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Old 07-19-2014, 12:47 AM
 
7,360 posts, read 13,175,744 times
Reputation: 8919

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Yea, I had a (now former) friend who had a mentality that she and her boyfriend were a complete package deal and had to be together always. And the guy was not only a jerk but he was a moping victim of other people's "slight". If people didn't acknowledged him the right way, a meltdown would ensue. If they didn't agree with his opinion (which were usually stupid anyways), meltdown. If they didnt share or accept the 25 cent for the cig, meltdown. He just a rather high maintenance, high strung, controlling, ornery type of guy... Very difficult to get along with. I watched my friend lose her friends and she just couldn't comprehend WHY she was dropping friends like flies. Even when I pointed out to her how invitations were worded:

"Ok, A, fine he can come."
Then that slowly became "Ok A, but he has to promise to be on his best behavior. "
Then became "Ok, A, but you gotta tell R to knock it off, we don't want drama."
Then it became "A... YOU are invited, but he cannot come!" (Oh, he showed up anyway--Package deal)
Then that became "Well, A we didn't invite you because we don't.want.drama."

ya Dumdum still didn't get it.


OP, I don't know if this applies to you... but if saying "Oh this is misunderstanding, it's only us." would serve to hurt the friendship... Is the friendship worth having?
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Old 07-19-2014, 03:32 AM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,995 posts, read 21,639,193 times
Reputation: 22102
Your friend is being clueless, but you are allowing it. If you want it to be girls only preface that for future invites.

This time it is perfectly okay to say, " no it isn't ok for your Hubby to come along. I only have gear for the two of us. I was hoping to spend some girl time!"

Why do you think it would hurt your friendship? You should be able to talk honestly with a good friend.
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Old 07-19-2014, 04:31 AM
 
Location: Backwoods of Maine
7,098 posts, read 8,107,282 times
Reputation: 18713
OK, I'm a guy, and I'd like to add something from my own perspective.

Guys ordinarily don't want to go everywhere with the wives/GF's - we have our own guy friends and unless we are in the throes of romantic love (doesn't last forever), we find the things our own friends do (cars, golf, fishing, whatever) to be more interesting. I'm assuming here that the OP is not hogging her friend's time on major holidays or long weekends, when I'd want to be with my wife and family.

My point here is that I can see only 2 scenarios where a lady would want her husband with her all the time when she visits you:

1. For some reason, she doesn't (or does no longer) feel comfortable being alone with you. So she brings him along for moral support or to keep her from being bored, etc.

2. He is a true wimp who routinely relies on his wife in order to have any social interaction at all, b/c he doesn't have his own guy friends, or enough of them to regularly hang out with.

You didn't say how the husband acts when he accompanies his wife to an outing with you. Is he bored, anxious to "get going"? Is he overly protective of her, positioning himself between you two? Does he spend as much time interacting with you, as with her? Or does he concentrate on her? There has to be some other dynamic going on here, that perhaps you didn't mention.

Bottom line: unless these two are newlyweds who are still engrossed with each other, there is a problem. It's either with him, or between you and her (or between all women and her). Most guys I know, and myself, will get together with wives for cocktails, dinner, 'doubles' sports, and the like (and of course, all family events). Otherwise, I'd rather hang out with my own friends, and my wife makes no secret of the fact that I am NOT "one of the girls" on her night out!
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Old 07-19-2014, 06:02 AM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,612 posts, read 8,258,658 times
Reputation: 7522
^^^ THIS!!!!!!!! She has insecurity.self esteem issues. No more just the two of you dates. Stop trying to do things alone with her. Assume that the ball and chain is attending. She will figure it out.
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Old 07-19-2014, 06:05 AM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
33,834 posts, read 41,892,438 times
Reputation: 43206
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nor'Eastah View Post
OK, I'm a guy, and I'd like to add something from my own perspective.

Guys ordinarily don't want to go everywhere with the wives/GF's - we have our own guy friends and unless we are in the throes of romantic love (doesn't last forever), we find the things our own friends do (cars, golf, fishing, whatever) to be more interesting. I'm assuming here that the OP is not hogging her friend's time on major holidays or long weekends, when I'd want to be with my wife and family.

My point here is that I can see only 2 scenarios where a lady would want her husband with her all the time when she visits you:

1. For some reason, she doesn't (or does no longer) feel comfortable being alone with you. So she brings him along for moral support or to keep her from being bored, etc.

2. He is a true wimp who routinely relies on his wife in order to have any social interaction at all, b/c he doesn't have his own guy friends, or enough of them to regularly hang out with.

You didn't say how the husband acts when he accompanies his wife to an outing with you. Is he bored, anxious to "get going"? Is he overly protective of her, positioning himself between you two? Does he spend as much time interacting with you, as with her? Or does he concentrate on her? There has to be some other dynamic going on here, that perhaps you didn't mention.

Bottom line: unless these two are newlyweds who are still engrossed with each other, there is a problem. It's either with him, or between you and her (or between all women and her). Most guys I know, and myself, will get together with wives for cocktails, dinner, 'doubles' sports, and the like (and of course, all family events). Otherwise, I'd rather hang out with my own friends, and my wife makes no secret of the fact that I am NOT "one of the girls" on her night out!
There's a 3rd and a 4th:

He doesn't trust her out without his supervision.
He doesn't like the OP hanging out with his wife.

These might be interconnected.
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Old 07-19-2014, 06:38 AM
 
5,835 posts, read 5,672,105 times
Reputation: 5165
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eazine View Post
I've got a friend and everytime I invite her out she invites her husband along. Now I get along with her husband just fine, however I'd prefer time alone with my friend. So recently I invited her out to something I normally enjoy by myself, but wanted to share with her. I assumed, wrongly, that it would be very unlikely for him to attend (I have gear for only two). Heck, I didn't even invite my husband along!

After asking her I get a email back letting me know that she'd like to come and her husband is coming along, hope that's okay. Now I'm bummed. I can't say "no" because he wants to come and it would hurt our friendship - am I crazy or is this rude?

eesh,,, people that cannot separate from their spouse. sheesh.!!!!

I think you could spend time alone with your friend, i dont think the husband has to come along all the time.. maybe you want to discuss something very personal and very private and dont want another soul to come along and know, so if she continues to impose her husband on your time together, and she wont change, then thats the reality, and you have to decide if you want to be her freind.
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Old 07-19-2014, 07:12 AM
 
13,106 posts, read 17,666,184 times
Reputation: 19641
Just tell her that equipment for two means her husband will sit on the sidelines unless he brings his.
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Old 07-19-2014, 07:27 AM
 
37,865 posts, read 14,749,658 times
Reputation: 24181
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nor'Eastah View Post
My point here is that I can see only 2 scenarios where a lady would want her husband with her all the time when she visits you:

1. For some reason, she doesn't (or does no longer) feel comfortable being alone with you. So she brings him along for moral support or to keep her from being bored, etc.

2. He is a true wimp who routinely relies on his wife in order to have any social interaction at all, b/c he doesn't have his own guy friends, or enough of them to regularly hang out with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by North Beach Person View Post
There's a 3rd and a 4th:

He doesn't trust her out without his supervision.
He doesn't like the OP hanging out with his wife.

These might be interconnected.
Once the OP figures out if it's a case of her friend is no longer comfortable being alone with her, her friend's SO tags along because that's his only social life, SO is controlling and doesn't like her out without him, or SO doesn't like her hanging out with OP, she will have a clue on how to proceed. Whether to cool the friendship, stick with couple events, or making it clear that it's a girlfriend event, guys are not invited.

I have a friend whose husband tags along. He's a dope. He's always breaking something or making an off-the-wall comment. It is not unknown for him to launch into some diatribe that he has heard on the radio. The guys is clueless and has the social skills of a four year-old.

Naturally, he has no friends of his own, so he tags along with her. The only way we can spend time alone with her is to send him off to have a meal with our SOs. They don't enjoy his company either, so we aren't able to do it very often. Plus we have to grant favors to them for keeping him occupied.
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Old 07-19-2014, 07:28 AM
 
Location: In my skin
9,043 posts, read 14,273,249 times
Reputation: 8900
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eazine View Post
I've got a friend and everytime I invite her out she invites her husband along. Now I get along with her husband just fine, however I'd prefer time alone with my friend. So recently I invited her out to something I normally enjoy by myself, but wanted to share with her. I assumed, wrongly, that it would be very unlikely for him to attend (I have gear for only two). Heck, I didn't even invite my husband along!

After asking her I get a email back letting me know that she'd like to come and her husband is coming along, hope that's okay. Now I'm bummed. I can't say "no" because he wants to come and it would hurt our friendship - am I crazy or is this rude?
If you were a male friend, I would understand her wanting to bring him along all the time. But I'd say it's odd and somewhat rude. Is she one of those women that won't do anything without her guy?
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Old 07-19-2014, 07:46 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 58,119,644 times
Reputation: 26518
I don't see the point in delving into all the possible psychology. Just respond in the vein which poster germaine2626 suggested and tell her along the lines of, "Actually it's not OK if (hubbie) comes along and I'm really sorry I caused confusion. I only have gear for two and was looking forward to this as a "girl's time out", not for spouses. My bad for not communicating better and I'm really sorry! If the timing's not good for you to join me, no problem, we can do it another time ..."

If a friendly relationship is damaged over something like this then it's not that good a relationship but it's all in the delivery and how it's done. Keep it light and airy and apologetic but firm. And next time around be more specific as obviously this friend needs more solid guidelines. Good luck!
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