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Old 06-20-2014, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,223,092 times
Reputation: 73924

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Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
Lighten up, folks, and put your glasses in place. Some reading comprehension is seriously in order here! It's crystal clear from my previous posts on this thread that I agree with the majority that the OP should decline the trip. I even related two similar incidents which affected me and my vacations. What I was specifically responding to and commenting upon was the opinion that the OP should directly tell her friend that she is, "uncomfortable with the immoral choice (you have) made". If the distinction doesn't register, sorry, but I don't know how to put it any more simply.

I don't think I am having a problem with the reading comprehension here.

From the op:

Her married boyfriend and his friends will be there for a bachelor party...

Ugh.


Now I really don't want to go anymore and I know she will be disappointed, but it just isn't a situation that I want to put myself in.

This time I have no idea what I will tell her. I just don't agree with the situation and I don't want any of his married friends thinking they're going to get lucky over here. No way. Not having it.

How can I deal with this awkward situation without losing a friend. Like I said - love the girl to death, but just not her situation.



Is it still unclear that part of her reticence involves the disgusting choices her friend is making? I am just advocating growing a pair and standing up and saying it. This is what I said to a friend once (she was stepping out on her husband and kept coming to me all guilt-ridden and angsty):

"I know you. This is not you. This is not the character of the person I know. You know this is wrong. You have two choices - leave him or stop this. I don't want to talk about it with you anymore."

She stopped it and redoubled her efforts towards her family.
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Old 06-20-2014, 12:13 PM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,665 posts, read 69,572,713 times
Reputation: 26727
^^ Read your post to which I was referring to and quoted.

Hint: I don't agree with anything that the friend is doing and, yes, I find it morally unnacceptable but I don't think the OP should directly say to her friend, "I don't approve of your immoral activities". All she need say, as others have suggested, is that she's declining the trip and would prefer to go on a "girlfriend trip" which she thought it was - or something similar.

Do you now understand? Actually, that's a rhetorical question because that's my best chance of trying to explain what I thought in context was pretty easy to understand.
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Old 06-20-2014, 12:18 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,223,092 times
Reputation: 73924
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
^^ Read your post to which I was referring to and quoted.

Hint: I don't agree with anything that the friend is doing and, yes, I find it morally unnacceptable but I don't think the OP should directly say to her friend, "I don't approve of your immoral activities". All she need say, as others have suggested, is that she's declining the trip and would prefer to go on a "girlfriend trip" which she thought it was - or something similar.

Do you now understand? Actually, that's a rhetorical question because that's my best chance of trying to explain what I thought in context was pretty easy to understand.
I understand what you are saying. You also are not in favor of the cheatery (and I never thought you were or have ever been given the impression that you are of questionable moral character) but you don't feel she needs to blurt out all that stuff in the course of declining to go on the trip.

I disagree.

I think she should stand up and say straight out what the problem is and not hide behind this weak, "Mew mew mew...I wish it was just us girls...mew mew mew" horsepucky. BECAUSE THE MARRIED GUY THING IS A BIG PART OF THE REASON SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO.

This problem is not going to go away. This friend, who is assuming the op is totally cool with the boinking of some other woman's husband, is going to ask her to be part of social situations again in the future. By not saying something, the op is basically giving the friend the feel-good rubby-rubby huggie-poo reassurance that her behavior is approved of.

Op, you understand that this friend thinks you are just as skanky as she is, right? Because you totally go along with this behavior. She is not paying you a compliment by being your friend. She is using your friendship to justify her behavior (Hey, look! There are other scuzzy people just like me!)
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Old 06-20-2014, 12:31 PM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,665 posts, read 69,572,713 times
Reputation: 26727
^^^ Fine, your opinion and ergo we agree to disagree on the methodology of declining.
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Old 06-20-2014, 12:41 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,223,092 times
Reputation: 73924
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
^^^ Fine, your opinion and ergo we agree to disagree on the methodology of declining.
What would you advise the op to say each and every time this situation comes up?
Just talk around it and make up excuses?

I guess I just wonder why you wouldn't have her address this head-on.
You also don't strike me as the type of person who tiptoes around their friends.
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Old 06-20-2014, 12:54 PM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,665 posts, read 69,572,713 times
Reputation: 26727
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
What would you advise the op to say each and every time this situation comes up?
Just talk around it and make up excuses?

I guess I just wonder why you wouldn't have her address this head-on.
You also don't strike me as the type of person who tiptoes around their friends.
There's no need for there to be an "each and every time" as now the OP knows what the scoop is and in future (if another trip is suggested) she'll be sure to find out if this is what she hopes it's going to be and not a "patsy" trip.

The answer to your second question hinges on my basic reluctance to unsolicitedly pass moral judgment on anyone. The analogy you made about your friend who was cheating on her husband was a completely different situation because the woman, "kept coming to me all guilt-ridden and angsty". Not the case here, at least from what has been divulged. There is a time and a place for everything.
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Old 06-20-2014, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA, now.
21,020 posts, read 19,291,518 times
Reputation: 23659
Remember mods use red...lots of other colors.
Thanks.
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Old 06-20-2014, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,223,092 times
Reputation: 73924
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
There's no need for there to be an "each and every time" as now the OP knows what the scoop is and in future (if another trip is suggested) she'll be sure to find out if this is what she hopes it's going to be and not a "patsy" trip.

The answer to your second question hinges on my basic reluctance to unsolicitedly pass moral judgment on anyone. The analogy you made about your friend who was cheating on her husband was a completely different situation because the woman, "kept coming to me all guilt-ridden and angsty". Not the case here, at least from what has been divulged. There is a time and a place for everything.
This conversation is going to come up again.

Her friend is going to invite her to things again.
Her friend is going to start to wonder why she declines to go.
Her friend (assuming she's not a complete moron) will notice the pattern with her not going and her married boyfriend being there.
Tip-toeing will only take the op so far.

It's not a different situation in the sense that the cheating situation was being brought up repeatedly. In my case, the friend talked about it (to vent more than for advice - she really wasn't there for my guidance). In the op's case, the friend keeps exposing her to it and acting/expecting everything to be "cool."

It wasn't cool for my friend to be doing it and it's not cool for the op's friend to be doing it.

Rare is the occasion where someone comes up to you and solicits advice regarding the morality of something. Most people have already decided in their heads the answer the want or the perspective they will maintain.

I feel like if I love someone, I will speak up at least once (and perhaps only once) to give them the opportunity to hear someone who loves them give them an honest opinion of their situation and also allow them the opportunity to not regret going against their own principles and hating themselves later.

I don't think it is unsolicited moralizing for the op to just stand up and say (without being all wishy-washy), "I don't want to go because I don't feel comfortable with this situation." I think that's being an honest friend.
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Old 06-20-2014, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Living on the Coast in Oxnard CA
16,289 posts, read 32,273,106 times
Reputation: 21891
I would maybe ask to see how the married boy friends wife feels about the situation and if she is OK with it then you are OK with it as well.
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Old 06-20-2014, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Conroe, TX
159 posts, read 291,536 times
Reputation: 208
I don't really see the point in telling her why she doesn't want to go (regarding the boyfriend thing).
I've been in this situation. My friend was seeing a married man and planning the exact same type of trips. I unfortunately didn't know he and his friends would be there until we were on said trip.

Friend is going to do what friend wants to do. Confronting her about it or acknowledging it is only going to get OP involved in a very drama-filled situation. This is between husband, wife, and the friend. Not OP. It will also result in a conflict between friends and possibly be damaging to the friendship, which I don't think OP really wants.
People do things all the time that we don't agree with. Married man and friend are absolutely wrong in what they are doing, but that's not OP's drama to take on, or OP's problem to resolve.

I think simply opting out of events where married guy is there will give friend the hint but still maintain the friendship.

And yes, I would't go on the trip.

Different people would handle this different ways, this is just my perspective.
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