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And is that so bad? I mean don't we wish for our children to grow up to think independently and to be curious and find out who they really are and not an extension of ourselves. I'm going through something now with one of my grown children which is causing me much stress. But when I sit down and rationally think about it I know he is an adult, is intelligent and educated and in his mind what he is doing is right.
Who among us wants to stay the same as our 18 year old self? Sure it might mean a bit of an estrangement from our families but everybody can compromise long enough for a holiday meal, a family celebration or a serious illness. When I hear about parents who don't accept who their young adult children are becoming I get very sad and frustrated. As long as its not immoral or illegal what our maturing children do or believe should not be ours to criticize or try to prevent or change.
OP you are on the cusp of becoming grown and you are seeing a way of life your parents never dreamed possible. Perhaps with time they will deal with this. I hope you can continue your journey without too much strife and acrimony with your family. In the end it is your life to live and you must stay true to your own emerging standards of what is right and wrong. I would suggest you don't rub their noses in it and show proper respect and give them time. The world is changing rapidly and for many people it can sometimes be daunting and threatening. You will be in their place sometime.
Thank you for this post. Honestly, it really resonated with me on a personal level. Your son is lucky to have such an understanding parent. I actually had an okay time with my mother today. For a moment we forgot about all the background noise and spent some time together.
I'm sorry. It sucks that they are rejecting you like this. But really, how do you go backwards to fit in with them?
I'm lucky. I'm an atheist liberal in a family of conservatives who are somewhat religious. It hasn't affected their opinion of me one bit. My parents are not the most forward-thinking people, but when they thought I might be a lesbian when I was a kid (I'm not - was just very tomboyish), they had a long conversation with each other and ultimately came to the conclusion that they didn't give a crap. As much as they vex and frustrate me, I will always love them for the things like that.
Your family has a very limited idea of love. It's ok to drift away from them. I've had to cut family members out of my life who were toxic, and it HURTS. But ultimately you feel better without their baggage weighing you down. You can build your own family out of the people of your choosing.
I've always had the take on the white supremacy concept that if that's what you're clinging to as your claim to superiority, you're already scraping the bottom of the barrel.
You're growing and becoming a stronger and smarter and MORE HUMAN person. Keep going with that. There's nothing wrong with you - quite the contrary. Embrace your new life, and mourn the fact that your family couldn't embrace the person you've grown into. You don't have to hate them or turn on them, but you CAN recognize their limitations.
*HUGS*
This...and well said, beautifully and without bias!
Thank you for this post. Honestly, it really resonated with me on a personal level. Your son is lucky to have such an understanding parent. I actually had an okay time with my mother today. For a moment we forgot about all the background noise and spent some time together.
sounds to me like your mother is coming around a bit. give her time, if she is the kind of person that i think she sounds like, she is the one that will bring the rest of the family around, at least part way. you are the one that will have to bring them around the rest of the way ultimately. and i think you can do it. you are thoughtful, and you seem to think of others before yourself, kind of unusual in someone of your age.
you had to develop an inner strength to deal with the change in culture when you went to britain. go with that, and continue to develop that inner strength. become that strong independent lady your mother wants you to be.
Thank you for this post. Honestly, it really resonated with me on a personal level. Your son is lucky to have such an understanding parent. I actually had an okay time with my mother today. For a moment we forgot about all the background noise and spent some time together.
I'm glad I could help. Now if I could just follow my own sage advice.
AP I'm surprised that you even told your parents about the relationship. You're young and while you're madly in love now doesn't mean it will be that way in ten maybe five years. You may have several more relationships before you find the one. I was raised with the same mentality and also have thought my parents and grandparents were wrong for their mind set. The best you can do now is just be loving and kind to your family. Don't argue about it and add fuel to the fire. Respect their views with dignity and perhaps one day they may come to respect yours without passing judgement. You can teach old dogs new tricks. It just takes a lot of love and patience.
sounds to me like your mother is coming around a bit. give her time, if she is the kind of person that i think she sounds like, she is the one that will bring the rest of the family around, at least part way. you are the one that will have to bring them around the rest of the way ultimately. and i think you can do it. you are thoughtful, and you seem to think of others before yourself, kind of unusual in someone of your age.
you had to develop an inner strength to deal with the change in culture when you went to britain. go with that, and continue to develop that inner strength. become that strong independent lady your mother wants you to be.
Thanks.
Like I mentioned to another poster, if anyone in my family is going to understand me, it's going to be my mother.
AP I'm surprised that you even told your parents about the relationship. You're young and while you're madly in love now doesn't mean it will be that way in ten maybe five years. You may have several more relationships before you find the one. I was raised with the same mentality and also have thought my parents and grandparents were wrong for their mind set. The best you can do now is just be loving and kind to your family. Don't argue about it and add fuel to the fire. Respect their views with dignity and perhaps one day they may come to respect yours without passing judgement. You can teach old dogs new tricks. It just takes a lot of love and patience.
Well, I didn't tell them exactly. I'm on Facebook and so is my boyfriend. There's a few pictures of us together. My brother is also on Facebook - he saw and the rest is history. The internet, eh? But in saying that, I also think that part of me wanted it all out in the open. By having those pictures on Facebook, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone from back home saw.
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Don't argue about it and add fuel to the fire. Respect their views with dignity and perhaps one day they may come to respect yours without passing judgement.
Yes, I admit to losing my composure on occasions. Particularly with my brother when he starts his customary goading. I must not take the bait. I should try my best to rise above it.
Like I mentioned to another poster, if anyone in my family is going to understand me, it's going to be my mother.
mothers tend to be that way. they usually come around first, and drag the rest of the family with them.
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Originally Posted by aperture priority
Yes, I admit to losing my composure on occasions. Particularly with my brother when he starts his customary goading. I must not take the bait. I should try my best to rise above it.
typical sibling relationship there also, your brother will be the next to come around. have some fun with him in the mean time. you know what buttons to push of his to get him going, so when he starts in on you, push back, in a friendly manner.
"Friends are the family that you choose for yourself"
I'm sorry, I know it's painful to grow away from your family. But you are getting to experience a much wider world than your family ever will. Perhaps in a few years, they will overcome their disappointment and if your relationship with your boyfriend matures, it may be the key that helps them to a better understanding.
Or maybe not. Some people are pretty stubborn. *sigh*
But you can only live your life on your own terms, not theirs. They can live their lives as they choose -- but so can you. Good luck!
There is truth in that old saying that once you leave, you can never go home again. You left for the bigger world and now you can't fit there again.
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But in saying that, I also think that part of me wanted it all out in the open. By having those pictures on Facebook, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone from back home saw. 
