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I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but you need to go into the bathroom, look straight into the mirror, and start saying "NO" over and over again, until you lear to mean it....
Why in the would would you allow all these people to interfer in your life? And what is wrong with all of them that they would do this....this is not a good situation...you need to sit them all down and tell them they have to go....done, and your husband is the one, since it is HIS family that needs to do this for the sake of your sanity and marriage.
You are not a bad person for wanting these people out of your home, and once this is over, never ever again, allow anyone to come and live with you.
There are two ways to get to know someone really really well....
1. Live with them
2. Travel with them
and you really get to see what kind of people they are....
Most men do avoid conflict, and if he avoids this, then maybe it would be wise to leave? I don't know? If you cannot, your up against a rock and a hard place sorry to say, but honestly, I cannot believe he is allowing this...your child comes first, then should you, but you both are HIS family and he should be taking care of you. Part of the responsiblity of being a parent and spouse is sometimes speaking out to parents and family. This is YOUR life, not theirs....
I wish you the very best....please continue to let us know how you make out.
Creme
I was just going to say the same thing but you said it so much better.
Family counseling. Your husband has to go with you. It would be great if the in-laws would go separately.
You also need to put an end to the mooching. Present everyone living there with a house bill that includes rent, utilities, property taxes, groceries and wear and tear on furniture and carpets. $500/month per person would be a good ballpark figure that wouldn't break anybody's budget. That would let you and your husband rent a decent place to live. Don't forget that the pregnant girl is going to present you with a squalling infant soon. Nobody will get any sleep.
I am beside myself and don't even feel like I can talk to him about this anymore. I know he is stressed out and it angers me that his family would put him in this situation of having to defend his wife and child and give an ultimatum, and he is the kind of person that avoids any and all conflict so I doubt he would ever be able to even come close to doing that anyway. Theres so much to this story so if you need more details before replying just ask...I am out of any and all ideas to help this situation.
I have some questions.
- I gather your MIL, who works two jobs, also has a disability. Does this factor into your husband's reluctance to pressure his mother into moving out while her financial position is still unstable? How serious is the disability?
- Using your definition of an adult, which appears to be age 20 or even younger, has your husband ever been financially dependent on his mother since he's been a adult?
- You mentioned that you and your husband are 29 and 33 and have been married for 5 years. Is your husband 33, making him 28 when he married? Did your husband live with his family before he married? If so, did he pay a fair rent?
I'm surprised that posters are suggesting that OP, who is unemployed and probably unable to contribute rent, should move in with her parents, who may be reluctant and feel greatly inconvenienced by such a move.
How is that different than her husband's family moving with him?
Because it 3 of them? Because she is their daughter with their grandson? That she probably lived with them before and knows how to relate to them?
Its hard to say no to family when they are facing homelessness. Your husband is just too worried about his family to understand how bad its going to get.
These people are not going to leave unless they have too, or its cheaper too.
My advice? Become proactive in helping them. go find them new place. if that doesn't work, do as other people have suggested. Tell your husband you can't live this way. Say if they don't go, you will until its resolved....after all, all of these people are temporary.....right?
And soon a baby will be joining the menagerie? Oh, what fun.
Here's the deal. You appear headed towards a mental breakdown. The kind where you sit and cry for hours on end about how things could have gone south so fast.
I would resist the urge to move out. This tribe will likely just continue on, adding new tenants as misfortune befalls one family member after another.
Sit down with your husband and tell him you just can't take it any more. They all need to move out and this weekend. Surely, there's another trailer for rent somewhere. The mother has disability and a couple of jobs and has not been paying rent. Surely, she has money saved up. The soon to be married fellow has some money saved up for his nuptials. Has the pregnant sister signed up with social services? If they are all dead broke, then have them contact homeless services and find out what options are available.
But 4th of July is going to be your personal independence day.
I'm serious. They will all think you are nuts, and you certainly will be if this keeps up.
The weather is nice, they can camp out down by the river if that's what it takes, but they need to be out by this weekend.
Break the news to them first thing in the morning and then start sobbing and don't quit until they're all gone.
A little crazy goes a long way, but in this family it sounds like crazy is so commonplace that you're going to have to up the ante.
Good luck, girl.
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 07-02-2014 at 07:45 PM..
"Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
In other words -- no more Mrs. Nice Girl. You and your husband badly need a "come to Jesus" meeting, where you both talk over your frustrations with the situation and SOLVE IT, once and for all. Do it with a counselor, a minister, or some objective third party. This "letting it slide" and just hoping everyone either dies or moves out eventually obviously isn't working, so on to Plan B. No Plan B? GET ONE. You both need to be on the same page and supporting each other.
My suggestion would be to sit everyone down and for your HUSBAND to say, "OK, folks, since this appears to be becoming a semi-permanent living situation, it's time to come to arrangement on money. We've been providing food and housing out of our pocket for the last few weeks, and we were happy to do that in an emergency, but at this point, we need everyone to start contributing to the household." Name a figure. $300, $500, whatever, due on the first of each month. "And if you don't think that's fair, well then, you're welcome to find some other living arrangement for less money. But if that's the case, then we'll need you to move out by the end of next week." He may need to practice saying this several times. My guess is that they will become offended at actually being asked to pay, and then move on. The trick to this is NO NEGOTIATING. None of this "well, what if we pay $200?" Your financial records, goals, and expenses are NOT subject to their review or approval. If you are financially able, offer a small amount of help ($50, $100) for the first month. The guy saving up to get married? Honestly, if he can't support himself NOW, why in the hell is he getting married?! And the pregnant sis-in-law? Well, how does she plan to support herself and the baby? That's what grownups DO. She might need to be thinking about adoption, if she can't even feed herself. The mom? Time for a rental situation. Not sure how disabled she is if she can hold down two jobs, so I'm a little skeptical, frankly, But if she's getting disability AND two part-time incomes, she should be able to tuck into a little one-bedroom apartment somewhere safe. Or two -- one for her and one for Sis and the baby. Let THEM figure it out.
They have worn out compassion and helpfulness and now they are just being pests. Time to exterminate.
"Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
In other words -- no more Mrs. Nice Girl. You and your husband badly need a "come to Jesus" meeting, where you both talk over your frustrations with the situation and SOLVE IT, once and for all. Do it with a counselor, a minister, or some objective third party. This "letting it slide" and just hoping everyone either dies or moves out eventually obviously isn't working, so on to Plan B. No Plan B? GET ONE. You both need to be on the same page and supporting each other.
My suggestion would be to sit everyone down and for your HUSBAND to say, "OK, folks, since this appears to be becoming a semi-permanent living situation, it's time to come to arrangement on money. We've been providing food and housing out of our pocket for the last few weeks, and we were happy to do that in an emergency, but at this point, we need everyone to start contributing to the household." Name afigure. $300, $500, whatever, due on the first of each month. "And if you don't think that's fair, well then, you're welcome to find some other living arrangement for less money. But if that's the case, then we'll need you to move out by the end of next week." He may need to practice saying this several times. My guess is that they will become offended at actually being asked to pay, and then move on. The trick to this is NO NEGOTIATING. None of this "well, what if we pay $200?" Your financial records, goals, and expenses are NOT subject to their review or approval. If you are financially able, offer a small amount of help ($50, $100) for the first month. The guy saving up to get married? Honestly, if he can't support himself NOW, why in the hell is he getting married?! And the pregnant sis-in-law? Well, how does she plan to support herself and the baby? That's what grownups DO. She might need to be thinking about adoption, if she can't even feed herself. The mom? Time for a rental situation. Not sure how disabled she is if she can hold down two jobs, so I'm a little skeptical, frankly, But if she's getting disability AND two part-time incomes, she should be able to tuck into a little one-bedroom apartment somewhere safe. Or two -- one for her and one for Sis and the baby. Let THEM figure it out.
They have worn out compassion and helpfulness and now they are just being pests. Time to exterminate.
Great post.
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Don't forget that the pregnant girl is going to present you with a squalling infant soon. Nobody will get any sleep.
