant that I should do that if I want to meet a nice man. I agree with them wholeheartedly. If I continue to drink, who am I going to meet? A drinker. And then that will just keep me in my downward spin. If I stop, become healthy, then I will be much better equipped to meet someone who is also livng a purer life.
To be clear, the ladies that told me that I need to stop drinking in order to be healthy meant that I should do that if I want to meet a nice man. I agree with them wholeheartedly. If I continue to drink, who am I going to meet? A drinker. And then that will just keep me in my downward spin. If I stop, become healthy, then I will be much better equipped to meet someone who is also livng a purer life.
This is your problem. You drink. Find some AA meetings and the attend frequently and consistently. Stop drinking.
Forget dating. Forget the people in your church. You will never be friends with any of them because they know you're a drinker. That won't change in 20 years. It's incompatible. You will always be a social liability and a object of pity. It's just how things work.
Don't make excuses because they're just excuses. That's all there is to it.
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