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Old 06-18-2014, 10:37 AM
 
17 posts, read 26,223 times
Reputation: 22

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 30to66at55 View Post
You better learn fast how to deal with this if you want to succeed in the workplace.
Exactly why I made the thread!

Quote:
Originally Posted by cdnirene View Post
If you feel strongly and you know the other person won't budge, instead of arguing and the atmosphere becoming tense, try suggesting that the issue be put to a vote and you both go with the majority decision. After all, the grades of everyone in the group are affected.
Interesting advice. But she was so intimidating to the others, could they have voted for her anyway? Most of them had said privately that they were "scared" of getting in her way. Maybe I should direct them here too

Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Also, you need to work closely with these types from the beginning of the project. Make them think your ideas are their ideas. Give them ownership of the process, and they will be more accommodating and less defensive. Read some books on negotiation and conflict management.

Most important, stop thinking of yourself as a powerless victim.
Thanks zentropa. I thought I was going to be told to (verbally) fight back but I guess in this case you have to be smart to deal with people like that. As for thinking of myself as a powerless victim, doing nothing at the time was probably better - I might otherwise have made the situation worse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adhom View Post
With a stick.
If ALL else fails, I'll consider this.
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Old 06-18-2014, 11:19 AM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,657,080 times
Reputation: 54730
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ina Pickle View Post
Thanks zentropa. I thought I was going to be told to (verbally) fight back but I guess in this case you have to be smart to deal with people like that. As for thinking of myself as a powerless victim, doing nothing at the time was probably better - I might otherwise have made the situation worse.
Good thinking--yes, managing conflict takes some finesse. It is the opposite of powerlessness. You never want to do anything to escalate.
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Old 06-18-2014, 11:34 AM
 
9,895 posts, read 9,536,550 times
Reputation: 10084
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ina Pickle View Post
I recently completed a group assignment, but one of the members did not act as a teammate. In fact, hours before the deadline, she trashed a 6,000-word project outline I wrote after it had been reviewed by the rest of the group and our teacher. As the class worked on their desks around us, she repeated in a loud voice that my writing was “terrible” and that “I’d failed to grasp a basic understanding of the English language”. She then annotated it with her criticisms, most of it in capitals, and I was forced to rewrite it because the group did not want any drama stemming from a confrontation. The girl then disagreed with all of my suggestions for the final project thereafter, even if I pointed out blatant mistakes, and in the end they were kept in.

I had never been treated like this before and nobody else in the team, who I considered friends, openly challenged this behaviour and would not back me up if I did. I walked out for a short while to let off steam because I did not know what to do – I had been ripped apart, I had no support and I wondered if confronting her in public would have made me look bad.

I’ve since learnt that no matter how nice, accommodating or apologetic you are, you can still be the target of bullying behaviour. So what would have been the best thing to do in this situation? Or if something like this happened to you/someone you know, how was it stopped?
a couple of things. First, even though you hated how the teacher criticized you, was she right in that your English was bad?

#2 - the fact that you went away steaming meant you kept your anger to yourself. sometimes you have to call out people and tell them what they did was bad.

#3 - sometimes the best way to handle a bully, is not to answer them, nor respond. Silence. Walk away, but thats only if you can deal with it.

In your case, since you are not confronting a dangerous person, then I would have went to the person and told them how what they said made you feel.
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Old 06-18-2014, 11:48 AM
 
Location: South Florida
924 posts, read 1,670,701 times
Reputation: 3311
Had I been in your group, I would have had your back to the end but if I had not seen any hint out of you that you were going to fight for yourself, I would have stayed quiet. If you're okay with it, I'm okay with it. I would need to see something from you that would indicate that I'm not about to make this my fight with you standing behind me going "Yeah, what she said!" All you would have had to say is "I worked hard on this, it has been approved by everyone else and the teacher and as far as I'm concerned, this phase is done." If she had pushed it, I would have backed you up and said that I agree and let's move on. I bet the rest of the group would have rolled their eyes at her and said "agreed, let's move on."
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Old 06-18-2014, 11:55 AM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,201,337 times
Reputation: 4985
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
(So this is what is called "bullying" these days? No wonder there are so many self-proclaimed "victims" everywhere.)

OP, what you experienced was a strong personality with strong ideas running roughshod over the group. She criticized your work. Oh no. It happens in the workplace every day. You gain techniques for working with these types over time.

Bullying involves targeted verbal, emotional or physical abuse. Remember that before throwing that loaded word around.
She did suffer VERBAL ABUSE. Please explain why she didn't.
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Old 06-18-2014, 11:57 AM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,201,337 times
Reputation: 4985
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adhom View Post
With a stick.
Sometimes when you just grab them by the face and slam their head into a wall three times they will think about it before doing it again. Just make sure no one is looking.
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Old 06-18-2014, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Canada
7,668 posts, read 5,475,850 times
Reputation: 8808
Many years ago when I was in my 20s and dealing with the "boss from hell", I took an assertiveness training course and read a couple of books on the subject. It literally changed my life.

I googled and found this article which will introduce you to the subject :

Building Assertiveness in 4 Steps | World of Psychology

There are a number of techniques you can learn - too much to cover on message board. This is one example though:

Never attack the person when you are trying to explain your position. If you say "you are stupid to think that" then the person will be focusing mentally entirely on how to respond to the attack when you finish talking and won't really "hear" your point of view. On the other hand if you say "I think it's a bad idea and this is why...", they are more likely to listen to what you have to say with an open mind.
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Old 06-18-2014, 12:47 PM
 
552 posts, read 833,167 times
Reputation: 1066
Go on the offense..... the best defense is a good offense. Someone attacks you, dont defend yourself, attack them back.
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Old 06-18-2014, 01:17 PM
 
Location: Nassau County, NY
188 posts, read 249,716 times
Reputation: 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ina Pickle View Post
I recently completed a group assignment, but one of the members did not act as a teammate. In fact, hours before the deadline, she trashed a 6,000-word project outline I wrote after it had been reviewed by the rest of the group and our teacher. As the class worked on their desks around us, she repeated in a loud voice that my writing was “terrible” and that “I’d failed to grasp a basic understanding of the English language”. She then annotated it with her criticisms, most of it in capitals, and I was forced to rewrite it because the group did not want any drama stemming from a confrontation. The girl then disagreed with all of my suggestions for the final project thereafter, even if I pointed out blatant mistakes, and in the end they were kept in.

I had never been treated like this before and nobody else in the team, who I considered friends, openly challenged this behaviour and would not back me up if I did. I walked out for a short while to let off steam because I did not know what to do – I had been ripped apart, I had no support and I wondered if confronting her in public would have made me look bad.

I’ve since learnt that no matter how nice, accommodating or apologetic you are, you can still be the target of bullying behaviour. So what would have been the best thing to do in this situation? Or if something like this happened to you/someone you know, how was it stopped?
I'm not gonna lie. Crap like this is why I dropped out of college twice and work for myself. I don't even have clients I need to manage or please. At this point in my life in fact, I would have yelled at her, ripped her apart socially (she's jealous because she's fat and her husband is cheating on her, she is a narcissist with bad grammar skills, her hair is stupid and look at her shoes! etc etc) and then walked away and ate ice cream at the beach. **** them all.

So I have no advice for you except that you need to discredit her very much in front of everyone the way she did you. Immediately. Ask yourself this question: how stupid is her hair, and what one really great line can you use to dismantle her sick, twisted ego? Then just keep going from there in a very calm and ordered way that does not look as if you are directly targeting her. "The only way that we will accomplish our goal is by implementing Y" (Y being your method) and "I have no data to be able to justify doing Z" (z being her method) etc.

Bottom line: Do NOT let her rattle you- that is her one and only goal, well besides the general power play.

Source: I am pure evil and it's so much fun being me
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Old 06-18-2014, 01:20 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,657,080 times
Reputation: 54730
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tcoma11 View Post
Go on the offense..... the best defense is a good offense. Someone attacks you, dont defend yourself, attack them back.
No.
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