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Old 07-18-2014, 09:16 PM
 
1,242 posts, read 1,680,013 times
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I've got a friend and everytime I invite her out she invites her husband along. Now I get along with her husband just fine, however I'd prefer time alone with my friend. So recently I invited her out to something I normally enjoy by myself, but wanted to share with her. I assumed, wrongly, that it would be very unlikely for him to attend (I have gear for only two). Heck, I didn't even invite my husband along!

After asking her I get a email back letting me know that she'd like to come and her husband is coming along, hope that's okay. Now I'm bummed. I can't say "no" because he wants to come and it would hurt our friendship - am I crazy or is this rude?
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Old 07-18-2014, 09:26 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,879 posts, read 77,102,358 times
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Well, don't know that I would label it entirely "rude," but inconsiderate and possibly clueless - YES.

I can see you are struggling with the possibility that this will hurt your friendship, but it seems to me it already HAS hurt your friendship. You don't feel good about the situation so there IS a problem.

Why do you feel you can't say "NO" and tell her that you are sorry, you never dreamed her hubby would come along . . . that you only have gear for 2 -- and this was a girl's outing only -- maybe some other time when your hubby is coming, you can make it a couples outing.

I would have to say something. This just sounds way too aggravating to me - I would be resentful about the whole thing (especially the gear situation!) and wish I had never suggested an outing. That is why I am saying - you are worried about this damaging how SHE feels about YOU, but you are already disappointed and hurt. So your feelings count, too, right?
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Old 07-18-2014, 09:31 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,959,102 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eazine View Post
I've got a friend and everytime I invite her out she invites her husband along. Now I get along with her husband just fine, however I'd prefer time alone with my friend. So recently I invited her out to something I normally enjoy by myself, but wanted to share with her. I assumed, wrongly, that it would be very unlikely for him to attend (I have gear for only two). Heck, I didn't even invite my husband along!

After asking her I get a email back letting me know that she'd like to come and her husband is coming along, hope that's okay. Now I'm bummed. I can't say "no" because he wants to come and it would hurt our friendship - am I crazy or is this rude?
Yes, it is very rude or at least clueless.

I would call her and say "Helen, I only have (equipment, clothing, whatever) for two people and I was really looking forward to (doing X) with you. I am sorry that it did not work out. Since I do not have (gear) for three people I will have to cancel the whole outing".

Perhaps, the next time she will think twice about having hubby come along.

Or set up something like a massage at a women's only spa. I doubt if she can invite hubby to that.

Of course, be honest with her, possibly even blunt to her, "Helen, let's have a 'girl's night out' on Thursday. The two of us can go out to dinner together. I am really looking forward to seeing you. (very long pause) I'm sure that our husbands will be fine staying at home while the two of us go out."

Last edited by germaine2626; 07-18-2014 at 09:46 PM..
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Old 07-18-2014, 09:34 PM
 
3,762 posts, read 5,396,221 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eazine View Post
I've got a friend and everytime I invite her out she invites her husband along. Now I get along with her husband just fine, however I'd prefer time alone with my friend. So recently I invited her out to something I normally enjoy by myself, but wanted to share with her. I assumed, wrongly, that it would be very unlikely for him to attend (I have gear for only two). Heck, I didn't even invite my husband along!

After asking her I get a email back letting me know that she'd like to come and her husband is coming along, hope that's okay. Now I'm bummed. I can't say "no" because he wants to come and it would hurt our friendship - am I crazy or is this rude?
If she has a habit of doing this, why don't you just tell her upfront that it's girls only? I'd like to know what type of things you are inviting her to. Does he go with you to get mani-pedi's? Does he not have his own friends?
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:07 PM
 
1,242 posts, read 1,680,013 times
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Originally Posted by trishguard View Post
If she has a habit of doing this, why don't you just tell her upfront that it's girls only? I'd like to know what type of things you are inviting her to. Does he go with you to get mani-pedi's? Does he not have his own friends?
I should have, I wrongly assumed that because I only had the gear for two and didn't invite my spouse, that it was implied. I was wrong. They have other friends but we are their closest. The type of activities are like hiking, fishing, skiing, kayaking, wine tasting...I get mani-pedi's when I need alone time
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:26 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,879 posts, read 77,102,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eazine View Post
I should have, I wrongly assumed that because I only had the gear for two and didn't invite my spouse, that it was implied. I was wrong. They have other friends but we are their closest. The type of activities are like hiking, fishing, skiing, kayaking, wine tasting...I get mani-pedi's when I need alone time
So, you often do couples things together?

Are you sure your friend totally understood your hubby wasn't going with you?

Is there any way your husband could intervene and ask your friend's husband to do something with him while you and your friend are doing your own activities?

I would never ask this friend to do anything alone with me again, lol. I would feel this had turned into a mess when all I wanted was to share a nice experience with a friend.

Don't you just hate it when things get complicated -- and the original intention was totally laid back?
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:39 PM
 
1,242 posts, read 1,680,013 times
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Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Don't you just hate it when things get complicated -- and the original intention was totally laid back?
Yes!

We do things together as a couple but normally we make it clear what is a couples event (sending an email out to them both, or saying "hey do you guys want to join us...")The husbands do things alone - and I don't have the need to join them or be invited.

I'm pretty sure she knows, she wanted to start inviting husbands to the girl's happy hour but all the other women said no...

On that note - I like having the men around (and we do) BUT sometimes it's nice just to hang out with another person or group of people that doesn't always include a spouse.
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Old 07-18-2014, 11:45 PM
 
3,762 posts, read 5,396,221 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eazine View Post
I should have, I wrongly assumed that because I only had the gear for two and didn't invite my spouse, that it was implied. I was wrong. They have other friends but we are their closest. The type of activities are like hiking, fishing, skiing, kayaking, wine tasting...I get mani-pedi's when I need alone time
I have to agree with anifani821. I'd expect a spouse to go along on outings like the ones you listed.
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Old 07-19-2014, 12:07 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,879 posts, read 77,102,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trishguard View Post
I have to agree with anifani821. I'd expect a spouse to go along on outings like the ones you listed.
Well, I thought from the original post that her friend may have assumed it was couples but it appears after more posts that there was never any doubt about it being an invite just to the wife - cause the wife replied that she would like to come and she was bringing her hubby, lol.

And then the last post that this friend had suggested bringing hubby to another "ladies night out" event and the other women didn't like that idea.

That kind of put up a red flag to me that this lady doesn't like doing things without her hubby or he feels left out or he is big into inserting himself into HER get togethers.

In any case, I know I would feel I had been put in a very very awkward position with my friend changing the nature of the get together by inserting her husband into the picture.

It also feels awkward that this lady has tried to insert her husband into other "women only" events in the past. The more I think about it, I would just cancel the whole thing and never invite this friend to do anything with me alone. I would assume she and her husband are a package deal - so socializing would be with couples events, only.
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Old 07-19-2014, 12:51 AM
 
22,281 posts, read 11,778,782 times
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What I find odd is that her husband would insist on going to a ladies only outing. What's up with that? Is he overly possessive? Doesn't he feel uncomfortable in that situation?

Years ago I had a friend who brought along her boyfriend who was not invited when we planned a get together for just the two of us. We met up and there he was. When he was out of earshot, she told me that she told him not to come but he did anyway. It was annoying---doubly annoying because he was a jerk!

One time, when I was in college and at home on break, a couple of friends and I got together to go to the beach. My younger brother said that he wanted to come and said it right in front of the group. I said "no" but my friends felt sorry for him and brought him along.

When I got married, a couple of people who were invited went ahead and just added a friend or relative when they RSVPed. My parents told me not to say anything. However, at the very least, they should have checked with us before doing that. That's what I would have done.

So, I know just how annoying it is when someone uninvited shows up.

I don't understand when people insert---or try to insert---themselves into gatherings that they weren't invited to.

At the very least, your friend should have asked you if it was okay if he came. It is rude to assume that you can bring along someone else when the invitation was just for you.

I think that you should make it clear the next time you invite her that you want this to be a girls only outing. If she still brings along her husband, then you have a decision to make. Do you say nothing and keep inviting her places? Or do you stop inviting her to girls only outings? Or do you have a talk with her, as others suggested, and spell it out?

In the end, if she keeps doing this after you talk to her, you need to decide just how to proceed in the future.
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