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Old 07-23-2014, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,627 posts, read 4,330,697 times
Reputation: 11505

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Its a pretty small family. My brother and his wife never had kids. Our parents are deceased. My 38 year old son is married with a wife and a daughter.

My son and I have had a strained relationship since about the 2nd year of his (13 year) marriage. His wife was cold and rejecting towards me right from the start. Before that my son and I were very close. My son and his wife have both done a lot of drinking and pot smoking and have had wild fights. They seem to be doing better these days but over the years, I have rarely been invited to their home and my birthdays are not remembered, nor Mother's Day, etc. My brother and his wife are quiet, conservative people.

In 2010 on Christmas Day I became upset with my son & had a big explosion of angry emails. In addition to his profanity, my son wrote that I was a terrible mother and his childhood was joyless. It was crushing to me; I had many challenges during his childhood and sacrificed for him to have vacations, summer camp, parties, etc. as moms all do! Over the years I have provided him many material things and also gave him an interest free loan to buy his present home.

About 2 weeks after that blow out, I had an injury & spent over a year in physical therapy. My son phoned when his wife saw my facebook posts and said "if you need help let me know". He never sent a card or appeared at the hospital. We were both still really angry with each other. My brother was outraged at my son's behavior towards me.... We had very difficult parents and my brother has viewed the childhood his nephew had as perfect, he can't imagine a more devoted mom or privileged son than my kid.

Last year we moved my mother close to my son's home into Assisted Living. During that time up to now when she recently died, my son and I are doing better and he has been very respectful towards me. Tho feel I do suffer emotionally thinking that he really believes he had a bad childhood.

My brother really does hate my son over all this. It is getting in the way of our settling our mother's estate. It seems all decisions of dividing things he wants to make sure my son doesn't benefit at all in any way beyond the will. Example, there's a rental property my son wants and his share of the proceeds of the estate is a bit short of the value of the property. My brother is emphatic that I don't lend him any money so he can get the property even tho neither my bro nor I want it......

My son is totally unaware of any of this, all he knows is his uncle is being really strict about how to work thru the estate and never agrees to eat out together when we see eachother.

My brother has written his nephew out of his own will, and won't even sit down at a restaurant table with him. Should I just accept all this, try to work thru all this with my brother because this is really not his issue between me & my kid, explain to my son why his uncle has bad feelings toward him? What if anything should I do?

Last edited by WorldKlas; 07-23-2014 at 09:13 AM..
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Old 07-23-2014, 09:19 AM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,984 posts, read 14,597,867 times
Reputation: 14868
I am with your brother on your ungrateful and self-centered son. Let him get a bank loan to make up the difference in his portion, so he can get the rental property. Lenders do those loans, you know.

The money should not come from you - he won't appreciate it anyway.

Kudos to your brother in taking a stand for you.
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Old 07-23-2014, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,826 posts, read 17,121,310 times
Reputation: 40512
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
Its a pretty small family. My brother and his wife never had kids. Our parents are deceased. I am married 10 years (formerly widowed) to my now husband. My 38 year old son is married with a wife and a daughter.

My son and I have had a strained relationship since about the 2nd year of his (13 year) marriage. His wife was cold and rejecting towards me right from the start. Before that my son and I were very close. My son and his wife have both done a lot of drinking and pot smoking and have had wild fights. They seem to be doing better these days but over the years, I have rarely been invited to their home and my birthdays are not remembered, nor Mother's Day, etc. My brother and his wife are quiet, conservative people.

In 2010 on Christmas Day I became upset with my son because I couldn't get him to set a time for getting together. It turned into a big explosion of angry emails. In addition to his profanity, my son wrote that I was a terrible mother and his childhood was joyless. It was crushing to me; I had many challenges during his childhood and sacrificed for him to have vacations, summer camp, parties, etc. as moms all do! Over the years I have provided him many material things and also gave him an interest free loan to buy his present home.

About 2 weeks after that blow out, I broke my ankle and spent over a year in physical therapy. My son phoned when his wife saw my facebook posts and said "if you need help let me know". He never sent at card or even just appeared at the hospital. We were both still really angry with each other. My brother was outraged at my son's behavior towards me.... the lack of respect. We had very difficult parents and my brother has viewed the childhood his nephew had as perfect, he can't imagine a more devoted mom or privileged son than my kid.

Last year we moved my mother close to my son's home into Assisted Living. During that time up to now when she recently died, my son and I are doing better. I really feel a lot of the old pain when I recall his unkindness to me and I do suffer emotionally thinking that he really believes he had a bad childhood.

My brother really does hate my son over all this. It is getting in the way of our settling our mother's estate. It seems all decisions of dividing things he wants to make sure my son doesn't benefit at all in any way beyond the will. Example, there's a rental property my son wants and his share of the proceeds of the estate is a bit short of the value of the property. My brother is emphatic that I don't lend him any money so he can get the property even tho neither my bro nor I want it......

My son is totally unaware of any of this, all he knows is his uncle is being really strict about how to work thru the estate and never agrees to eat out together when we see eachother.

My brother has written his nephew out of his own will, and won't even sit down at a restaurant table with him. Should I just accept all this, try to work thru all this with my brother, explain to my son why his uncle has bad feelings toward him? What if anything should I do?
I am going to first address the issue of the will. If your brother is executor he has the right and obligation to follow whatever the will says. However, he is not your boss or your ruler, if you want to loan money to your son so that he can buy the property, IMHO, your brother should not be blocking that. OTOH, is this a small amount of money that you can easily afford to lose or a much larger amount? If your son has regularly made all of his payments to you from the interest free house loan than it is up to you if you can afford to loan him more money. If he has not kept up with those payments then do not, under any circumstances, loan your son more money.

Your son should be treated like any other buyer. And if that means that he needs to get a loan from a bank to make the up the difference then he needs to do that.

Have you considered that your brother truly loves you and it broke his heart to see how your son treated you all of those years? Even if your son and you are getting along better right now your brother may look at it as something temporary which makes it very hard to deal with his nephew. Wow, if one of my nieces or nephews didn't speak to or help my sister or brother the entire year that they needed help due to an injury and barely spoke to them for a whole decade I'm not sure that I would want to have a restaurant meal with them either.

Have you also considered that your brother is trying to keep you from being hurt again from your son?

If your son has really changed, always treats you with respect, insists that his wife also treats you with respect, remembers your birthday & mother's day, invites you to his home and has apologized for his behavior in the past than you should tell your brother those things.

But, have you considered that your son may not have changed but is just temporarily "pretending" so that he can get more money & benefits from his grandmother's estate? Sometimes people are pretty blind to the motives and actions of people that they love. Think of all of the women who stay with abusive men when it is clear to everyone else that they are being treated very badly and it will never change. Maybe your brother is the one who is "seeing clearly" in this situation.

Good luck to you.
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Old 07-23-2014, 09:37 AM
 
6,472 posts, read 9,868,917 times
Reputation: 10899
I understand where you brother is coming from. Appreciate it.

As far as settling the estate... business is business.
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Old 07-23-2014, 10:13 AM
 
3,721 posts, read 4,570,446 times
Reputation: 4741
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
Its a pretty small family. My brother and his wife never had kids. Our parents are deceased. My 38 year old son is married with a wife and a daughter.

My son and I have had a strained relationship since about the 2nd year of his (13 year) marriage. His wife was cold and rejecting towards me right from the start. Before that my son and I were very close. My son and his wife have both done a lot of drinking and pot smoking and have had wild fights. They seem to be doing better these days but over the years, I have rarely been invited to their home and my birthdays are not remembered, nor Mother's Day, etc. My brother and his wife are quiet, conservative people.

In 2010 on Christmas Day I became upset with my son & had a big explosion of angry emails. In addition to his profanity, my son wrote that I was a terrible mother and his childhood was joyless. It was crushing to me; I had many challenges during his childhood and sacrificed for him to have vacations, summer camp, parties, etc. as moms all do! Over the years I have provided him many material things and also gave him an interest free loan to buy his present home.

About 2 weeks after that blow out, I had an injury & spent over a year in physical therapy. My son phoned when his wife saw my facebook posts and said "if you need help let me know". He never sent a card or appeared at the hospital. We were both still really angry with each other. My brother was outraged at my son's behavior towards me.... We had very difficult parents and my brother has viewed the childhood his nephew had as perfect, he can't imagine a more devoted mom or privileged son than my kid.

Last year we moved my mother close to my son's home into Assisted Living. During that time up to now when she recently died, my son and I are doing better and he has been very respectful towards me. Tho feel I do suffer emotionally thinking that he really believes he had a bad childhood.

My brother really does hate my son over all this. It is getting in the way of our settling our mother's estate. It seems all decisions of dividing things he wants to make sure my son doesn't benefit at all in any way beyond the will. Example, there's a rental property my son wants and his share of the proceeds of the estate is a bit short of the value of the property. My brother is emphatic that I don't lend him any money so he can get the property even tho neither my bro nor I want it......

My son is totally unaware of any of this, all he knows is his uncle is being really strict about how to work thru the estate and never agrees to eat out together when we see eachother.

My brother has written his nephew out of his own will, and won't even sit down at a restaurant table with him. Should I just accept all this, try to work thru all this with my brother because this is really not his issue between me & my kid, explain to my son why his uncle has bad feelings toward him? What if anything should I do?
It sounds like you are all adults, with a 35 year old son and all. You don't need to be the peacemaker. I know it hurts that your brother doesn't like your son, but your brother loves you and has your back and cannot stand to see you mistreated. I would be thankful for that. Time heals so as you work things out with your son and your brother sees him treating you better he may come around. I wouldn't worry about it otherwise. Just keep your relationships separate.
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Old 07-23-2014, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,895 posts, read 5,230,020 times
Reputation: 17775
I agree with your brother. Your son showed his true colors. A temporary change isn't enough for me.
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Old 07-23-2014, 12:41 PM
 
13,658 posts, read 13,430,680 times
Reputation: 39647
Ask your brother for civility towards your son. Beyond that, he doesn't really owe him anything.

And you've helped your son plenty. You owe him nothing more. Now he wants you to help him buy an investment property? Um, no.

I don't care if you really were a terrible mother. You've helped him out, and he's treated you like crap. It's time to let him stand on his own two feet. No loans. No price breaks. He doesn't NEED this property, and you're about my mom's age. It's time to take care of yourself and your resources.
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Old 07-23-2014, 08:00 PM
 
Location: sumter
8,435 posts, read 5,277,136 times
Reputation: 6527
Your brother have seen first hand the respect your son have given you. Your brother also knows that you have been a good mother to him and don't deserve the lack of respect. Sounds like your brother loves you very much and don't want to see you treated this way. If you really was such a terrible mother, you brother probably wouldn't hate him so much. Your son just wanted to hurt your feelings during the heat of the moment. I bet he really don't believe that himself. Your son have to earn your brother's love and respect, let them work it out. Trust your brother because he loves you and don't give in to your son.
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Old 07-23-2014, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Lebanon, OH
5,853 posts, read 6,260,644 times
Reputation: 12410
Some of my cousins were worthless pieces of s***, both as kids and also as adults, their mom was always my favorite aunt, she once told me that my dad constantly told her she had the worst kids ever, he was right.

Your brother hates your son because of the way he turned out despite your best efforts and his perceived miserable childhood.
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Old 07-23-2014, 09:19 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,627 posts, read 4,330,697 times
Reputation: 11505
I don't want to defend my son because the things he wrote were awful. He was a caring and really great son until he married and slowly during the first couple of years of his marriage he just grew more distant. His wife was already displaying really bad vibes to me during the time they became engaged and I was not invited to her bridal or baby shower. I never knew why.... I was a loving mother and always was involved in his childhood. Cub Scout den mother, always went on class field trips, etc. The things he blamed me in those emails for were really weird. (Example: at a company barbeque at my boss's home when he was 5, I went to check on him in the basement rec room where all the kids were corralled and found the boss's son had taken him to a closet and was trying to get my little kid to touch his penis.... I grabbed my kid and told the other boy who was 14 to never touch my kid again). I did later tell the boss's wife what happened. My son really had no memory of all this and when he was a teenager I told him about this event. In my son's email during that angry time, my son had stated that he was almost raped because I was off not paying attention to him and that the other boy never got in trouble because I cared more about my job than him). The email was filled with those kinds of accusations of my neglect and putting my career ahead of him. His facts were so distorted and i really believe over the years when he's told his wife stuff about growing up somehow he's been brainwashed into a new "spin" on the real events. I really was a good Mom and he really had a very happy childhood. We had lots of good times....

But, my son has not asked me for a loan. I offered to lend him the money for the difference between his share and the cost of the rent house. Same with his home loan. I offered.

Last edited by WorldKlas; 07-23-2014 at 09:31 PM..
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